I just can't seem to accept it.

Just speaking for myself, I don't believe that your position is obsolete or intolerant. You aren't up for poly. You know that and are clearly stating that. I commend you for that. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship style. Polyamory isn't more evolved, it's just a different style.

That said, you do come across as rigid in your thinking which could be construed as narrow minded. In my experience, the thing about life is that it's ever changing... as are we. We change, grow, evolve. Things that were once unpalatable to us may become palatable or even preferable later. For that reason, I prefer to take a more open stance. "This is who I am now. This is what I want now. This is why I want what I want." As opposed to absolute statements like "never", "absolute certainty", etc. Of course, that's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

As to my comments on possessiveness, they were based on this statement you made: "Trust me, I've been called "possessive" more times, by more people than I can count. I really don't see myself in that way. Rather, I state clearly what I'm after in a relationship, and others can choose whether or not to accept it." Based on that statement, I suggested that you take their comments into consideration and really look at your behaviors. My comments were not about your handling of this situation with your wife but about this statement (which also sounds very rigid and inflexible.)

Again, just my opinion, but since I'm 50% of a dyad relationship, if I want to improve the relationship, it's in my best interest to really look at my own behaviors, communication style, and treatment of the other person. If I change that which I can control (myself and only myself), then it will affect the relationship. Expecting the other person to do all the changing and compromising is a recipe for disaster.


I do understand where you're coming from, however, I think it's a given that things could change over time. We've always had the ability to communicate about them when the times do come. However, sometimes, when one person states that their feelings might change on a topic (such as this one), there might be the assumption that the other will be just as accepting. I honestly don't think that my wife was prepared for my lack of change on this, and was probably upset by that.

I've always been willing to examine my own behaviors. If I'm not acting appropriately, then I do my best to change that. If I'm unaware that I'm acting that way, then I ask that people point it out to me. I'm not immune to criticism, nor to I avoid it. I know that my thinking comes off as rigid, but I cannot alter my feelings on something that I simply cannot bring myself to accept within our marriage. If I don't ever see myself as being open to polyamory, then I'm not going to say otherwise. To do so would be a disservice to both of us as it would give her a false sense of hope, and bring on undue agony to me.

We have a mutual friend that we're both really close with. I've known her for as long as I've known my wife. While I do find her physically attractive, and I do care enough about her to be willing to do anything to help her in a time of need... Sure, in the future, deeper feelings/desires might develop, even if it's 20 years from now, or they might not, no one knows... But if you were to ask me right now if I were to ever consider sleeping with her, or feel anything deeper than a friendship or brother/sister type relationship, and my answer would be nothing more than "no".

And you're right, one can only work on themselves in a marriage. And honestly, it's felt as though I have been the only one trying for months... Like I said, the ball is in her court to make the attempts on her side as well. I'm very willing to start fresh & leave this whole, unpleasant year in the past where it belongs, but I can't be the only one doing so, if this is to work. Yes, I know that sounded rigid too. But, like I've also said, I cannot be part of a marriage involving polyamory. It's a deal breaker for me, if it's a must for her, then she knows what to do.
 
And you're right, one can only work on themselves in a marriage. And honestly, it's felt as though I have been the only one trying for months... Like I said, the ball is in her court to make the attempts on her side as well. I'm very willing to start fresh & leave this whole, unpleasant year in the past where it belongs, but I can't be the only one doing so, if this is to work. Yes, I know that sounded rigid too. But, like I've also said, I cannot be part of a marriage involving polyamory. It's a deal breaker for me, if it's a must for her, then she knows what to do.

I don't think that sounds rigid. Honestly, your wife's behavior this year does not sound loving or mature. I stand by what I said earlier, I'd look at her actions over her words when determining your next course of action.
 
I don't think that sounds rigid. Honestly, your wife's behavior this year does not sound loving or mature. I stand by what I said earlier, I'd look at her actions over her words when determining your next course of action.

Unfortunately, it's these types of statements that I make, that lead to me being called "possessive".
 
You said in one post that "more people than you can count" have called you possessive, but in another post you said it's been your wife and one of her other contacts and that's it. To me, that's contradictory; would you be willing to clarify?

Possessiveness or lack thereof aside, your wife betrayed your trust. That's one of the most important pieces of this. She began what some would call an "emotional affair" with more than one person, behind your back, and was not honest with you. No matter whether you're poly or mono, possessive or not, dishonesty is not acceptable behavior to most people. One of the main components of polyamory is open, honest communication. There are folks on these forums who are in poly situations that began with one partner cheating on another, and sometimes that works... but sometimes it doesn't. And if you're not accepting of polyamory to begin with, it doesn't seem that it's something that could work for you.

Love IS infinite. *Expressions* of love are not. You seem to consider the expressions of love to be the same thing as love itself, but that isn't the case. Love is an emotion. The other things are actions. So while it is possible to love more than one person (didn't you love both of your parents? If you have more than one sibling, don't you love all of them?) it is not possible to have unlimited time with everyone you love, or to be physically present with everyone all the time, and so on.

It's unfortunate that you see things like hugging and hand-holding to be part of sex, and I'm curious about why you see it that way. People hug each other constantly. Hubby hugs people he's just met if they're friends of friends or friends of relatives, because touch is how he relates to people. (He does ask first if hugs are okay with the other person, at least.) I hold hands with, hug, and even cuddle with S2 now more than I did when we had a sexual component to our connection; it's soothing and gives both of us the support and comfort we need to deal with stress in our respective life, and it never leads to anything more because we've agreed that sex isn't a thing right now. If your wife hugged a female friend or held her hand, would you feel sick to your stomach? If not, why would you feel that way about her hugging or holding hands with a man? Physical contact doesn't automatically equal sex or lead to it.

None of the above is to say that you're wrong to feel how you feel, by the way. I'm asking you to challenge some of your own beliefs. Regardless of how you feel about the situation specifically with your wife, and aside from polyamory or monogamy, it might benefit you to be open to other ways that *other* people think about love, friendships, and relationships. You can understand how other people work and how they view things while still choosing not to accept it in your own life.

And no, you can't be the only one working on your marriage if it's going to truly work. You aren't the only one *in* the marriage.

The one thing that concerns me most in your posts is the strong implication that the man your wife is talking to is a predator. In that situation, you might need to focus more on what he's doing and saying to draw her in than on her betrayal of your trust; there's no excuse for her dishonesty and her withdrawal from you, but if he's as predatory as you make him sound, he might be having more influence on her actions than you realize.
 
It sounds like your wife hasn't been handling poly very well. Spending way too much time with the one guy and hardly any time with you. I guess she's lost in her NRE, but that's not really a good excuse.

It sounds like she's blown it in the communication department too. Open marriage is not about letting strangers wander in and out of your lives, it's about open and honest communication among all concerned. In fact, I don't think you can have any kind of marriage if you can't talk honestly with your spouse about your feelings. Why would anyone think they can't share their feelings with the most important person in their life?

This thread is a great example of how not to open a marriage.
 
You said in one post that "more people than you can count" have called you possessive, but in another post you said it's been your wife and one of her other contacts and that's it. To me, that's contradictory; would you be willing to clarify?

Possessiveness or lack thereof aside, your wife betrayed your trust. That's one of the most important pieces of this. She began what some would call an "emotional affair" with more than one person, behind your back, and was not honest with you. No matter whether you're poly or mono, possessive or not, dishonesty is not acceptable behavior to most people. One of the main components of polyamory is open, honest communication. There are folks on these forums who are in poly situations that began with one partner cheating on another, and sometimes that works... but sometimes it doesn't. And if you're not accepting of polyamory to begin with, it doesn't seem that it's something that could work for you.

Love IS infinite. *Expressions* of love are not. You seem to consider the expressions of love to be the same thing as love itself, but that isn't the case. Love is an emotion. The other things are actions. So while it is possible to love more than one person (didn't you love both of your parents? If you have more than one sibling, don't you love all of them?) it is not possible to have unlimited time with everyone you love, or to be physically present with everyone all the time, and so on.

It's unfortunate that you see things like hugging and hand-holding to be part of sex, and I'm curious about why you see it that way. People hug each other constantly. Hubby hugs people he's just met if they're friends of friends or friends of relatives, because touch is how he relates to people. (He does ask first if hugs are okay with the other person, at least.) I hold hands with, hug, and even cuddle with S2 now more than I did when we had a sexual component to our connection; it's soothing and gives both of us the support and comfort we need to deal with stress in our respective life, and it never leads to anything more because we've agreed that sex isn't a thing right now. If your wife hugged a female friend or held her hand, would you feel sick to your stomach? If not, why would you feel that way about her hugging or holding hands with a man? Physical contact doesn't automatically equal sex or lead to it.

None of the above is to say that you're wrong to feel how you feel, by the way. I'm asking you to challenge some of your own beliefs. Regardless of how you feel about the situation specifically with your wife, and aside from polyamory or monogamy, it might benefit you to be open to other ways that *other* people think about love, friendships, and relationships. You can understand how other people work and how they view things while still choosing not to accept it in your own life.

And no, you can't be the only one working on your marriage if it's going to truly work. You aren't the only one *in* the marriage.

The one thing that concerns me most in your posts is the strong implication that the man your wife is talking to is a predator. In that situation, you might need to focus more on what he's doing and saying to draw her in than on her betrayal of your trust; there's no excuse for her dishonesty and her withdrawal from you, but if he's as predatory as you make him sound, he might be having more influence on her actions than you realize.



Alright. Perhaps I overstated that in my earlier comment. There have been a couple of others who have said that of me beyond my wife & one of her friends, but I suppose saying "more than I can count" wasn't quite the phrase. The point, however, is that it's been said before, and not a name I'm not used to being called.

You're right. I've struggled to use words & phrases like "emotional affair" & "cheating", but so far, those are the closest I've been able to come to when describing what happened, and why I'm so bothered by it. It's true, I have NEVER been on board with polyamory in my personal life. I am monogamous, and expect my partner to be the same. Some may call that narrow minded or possessive, but it's not as though I don't make it very clear from the beginning. It's also another part of why I have felt as betrayed as I have. For 20 years, my wife has known this of me, and in some way, it feels as though she chose the path she did because she didn't want me to be the roadblock in any subsequent relationships.

As far as love goes, I respectfully disagree. While I do agree that when a new person to love comes into one's life, it doesn't eliminate the love for current friends, family, spouses, etc..., it does alter the way in which one loves another. Love is much more than an emotion. Making someone feel loved is directly tied to how much one loves them. Yes, I love all of my kids, but in different ways. Yes, I've loved both of my parents, but in different ways. I only have one sister, but I would say the same thing if I had more than one sibling. And the love I have for my wife, is unmatched with anyone else that could possibly love. Supposing a new, romantic interest could enter the picture, then one of two things would happen. 1: I would never be able to truly say I loved her, or, 2: My love for my wife would diminish proportionately to make room for the new. You may not agree, but the way I see it, any such type of love I have to give, belongs to her & no one else. If my love could grow, then the additional love SHOULD go to her. It wouldn't be fair to give that to anyone else.

I don't see hugging & hand hold as "part of sex". Let's be clear. If I caught my wife holding hands with another, I wouldn't consider that to be grounds for divorce or anything. However, when discussing before hand, what actions are acceptable to me, and what are not, hand holding & hugging are on the list. Why? Because I view those as manifestations of deep emotional connections. Now, I'm not talking about the one armed "hello" or "good-bye" hug (which I never do with anyone) you might give an old friend that you haven't seen in 10 years, I'm talking about the embracing & tight squeeze that one might give their spouse. That being said, I am extremely selective when it comes to touch. I've never been a touchy feely kind of person. I shake hands with people I meet, but that's it. The only people I hug, are my wife, my kids, and my Mom. I've had friends try to hug me & I shy away every time. I'm VERY sensitive on touch. No explanation for it really. I wasn't molested, and nothing traumatic happened when I was young... It's just always been very personal to me.

And yes, I have been more concerned about him, and what he may or may not be saying. And while I only know as much as she's been able to tell me, and what I've extracted from two phone conversations I've had with him, the fact is, that he has been successful in convincing her to quit her job, and (even though not successfully) attempted to convince her to leave me. That was where I had to step in & tell her that I would never be comfortable in this marriage as long as she is still talking to him. And part of me thinks that maybe even she recognized that as a bridge too far, because she's been much more agreeable in cutting off communication. While I know that she has those feelings of coping with a loss, she actually told me yesterday that she thought it was going to be more difficult than it is to stop talking to him. And that it's not really bothering her at all.
 
It sounds like she's blown it in the communication department too. Open marriage is not about letting strangers wander in and out of your lives, it's about open and honest communication among all concerned. In fact, I don't think you can have any kind of marriage if you can't talk honestly with your spouse about your feelings. Why would anyone think they can't share their feelings with the most important person in their life?

This thread is a great example of how not to open a marriage.

Thank you. And well said. Those were exactly my concerns. The thing is, that she could've opened up to me about her being poly, and I doubt that I really would've flipped like I did, as long as there wasn't anyone already involved in the mix. We could have worked together to put the right perspective on this. And discussed the parameters. That being said, my lack of willingness to "open" our marriage would not have been any different. But at least I would have felt confident that she truly valued my input.
 
CTF, I'll leave you alone after this as I don't think my contributions are useful to you. But, I did want to comment on this:

Supposing a new, romantic interest could enter the picture, then one of two things would happen. 1: I would never be able to truly say I loved her, or, 2: My love for my wife would diminish proportionately to make room for the new. You may not agree, but the way I see it, any such type of love I have to give, belongs to her & no one else. If my love could grow, then the additional love SHOULD go to her. It wouldn't be fair to give that to anyone else.

This is your assumption/your hypothesis. It's not based on actual experience, correct? And, even if it were based on an actual experience, given that people enter our lives and touch us in many different ways, I don't think you can say this conclusively about the future. To be honest, I find it to be a sad, rigid, closed statement. This is totally my opinion, take it or leave it, but it feels to me like you're closing yourself off from intimacy and love. And, no, I'm not trying to convince you to give poly a try. Nor am I advocating seeking romantic emotional or sexual connections. It's just, that in my experience, the more freely we give love, the more open we are to receiving it. The more we receive it, the easier it is to give it. And, by love, I just mean love and compassion to all those in our lives whether they be family, friends, or just that random stranger we sit beside on an airplane ride. In my experience, love IS infinite, it's (as KC43 said) our time and resources that are finite.

I mention all of this because it leads me to wonder if your wife's emotional affairs began because she felt emotionally starved or disconnected. That's not justifying the affairs or her actions at all. Nor is it casting blame on you for the affairs. It's just that in my experience, to correct what's broken, it's useful to know why and how it broke.

Last thing, here's a link: From Here to There: Developing a Mindset of Abundance. It deals specifically with polyamory which doesn't apply to you. But, the theory behind it is exactly what I'm driving at. If you treat love as a scarce resource, it will be. But if you treat it as an abundant, infinite resource, you'll find your life overflowing with it.
 
CTF, I'll leave you alone after this as I don't think my contributions are useful to you. But, I did want to comment on this:



This is your assumption/your hypothesis. It's not based on actual experience, correct? And, even if it were based on an actual experience, given that people enter our lives and touch us in many different ways, I don't think you can say this conclusively about the future. To be honest, I find it to be a sad, rigid, closed statement. This is totally my opinion, take it or leave it, but it feels to me like you're closing yourself off from intimacy and love. And, no, I'm not trying to convince you to give poly a try. Nor am I advocating seeking romantic emotional or sexual connections. It's just, that in my experience, the more freely we give love, the more open we are to receiving it. The more we receive it, the easier it is to give it. And, by love, I just mean love and compassion to all those in our lives whether they be family, friends, or just that random stranger we sit beside on an airplane ride. In my experience, love IS infinite, it's (as KC43 said) our time and resources that are finite.

I mention all of this because it leads me to wonder if your wife's emotional affairs began because she felt emotionally starved or disconnected. That's not justifying the affairs or her actions at all. Nor is it casting blame on you for the affairs. It's just that in my experience, to correct what's broken, it's useful to know why and how it broke.

Last thing, here's a link: From Here to There: Developing a Mindset of Abundance. It deals specifically with polyamory which doesn't apply to you. But, the theory behind it is exactly what I'm driving at. If you treat love as a scarce resource, it will be. But if you treat it as an abundant, infinite resource, you'll find your life overflowing with it.


Look, I appreciate your perspective. I really do. I know that my statements sound closed & rigid. Maybe they are. But, in 4 decades on this planet, that's the way I've experienced it. You can see it as sad if you want, but personally, I don't see giving all of myself to a very select network of people to be a negative.

You asked if my quoted statement was based on experience... Yes, it was. Although, not with my wife. Before she came into the picture, there was someone else who I did in fact love very much. But once my wife & I began to get close, the love I had felt for my previous partner, had virtually disappeared.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm actually quite friendly with most people. I do my best to give others the benefit of the doubt, I don't shy away from making conversation with people, and I do have compassion for others and do what I can to help when needed. But I don't call that "love". Between my wife, my kids, my Mom & a few close friends, I have all that I could ever need. I see no reason to seek additional love from anyone but them.

Honestly, I don't know why my wife did what she did. I've always thought that I've done my best to do right by her. I've tried my best to be everything she could need or want. I've never starved her for attention, affection, love, emotion, support, you name it. Personally, I think this guy from Jersey in particular, did more to sink his claws in, than I did to driver her away. And I've also always made it perfectly clear that if there's anything I'm doing to make her unhappy, or to make her feel bad, to let me know. I'm a natural problem solver, and I need to know if there's a problem, or else I don't know that anything needs to be fixed.
 
I'm a natural problem solver, and I need to know if there's a problem, or else I don't know that anything needs to be fixed.

That is me as well, and I have been told in no uncertain terms by my therapist and both my men that I need to learn when someone just wants to vent to a sympathetic listener and when they want things fixed for them. Maybe the other guy was good at listening without trying to fix?

Leetah
 
I apologize. You're right, it's just a different perspective and different values/desires. The way you experience romantic love reminds me of this: from YouAreHere's blog.

I do have one last question... Did your wife's other friendships/infatuations/attractions begin before, after, or during this emotional affair?
 
That is me as well, and I have been told in no uncertain terms by my therapist and both my men that I need to learn when someone just wants to vent to a sympathetic listener and when they want things fixed for them. Maybe the other guy was good at listening without trying to fix?

Leetah


In way, he may have been. Although, it became clear that his motives were not simply on being a good listener. Like I said, he convinced her to quite her job & to hell with the consequences. And recently, he had suggested that she leave me. He's also made some scattered comments about being jealous of me, for getting to wake up next to her every morning... Now, in her defense, she has stated that with him, he's simply able to say "hey, let's just play a game or watch a movie & forget about it". The problem is, that knowing the problems still existed afterward, she seemed to feel that the only solution, was to bury herself in 12 hours/day in distraction via online activity, and another 8 hours in sleep, leaving a max of 4 hours/day in reality, which included time for me, our children, and everything else.
 
Have things improved at all?
 
I apologize. You're right, it's just a different perspective and different values/desires. The way you experience romantic love reminds me of this: from YouAreHere's blog.

I do have one last question... Did your wife's other friendships/infatuations/attractions begin before, after, or during this emotional affair?

Please. This is not an issue of apologies. But I have to say, that I read the link, and those analogies have made better sense than any other explanation I've seen so far. Unfortunately, I know that I will never be able to identify with the fountain analogy. Intellectually, sure, it makes perfect sense. But the hardest thing to do is to try & rationalize such a complicated emotion.

As far as your question... I'm not really sure how to answer that. If the time frame she's telling me about is accurate, then they would have all come before hand. There are still 3 out of 5 that she says she has not told. But as far as her feelings are concerned, she's felt that way for some time, but says that she really can't pinpoint it down to specific times with each. But since she says that she discussed the feelings (and confirmed them to be mutual) two days before me, then it would be fair to say it was long before that... However, I began to have suspicions about the one going back to December/January.... So I don't really know for sure.
 
Granted, one of the individuals did try to encourage her to leave me because he thinks (his words) "he doesn't understand you like I do".

Here's the thing... The timing of this is what really complicates things. She began talking to him last October. By the end of November, they were talking constantly.
She is talking constantly to a man that encourages her to leave you??
 
Hi CTF.

Can I ask what your objective is? It seems you've been here for a little while and have a good level of awareness. You've been able to see the perspective of others from the feedback you've received.

It will come time to make a decision of what you will do. You can set boundaries and define what you are willing to tolerate in your marriage.

It is clear you are not content with the status quo. What is your plan?

---
I just wanted to post to ask the above, but it occurs that you were soliciting a broad range of views so might as well add my two cents. I don't feel comfortable giving "advice" and my own situation is pretty screwed up - I've posted about it. In fact, reading your story has made me even more cautious and aware of the potential consequences of what I desire.

I intuit that your wife is or was having a weight management issue. Maybe diet / exercise / other lifestyle habits are something that needs to be addressed to rectify this? And it wouldn't be a bad idea to engage in physical recreation together.

I think you've been excessively permissive / tolerant and that this has potentially made her insecure. You verbalise what you stand for but don't seem to follow it up with action. You don't want anything but monogamy but she is continually pushing your boundaries, right under your nose. In some ways she is behaving like a spoiled child; e.g. colluding with this loser to quit her job and not paying you the respect to discuss her decision with you.

We become like the company we keep and someone who has time to sit at home and play video games / watch films all day while flirting with a bunch of married women with whom he is not having sex is a loser. This sounds judgemental and whatever, and I might get some grief from the community here. The point is this isn't someone who is healthy mentally or spiritually - probably not physically either as weak minds tend to go with weak bodies.

Do you believe that you are worthy of a partner who is present for her marriage with you rather than one who would prefer retreating into a virtual fantasy world and engaging in inappropriate relationships with loser men who collude with her to bring out the absolute worst in her? (sloth, neglect of her family, etc) Can you act in accordance with this belief and set her some clear boundaries?

She will likely rail against them, threaten to leave you, etc...but can you be strong enough to stand firm and offer her that secure space within which she can find personal fulfilment and nourish her positive qualities once again? This needs to be done with compassion, determination, and above all a willingness to walk away if she is not prepared to develop herself.

You might find reading marriagebuilders dot com helpful.

I am sorry for what you are going through and I wish you the best in rebuilding your marriage. It sounds like you love her very much and can still see the good in her. Let her know this. She is better than this behaviour and I'm sure with enough introspection and effort you can learn to be happy together again.
 
When I met my 'friend' online, the feelings grew and grew through our friendship (which was formed through gaming) and it was confusing and guilt-filled for me. I tried several times to break off the friendship, tried to be 'just friends' and eventually I realised that I felt more for him than just an online fling, even though I tried not to. It wasn't until I was faced with this fact that I reevaluated my relationship style. Why was I always feeling this way when in a relationship? Was there something wrong with me? That is when information on polyamory found me, I didn't even go searching for it and it was like a lightbulb moment. So my point is...perhaps it's the same for your wife. You're not told you are polyamorous, you just figure it out through experience.

You had an online affair. It's quite common to fall in love with two or more people at the same time. It doesn't mean we 'are' anything different from millions of people throughout history. The true question is: does falling in love entitle us to act on those feelings?

...when you are partnered with someone, everything else has to be labelled as 'friend' and there are limits put on how you can be with someone. You are happy with those limits and she is not. I understand how her spending so much time with another person online is distressing for you, but perhaps she feels he understands or accepts her more than you do. It's easier to spend time with someone who 'gets' you. The other reason might be because spending time with someone online isn't all that fulfilling. When you really care for someone, being with them in person is completely different. Perhaps she is spending so much time online with him because she's filling that longing for being with him, but it's just not hitting the spot. Does that make sense? Like I said I'm just throwing ideas out there. Your best bet is to communicate with her, get her to really think about what she is doing.

Once again, *having* a feeling does not entitle us to *act* on that feeling. Her actions are causing pain to another human being. Her 'longings' do not outweigh the pain she is causing. I don't always feel like going to work, but I do it anyway. Ditto for living up to her marriage vows and not hurting the one she swore to love.

It's self evident, to my mind, that she's spending all this time online with another man because of her longing. That doesn't justify actions that cause pain to her husband.

From the possessive side of things...once you realise your true nature in the ability to love several people and the desire to be that way, anything else feels restrictive.

However, if your love continues to grow with that other person, one night per week begins to feel restrictive. Then only four nights per week begins to feel restrictive. Not being able to live together may begin to feel restrictive. Not having a baby with the one you love may begin to feel restrictive.

How far do we go with justifying each new action based on 'feeling' restricted? What if having another man (ie, the husband) in the home begins to feel restrictive to the wife? What if her having a husband at all begins to feel restrictive to the new guy?



But she's not 'doing this to you'. She is living her life, following her journey. Perhaps she's not doing it perfectly or the way she 'should' but all you can do is respond from how you feel and from what you want.

But our actions do affect others. We cannot justify an action by simply claiming it is our journey. Online affairs are not 'journeys.' They're cheating. A true journey is about growth. I don't see growth in actions that hurt our spouses and children and end up tearing apart a family.


That said, you do come across as rigid in your thinking which could be construed as narrow minded.....

...if I want to improve the relationship, it's in my best interest to really look at my own behaviors, communication style, and treatment of the other person. If I change that which I can control (myself and only myself), then it will affect the relationship. Expecting the other person to do all the changing and compromising is a recipe for disaster.

I don't find it rigid at all to know what he wants, and know that his wife having affairs with multiple men is causing him pain.

I agree looking at our own behaviors, etc. is always the place to start. But there are plenty of times when we eventually have to face that the other person is going to follow the course they've chosen, and it has nothing to do with us. I finally understood this with XH and XBF both. They had a path and no amount of looking at myself was going to improve the situation for me.
 
I'm going to throw out a few of my initial thoughts - feel free to take what you find useful and ignore the rest.

I hear a lot about what is going on for you. How stressful her having such a connection with this other guy. How you are set on monogamy. How her actions continue to hurt her.

Of course this is a forum and we only hear your perspective. Only natural.

But where is she in all this? Have you asked her? How is she doing, absent of the desire to love multiple people? What meaning or purpose is she finding in her life ever since she left her job (and is neglecting her family)? Is it possible at all that she might be depressed?

Would you be willing to listen to her about her journey of discovering she is poly, even if you are not interested in practicing that relationship model?

I'd be asking her for some time to talk and saying, "hey, how are things actually going for you?" And then just listening. Perhaps even asking about how SHE thinks things are going between you and her. Is she also missing quality time with you? If so, are there ways to plan that into both your schedules to help work on you? If not, then what's going on for you and her to be so disconnected regarding your relationship? Could you ask her directly about what happened the other day when she watched movies for hours upon hours? Not in an accusatory, "you did wrong" way, but in a curious, empathic way. Could you take the approach of trying to understand and describe, rather than label it or add your perspective to it? (not that you are necessarily doing that, but doing some real active listening).

To me, this feels much less about poly and much more about your relationship with her and communication. She may or may not be poly, I'm not discounting that, but I do agree with past posters who suggested that maybe she was looking for something with others that she was missing in your relationship. In my opinion, moving forward, I'd be focusing all my energies on listening to her and trying to fully put myself in her shoes...that is, if she is willing to share that part of her world with me.
 
Communication...

From the looks of it, she doesn't seem to know how to effectively communicate with you about this situation, and visa versa. Although nobody will ever know exactly the feelings you are going through, we can empathize. I think everyone in this community has felt jealous/inadequate/unsure about the lifestyle and our partners at some point in time. I guess the real question here is, can she commit to having a monogamous relationship with you and only you, or can you come to some common ground where she is still able to express herself as poly and continue to make you happy and comfortable with the situation?

This probably doesn't help, but I have been in a similar situation with my fiancé, since 90% of the time I am mono in our relationship and he is the poly one. I think a lot of times the only thing that gets us through it is communication. Yes, I feel inadequate sometimes. Yes, sometimes we have to have extremely uncomfortable conversations to get past whatever it is bothering me/us, but that's how this works (at least for us). If it weren't for those extremely uncomfortable conversations and sometimes questioning whether this is right for us or not, we wouldn't be as happy as we are now.

The two of you need to come to a concrete agreement on what is going to work, and if it isn't going to work at all, then that's what needs to be accepted. If she cannot be in a monogamous relationship with you, or you can't accept that there will be this "gray area" of her talking to other men, even if it doesn't turn into anything, then maybe there are greater decisions to be made. I hope all of the replies help, and that you find your peace - we are all here to help!
 
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