FreeTheMind
New member
Freetime,
I am new to all of this also (as in the last 5 days). I came across this forum and your post and spent the last few days reading through your journey and progress over the last 90+ days. Many times reading your posts along with the very insightful, compassionate support and advice from the others on here such as RP, II, TP, etc., had tears streaming down my face.
My wife (who is also a T) is the one who brought up the possibility of Poly. To say the least it rocked my little world when I first started reading up on it. But stumbling upon your journey and reading what others had to say I was realizing that this is a journey about self, letting go and confronting our own fears and issues as we rewrite our boundries.
It is really about enjoying life to the fullest with absolute love and joy, being happy and fulfilled. That is the reason my wife approached me about this. I'm realizing I need to be conscious of my life and that all things are possible. I've closed myself off for way to long.
Reading your posts I literally felt like Rip Van Winkle waking up for the first time from a very long slumber. Many of your issues, fears and concerns really resonated with me and I'm sure others as they first ventured into Poly. I've read the 12 Pillars of Polyamory and really understand and embrace the idea of Authenticity, Honesty, Truth, Communication, etc. I've been feeling NRE just from reading as much as I can to understand this.
Am I scared.....ABSOLUTELY! Am I excited about the possibilities of what our lives (my wife and mysef) can be......ABSOLUTELY! We have been married for 12 yrs and have been together for going on 16. We have no kids so there is really nothing holding us back from enjoying life to it's fullest except ourselves. (Probably more me than her.) I've put up a lot of barriers over the years and if feels good to start breaking them down.
I'm rambling at this point but do want to say that we are new at looking into this so we are going to go very slow. I'm really looking forward to a much deeper intimate connection with my wife and others in my life!
I'm sure I will be posting much more as time progresses with many questions and or just fears/issues I will be encountering and I am looking forward to the feedback and advice.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and I appreciate any feedback as we start this journey.
FreeTheMind
I wanted to post the above to give some background about me and my wife.
Last night wasn't a good night for me as we go on this journey. I know T has been thinking about this longer than me so I have been on a fast track to understanding, acceptance, etc. I am good for the most part on Poly and I am willing to embrace this myself.
No doubt as I have been reading the threads and whatever I can get my hands on about Poly I have certainly had these feelings for others in my past. I've just done a good job of suppressing them or avoiding situations that would bring up these feelings so as not to hurt my wife (or others from previous relationships I've had).
But as my wife and I open up and have become more honest and truthful with each other (which I love) and have been talking about the possibilities of having others in our lives I feel it is important as does she that we have rules and boundaries.
One of the rules or boundaries I mentioned is that we should not involve or pursue others (at least in the beginning) whom we work with or do business with as it could have an effect on our careers/jobs. I also said that I feel it is important that whomever we bring into our lives, all people need to be in agreement and know what is going on. That includes spouses of the others. She agreed.
Last night when T came home from work she wanted to tell me about her NRE. I was excited to hear about this. It involves a customer of the company she works for whom she has known now for the past yr. and a half. She has really connected with this guy and I think he may sense this too. I've met him a couple of times and from what I know he is a nice guy.
He is working on rebuilding his company and T has been very helpful and supportive of him being able to do so. Basically being a protector and having his back so he can work on getting out of the debt etc. from the last couple of years and moving forward.
Here is where I need help. He is married, has 3-4 children and a lovely wife. He has been hugely successful in the past with his businesses and I am sure will get out of the hole he is in now.
One it went against the first boundary that was set (I know boundaries can change and move). With boundary two I said that all parties would need to know and be in agreement including his wife. I said we would all need to sit down and talk about this. Here is the bigger issue as T said that would not happen. This guy is fiercely protective of his family and will not do anything to lose that. So basically it comes down to cheating for him and I have a hard time accepting that and the consequences it could bring. I say this as he does have a lot to potentially lose.
I love my wife so very very much! I want her to be happy and fulfilled and I feel in a way that I am denying her from being able to do so. I also don't want her to be resentful. She has agreed to not pursue this with him, but for now that leaves her with no possible poly options. T did say that she would like to maintain the friendship and working relationship with this guy and I am fine with that.
I know we are very early into this process and that we need to take baby steps, but I would appreciate any advice, support and opinions about the above situation.
I'm feeling very sad right now.
Thanks for listening.
FreeTheMind