Trouble with Primary- Where do I draw the line and where do I leave?

*Im sorry about the novel but I'm in a fucking crisis right now and I have no idea what to do.*

So my husband and I have been struggling financially and needing new jobs. I have a job, but it's a shit job leading nowhere and I'm miserable. I've discovered the direction I want to go in and I've been pouring everything I have into making that happen. I've filled out 3 applications, sent out countless emails, and I'm rebuilding my resume to send to about 5 places.

My husband also needs a job and he hasn't worked in about 3 years. After several weeks of him flipping out over needing a job, he finally has a somewhat better attitude about it, but he's still resorting to small things (I.e. Buying and reselling stuff from flea markets).

He and I ended up in a huge fight last night because I told him that was okay, but we really need to focus on getting something reliable and regular. But he ended up turning the conversation into saying 1.) I'm unsupportive. 2.) that all the stress is on him and 3.) I've "done nothing but look for volunteer work" (I've looked 3 places a week ago on top of all the stuff listed above this week, right next to him).

Then he lied to me when I tried to clarify how many applications he's filled out. He said none, and 3 minutes later said he's filled out 3. Saying it was "just a white lie" and he was "trying to make a point." At that point I completely lost my mind. Because it was all my fault AND he can't even tell me the truth without needing to prove a point with a lie. But I'm the one with a problem...

After that I lost my mind and needed to get away and he would not let me leave. He started chasing me around our house and trapping me. Jumped on the back of my car, tried to pick the lock to our guest room. I almost climbed out the window just so I could get away like I needed to.

Meanwhile, in the midst of looking for jobs, he's looking at photography jobs and talking about using MY portfolio to apply.

On top of that, there's a whole nother scenario that I won't detail where he's communicating two different things to my meta and I that I didn't realise until today and he's giving me the "so I'm not mad at you for (spilling my beans). I love you and I don't want to fight."

I just don't know what to feel anymore. I'm panicking because he's been super nice and lovey today and I know what he's doing. I don't even know where to begin but I'm so numb.
 
Really, your whole post reads as one red flag after another to me. The chasing you around the house, trying to make you talk to him, turning everything around so it somehow is all your fault, the lies, both to you and your metamore - it all points to a possible cycle of abuse to me. Even him being super nice and loving today is possibly a part of the cycle - lots of abusers shower their partner with love and kindness after an episode of abuse to keep the partner engaged with them.

I'm sorry your struggling. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say that you aren't wrong for thinking something is off in your relationship. <hugs>
 
I agree - he sounds abusive, lazy, and controlling, and of course doesn't want his meal ticket to leave. Trying to stop you from leaving is unacceptable and abusive behavior. IMO, you should leave and break things off with him permanently.
 
crisis and red flags

Bunnie, the previous posters are right - there are many red flags in your post. There might be reasons he hasn't worked in years, but his actions and behaviors towards you seem - to me - to actually be more troubling. Does he suffer with depression? Do mental health issues run in his family? Yes, people lie and seem to swing emotionally without mental illness, but perhaps there are serious medical issues here too.

If you can ask him when he's calm if he would consider talking to his doctor about how he's feeling and allow you to share your observations with them as well, you might find that a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant makes worlds of difference is his mood swings, his behaviors And his interest in contributing financially to your household.

Just thoughts - all the best~
 
Really, your whole post reads as one red flag after another to me. The chasing you around the house, trying to make you talk to him, turning everything around so it somehow is all your fault, the lies, both to you and your metamore - it all points to a possible cycle of abuse to me. Even him being super nice and loving today is possibly a part of the cycle - lots of abusers shower their partner with love and kindness after an episode of abuse to keep the partner engaged with them.

I'm sorry your struggling. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say that you aren't wrong for thinking something is off in your relationship. <hugs>

He's been in therapy for several months now trying to learn how to manage his anxiety. Our fights have tapered off, but when they do happen, it's takes running in circles with him to get him to realize how damaging and abusive some of the things he says is.

He's at least reached a point where you can get him to a place where he can handle being told those things and it actually is getting easier to get through to him.

This fight was just very concerning because though the screaming has stopped, he gets a big head about "being calm" and pretty much shoves it in my face when I can't stay calm- which is only when I or the family are being disrespected. His issues is that we become defensive. He sees it as us not being able to take criticism, when it's criticism that's unfair and uncalled for. So he's calm, but still faltering in maintaining clear communication without manipulating us.

He ended up apologizing for a handful of those things, but now he has issue with our sudden distance.

All in all, he's trying. But I don't know how repairable the manipulation really is if he can remain calm and end up being just as incredibly disrespectful as he was in this issue
 
I'm sorry.

After that I lost my mind and needed to get away and he would not let me leave. He started chasing me around our house and trapping me. Jumped on the back of my car, tried to pick the lock to our guest room. I almost climbed out the window just so I could get away like I needed to.

I just don't know what to feel anymore. I'm panicking because he's been super nice and lovey today and I know what he's doing. I don't even know where to begin but I'm so numb.

I wonder if deep down you already know this stuff is pretty bad. And you don't want to ride the merry-go-round for another spin.

You could draw the line now and LEAVE. Without telling him. Focus on making your getaway plan.

I don't know how repairable the manipulation really is if he can remain calm and end up being just as incredibly disrespectful as he was in this issue

You seem to recognize this IS manipulation. There is no "repair" from that to me. Just tactic hopping.

I wonder if you are hesitant to label these behaviors as "abuse" because you cannot believe it is happening to you? It is way more than "disrespectful." It is DANGEROUS. What's he going to do next time? Chase you, catch you, and then choke you? :(

You seem to be riding the cycle of abuse. Explode, calm, explode, calm. Round and round.

I think what would be healthiest is for YOU is to to leave. But the leaving time can be scary and dangerous. There's that whole "If I cannot have you, nobody can!" thing to contend with. You cannot stay, you cannot afford a botched leaving. It's a tough place to be in.

I don't know if anything here helps.

http://speakoutloud.net/articles

If you are at a stage where you are ready to break free? I strongly suggest you quietly call your doctor, a shelter, or similar local resource and ask for help in leaving. Develop a safety plan. Talk to family and friends to ask for help leaving, a place to stay, money, whatever you need. Don't stand on pride.

But definitely be safe. Lie if you have to. Fake happy and just plan to not be there one day with your stuff. Or leave all the stuff behind -- if that's what it takes to get out safe.

This raging stuff? This cycle of abuse stuff? Over time it becomes more and more explosive, and less and less time in between explosions.

I am very concerned about your well being. :(

You don't deserve this. You have value, worth and dignity. You deserve to be treated well. If this man cannot treat you well? He treats you in dangerous and scary ways? You need to get away from him and stay away.

I am very sorry you deal with this. It still has to be dealt with.

hugs,
Galagirl
 
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Hi Bunnielight,

I am concerned about the way your husband is acting. Obviously he is intent on winning the arguments, but when he blocks you from leaving that is going too far. I take it he is getting gradually better with his therapy?

I hope things get better for you, I am not sure what to advise at this moment.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry.





I wonder if deep down you already know this stuff is pretty bad. And you don't want to ride the merry-go-round for another spin.

You could draw the line now and LEAVE. Without telling him. Focus on making your getaway plan.



You seem to recognize this IS manipulation. There is no "repair" from that to me. Just tactic hopping.

I wonder if you are hesitant to label these behaviors as "abuse" because you cannot believe it is happening to you? It is way more than "disrespectful." It is DANGEROUS. What's he going to do next time? Chase you, catch you, and then choke you? :(

You seem to be riding the cycle of abuse. Explode, calm, explode, calm. Round and round.

I think what would be healthiest is for YOU is to to leave. But the leaving time can be scary and dangerous. There's that whole "If I cannot have you, nobody can!" thing to contend with. You cannot stay, you cannot afford a botched leaving. It's a tough place to be in.

I don't know if anything here helps.

http://speakoutloud.net/articles

If you are at a stage where you are ready to break free? I strongly suggest you quietly call your doctor, a shelter, or similar local resource and ask for help in leaving. Develop a safety plan. Talk to family and friends to ask for help leaving, a place to stay, money, whatever you need. Don't stand on pride.

But definitely be safe. Lie if you have to. Fake happy and just plan to not be there one day with your stuff. Or leave all the stuff behind -- if that's what it takes to get out safe.

This raging stuff? This cycle of abuse stuff? Over time it becomes more and more explosive, and less and less time in between explosions.

I am very concerned about your well being. :(

You don't deserve this. You have value, worth and dignity. You deserve to be treated well. If this man cannot treat you well? He treats you in dangerous and scary ways? You need to get away from him and stay away.

I am very sorry you deal with this. It still has to be dealt with.

hugs,
Galagirl

I honestly don't believe that he would ever choke me or lay his hands on me in that way. He hasn't in the 5 years we've been together, nor has he hit or choked a woman. The closest he came to any of that was bear hugging me from behind to restrain me. But even that came at a really unnecessary time and I made it very clear if he did that again, I would likely swing at him because I have severe trauma from my childhood and I black out in anger when I'm restrained or physically trapped.

He was chasing me to get me to talk to him and I have a habit of shutting down if I know my words are being twisted. But in his eyes, that's a serious problem.

But you are right about the tactic swapping. Because before therapy it was all these things with explosive anger attached. Now that he's started therapy and I've laid out boundaries about getting in my face, he seems to have really tried to control his anger. But this time he was being just as manipulative as before, only kept saying "I'm calm. You're not." Which has really jolted me and scared me into believing that his manipulation will never be changed. When I was finally able to leave I was just confused.
"What the hell is going on? This is almost worse..."
 
Hi Bunnielight,

I am concerned about the way your husband is acting. Obviously he is intent on winning the arguments, but when he blocks you from leaving that is going too far. I take it he is getting gradually better with his therapy?

I hope things get better for you, I am not sure what to advise at this moment.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

After being in therapy for a while, he has gradually become more self aware. Last night he admitted that he had a back fall the other night in the scenario I described and did apologize, but that doesn't change or undo the damage he's done to me emotionally when he can't control it in the moment.

My BF and meta came over yesterday to discuss with him the last thing I described and they came to my work to tell me what happened, then when I got home, I got a very different story from him as to what was said, who said it, and how it was said. This tends to happen a lot and I don't know what to do about it when his words influence my relationships with them. It's beginning to make me resent him because I don't know what to believe anymore.
 
I'm sorry. I hope airing out some of your story here brings you some comfort. Ultimately you have to decide for you what to do. For me? I'd be out of there. That's just too much for me.

I honestly don't believe that he would ever choke me or lay his hands on me in that way. He hasn't in the 5 years we've been together, nor has he hit or choked a woman. The closest he came to any of that was bear hugging me from behind to restrain me

Restraining you from behind IS laying hands on you, hon. :(

that doesn't change or undo the damage he's done to me emotionally when he can't control it in the moment.

That's where I worry he might not restrain or trap you in a room, but choke you when is is out of control. There's always a first time. :(

Which has really jolted me and scared me into believing that his manipulation will never be changed.

When I was finally able to leave I was just confused. "What the hell is going on? This is almost worse..."

It's beginning to make me resent him because I don't know what to believe anymore.

FWIW? To me it sounds like you are not happy there. You seem to acknowledge that he continues to damage you in various ways. And it sounds like there doesn't seem to be progress enough with therapy to where you feel happy, respected, and safe being there. You also think that he cannot really change.

I think the only thing YOU can change so you can be free of all this is your "staying-ness." Could let it end and rebuild your life. That can take some time to digest but I think that's the best solution here so you don't have more damage to you.

You could print and circle all the tactics you have experienced.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u...tober 2014 New Tactic 5 Cyber Abuse Cover.pdf

Anyone can have a bad day and do one or two, but if there's a lot of them a lot of the time? That could tell you something.

I think you might already know that this stuff is NOT normal and it is NOT ok to do. :(

Again, I'm sorry you deal in this. :(

Galagirl
 
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I honestly don't believe that he would ever choke me or lay his hands on me in that way.

He was chasing me to get me to talk to him and I have a habit of shutting down if I know my words are being twisted. But in his eyes, that's a serious problem.

After being in therapy for a while, he has gradually become more self aware. Last night he admitted that he had a back fall the other night in the scenario I described and did apologize . . . I got a very different story from him as to what was said, who said it, and how it was said. This tends to happen a lot and I don't know what to do about it when his words influence my relationships with them. It's beginning to make me resent him because I don't know what to believe anymore.
You are resisting the idea that he is abusive. You're making excuses for him and trying to see his good side, trying to acknowledge that he's making an effort,and trying to take some of the blame for what he did. Can you see that?

But hon, even serial killers can have a good side and be quite charming - that doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with one.

Of course, I am not saying he's a serial killer - please don't misunderstand. I am sure that you never would've fallen in love and married him if there weren't any good things about him. However, people are multifaceted creatures and lots of us have two very different sides to our personalities.

What I am saying is that you seem to not want to accept that you're living with an abusive man who could hurt you, whether intentionally or not. And so, despite your knowing something is off-kilter here, you're trying to say that it isn't as dire or serious an issue as it actually is.

It is that dire and serious.

My first assumption about an abusive person is not that he or she is a monster, but that they are deeply damaged in some way and in need of help. BUT who knows how long it will be, or if ever, for that person to heal or even acknowledge what they are? If you are being mistreated by him, and it sounds like you are indeed, you need to get out of his line of fire and look out for yourself. Leaving him NOW could be the wake-up call he needs to get his shit together, in whatever way he can. BUT you don't want to wait around, hoping it will get better, until you are a shell of your former self and totally beaten down by life with this man. Imagine a close friend going through this - wouldn't you tell her to leave and find safety? Instead of "Well, wait and see how it goes, it might get better."

You need to get out, Bunnielight. You need to develop an exit plan. Visit this link:



.
 
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*sorry about this, just wanted to touch base again for those of you that are concerned or want to know*

So, my husband spent yesterday afternoon ranting about how the conversation with my BF and meta went.

Saying my meta got hostile, my BF didn't speak and ducked his head. He got stuck on a handful of claims that he was so angry about.

As it turns out, my meta recorded the entire conversation in her pocket while it was happening. Last night she begged me to come over and listen with her so I could see the difference. And I did. By the end of it, I was shaking in anger. It was exactly what he did to me the day before and I saw the subconscious manipulation clear as day.

He was far more hostile than they ever were. He would cut them off and put words into their mouths and then run with the silent response. Anytime my BF did speak, he rudely talked over him "yea yea. Whatever" and just flat out wouldn't listen.

He twisted things and exaggerated things so drastically that by the time he came to me about it, he was the victim.

So I brought them over and reclassified everything he told me. I made him face what he said about them to me and admit it in front of them so they would have a chance to clear it up. Because my husband was fully ready to throw his hands in the air about everything over a scenario he fabricated on his own.

This is a serious problem and the same thing that happens every time things get out of hand, this is just one of the first times we've had such clear cut evidence of what he's doing.

He accepted it. He says he feels guilty and he doesn't mean to lie, but that's how he saw that happening.

"Well, if that's how you see it, you really need to clean off your glasses because that's not fair to anyone."

And he agreed. He says he's going to talk to his therapist about it, I just really hope this can start to change. Because it's so debilitating to everything .
 
I'm trying to decide if he has defective perception/memory, or if he is just lying through his teeth. :eek:
 
I'm trying to decide if he has defective perception/memory, or if he is just lying through his teeth. :eek:

Honestly? I think it's a bit of both, but I think he lies to himself first and becomes so defensive that he really believes these things. And the rest of the lying is him covering his own ass. What he believed was said, was actually him cutting them off and reacting to what he heard.

"You don't do a thing- (that you promised you would)"
Suddenly turns into him stating "if people don't think I contribute anything, I think that needs to be said now."
*awkward silence because- wtf*

And in his brain, their silence is confirmation of the words he just put in their mouths.

By the time it gets to me, he's twisted it into something completely different that's actually shaking his whole foundation and confidence in his abilities. So why would he intentionally lie about it?

To get my sympathy? To turn me against them? To make it more okay- to me- that he gives up? Regardless of the reason, his emotional reaction tells me that he truly believes these things and they morph the more he sits on it.
 
"O, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!"
-- Walter Scott, Marmion (1808)
 
I honestly am trying to figure out how to talk to his therapist and try and cover some of this just because, I know he said he was going to talk to him, but now I don't know if I can trust what he tells him right now.

My husband said it was a wake up call and he's realizing how unstable he really is, but I don't know what else to do in order to resolve this.

I've been thinking about all the moves I could make. Because that recording was extremely concerning. Something is seriously wrong. Do I call his therapist? Do I email him the file? Do I follow through with my own therapist and have them listen and help me?

Our lease is up in August and I'm seriously not comfortable resigning at this point.
The problem is, that tears the whole family apart, fucks over the band, and so many other things. I don't know where I can go and am in the middle of trying to find a new job because I'm only making $300/mo right now.

I just have no idea where to start.
 
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My husband said it was a wake up call and he's realizing how unstable he really is, but I don't know what else to do in order to resolve this.

You could alert his therapist, and that is about it. Then get you safe. There is nothing else YOU can do to resolve HIS mental health care issues. That is his responsibility. He has to work his care plan in order to get stable/better. If he's not doing it, he's just not.

Could not sign a new lease. Could start asking if friends, family or shelter can take you in. It's not fun to think about and I am really, really sorry this is happening. Still has to be dealt with. :(

Galagirl
 
Bunnie,

Is this all new behavior, as in he has not behaved this way before? Or is it an extension, or an acceleration, of how he has always acted towards you and others?

I ask because if this is truly new behavior, then illness could be a factor. Mental illness can cause increasing paranoia, lying, etc. Brain tumors can dramatically change personality.

This is not to change his responsibility for dealing with his behavior and its consequences. Something is terribly wrong, clearly. And the possibility that there may an concrete explanation for awful behavior does not relieve you of having to deal with this. Keep thinking about how you can be safe, both short and long term, how to make more money, which friends you can possibly stay with, and so on.
 
Re:
"I ask because if this is truly new behavior, then illness could be a factor. Mental illness can cause increasing paranoia, lying, etc.. Brain tumors can dramatically change personality."

Good point, opal.
 
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