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Old 07-13-2010, 04:00 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Default Dilemma of the heart, of course

Well, to paraphrase Leonard Cohen, I thought that it would never happen, but love sho' has done called me by my name.

So. Many of you know I date a married poly woman, L, and adore her, but only see her one evening a week. No sleepovers, no full days together.

I was getting pretty lonely on the 6 other days, went on OkCupid, found some woman friends to do a few things with. Recently had coffee with a woman, liked her a lot, she invited me to go camping with her. Did that last week (which is why this is my first post in 10 days). Spent 4 days solo backpacking and then 4 days camping with her.

NRE big time. But behind it is an awfully solid sense of honesty, openness, and -- most important -- a feeling of absolutely being on the same page with her. Someone delightful, smart, loving, and just my type. Emotionally as well as physically. She's attracted to me, and I to her.

But you guessed it: she said that any relationship between us would need to be between the two of us and not her-and-me-and-L. She's not jealous or even very possessive, and she's certainly no uptight bitch -- she's just monogamous. She's said explicitly that being close emotional friends with ex-lovers is wonderful; she has an ex-lover who is one of her best friends. So staying emotionally close to L is not a problem. Having sex with her is.

("Son, you better go home and make up your mind" -- the Lovin' Spoonful, 1966.)

I already talked some to L about it. She's unhappy, but I hope I can make it work for her. After all, the way our V is structured she gets to go to sleep beside someone and wake up with him, and have morning coffee together, and be with him all day -- and I don't have any of that. Not ever. Unless I find someone like this new person. I hope I can make her understand why, and how to proceed as close friends.

So I guess I'm not really asking what I should do. Ya either try for something you think might be special, or ya live with the knowledge that you weren't brave enough when it might have mattered. Probably I'll end up losing both women, but -- hey, I'm alive and trying.

Anyone got any advice or comments, fire away.
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:20 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I wish I had time to respond more. Following your heart based on your own needs is sometimes very difficult. You are a strong man. Take care and I hope you maintain your friendship.
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:37 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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My question to you would be are you willing or able to remain monogamous after the NRE has worn off? If this is a requirement of being in a relationship with this woman that you have met and you aren't going to be able to fufill it long term it may be better to walk away now before you both become more emotionally involved. She's being upfront in letting you know what her needs are and it's important that you honestly look at yourself to see if her needs are something that you can fufill.

-Derby
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Old 07-13-2010, 06:49 AM
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this is a tricky one. hmmm.... you aren't getting what you want out of relationship one, but can have a world more out of relationship two... have a primary, but will not be able to add to that.

I honestly think I would go for it. As long as she knows that eventually you are going to require more and that it could end then if she is not willing to look at that, then why not! After all, it is quite often a good idea to work on a primary relationship first before searching for more anyways.
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Old 07-13-2010, 07:08 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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One question..are you Poly for sure? Maybe one could be "the one"?

I agree with Redpepper, go for it. Regardless what happens you will learn about yourself and relationships
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Old 07-13-2010, 12:10 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Thanks, all.

No, Mono, I'm not poly for sure. I've known for quite a while now that I'm comfortable loving a woman who has other lovers but that it makes me feel disloyal and sneaky to have more than one lover myself. So I'm poly-friendly but I have no personal drive to love many.

Which is a partial answer to Derby's excellent question too, I guess. I've gone on several dates with women other than L in an effort to find friends, and at one time I thought maybe I'd find a lover. But when it came down to it I always felt wrong.

Something else: L and I have always known that we're lifestyle-incompatible. Even if she was single we could never live together, and I wouldn't be on her list of eligible males. But J and I are great: we both like to sleep in the dirt, throw together nutritious stuff and eat it without any thought for cuisine or style; we are hikers by inclination and outdoor people by nature. What made me curious about her in the first place is that she's the only woman I ever met who goes camping alone. And who puts cayenne pepper in her coffee. We match.

So, monogamy once the NRE wears off? The best chance of it I've ever had in my life, that's all! My life is 54 years, incidentally, and J's my age, so cumulatively we have over a century of life experience. During our four days of living together I felt like a happy twelve-year-old with her (exploring a lookout on top of Dutchman Peak) but also like a liberated adult male in the company of an aware and forthright adult female.

But, I rave.

My fantasy: sitting down to dinner with L and her husband D and introducing J to them, and letting her see why I care for those people, why I was L's lover and why I want to remain emotionally close to her. I think that's possible from J's side; I don't know if L will be able to accept meeting her or not. L is pretty upset at the moment. Maybe someday.

I guess my role right now will be to take whatever emotional punches L needs to throw and not punch back. Cohen again: "And if you want to strike me down in anger, here I stand." Sure hope we come out the other side better friends than we went in -- that would be something to strive for with L.

Thanks yet again for your wisdom -- you guys are great.
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