First sex

Violet77

Member
Read more then two it's really helpful, I feel like I'm more monogomous but I'm with a man who is dating another woman and has sex with whoever he wants, can anyone help mr deal with the pain I feel that he chose her to drop him off and pick him up at the airport and I'm really upset I have to be second. I can't see him until the day after he gets back and I have to have the seconds sex, I really want the first return from vacation sex it's the best
 
I am sorry you struggle.

If you are monogamous, why are you dating a non-mongamous man? :confused: Esp if it causes you pain?

If you are gonna date him, and wanted to be the one to pick him up at the airport and be the first partner he shares sex with after vacation? Did you ask him if you could be that person this time?
If not? Ask him next time time he leaves if you can be that person to pick him up. Because you like that sex best. Be direct. He cannot mind reader you.

But if being in this type of relationship model isn't your cup of tea... maybe it's best to part ways. Don't bend yourself into pretzels trying to fit if it just isn't your thing. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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Hello Violet77,

It hurts to be monogamous when your man is dating someone else. Does he consider you to be second? If not, why did he choose her to pick him up at the airport? That sounds like preferential treatment to me.

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him, ask him why he is treating you second. Do you consent to his seeing another woman, at all? That might be something else to talk about.

Hopefully talking to him will help you deal with the pain.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We don't get respect from others when we don't show respect for ourselves.

So you put boundaries on relationships. You don't just accept the cards you are dealt day by day.

In my case, the wife is the boss. I am more than thrilled to arrange it that way, because I originally thought it was going to be monogamy.

But for any potential third party, they come in knowing they're #2. She would have no expectation of playing the primary role. If she did, it would have to end.

It sure seems you don't have clarity on where you stand, except to say his action has placed you as a #2 whether you like it or not.
 
We don't get respect from others when we don't show respect for ourselves.

So you put boundaries on relationships. You don't just accept the cards you are dealt day by day.

In my case, the wife is the boss. I am more than thrilled to arrange it that way, because I originally thought it was going to be monogamy.

But for any potential third party, they come in knowing they're #2. She would have no expectation of playing the primary role. If she did, it would have to end.

It sure seems you don't have clarity on where you stand, except to say his action has placed you as a #2 whether you like it or not.

While I do, not all polyamorous people practice hierarchy. Just a good thing to keep in mind.
 
Same day sex

Thanks everyone, he was with her for three yrs, with me for eight months, I already knew about her, they first wanted me to be the unicorn but I researched all that stuff and they realized it was not ok how they tried to make me conform to a certain relationship and not let it naturally grow. They got closer because of me they said but then they broke up and now he says I’m not second, claims we’re both the same but I really want him to prioritize me over her at times because I feel he prioritizes her over me a lot, they don’t think so. Any way I’m having a hard time getting over this where she gets to have the fresh sex and I have to wait, I feel like I don’t want to have sex with him at all I’m so angry but I know I will bc I care about him and am really sexually attracted to him. I feel gross or demeaned that he does her first and I hate when he does her the same day he does me if it’s before me. I’m powerless except to break up and I don’t want to. One time he didn’t have sex with her for two days and he was way more all over me and hard really fast so I know the difference, how do people deal with the same day sex and stuff I mentioned ?
 
I replied on the other thread. I see here that you mostly identify as mono. That explains why you are so focused on his other sexual relationship.

Can you get out of this mindset? You are still having the after vacation sex with him, regardless of who else he had it with.

I dated two women in the same city. The first one was a teacher so she went to bed early. That meant that our sex dates were early. The second one was a casino dealer. She got off work late so our dates were at night. Just because I had sex earlier doesn't mean I wasn't fully present for my dates with #2. It also didn't make #2 actually number two. It's just the way it worked out sometimes. I was actually already dating #2 before I started seeing #1. My point is that "order of sex has nothing to do with order of importance.

If this continues to bother you and you can't work it out you may find that poly is not for you.
 
I feel gross or demeaned that he does her first and I hate when he does her the same day he does me if it’s before me.
Put up a boundary and stick with it. "I won't have sex with you if you've already had sex with someone else today. It feels gross to me, so I respect myself enough to not do gross things. If you want two dates on the same day, make me first or else adjust your expectations to just chatting, no sex." Of course this is going to limit your options and you probably get sex less often. But at least you don't deal with feeling demeaned.

Oh wait. But if he doesn't tell you, maybe you don't even know that he's had sex.
So maybe it's a "just don't tell me, it puts me off" boundary. Would that be a solution to your problem, or not? Think about it.

The real path for you is eventually to understand what else you want from relationships other then sex and live according to those standards (not that there's anything wrong with sex, it's just not all there is). But you're not there yet. It's ok to be where you are.
 
You seem fixated on "I have to have sex with him first." To me, that definitely seems to be a monogamous mindset.

While I can understand not wanting to have sex with him the same day he's had sex with someone else, I don't really understand why it makes a difference who he has sex with first after his vacation. He's still back from vacation, he's still having sex with you. Why do you feel the need to be *first*?

Referring to it as "fresh sex," and saying you feel "gross" and "demeaned" if he has sex with her before you, to me, implies that you think sex is somehow dirty or tainted if you aren't the first one--or maybe if you aren't the *only* one--he has it with. If he was monogamous with you but had had other sexual partners before you, would you feel the same way? Sex isn't inherently dirty or tainted regardless of how many people one has had it with, but it seems that you feel having multiple partners in the same time span does taint it somehow, so I'm genuinely curious about your thoughts on sex and having multiple partners over the course of one's life. (You don't have to answer that; my curiosity doesn't obligate you to respond. But it might be something for you to think about.)

If you intend to continue in this relationship... Well, first of all, if you feel so negatively about the idea of him having sex with his other partner before you, I don't understand why you would want to continue in this relationship in the first place. Nothing is going to change. He is still going to have another partner, he is still sometimes going to have sex with her before he has sex with you, whether that's a day before or an hour before. You're still going to feel like sex with him is tainted if he's had it with another partner. So why stay?

But if you do intend to continue, the only advice I can offer is what Tinwen said. Tell him you aren't okay with him having sex with you on the same day he's had sex with someone else. That might mean that on some of the days you see him, you don't have sex with him at all; it's up to you whether it feels worse to have sex with him on the same day as his other partner, or to not have sex with him at all. You can't--and seem to understand that you can't--control what he does and when he does it with his other partner; you only have control over what he does and when with you. So set boundaries around that if you feel the need to.

Honestly, though, my advice is to either work on changing your thinking about it being somehow "less than" sex if he's been with his other partner, or leave the relationship.
 
Thanks everyone,

He was with her for three yrs, with me for eight months. I already knew about her. They first wanted me to be the unicorn, but I researched all that stuff, and they realized it was not ok how they tried to make me conform to a certain relationship, and not let it naturally grow.

They got closer, because of me, they said, but then they broke up. And now he says I’m not second, claims we’re both the same...

If they "got closer because of you," but then "broke up," why did they break up? And if they broke up why is he still seeing her at all, never mind "putting her before you?" I'm very confused.

... but I really want him to prioritize me over her at times, because I feel he prioritizes her over me a lot. [But] they don’t think so.

Anyway, I’m having a hard time getting over this, where she gets to have the fresh sex, and I have to wait. I feel like I don’t want to have sex with him at all, I’m so angry, but I know I will, because I care about him and am really sexually attracted to him.

I feel gross or demeaned that he does her first, and I hate when he does her the same day he does me, if it’s before me. I’m powerless except to break up, and I don’t want to. One time he didn’t have sex with her for two days and he was way more all over me, and [got] hard really fast, so I know the difference. How do people deal with the same day sex, and stuff I mentioned?

I think others missed this part. She seems to think it's dirty or demeaning to be the second one he bestows sex on in one day, AND it's the quality of sex she's quite upset about. The bf isn't as excited, passionate, motivated, when it's his second sex session of the day...

I feel it's understandable to be somewhat upset to know that he's used up a lot of his sexual energy earlier in the day with someone else, and she only gets a half-assed fucking. Combine that with the ick factor of him having been inside someone else just hours before... it sounds like an uncomfortable situation.

I still don't understand why he's still seeing the other woman though, if they'd gotten "closer" with the new woman in their lives, but then broke up anyway.

I think there needs to be some open, respectful communication around needs being met. It doesn't have to be a comparison, like "She gets the 'good fresh' sex and I get some blah sex." It can be, "I am not satisfied with our sex life. I know you only have X sexual energy to give in one day. I want to fuck you when you're really in the mood and turned on."

I think any poly person should do their best to sexually satisfy both their lovers (or all of them), if sex is part of their relationship. I don't think a poly person should use up most of their sexual energy on one lover, and consistently bring the other one just the scraps. He needs to pace himself to satisfy both women.
 
Another perspective is this:

You know with this guy that he has another partner that he sees the same day as you and that means your need for "fresh sex" goes unmet. Rather than thinking of this as a need HE has to meet, instead think of it as a need YOU have to meet. This might mean finding an additional partner who has a setup where "fresh sex" is more available to you.
 
If all of these things bother you why are you dating a poly man to begin with. There are lots of monogamous men oit there to date.
 
they broke up and now he says I’m not second, claims we’re both the same but I really want him to prioritize me over her at times because I feel he prioritizes her over me a lot,

I got dizzy too, like Magdlyn.

The part about going from #1 to breaking up to then being back together as a co-equal, sort of...

That is a lot of ground to cover, all over the map, and obviously still up in the air. Anyone would be anxious in such an unstable situation.
 
Response, thanks for your help everyone!

They got closer when he started seeing me, he was about to break up with me, he told her he would but he didn’t, he kept seeing me, mostly for sex behind her back and I knew it and went along because I recently broke up with a fifteen yr mono relationship and was not ready for a relationship but wanting to have sex and fun. She could tell he was still seeing me even tho he lied to her so she broke up with him, he started being extra nice to me for a while and the sex was better I could tell the difference when he stopped having sex with her for a couple days here and there. Now they aren’t in a serious relationship but still see each other, like what him and I do. I’m trying to be ok with poly because I don’t want to be with only one person all the time and I really care about him now and he treats me with a lot more respect now and makes more time for me and tries to do what I want at times. Now he wants us to commit to five yrs together and I have never done that I always just see what happens with no plan and it’s weird to me to commit to an amount of time when we don’t have a relationship commitment beyond committing to see each other again each time we say goodbye, and taking care of each other when we can
 
Thank you for more info.

Honestly? He sounds like a cheater. :(

  • He's dating you. Yet they get closer. (Does that mean he cheated on you with her?)
  • He tells her he will dump you, but he really doesn't.
  • He wants to see you for sex behind her back and you go along with that. (Why? Could that be the source of you feeling demeaned? I get wanting casual, but why not do casual with an honest person? Rather than this?)
  • She dumped him for being a liar. But then takes him back.

To me it sounds like he's not gonna change his ways much. You both keep putting up with really poor behavior and still keep taking him back. So even if it causes you upset... why would he change any? He's got access to both. :(

There's also a personality type who LIKES this sort of thing. When they have two people "fighting" over him. It's an ego boost.

Is he that type? He likes "pitting" you against her so really he ends up getting most of the receiving? Each of you keeps giving and giving trying to "win" him over and get him to "prove" he loves that person best when really he's happy how it is because then he gets LOTS?

I’m trying to be ok with poly because I don’t want to be with only one person all the time

Could let this go and start over with honest, ethical poly from the beginning with new dating partners then.

I really care about him now and he treats me with a lot more respect now and makes more time for me and tries to do what I want at times. Now he wants us to commit to five yrs together.

I'm concerned he's using your soft feelings for him to take advantage. :(

Is he being "nice and respectful" because he wants something new now? Like only being "nice" just to get you on the hook for 5 years? What for? What's he get out of that?

I have never done that. I always just see what happens with no plan and it’s weird to me to commit beyond committing to see each other again each time we say goodbye, and taking care of each other when we can

Then say "No, thanks. No long term 5 year commitment."

Could speak up for yourself more.

Galagirl
 
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... he kept seeing me, mostly for sex behind her back and I knew it and went along ....She could tell he was still seeing me even tho he lied to her .......I’m trying to be ok with poly .....taking care of each other when we can

This isn't poly and you're not taking care of each other. It sounds like most high school relationships or how people conduct themselves when they are still learning who they are. It's not polyamory, however you slice it.
 
He tells us both he didn't want us to compete against each other, he arranges times for us to all sit down together and talk about our feelings. He claims to do that in Hope's that we each wont feel less or like we aren't enough for him when he is with the other. He says he wants to have a relationship with all three if us so her and I can support each other. We have had three way sex like 5 times and that was good, I am more hetero then homosexual so I don't want three way relationship but am ok with getting along and having sex all together to change things up. Yes he was cheating on her, now that we've been together for a while he is being really sweet and trying to open up more time for us. At first it was just about having a three way. Can anyone explain to me what the theory is behind it being ok to sleep with and love with multiple people? Also how to feel ok with it if your not used to it and you love someone who will never be mono
 
He tells us both he didn't want us to compete against each other, he arranges times for us to all sit down together and talk about our feelings. He claims to do that in Hope's that we each wont feel less or like we aren't enough for him when he is with the other.

And does this do anything to improve things? Or not?

He says he wants to have a relationship with all three of us so her and I can support each other.

That is what HE wants.

Do you feel like supporting her? Does she feel like supporting you? Cuz you could both dump him and be friends and support each other. He doesn't have to be in the mix at all. Why is he so bent on "orchestrating" everything? Like he does all the arranging and it goes "through" him?

You sound like you want monogamy. But you keep doing stuff with this guy that sounds kinda hinky because you love him. Then you feel yucky and wonder why you feel bad. :(

When you do behavior you cannot feel proud of, you cannot hold yourself in high regard or high esteem.

You cannot love someone more than you love you. You can love them a lot. Even 49% of your love. But you leave 51% for loving YOU. So you can say "No. I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me." Are you able to do that? You sound like you hurt here, but keep on doing it. :(

We have had three way sex like 5 times and that was good, I am more hetero then homosexual so I don't want three way relationship but am ok with getting along and having sex all together to change things up.

He's cheated on her with you. And possibly cheated on you with her. This is not a healthy sounding dynamic. Why have threesomes with them? That complicates rather than simplifies things.

It's almost like you want to "seem cool" with all this and thus "win him over" when really you are not all that happy here. :(

Yes he was cheating on her, now that we've been together for a while he is being really sweet and trying to open up more time for us.

Are YOU getting the time, care, and attention you need here? If not? Walk away. If he doesn't have the time to maintain two partners, he doesn't have it.

Don't settle for "scraps."

At first it was just about having a three way.

Why would you want to share sex with a woman he was cheating on and you were the cheating partner he was doing that with?

Can anyone explain to me what the theory is behind it being ok to sleep with and love with multiple people?

Ethical polyamory means all participants are aware and consent to practicing that model. This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like "poly" is supposed to be the "solution" to him cheating/leading both of you on. And he wants to keep access to both of you. So kinda like he's trying to talk you guys into a poly V.

You can learn more about poly here

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
https://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Also how to feel ok with it if your not used to it and you love someone who will never be mono.

Do you prefer mono?

I'm concerned you are bending yourself into pretzels just to be with this guy and get his attention when it doesn't sound all that good or healthy here. You've gotten yourself into cheating, some kind of "competition" thing with her, and feel demeaned/used. :(

Now the new pretzel is him wanting you to commit for 5 years (Why 5? Why bother to commit?) and him wanting you to be ok doing poly when you sound like you prefer mono. And him wanting you to be ok doing threesomes with him and her. And him wanting you to "support her" and her you.

I think it is possible you ARE being demeaned and used. Not you "feel" used, but actually ARE being treated poorly. :(

He sounds like he's using you both.

If what you want is mono? Then accept you aren't getting that here.

Painful as break ups are to do... eventually one heals and the passing of time will fade the love feelings away.

Then you can move on to love someone who shares your values more and is more compatible. Where you don't have to "compete" and don't have to feel demeaned. If you like and want to do poly? Do it with non-cheating people who are more compatible. If you prefer monogamy? Do that with non-cheating people who are more compatible.

This situation is NOT ethical polyamory. It's him trying to whitewash his cheating with the poly brush and sucking you both in. I could be wrong, but that's how it sounds. :(

Galagirl
 
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He tells us both he didn't want us to compete against each other, he arranges times for us to all sit down together and talk about our feelings. He claims to do that in Hope's that we each wont feel less or like we aren't enough for him when he is with the other. He says he wants to have a relationship with all three if us so her and I can support each other. We have had three way sex like 5 times and that was good, I am more hetero then homosexual so I don't want three way relationship but am ok with getting along and having sex all together to change things up. Yes he was cheating on her, now that we've been together for a while he is being really sweet and trying to open up more time for us. At first it was just about having a three way. Can anyone explain to me what the theory is behind it being ok to sleep with and love with multiple people? Also how to feel ok with it if your not used to it and you love someone who will never be mono

In this relationship, you aren't being your "best" self. You are helping someone cheat. Full stop. Also, you are being cheated ON. This guy has you both manipulated so bad it's not even funny.

Stop the insanity. Break it off. Spend some time working on yourself, then find someone with some integrity.
 
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