DADT, poly style

All of the standard poly reservations about DADT seem to be around fears that the person could be lying and that the meta could be emotionally less than capable or whatever. As you rightly point out, River, lying and less than adult emotional capacity can exist in all types of relationships. I choose to live in a world where I trust my instincts about people and I don't require proof of honesty in any relationship.

This particular rationalization for avoiding DADT seems to come from the same place as the "I have to meet him or you can't date him" thrust. It's a place of fear of being lied to and treating everyone like they just got out of prison and need to *prove* themselves.

I think if I find myself in such a distrusting state that I would really need to re-evaluate my life choices.

And I completely disagree that a DADT precludes falling in love and deep emotional commitment. DADT encompasses a wide range of possibilities, it doesn't necessarily mean that the additional relationships have to be limited in commitment. If people are mature, generous of spirit and loving, anything is possible.

I agree that it doesn't preclude falling in love or deep intimate connection (the word commitment makes me feel gross), however, I also see that it is a limiting factor. It is a limiting factor like someone not being interested in sharing their work-life, a particular cherished hobby, etc. I am certainly not opposed to someone holding back some cards that they don't want to share with me, but it takes one important thing to that person out of the realm of possible connection.

Note that I'm not judging this reality harshly, I ALWAYS reserve the right to share what I want and not share what I want... we are all adults here and I'm sure we can handle it. But, since I am not fooling myself, I understand that each bit of potential intimacy I withhold from someone I am risking some level of intimate sharing and closeness with them.

You don't want to introduce me to your Ex-Gang-member Halfway House Support Group? Hey, I get it, but it necessarily puts up a barricade to closeness, big or small.
 
I don't think people are lying but communication is hard even when speaking directly, so I would have trouble putting trust on everybody being on board with what was going on without talking to them myself. In my experience, people are not good at communication and DADT makes that situation worse.

DADT has got very little to do with not disclosing sexual details to other partners, because if you meeet your metamours you have an uppertunity to convey what you want and ask for what you want. In dodt you don't know who these people are and what goes on in their lives at all.
 
In dodt you don't know who these people are and what goes on in their lives at all.
And there's something wrong with that? I don't need to be privy to what's happening in someone's life just because they're fucking or in love with the same person I am.
 
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In dadt you don't know who these people are and what goes on in their lives at all.

That suits my 'friends' down to the ground.

They're my friends, not each other's.


ka kite
Evie
 
And there's something wrong with that? I don't need to be privy to what's happening in someone's life just because they're fucking or in love with the same person I am.
It depends on what you want to do. Do you want to get fluent bonded with these people? Do you feel it is your problem if there are communication issues down the chain? Do you shrug your shoulders when some issue finds it way to you? I generally don't trust that people can compertialize like that without it spilling over somewhere. But then again I am the type of person who also prefer to know the friends and family of my friends and also actively introduce my friends to one another to build a more solid network, so making anything purely duo is probably weird to me.
 
That suits my 'friends' down to the ground.

They're my friends, not each other's.

ka kite
Evie
I think we have seen pretty many examples on this Forum -and for sure I have seen it outside of it - that a chain without communication makes things like safer sex rather difficult.
 
It depends on what you want to do. Do you want to get fluent bonded with these people?
I have no need to fluid bond with anyone. Nor do I have a need to know what is going on in any metamours' lives.

Do you feel it is your problem if there are communication issues down the chain?
If there is a DADT, there would be no communication, hence no communication issues. But whether with or without DADT, I certainly don't think it's necessary to be in communication with all of the lovers of my lovers.

Do you shrug your shoulders when some issue finds it way to you?
If there is an issue between me and a lover of mine, I address it. Issues between a lover and his others, not my issue to address, unless it affects me. But that still doesn't mean I need to know everyone a lover of mine is involved with, and if I have met them, I don't need to know them well nor to be informed on what is going on in their lives.

I generally don't trust that people can compertialize like that without it spilling over somewhere. But then again I am the type of person who also prefer to know the friends and family of my friends and also actively introduce my friends to one another to build a more solid network, so making anything purely duo is probably weird to me.
I'm not interested in building a network.
 
Norwegianpoly, you're in a solidly poly-fi situation in which you have agreed to meet and vet any potential new partners before any dating takes place, which is a very different place to be than someone who is dating individually. You're coming from a very group-centric orientationwith the point of view that everyone must be checked out and OK'ed by the group before allowed in - extremely different than poly people who are out there dating one on one. It's two extremely different approaches to poly and to meeting people. Personally, I would not care to live in a world in which I need proof of intentions and abilities before I proceed to make friends, in which I don't trust others to have sound judgement in running their own lives. I prefer to operate the other way: I assume competence and good will until I have evidence to the contrary - and I have to say, people generally live up to my expectations. If they don't, we just naturally drift apart soon enough. No guarded stance required.
 
Norwegianpoly, you're in a solidly poly-fi situation in which you have agreed to meet and vet any potential new partners before any dating takes place, which is a very different place to be than someone who is dating individually. You're coming from a very group-centric orientationwith the point of view that everyone must be checked out and OK'ed by the group before allowed in - extremely different than poly people who are out there dating one on one. It's two extremely different approaches to poly and to meeting people. Personally, I would not care to live in a world in which I need proof of intentions and abilities before I proceed to make friends, in which I don't trust others to have sound judgement in running their own lives. I prefer to operate the other way: I assume competence and good will until I have evidence to the contrary - and I have to say, people generally live up to my expectations. If they don't, we just naturally drift apart soon enough. No guarded stance required.
That is sort of the story unfolding, yes. My husband had not met my boyfriend before I started dating him, but he knew about him through our contact on text/phone and I explicit asked for his permission to date him steady after the initial date of no sex. They also got to know each other online very soon. I have had bad experience bringing in people too late and so I wanted them to "meet" as soon as possible. I have some experience of something that works for me, which might seem controlling to some but I find it brings trust.

I also have experience of things that did not work out so well. I am not neccesarily into full disclosure but being open about the situation. I came into poly through falling love with a man who was in another romantic relationship, it became difficult because he could not accept poly and his gf were really mono - I found out through her, not him. I have also tried dating others. It is not so much that I trust trust people, but I found that the situation made the potentional partners very nervous and unsafe. They see three people and they think cheating, and find openness scary. I find that I have to be the stable force who can teach them what poly is about. There is not really a poly dating pool as such where I live, so explaining poly to potentional partners is a challenge. There are dating sites but they tend to bring out poly as=sexual hookups.

I worked a lot on myself to set lines and boundries that I hoped would help myself and others. Others my find that different strategies work for them to create a sound environment. I have poly friends who prefer more of a solo dating style. But that usually ends up in sex or affairs, not lasting love - in my world. In fact most of my poly friends started poly dating their friends, or at least introduce their love interest at a fairly early state. I don't actually know anybody who seriously date people who don't know each others, even people who date exclusively internationally know each other or want to. It is very possible it could work but I have no experience with it. I agree the situations are very different if you think group vs solo orientation.

What we do have to see to, anyway, is the role of safer sex which is - again to my experience of dating poly in a mostly mono world - often creating a hurdle when at least someone in the chain is going fluent bonded or practicing less safer sex. This especially happens when people date someone who dates another person who dates another person that they don't know and that person does something unsafe (as happend to a friend of mine who discovered that a partner of a partner had been lying about her behaviour and her sexual chain. I guess it goes to show that you should really be sure before contemplating going fluent bonded with someone.
 
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