Moving in together

JustUs

Member
My wife and I are in a V poly relationship, she being the hinge. Her boyfriend and I get along very well and are very comfortable hanging out together even if my wife is not around.
Our relationship is very good and we are very open and honest talking about our wants and needs and over the past couple of years our relationship has gotten even better. We communicate constantly about everything.
We are considering having her boyfriend move in with us, as it is a very long distant relationship...and he is ready to move away from where he is from. My wife and I had already chatted about living arrangements and such, and he would have his own room and we would still have our room.
Any others out there that have had their spouses boyfriend move in with them. Any downfalls? any suggestions.
Personally I believe there are a lot of perks that do go along with him living with us, and how different aspects of life would be much easier.
What has worked and not worked for all you out there?
 
I know there can be a multitude of answers. Even with my family there is. My fiancee and I live with my boyfriend and his wife. This however was a plan even before Primal and I started seeing each other. For us it works out really well because we are all really good friends (both Primal and Lamian are going to be part of the bridal party).

On the other hand, Primal could never live with Lamian's boyfriend Darkeyes. There's too much tension between the two of them that it would never work.
 
I don't think my wife and I would have ever discussed having her bf move in with us, if he and I didn't get along the way we do. If he and I weren't comfortable enough with each other that we couldn't hang out together or do things on our own, we wouldn't even consider it.
The whole idea and concept is actually kind of interesting, living together as a poly unit. There seems to be many benefits from it as well. We have had the opportunity to "test the waters" as he lives 3000 miles away and when he does visit, its usually for 2 or 3 weeks at a time...
Previously we would all sleep in the same bed when he would visit. But with this most recent visit, we had set up the guest room for him and found that everyone was actually more comfortable, he had his own space if he wanted time by himself and we all sleep more comfortably. The arrangement would be that my wife and I have our room and he would have a room to himself, if we do make the move to live together.
Would love to hear others arrangements, what worked or didn't and such...
 
I don't think my wife and I would have ever discussed having her bf move in with us, if he and I didn't get along the way we do. If he and I weren't comfortable enough with each other that we couldn't hang out together or do things on our own, we wouldn't even consider it.
... We have had the opportunity to "test the waters" as he lives 3000 miles away and when he does visit, its usually for 2 or 3 weeks at a time...
...we had set up the guest room for him and found that everyone was actually more comfortable, he had his own space if he wanted time by himself and we all sleep more comfortably. The arrangement would be that my wife and I have our room and he would have a room to himself, if we do make the move to live together.
Would love to hear others arrangements, what worked or didn't and such...

Personally, I ascribe to the position that one shouldn't move in with their lover for at least a year of LOCAL dating. Visiting a few times for a couple weeks isn't really a test of whether living together permanently is really viable.

How long has your wife been seeing this guy? How did they meet?

If he's ready to move, if it was me and/or my gf bringing in one of our bfs, making a long distance relationship "short distance," I'd prefer he got a small apartment (or room in one) for a year or so, nearby. Long distance relationships can extend NRE. Everyone might be on their best behavior and full of idealism still.

You all might be the exception to this rule, but why take the chance?
 
I have experience of this type of situation which ended badly.

I was living by myself, and the married couple I was dating moved in. Long story short, she moved out after a year (she didn't like the rural setting). and he's been lingering for almost a year.

The physical relationship has been over (with all three of us) for the past year.

My advice:

Have regular house meetings... this keeps communication open about the basics.. household chores, status of bill payment, schedules. We were having regular meetings but....

We celebrated accomplishments (got the back porch cleaned!!) and reviewed plans (Convention this month...need to cut grocery costs by $20 to help pay for the room...

Some of my best memories are from those meetings where we were giving praise, and goals for the next week.
 
Your question directly relates to our situation back then. My boyfriend moved in with us right at the start of our V relationship, because he was long distance as well and we couldn't manage too many visits back and forth. I have a blog (see signature), feel free to read about our start. We still live together (2nd year now) and we never encountered real problems concerning the living arrangement.

We started with a 'trial visit' and tested the waters. Everything worked fine and we moved him in. As you said, this wouldn't have been possible, if my two men didn't get along as well as they actually do. If you are sure, that you want to try, go for it :) We can't judge your personalities and the odds like you are able to. Be prepared for some intense weeks emotion-wise and keep on talking about everything that comes to mind. It will help.
 
Like Phy - my boyfriend moved in with us right at the start of our Vee relationship and it has worked out fine. However, in our case MrS (my husband) and Dude (my boyfriend) were already best friends before the Vee formed and Dude was already here 3-4 days out of the week for 6 months or so.

We all sleep in the same bed (unless one of the boys opts for the couch) but if we had the room I think each person having a sleeping/personal space of their own would be ideal (especially if they are going to be dating outside of the Vee - which hasn't happened for us yet but could in the future.)

I think, though, that you don't really know what it is like to live with a given other person until you actually do it. Should probably have a back-up or transition plan in case it doesn't go smoothly.

JaneQ
 
Its been four years since my bf moved in. My blog describes the whole process. As do many threads tagged "moving in." Frankly I think he should move closer first and see how it goes. That seems to work best as a first step. Its a massive amount of unforeseen change.
 
Thanks for all the great replies. Very obvious everyone has different experiences with all 3 living together and opinions to why or why not.
We have known him for about 8 years. He and my wife have been in a relationship for about 4 years, and be it long distance, visits ranged for 2 weeks to a month with each visit.
We are taking it slow, all talking about the possibility of living together, the up-sides, the down-sides, and everything that comes along with multiple people in multiple relationships.
Red Pepper, we've been reading your's and Mono thread on here, which I think is primarily written by Mono, along with yours and others input, and was somewhat surprised by your response, not in a bad way, just in a way that I would not have expected. It sound like your situation has turned out great, but I am sure without there own trials and tribulations, but do have to say reading it has been inspiring, see how things have gone over the past several years.
 
Red Pepper, we've been reading your's and Mono thread on here, which I think is primarily written by Mono, along with yours and others input, and was somewhat surprised by your response, not in a bad way, just in a way that I would not have expected. It sound like your situation has turned out great, but I am sure without there own trials and tribulations, but do have to say reading it has been inspiring, see how things have gone over the past several years.
Lol, maybe you didn't read back far enough? It sounds like slow is what you are doing though and as a result I suspect your success rate will be better. Good luck. :)
 
moving in

My wife and I cannot speak from long term experience but we can tell you our relationship is working well so far. A long time friend of our who she actually had been sexual with a very long time ago needed a place to live and within a few weeks became the secondary in our relationship. We all get along well and she loves us both. Wife and I have been married over 20 years, we grew up with boyfriend ( we now call his second hubby). He has a job where he is only home weekends so that may make it a little more easy on our primary relationship but we are all excited when it gets later in the week for him to be back home. He has his own room with a private stairway into the kitchen so he has his own space. We are friendly (no he and I are not involved sexually) cuddle up on the couch with her and she adores the attention of 2 men. He and her have their private time normally on friday, sometimes saturday and sometimes sunday with them either going to our bed or to his room....works our about 50/50. They have what she says is great sex and some nice cuddle time as well. Her and I have all week together and some weekend days although since he is only home weekends he does get a bit more attention when he is here. I know it surly sounds like they are having fun when they are in one room or the other....lol. Once in a while I am gone the whole weekend and they have all of that time together to date, have sex and just enjoy eachother but that doesn't happen all that much for an entire weekend. So far no problems have come up and we all enjoy eachothers company. She is in heaven having 2 men who adore her and she loves us both. It may not work for everyone but it does for us so far. Granted we are only a few months into it and I am sure there will be problems from time to time but overall we have found poly to work well for us. Hope it does for you as well.
 
My wife and I cannot speak from long term experience but we can tell you our relationship is working well so far. A long time friend of our who she actually had been sexual with a very long time ago needed a place to live and within a few weeks became the secondary in our relationship. We all get along well and she loves us both. Wife and I have been married over 20 years, we grew up with boyfriend ( we now call his second hubby). He has a job where he is only home weekends so that may make it a little more easy on our primary relationship but we are all excited when it gets later in the week for him to be back home. He has his own room with a private stairway into the kitchen so he has his own space. We are friendly (no he and I are not involved sexually) cuddle up on the couch with her and she adores the attention of 2 men. He and her have their private time normally on friday, sometimes saturday and sometimes sunday with them either going to our bed or to his room....works our about 50/50. They have what she says is great sex and some nice cuddle time as well. Her and I have all week together and some weekend days although since he is only home weekends he does get a bit more attention when he is here. I know it surly sounds like they are having fun when they are in one room or the other....lol. Once in a while I am gone the whole weekend and they have all of that time together to date, have sex and just enjoy eachother but that doesn't happen all that much for an entire weekend. So far no problems have come up and we all enjoy eachothers company. She is in heaven having 2 men who adore her and she loves us both. It may not work for everyone but it does for us so far. Granted we are only a few months into it and I am sure there will be problems from time to time but overall we have found poly to work well for us. Hope it does for you as well.

It does my heart good to hear of a live-in V working so well, with apparently so much compersion all around!

But perhaps the living together thing is working out great because you all have known each other for decades. Not mere months. The OP has known his wife's OSO for a couple years, but only very long distance, with a few visits. I still recommend OSO get his own place nearby for a year or so and see how it goes first. Err on the side of caution.
 
Just a thought to consider - in the situations where a cohabitating Vee (or triad) works successfully - I wonder if it hinges on whether or not the participants would have been good "roommates" for each other if there were no romantic connections involved.

In my case, if I were not in the picture, I think that MrS and Dude could have wound up as roommates regardless (based on friendship and lifestyle). We are not ideal roommates in an objective sense...we are absolute slobs, in reality. But we are ALL slobs...perhaps this comes into play.

So, maybe, one of the questions in considering cohabitation is ... if I were single, could I see myself living with this other person anyway?

JaneQ
 
Thanks for all the great replies and suggestions! Sterling, sounds like a great situation that developed between the 3 of you over time. Very much the way I see our poly relationship going, my wife adored by 2 men, and all able to hang out and spend good quality time together.
JaneQSmith, I could actually see my wife's boyfriend and I as roommates, even if my wife wasn't involved. I believe during the his last visit, that was 2 1/2 weeks long, he and I actually hung out more, doing stuff around the house, the yard, cooking and grilling and just relaxing than my wife and he, LOL....T is more than comfortable getting up from the table in the evening, saying her good nights and leaving us (the guys) to hang out and talk, have a few drinks, which the both of us are completely comfortable with as well....
Though I do understand that long visits are different from all three of us living under the same roof, hence the reason we are moving very slowly towards that and have made no commitments one way or the other. Time will tell and if we feel it is eventually something we really want to do, than we will move forward, until than good friendships....good relationships and everything that go along with is continue to develop.
 
We have lived together 10 years, openly poly almost 4 years after an affair.

Bf and dh wouldnt be friends or roommates under other circumstances. They do it for me and the kids.

Lots written in my blog on here and in my personal blog aafteota.wordpress.com

I advise take it slow, talk about toilet paper rolls, toothpaste lids, trash going out, all neat freaks? Someone clutter-prone?

One of our biggest issues is the frequency bf cleans out the catbox for his cat. Dh and i both feel this is a daily chore. Bf is a "when it bothers me" person. The floorplan of our home puts the carbox in the laundry room (bathrooms arent big enough) and thats as far from bf's room as possible-near ours. Constant argument.

He does have his own room and I sleep in dh's room. I have my own room if i need space. But mostly use it for visiting grandbabies and my craft stuff.
 
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