YouAreHere
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Well, it certainly has been an interesting couple months. Lots of self-discovery, not all of it pleasant (at least, not while the process was going on), but I think all good.
Without going into a lot of detail, I finally realized that I'm probably dealing with some mild form of depression. The negative self-talk (sometimes to such an extreme that if it were someone *else* saying this stuff, I'd consider them a raging, abusive asshole!), the lack of any motivation to do anything at all, that feeling of "why bother" when looking around me at all the things I need (or want) to do... it finally clicked that it may not be just me being a horrible lump of a person, but maaaaaaaybe it has some sort of physical component to it as well. Go figure.
So, armed with that idea, I've been trying to work on a two-pronged approach (why yes, I'm a Type A... how did you know?):
The Physical: Get more exercise (failing at this so far, since work has been odd lately and eating into my workout time), look into St. John's Wort for a bit of a physical kick in the butt, watch the alcohol when it's flowing (or realize that when I do have a bit too much that I may feel a bit worse the next day, and that's NORMAL, given that it's a depressant). And also, GTFO of the house, even when I don't feel like it. Being out and about helps the mood immensely.
The Emotional: Let the fuck go of my resentment. It's going to kill me if I don't.
I seem to have this wall up when it comes to Xena. No, we don't really click as BFFs, but I don't really hold that up as a requirement for any of my other friends. It seems out of place and just... harsh.
I finally admitted to myself that I'm still holding on to resentment from the stuff that we all went through early on in the relationship, and it's time to just let the fuck go. I want to stop having to rely on a couple glasses of wine to loosen up around her enough to have a good time when we all hang out. I want to stop thinking the worst of the things she says and does. I feel like a cat that's been hunting a moth for days... when do I finally just walk away?
In vino, veritas, right? Clearly, I can have a good time with her if I let go of all that shit. It's time to just let it go without the added "help".
So, I re-followed her FB feed. She and I have been conversing a bit more regularly. Baby steps. But good steps. I actually feel like I can let this go without holding on to some bits of it like a security blanket. Fingers crossed.
More on the emotional to-do list: continue to do things that have no other purpose other than "I like them." My Monday gaming nights fit right into this category. It's not a "have to do" item. It's not something that works toward a goal, or completes some activity on my checklist. It's fun, it's superfluous, it's a nice way to meet new people, and I absolutely love it. I'm working on making more long-term plans to do things I like as well (concerts? Yes! Dinner with friends? Yes!), so I'm working on making my own happiness a priority. Go figure.
So... overall, that one was the hard realization. Having some idea of what's going on is helping immensely, though. When the negative self-talk starts up (why oh WHY do I have this part of my brain that tries to completely beat up the rest of my self?!), I can at least now think to myself that no, it's just the emotions/chemicals/last night's wine talking, and I'm a perfectly fine person who should probably get the hell out of bed and start her day.
It's a start, right?
Other stuff:
I have reached an "old person" milestone: I am excited about refinancing my house.
Yeah, yeah, I know... I give you all permission to shoot me dead once I start complaining about lumbago and beginning each introduction with, "Who's your doctor?" Still, I went from a 30-year mortgage to a 15-year one, paying less per month. I may be able to retire with a fully-paid-for house! WOOT!
Pokégirl turns 12 in a week. DanceGirl is in high school, and really enjoying it so far. Where the hell did THAT time fly off to? In less than a year, DanceGirl will be learning to drive, and I'm finding that I'm more excited than worried about that. Nice to see that my parents' neuroses didn't transfer to me in THAT respect, at least.
Haven't been posting to the other blog all that much (see aforementioned "not wanting to do shit" feelings), but I think I'll be posting this weekend. I've been mulling over what 'mono' versus 'poly' means to me, and I think that, like sexuality or anything else, it's an identity that may be different for everyone.
I've found myself getting crushy feelings for this one guy at gaming night (yah yah yah, I know, I know). In the past, I pretty much equated the crushy stuff as "not happy in my relationship," given that my relationship with my ex had its ups and downs.
Now? Nope. Chops and I are still good. So NOW what?
After chewing on it on and off, I'm realizing that monogamy, for ME, is more of a partnery, relationshippy type of monogamy. I only have energy for one partner-type of relationship. Could I handle a FWB? Probably. Could I handle a second "relationship" (in a partner-relationship sense)? Oh HELL no. I get squirrely just thinking about it.
Would someone else call that poly? Absolutely. Is it Poly to me? No.
So, that whole dichotomy has been an interesting thing to dip into and mull over. What *is* monogamy? What *is* polyamory? And, at the end of the day, does it really matter, as long as you and the people you care about are on the same page?
I'm a bit of a psych / perception geek, so this type of stuff gets me all wound up anyway. It's fun to chew on, and it'll be good when I finally get something written and out.
Okie doke... I'm getting sleepy. Time for me to cuddle with the kitteh, fuck around online a bit, play a game or two, listen to SiriusXM's CoverTunes channel a bit more (Cake's version of "I Will Survive" followed not long after by Postmodern Jukebox doing "Blank Space"? Yes, please!), and then get the hell to bed.
One last thing, though... I've fallen off the planet a bit for the last month or so, but I've never been all that far from the board. You guys are a great bunch, and even when I haven't asked for it, I can find support and great advice when I least expect it. Thanks for that.
Okay... time for kittehs. Catch you all on the flip side while I listen to Patti Smith's version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit".
Without going into a lot of detail, I finally realized that I'm probably dealing with some mild form of depression. The negative self-talk (sometimes to such an extreme that if it were someone *else* saying this stuff, I'd consider them a raging, abusive asshole!), the lack of any motivation to do anything at all, that feeling of "why bother" when looking around me at all the things I need (or want) to do... it finally clicked that it may not be just me being a horrible lump of a person, but maaaaaaaybe it has some sort of physical component to it as well. Go figure.
So, armed with that idea, I've been trying to work on a two-pronged approach (why yes, I'm a Type A... how did you know?):
The Physical: Get more exercise (failing at this so far, since work has been odd lately and eating into my workout time), look into St. John's Wort for a bit of a physical kick in the butt, watch the alcohol when it's flowing (or realize that when I do have a bit too much that I may feel a bit worse the next day, and that's NORMAL, given that it's a depressant). And also, GTFO of the house, even when I don't feel like it. Being out and about helps the mood immensely.
The Emotional: Let the fuck go of my resentment. It's going to kill me if I don't.
I seem to have this wall up when it comes to Xena. No, we don't really click as BFFs, but I don't really hold that up as a requirement for any of my other friends. It seems out of place and just... harsh.
I finally admitted to myself that I'm still holding on to resentment from the stuff that we all went through early on in the relationship, and it's time to just let the fuck go. I want to stop having to rely on a couple glasses of wine to loosen up around her enough to have a good time when we all hang out. I want to stop thinking the worst of the things she says and does. I feel like a cat that's been hunting a moth for days... when do I finally just walk away?
In vino, veritas, right? Clearly, I can have a good time with her if I let go of all that shit. It's time to just let it go without the added "help".
So, I re-followed her FB feed. She and I have been conversing a bit more regularly. Baby steps. But good steps. I actually feel like I can let this go without holding on to some bits of it like a security blanket. Fingers crossed.
More on the emotional to-do list: continue to do things that have no other purpose other than "I like them." My Monday gaming nights fit right into this category. It's not a "have to do" item. It's not something that works toward a goal, or completes some activity on my checklist. It's fun, it's superfluous, it's a nice way to meet new people, and I absolutely love it. I'm working on making more long-term plans to do things I like as well (concerts? Yes! Dinner with friends? Yes!), so I'm working on making my own happiness a priority. Go figure.
So... overall, that one was the hard realization. Having some idea of what's going on is helping immensely, though. When the negative self-talk starts up (why oh WHY do I have this part of my brain that tries to completely beat up the rest of my self?!), I can at least now think to myself that no, it's just the emotions/chemicals/last night's wine talking, and I'm a perfectly fine person who should probably get the hell out of bed and start her day.
It's a start, right?
Other stuff:
I have reached an "old person" milestone: I am excited about refinancing my house.
Yeah, yeah, I know... I give you all permission to shoot me dead once I start complaining about lumbago and beginning each introduction with, "Who's your doctor?" Still, I went from a 30-year mortgage to a 15-year one, paying less per month. I may be able to retire with a fully-paid-for house! WOOT!
Pokégirl turns 12 in a week. DanceGirl is in high school, and really enjoying it so far. Where the hell did THAT time fly off to? In less than a year, DanceGirl will be learning to drive, and I'm finding that I'm more excited than worried about that. Nice to see that my parents' neuroses didn't transfer to me in THAT respect, at least.
Haven't been posting to the other blog all that much (see aforementioned "not wanting to do shit" feelings), but I think I'll be posting this weekend. I've been mulling over what 'mono' versus 'poly' means to me, and I think that, like sexuality or anything else, it's an identity that may be different for everyone.
I've found myself getting crushy feelings for this one guy at gaming night (yah yah yah, I know, I know). In the past, I pretty much equated the crushy stuff as "not happy in my relationship," given that my relationship with my ex had its ups and downs.
Now? Nope. Chops and I are still good. So NOW what?
After chewing on it on and off, I'm realizing that monogamy, for ME, is more of a partnery, relationshippy type of monogamy. I only have energy for one partner-type of relationship. Could I handle a FWB? Probably. Could I handle a second "relationship" (in a partner-relationship sense)? Oh HELL no. I get squirrely just thinking about it.
Would someone else call that poly? Absolutely. Is it Poly to me? No.
So, that whole dichotomy has been an interesting thing to dip into and mull over. What *is* monogamy? What *is* polyamory? And, at the end of the day, does it really matter, as long as you and the people you care about are on the same page?
I'm a bit of a psych / perception geek, so this type of stuff gets me all wound up anyway. It's fun to chew on, and it'll be good when I finally get something written and out.
Okie doke... I'm getting sleepy. Time for me to cuddle with the kitteh, fuck around online a bit, play a game or two, listen to SiriusXM's CoverTunes channel a bit more (Cake's version of "I Will Survive" followed not long after by Postmodern Jukebox doing "Blank Space"? Yes, please!), and then get the hell to bed.
One last thing, though... I've fallen off the planet a bit for the last month or so, but I've never been all that far from the board. You guys are a great bunch, and even when I haven't asked for it, I can find support and great advice when I least expect it. Thanks for that.
Okay... time for kittehs. Catch you all on the flip side while I listen to Patti Smith's version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit".