hellokitty
New member
Agreed. Thank you. I'm glad to know I'm not crazy.
This is unacceptable. Only YOU and you alone, have a right to control what you do with your body and I am sure I probably said the same thing to you last year. Furthermore, it is absolutely ridiculous and demeaning for her to think she can insist on being involved with anyone else you want to be with. That person has a choice, too - why should she dictate not only your sex life but the sex life of whoever you get involved with as well? Who does she think she is? Do not accept her terms - is she a girlfriend or the boss of you? Come on now, really!Situation now is:
*Gf accepts me having sex with my bf.
*Gf says no interactions with other guys without her being involved. No kissing or having anything go on with this other guy at all.
Seems kinda like she did a trade off like "well if you can have sex with your bf then you can't do anything w any other guys." She didn't say it in those words but I feel she thinks I should compromise because she's "allowing" me to sleep w my bf.
I don't see how you can "LOL" about it. This is some serious shit - she has issues and wants to control you!I don't think it should have ever been a question whether I'd have full control over my sex life w my bf. Totally regret ever giving in to that when it went down but she pretty much gave me an ultimatum . . . It's only been a month and a half since I first kissed the other guy when she said "no more" but it feels like it's been forever, lol.
That was my first thought upon reading this - she is all about her happiness, not yours. You are being manipulated.My gf was by my side through all of this, supporting me, saying he should let me be who I am. Now it makes me question if maybe she was only so supportive bc it benefited her (we liked the same "other" guy at the time.)
Why second-guess yourself? You are seeing the obvious red flags but putting blinders on and telling yourself that because you love her and have some good times with her, that you should put up with her nonsense. Love is not enough for a relationship to be healthy and satisfying! Sometimes the most loving thing we can do, for ourselves and others, is to let someone go. There has to be respect, too. I don't see much respect for who you are coming from her.I don't know. I love her. Besides all the poly stuff, we get along fantastically. There are just a lot of traits with her way of loving and holding onto a relationship that make me want to RUN!
She asked me to give her more credit and confidence that she's working towards giving me what I want, and I'm trying. I'm just scared. I guess I just maybe need more details.
It's hard for me to get so detailed about things because I don't want to hurt anyone or make things uncomfortable or maybe I'm also afraid of hearing things I don't want to.
I know I need to be asking HER these things, but I'm the kind of person that really needs to have all my thoughts laid out first before saying anything. Also I have no idea wtf I'm doing so some clarity or validation would be nice.
I agree but I can also understand if the OP feels unable to develop relationships with other people whilst her partner might object to something she does and end their relationship. I can empathize with that need for some certainty before they take that leap with someone else.She seems like she is basically saying
"Go ahead and date, I'm willing to go there. I will deal with whatever I feel once there. Including whether or not I feel like continuing to participate in this polyship with you -- that's on me. I won't block you. If it works out, ok. If it doesn't, not the end of the world."
That is and has always been her bag to hold. Her willingness to participate initially and her willingness to continue to participate is her decision. Not yours.
She's sounds pretty reasonable and realistic.
And you cannot predict/control every little thing. You yourself recognize that.
So go date who you want, kiss who you want, and before it gets to naked/sex time with the new person, give her the heads up so she's included and respected in the information loop so she can make her own sex health decisions.
Then she can decide if she's still in or if she wants to step off the polyship now. If she wants to step off -- you pause so she can step off with dignity and grace. Then you carry forward with the BF and the new person.
Hard to FEEL maybe. And that seems to be your trouble right now -- handling your own emotional management on this. You seem to be over the hump though. Are you?
At this point it seems pretty straightforward in behavior management so that all people are respected in the transition process.
I'm glad you guys have arrived at some sort of "work in progress agreement."
Galagirl
This DADT thing is hard to manage, especially living together. And tbh I'm starting to think that was never even truly on the table to begin with. Gf made it very clear she didn't wanna argue about this stuff anymore and told me she knows what I need and that I'm going to do what I want... But just as my therapist warned me it's just a cop out to avoid truly dealing w things. Bc then when I DO go & do what I want there's arguments, accusations, passive aggressiveness. Icky drama that makes me feel bad.
I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy.
This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy
HTML:I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy
Oh, boy, do I relate! My husband and I have been having this battle for a year. My current arrangement with my husband is DADT. If someone comes along in my life for whom I grow strong feelings for, I am to tell him "There's someone I want to spend more time with," and we'll work out some guidelines. If it's another woman, he thinks he'll be able to handle it. If it's a man, he says he can't promise he won't freak. Either way, I'm supposed to be discreet in public (small town,) people I are date are not to come around me when he's around (he works a lot so its doable,) and he doesn't want to know who they are, they aren't to interfere in his life in any way.
I have told him that I feel he's setting me up to fail. A casual fling or friends-with-benefits can survive those rules, but how can I expect a loving relationship with someone I have to keep a secret? Of course, my husband wants me to happy, but on the other hand, he doesn't REALLY want me to get serious about anyone else.
So I understand your dilemma. Do you leave this person you love over this one thing? Whose to say you'll be happier dating whoever you want once the person you loved most is gone? So you make compromises, and so do they. But will they ever really be comfortable with this? Will we?
I've decided to stop trying to solve this all at once, otherwise both me and hubby will lose our minds. I'm just going to see how it all evolves, I'm going to be grateful for the love and freedom I've already got, and when the time comes that I need to ask for more, I will.
"I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect."
It's pretty easy, he wants to monopolize you. I know that's how I feel about my own wife. It's really not easy to go from the assumption that your life is monopolized to one where it isn't.
... but I want....
But I want ....(