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  #791  
Old 09-29-2015, 08:02 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evie View Post
Ask to meet their trainer.

Or current/previous submissives.

i.e. get references the same way you would if you were looking for a tenant or employee.
I have been in this lifestyle for 30+ years. I've never had a "trainer", nor have I met many Doms who have.

While it is possible to get references sometimes, keep in mind that not all subs want to discuss such things with strangers; not all relationships end well. Personally, I don't keep in touch with many of my former subs. I know one would try to sabotage any relationship I am in. I think my current sub is the only one who would be comfortable with giving me a reference. My first wife says I was a great guy, but I doubt she would want to tell some strange woman she was submissive to me.

I'm not saying this was a wrong answer, just that it shouldn't be a deal-breaker.
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  #792  
Old 09-29-2015, 09:44 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Vinsanity, as far as the conversation I was having with the Dom on OKC, new in both senses. He's had previous subs who are completely new to BDSM, though my question to him was more about how he starts off with subs who are new to him. He does know I'm new to exploring; I told him that in the first message I sent.

When I was on FetLife previously, I had trouble finding the groups... Part of it was not being able to figure out the navigation, part was the color. I can't look at web pages that are dark background with light font for more than a minute or two without getting a migraine. But someone told me Fet has the option to change the color scheme, so I can try that. Hopefully that's less challenging.

I found one area munch on Meetup, I think, but it's an hour away, which is farther than I'm comfortable traveling. I'm hesitant to go to munches without striking up a conversation beforehand with at least one or two other people who'll be there, though. Social anxiety; I'm not at all comfortable walking into a group of total strangers no matter what the setting.

The Dom I spoke with on OKC did as you're saying. Spoke to me like an equal, asked general questions about me, and asked my limits. I don't know whether he'll contact me again, though. I tend to assume people who've messaged with me on sites like that won't contact me again even when it is left at "we'll talk more later." And I don't know whether I should contact him again since I was the last one to speak--well, type--in the previous conversation. So his legitimacy etc. might be a moot point anyway.

Did I mention awkward social skills? Yes, I'm probably overthinking, but this is the kind of thing that, to me, is as difficult as carrying on a conversation in German would be. (I know two sentences in German, and one is "I don't speak German.") Which probably has a lot to do with why I usually don't get more than 2-3 messages a week on OKC, and seldom get responses to any of the messages I send. The awkwardness is probably highly evident in my profile and messages.
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  #793  
Old 09-29-2015, 11:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re:
Quote:
"I can't look at web pages that are dark background with light font for more than a minute or two without getting a migraine. But someone told me Fet has the option to change the color scheme, so I can try that."
I don't know if Fet itself has that option, but your browser probably does. I'm using Windows Internet Explorer 9, and the trick seems to be accessing settings for the disabled. I have a Tools menu, I click on that, then on Internet options, then on Accessibility. From there, clicking the "Ignore colors specified on webpages" box does the job.

Fet has a search box; I can type anything I want into the box and hit Enter. The search results are arranged by categories; you can pick a category by clicking on a tab. There's a "people tab," click there and people are listed who are in some way linked to what was entered in the search box.

Searching for "Dom" would yield an enormous amount of results, so reduce that by adding your city to the search. Even that might not be enough, you might have to think of other ways to narrow the search down to fit your situation/preferences.

Can't help you with the social awkwardness though ...
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  #794  
Old 09-30-2015, 04:22 AM
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KC...I can't help you with the social awkwardness either. I am probably as bad as you. I find that alcohol makes for a great social lubricant

I know what you mean about FL not being all that user friendly. I didn't use the site for about a year after I set up a profile.,,lol.

Being part of the "community" can be daunting. I have never really been into that. It definitely isn't a requirement to have safe and sane times. I have always had luck finding subs without resorting to that. However, Sprite is into that and she and I will be attending events in the future.

I understand that you tend to overthink things a little. I hope it doesn't hinder you from exploring this part of yourself.
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  #795  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:03 AM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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So I'm now almost 3 months into the change in my relationship with Sam from friends with benefits to a Dominant/submissive relationship. Overall, it's going really well, we click well with each other this way. Last week I told him I'd like a date soon where I sit at his feet while he plays with my hair. We had a date tonight and after we watched a movie, he set up a pillow on the ground for me to sit on while I was in the bathroom and he played with my hair for a half an hour or so while he watched a show he likes. It was so relaxing to me and it made me happy he remembered what I said last week and made sure to give me what I needed. It was hard to tell him I needed that, so it builds another level of trust for him to make sure to follow through for me.

The only thing that isn't working is the title Master for me, except during sex. He asked me why I didn't think it was working and the only answer I could figure out was that it strikes me as pretty formal and our relationship isn't really all that formal, in terms of D/s outside the bedroom (which is probably why it doesn't bother me during sex). Any suggestions for a bit less formal title for my Dom? He'd love the title Daddy, but I have issues with that due to my father. I know I asked for help on this before but I wanted to ask again now that I have more of a general idea at least of what I want and need

Thanks!
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  #796  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:35 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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@KC43

I haven't read the other responses, so I'm probably repeating things that have already been said, but I thought I'd throw my two cents in anyway. The safest way to find a dominant partner is to actually spend some time in the kink social scene, make friends, and find out who's respected and trusted and who's not.

Fetlife is a social networking site like Facebook, not a dating site like OKC, so it's actually perfect for this approach. Make a profile, find social and educational events near you, and start attending. Be open about your interests and what you're looking for, but make it clear that you're not looking to jump into anyone's arms until you've had a chance to scope out the scene for a while. Maybe go to a play party or two and engage in light, casual pickup play (i.e. picking up a partner at the party, ONLY engaging in activities with them at the party, where there are monitors around to help ensure everyone's safety, and making it clear that there's no expectation for future involvement).

Once you feel comfortable on a friend-level with some people, and have met or played with someone who interests you as a dominant, ask your new friends and casual play partners whether they know the person, or if they know other people who do. If the other person is so new that they have zero connections to others, then leave them alone for now. But if the person has been around for a little while, you should be able to find others who will either vouch for them or warn you away.

If that all sounds a bit more involved than regular dating, it is, and it should be. You're potentially putting your emotional, physical, and/or mental well-being in someone else's hands in a pretty deep way! You really want to get some references of character first.
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  #797  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:36 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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@Hannah

How about Mister?
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  #798  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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We only dabbled, but I like calling Lotus "Boss-Lady" (or "Boss-Lady-Ma'am" if I was feeling ornery) - she was most "Pretty Lady" other times (which is what MrS calls her when he is missing her). I am in no way, shape or form a "lady" - so there was this element of her "training" me that my "little" appreciated.

Maybe adding an endearment or qualifier would make it seem less "formal"? Or adding an honorific?

Boss-Man ("Sir-Boss-Man" if ornery)("Lover-Boss-Man" if affectionate)
Handsome-Dude
Sweet-Mister/Master
Gentle-Sir
MY-Prince
Sir-Sexy
etc.
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #799  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:52 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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@KC

I went back and read your later comment above and saw the bit about social anxiety. Do you have a good friend who might be willing to go to munches with you the first few times? The friend doesn't need to actually be kinky to attend a social event. Maybe your husband would even be willing to do it? You could promise not to flirt while he's present, just to socialize, if that would make him more comfortable.

One more thought -- if you've been wanting a dominant partner for some time, your first real D/s relationship may well make you experience an unprecedented level of NRE. Let yourself enjoy it, but be careful to reserve a small, rational spot in your mind that remembers that it's just NRE, to help ensure that you're acting wisely and seeing clearly. Consider your new dominant partner to be "on probation" in your mind for at least the first month or so... give them time to show their true colors. Even with references, a person may not be mature enough or considerate enough to truly be a great choice.
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  #800  
Old 09-30-2015, 12:09 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
@Hannah

How about Mister?
I remember you saying you called your D/s partner that, Annabel, but something about it doesn't work for me. Maybe I associate it with school, since that's the only place I used it. Growing up Mormon, any adult was Sister Smith or Brother Jones.
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