Starting my poly life

A few of Seamus's friends now know. Well, three of them.

The first one game him a high five, the second one said "good for you", and both were pretty much "meh" about the whole thing, in that they don't seem to be very curious or interested, they just take it for what it is. They both have known for a while that we're polyamorous even though neither of us had other partners, so I think they expected it to happen at some point.

The third one, the one who took Seamus's keys away when he was drunk and had him sleep on his couch, was a little bit different. Seamus told him he was going to catch a movie with the first two friends + Kay, and the friend said "Oh, right, we still need to talk about that".
What he meant is that he told Seamus on the day he was drunk "when you're sober, we'll talk about what you want me to do in cases like this, but right now I'm not letting you make that decision", meaning the decision to go home with Kay.
So Seamus told him "you don't need to worry about it anymore, because Kay and I already made the decision". His friend immediately worried about me, asking if it was over with me. Seamus said "Noooo." and then added that I was "fine with it". He regretted his choice of words afterwards (saying "fine with it", we both feel, makes it sound like it's not something we decided together, but something imposed by the other that we suffer through. It doesn't convey that I prefer him being with Kay rather than not). But he was in a hurry and it was a simple way to say it at the time.

Seamus says it was a little bit awkward to go to the movies with Kay and the two friends who know about them. He didn't say more so I don't know if they were obvious about it (holding hands, kissing) or not at all. I think he would have told me if they did so I assume they were mostly friendly.
He didn't go back to her place, first because he was exhausted, but also because he wants to make sure she doesn't think he's using him, so he doesn't want to have sex every time they go out together. He wants to make it clear that they're still friends as well, among other things.

Oh, and every one who knows was told after Kay's approval, and they're Seamus's close friends. It seems she's more worried about their mutual friends/acquaintances who are closer to her, not to him. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if the PDAs were limited due to her still wanting the relationship to be low key.
 
The third one, the one who took Seamus's keys away when he was drunk and had him sleep on his couch, was a little bit different. Seamus told him he was going to catch a movie with the first two friends + Kay, and the friend said "Oh, right, we still need to talk about that".

Maybe you should talk to this friend. Thank him for looking out for the both of you and then explain your view on the situation. Just a though.
 
Maybe you should talk to this friend. Thank him for looking out for the both of you and then explain your view on the situation. Just a though.

I was thinking about it. He's a really good friend, but I only know him through Seamus and so I interacted with him when I was in California with them, but now that I'm in France...
I guess I'll see if I can get a hold on him through some IM program or facebook or something, and thank him and let him know it's fine.

Thanks for the suggestion.
 
I can't remember if I talked about it in this thread yet or not, but I developed a crush on a coworker of Seamus's.
That was while I was still in the US. He's made it clear that while he doesn't forbid anything, he's uncomfortable with the idea of me dating a coworker of his and the repercussions it could have, especially since Seamus is kind of his supervisor so there is some hierarchy getting in the mix too.
I can't imagine that T, the coworker, would be comfortable considering he knows me as his coworker's girlfriend, even though I would say we are on friendly terms.

Well, that was for the backstory. The real content of this update is that since moving back to France again, I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm becoming obsessed with him. Seanmus asked if I was in love with T, and I said I'm not sure, I feel like I need to see him in person again to know if it was just loneliness and missing him that made me feel much stronger emotions, or if I do feel that strongly for him.
I won't see him again for months, which is sad as I'm worried our connection, already small, will just fade away, but also probably good for the same reasons, since the whole thing seems like a bad idea to begin with.

I don't want to meet someone in France as it would be too hard for me to say goodbye when I move to the US, and I know I would get attached because that's the way I am. I can't think of something else (other than meeting people) that could help me get my mind off of him.
I know my feelings aren't in reaction to Seamus getting closer to K as they started before then, although I can't deny that I've been thinking of double dates and things like that, which I realise are toxic thoughts.

I would like to move on and resume a friendship with T, as when I go back I will resume our habit of playing games a few nights a week and I don't want to make it awkward or more difficult than it has to be. Yet I also grasp at those feelings and don't want them to fade away. I dream of T very regularly, and we usually end up together, or very close to (although no sex happens. Hugs and kisses or just a feeling of closeness and intimacy even without contact).
I want to remind myself that these are dreams but when I wake up I can't help but wish it was the truth.

I feel like I have a thing for getting interested in people I can't possibly date. Seamus didn't create a "no coworkers" boundary in response to my liking T, it was there all along, and I should have known better, and I feel angry with myself for letting it happen.

Seamus is conflicted, he re-iterated that the situation would be very uncomfortable for him and T, but he seems to push me to talk to him more, send him emails, etc, and that leaves me confused as I feel like he's supporting me pursuing him, even though I know he would prefer we didn't end up together.

Sometimes I wonder if I should hit on him so he'd reject me and I can be done with it, but that would make it awkward for everyone involved, too.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Oh, I thought I could give an update about my previous interest/friend. He is mono and from the start we knew it was a "in the meantime" thing for him. Well he now has a girlfriend, and I've known he liked her for six months so it didn't come as a surprise at all when it finally happened.
Since not much had happened between us in a while, it was neither hurtful nor hard to get over. We're still close friends.
 
Seamus had to go to the hospital for an abscess. It's far from the first time, but this time I'm in France, away and powerless. Being next to him in the hospital always made me feel so serene, like whatever happened, I was doing everything I could, and I was going to be there for him either way.
I'm not there for him today. I'm in a small apartment in France worrying, not knowing any details, unable to be kept up to date.
Last time he spent a while in there. I hope this time he can go home tomorrow or in a couple of days.

He said he'd send me an email if he had the opportunity, but I realise he is unlikely to have it, and he'll probably need a lot of rest. I worry, and I feel like somehow I'm failing him by being here and not by his side.
 
Some news on the divorce front. Not much though.

First, because Raga had said back on the beginning of June that he had asked for a birth certificate on his side, I sent him an email to check on that. My lawyer had made a request as well so we didn't need it, but I figured I'd give him another chance to do something to help rather than make things more complicated.
He replied that he didn't trust me to send the engagement ring back (can't remember if I mentioned it. We left it behind in France, I asked my parents to send it back, they never did, we assumed it was lost. When I got back to France, since it's a family heirloom and important to my in-laws, I tried to check if it still existed and managed to get it back).
So basically he said he'd send me the birth certificate, but only if I sent the ring back, or gave it to a third party we both trusted.

Since I didn't actually need the birth certificate from him, I got annoyed by that attempt at blackmailing me, and the whole "I don't trust you" part was even worse. So I replied with an annoyed email, and we had a few exchanges when we settled some things from our relationship and the breakup itself. I was happy to make things clearer.
Didn't accomplish anything about the divorce, though.

I looked at an escrow place that might be able to take the ring. They haven't gotten back to me with a price for keeping it yet. Hopefully it's not too much because at this rate we'll have to pay for years.

As far as our second request for the birth certificate goes, we got the reply, a negative one, as I feared. But the lawyer has assured me that there is precedent for using the refusal to give us a birth certificate instead of using a birth certificate, so that should be fine. She told me I should ask Raga to give me a written permission to ask for the birth certificate, for which I have to laugh since I asked back in May and probably a couple of times since. It would have taken him a few minutes to write it, and possibly a bit longer to access a scanner and scan it, but still it would have been little trouble and he never did it. I don't expect he'd be any faster now if I asked for the nth time, especially since we have the official rejection letter now that we can use.

I just wish it hadn't taken so long, this whole thing started in May (for the French divorce, that is. It started in May 2010 for the Canadian one) and we have made no progress so far. When they refused us the first time because we sent the wrong form, I wish they had taken a quick look and seen that they would have said no anyways. Would have saved us another 4-5 weeks.

Anyway, I'll be seeing the lawyer again soon, and I guess we'll talk about the next steps to take.
 
Thought I'd share some news.

The lawyer decided to send a letter to Raga so that there was proof that he knew about the divorce, etc. This way he would either send a birth certificate (which is what she asks in the letter) or there would be proof that he refused to do so, allowing us to bypass needing one more easily.

She did that back in September, and I'm currently in the US again (from October to January). She hasn't had a response so he seems he's going to ignore it. I haven't had news from him on my end of things either. I did send a written request to know if the divorce had been filed yet in Canada, which Raga said he did in December 2011, almost a year ago. Got a written statement that as of September 2012, nothing had been received. When I called in January, they told me they were already processing the December stuff, so I don't believe it's on a pile waiting still. I asked him about it back in September but didn't get a reply.

On to non-divorce stuff. Seamus's tentative GF said she wanted a relationship, but she wanted to be exclusive with him. As in, she expected him to leave me and be with just her. He told her that wasn't going to happen, since even if he was to break up with me (which he had no intention of doing) he would still be polyamorous and against the idea of being exclusive with her.

She seems to still be interested in him, but hoping he'll change his mind or something. They haven't gone on a date in months. She's very friendly to me despite having asked my boyfriend to dump me, which is weird. I like her fine, but as long as she wants something exclusive, it's just not going to happen, which is a shame.

On my side of things, There is that guy I've liked for a while, which I'll call T here (I can't remember what initial I've used for him, but he's the same that I might have mentioned in the past 6 months or so). Since being back in the US I've spent a lot of time around him, I see him 3 or 4 times a week, pretty much never alone, though.
Every so often, we just say hi and bye, but most days we spend a couple of hours together, playing games and the like, usually with Seamus, often with one or two other people.

About three weeks ago I asked him in private if he would like hanging out with me one on one, and he said "sure". I didn't plan anything at the time though, and since then haven't really had any free time to plan anything. A week later, so two weeks ago, I told him I liked him. He said I was making him uncomfortable, so I backed off.
Since then, he's been friendlier than ever, which confuses me. I don't know if he's interested but wants to slow down, or just uncomfortable with polyamory, or recently Seamus has been thinking that maybe he just doesn't really get it or something.

I see him often, I like him a lot, a he's super friendly and nice to me, so I'm happy about that. I'm just sometimes a bit... frustrated, I guess, that I don't know where I'm standing. But I also know that I have a tendency to go too fast and scare guys off, so I'm trying to keep it slow. If he's open to nonmonogamy, it shouldn't matter too much if he meets someone else in the meantime.

Sadly, since I'm leaving in January, I feel a bit pressured. I hate the idea that I'd finally manage to ask him out and then have to go straight away. But I guess we shall see. Plus right now it seems that we're just friends.

Anyway, that's what's new here.
 
A short update: I wanted to get some clarifications from T to really understand where I stood so I brought up the subject.
I started ¨about that time...¨ and he immediately told me ¨I'm not into polyamory.¨
I was actually surprised that he guessed exactly where I was going there. But that was a clear, straight answer and now I'm set for good.

It's definitely a shame as I really like him, but I'm hoping our friendship will survive the whole thing. He's been mature and respectful the whole time so I'm hopeful.

I'm mostly having trouble really realusing that's it's done, it's dealt with and I can move on now.

On some level I feel silly and embarrassed, but Seamus thinks I handled the situation well.
Now to get ready for Thanksgiving (he's invited).
 
Okay, going back to the divorce.

I was holding back on updates because, really, not much was happening. Summary since October last year:

- October 2012: my lawyer sends an official notice to Raga's parents (his only known address) that we need his birth certificate. To my insistence, she adds a not that I plan on returning the engagement ring when I receive the birth certificate (even though she keeps pointing out that it's now my property and not theirs).
- November 2012: we get the proof of receipt, but no answer.
- December 2012: I am too tired of this whole ring thing. I never wanted it to become a bargaining chip, it was just supposed to be a symbolic mark that we were divorced (he gives it to me when he proposes, I return it when we're divorced). But it lead to too much hatred. I return it.
- January 2013: the ring is received. I'm back in France and meet with my lawyer. She decides to try submitting the paperwork to the judge without a birth certificate of his, since he won't give us one.
- February 2013: I send Raga emails to ask once again for the birth certificate. I then call his parents. He tells me he will ask for one. Later in the month, he tells me he obtained it and will send it in the next couple of days (also, he shares the sad news of our cat's death :( I post on Facebook and several people comment that Raga told them several days earlier than he told me, which annoys me since he was my cat too. This isn't relevant to the divorce, but is still important obviously. RIP Lumpy).
- March 2013: no news from either the lawyer nor Raga. I contact the lawyer to know if she's heard from the judge. No response. I contact another lawyer as a "backup" but decide to hold on and see if the first one gets back to me.
- April 2013: I contact my lawyer again, asking her if she has dropped the case. She assures me she hasn't. She says we should have a court date soon.
I send emails to Raga to hear back about the birth certificate, that I still haven't received. I get no response.

Which brings us to today. Finally, after a few weeks, the lawyer contacts me again. She has talked to the judge. They both believe that it will be impossible for me to divorce (ever) without his birth certificate. Considering I asked for it in my name twice, and the lawyer asked in her name once, and all three were rejected, there isn't much we can do.
I am going to contact Raga's parents again and see if there is anything they can do. If they can't, I honestly don't know what to do.

I don't consider France to be my country. I stopped talking to my parents for being controlling and trying to break me and Raga up. I may have had some contact with my father since (went to see him for a couple of days when my mother broke up with him. Two years later, went to his place for a couple of days because he was moving and about to throw away childhood stuff of mine.) but I'm not ready to have an actual relationship with my father and my mother even less. I only got into contact in the first place because my father had been dumped and I figured he needed support, and also used the opportunity to get the ring back.
My real friends and family are all over the world, but mostly in the US. A job is waiting for me in the US while I haven't been able to find one in France. I can't get full welfare in France because I'm married and it's assumed my spouse is giving me money. I can't marry my fiancé of several years, I can't move to the US.

My love life, my family and friends, my career, everything seems to be on hold while I'm married. And now I'm told this might be forever. I have no idea what to do. I don't know. I have no solution at all to any of it. I can't make him want to divorce. I don't understand why he doesn't want to, though. It's not like he gains anything by being married to me. It probably gets in the way of his relationships, too, since he's come out as mono a few months after we broke up, and decided he would never date a poly person again. Well, mono people are less likely to date a married man who refuses to divorce, aren't they?

I'm so frustrated. I'm trying to keep sane with my translations, but I am terrified. I'm terrified that Seamus will finally decide he's had enough, break up with me and date someone who isn't away 9 months out of the year. I'm terrified I'll lose the only thing I have left at this point.

I wish I could go back to the day I decided to marry him so he could stay in France, and tell myself "don't do it. Let him be kicked out of the country. You think he's a nice guy, but you won't get to see him for who he is for several more years. Believe me, he's not worth all the sacrifices you're going to make both by marrying him and by breaking up with him".

I just wish he could meet someone and want to marry her. Then he'd be willing to divorce, and he would be happy so he wouldn't care about the rest. If I could conjure the perfect woman for him and send her his way, I would have done it years ago.

This is so frustrating. I needed to vent. Hopefully I'll have better news next update, but honestly I should, because, there isn't much room for any news to be worse.
 
Wow, I never realized that getting divorced in CA is actually super simple and a spouse is authorized to request an official birth certificate.
 
Hi Tonberry,

Your post today inspired me to read your entire blog from the beginning, initially because I was having a boring day, and pretty quickly I became hooked on the unfolding narrative. Wow. What a saga.

I'm so sorry to hear that your divorce has dragged on for years and looks rather hopeless. I know you have consulted French and Canadian lawyers--but have you tried a US lawyer? Specifically an immigration lawyer? Someone who can help figure out a way for you to live in the US and apply for eventual US citizenship? It seems like you are getting nowhere with the French lawyer.

Have you considered applying to become a student at a US university? That might be a way to live in the country, and you said earlier that you wanted to pursue studies.

As for Raga...yeah, he's deliberately blocking your divorce proceedings. Despite the fact that it would indeed interfere with his own ability to have a relationship. But trust me, honey, he's not dating anyone. He has ISSUES.

This is a guy who is still actively angry about something his teacher told him when he was 8. Yes, the teacher was very wrong, and yes, Raga was traumatized by the event. (For those without the patience to go back to read the stuff on this thread from 2010: when Raga was 8 years old, a boy in his class who had been in foster care committed suicide, and the teacher told the class it was because the boy "had no friends." Raga was consumed with guilt; there were no grief counselors, and the children did not get to go to the funeral.) Now, certainly, that would indeed be devastating to a child, and I can see how that would haunt someone for the rest of his life.

BUT, Raga (by his own words) blames this incident for his lifelong depression. He blames not just this incident, but this particular teacher. Even though surely the school as a whole, i.e. the principal, had as much to do with the inadequate response as the teacher. And rather than seek help for his depression, or set out to help kids in foster care, etc, the only thing Raga thought might help would be to maybe send a letter to the teacher telling her what a "monster" she had been 20+ years ago. :eek: (I don't think he sent such a letter; he was just venting about his depression back in 2010. But, red red flag.)

Perhaps Raga has been good about treating his mental health since your separation. But, given the fiasco over the divorce papers, I think not. And I think, Tonberry, that you don't need to feel too guilty for hurting Raga. For Raga, everything is about HIMSELF. It's not about a childhood classmate who died; it's about a horrible teacher who made HIS OWN life miserable.

A big thing I learned in coming to terms with my own ex: huge insecurities often go hand-in-hand with a hugely self-centered outlook. For example, when Raga was depressive in 2010 he said something like: "I am a worthless husband and no one likes me not even the cat," etc. No self confidence, sure; but also, it's all about HIM. The cat's not just a cat with normal cat behavior; she's part of the whole world hating him. (Sorry to hear about Lumpy, by the way).

A lot of things you have written here struck a chord with me, Ton. Particularly how you remember Raga complaining that he's never been lucky in love, no one will ever want him, etc, WHEN YOU WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM LOVING HIM. That is EXACTLY what my ex was like when he and I discussed non-monogamy. He would say that he liked the idea of us both being able to date other people, but then he would whine that no girls liked him, no one thinks he's sexy, etc. I thought I was doing a good job of supporting him through his insecurities--but in fact it was all about HIM, he never considered my feelings at all, or appreciated how much I cared for him.

Another weird thing about Raga: the way he became so obsessed with J, his female coworker whom he wanted to date. The poor woman had no idea you two were in an open marriage; Raga invited her over to dinner with the two of you and she had no idea it was a date. Rather than explain his situation, Raga did odd things like send her gift baskets, inquire into the details of her dating life, and agonize for weeks over whether to send her an email declaring his love for her. (I thought you did an amazing job of supporting Raga in all this, Ton.)

Anyway...I'm not sure what my point is here. It doesn't do you any good to wallow in regret for marrying him (which perhaps I am not helping with).

Seamus sounds really awesome and wonderful. I would never have guessed that it would work out to have a "boyfriend" that you only met in person for the first time 3 months into an already-serious, long-distance online relationship! I guess I don't know everything :)

Other things that resonated with me: the way Raga's friends and family shunned you. I got that too. The mutual friends I shared with my ex never asked for my side of the story; I never badmouthed my ex to them; they just shut me out. I don't settle for the explanation that that's "just how break-ups work." My theory is that it has to do with punishing women for violating the socially accepted rules for conducting relationships.

I really appreciated being able to read your whole story going back for years. Lately I have been trying to follow the blogs section of this forum more, since I have lost all patience for the problems in the Poly Relationship section.

Good luck with everything. I'll state again that I urge you to seek the help of a US lawyer.

In the meanwhile, can you take advantage of France's healthcare system and see a therapist? In particular I think you should talk to someone about the issues with your parents.
 
Meera,

Thank you so much for your message. As I'm sure you can understand, I've been stressed out lately and it helped a lot to read what you had to say. I think it's great that you read the whole thread and got the big picture, because of course there are details I forgot over the years, and it's also good that Raga himself had posted messages, as I think it helps seeing both sides a little bit more.


There are lots of things I regret doing or not doing in the relationship, and I do believe it's pointless in the end. It happened. I can learn from it and grow from it.

What you said about everything for Raga being about him resonated so much. I had flashbacks of all these times he got upset about things that had nothing to do with him. And I remember clearly all those times I was sad or stressed but it ended up being about me needing to comfort him because he was despairing over how he had made me sad or how he had hurt me. I felt like I couldn't be vulnerable or weak, no matter what happened.
I remember the time (I probably mentioned it in the thread" I was sore and he wanted to have sex, and I told him I was too sore, and he said "I don't mind" and carried on spreading my legs and so on, and I started crying, and he made it all about him, and about how mean I was not to let him have sex.

I was shocked when I was cut off of his life, but in hindsight, I should have known. There have been people before, the second they said something he thought was mean to him (one friend for instance said he "was being emo" when he was complaining on Facebook), he vilified them and never talked to them again, despite having been friends for years. He said they "were not really friends".

When Seamus visited in Canada, Raga told him a story, with bitterness and anger in his voice, about how once the company he worked at got a bonus but he didn't get any of it because he was part time, and people were still telling him "great about the bonus!" without regard to the fact he wasn't a part of it. Then another story about how he had been refused a promotion, then asked to train the woman who did get the promotion.
Both events had happened before I met him. At the time he told Seamus about them, it must have been at least 7 years, maybe more.
I remember thinking "wow, you've got to learn to let it go".

And I think it's a big thing. He needs to learn to let it go. Honestly, I think you're right and he hasn't. I was hoping that after the break-up he would have had counseling and gotten better, and that he'd be happy, but I went to his Facebook page recently to get some pictures of Lumpy, and his wall was littered with bitter statements. Many of them about me (I don't think I mentioned him once on my wall after the breakup was final. I just don't think about him unless I'm dealing with the divorce). One in particular surprised me a lot, and I think completely supports your point: it was about how he wanted to be happy and celebrate New Year's, but it was also the anniversary of the break-up and it made him feel so horrible, and he didn't put it past me that I might have done it on purpose.
By which I think he meant "she must have broken up with me on New Year's because then I would never be able to celebrate it again and it would always remind me of her" and I guess I would rub my hands and laugh maniacally?
I was so surprised. First that the day still reminded him of the breakup after 2 years and depressed him (I read the message in February after Lumpy had died and I was searching back for pictures. My own New Year's Eve/New Year's Day was completely devoid of memories of him or of the break-up), but since he's apparently single, I can imagine celebrations in general reminding me of that.
But most importantly, the idea that I picked what date to break up with him, that I planned to make it so it would hurt him every year, that I must be now sitting at home and thinking "Haha, I bet he's hurting right now!"... Yes, he does make things all about him.

I guess I'm ranting a bit, but somehow it was a big revelation to read your message. I always though he was just too sensitive, and that's probably true, but the lack of empathy he's expressed during the breakup and afterwards shocked me, yet it makes sense now. I was hurt, he was hurt, it was messy. But he's never going to get over it this way. Even if he did meet someone, he would be starting the relationship with all this baggage instead of dealing with it...
I really hope he can get past all the issues he's struggled with, and be happy. But I need to stop feeling responsible for everything that went wrong, and to stop being guilty for his sustained unhappiness. He was unhappy before we met, and I shouldn't have expected or been expected to solve problems that existed before me.

I think the option to find a US lawyer and spend time in the US without divorcing, at least until the divorce makes actual progress, definitely has merit. I will talk to Seamus about it and we should be able to find a US lawyer to help us and figure out the best course of action.

Seamus is indeed great! I find that we work so much better together. With Raga, we had a way of stressing out each other worse when under stress, and any problem became worse and worse. With Seamus, there has been a lot of stress, and being apart so much is very hard, but even when we don't know what to do and we feel we can't take it anymore, we know we're strong enough and we'll eventually work through it.

Yesterday when I talked to him, he got very frustrated with the whole situation. I got a bit upset and he reassured me that the situation is the problem, although he does wish I would be a bit more proactive. He thinks I'm too nice, too worried about hurting Raga's friends or family, and that I should harass them more. That they hate me anyways, "because they're stupid", to quote him, and so it's not going to make their impression of me worse, and things might get done.

I've tried to be more proactive today. I stayed in touch with my lawyer, who suggested the embassy. I already contacted the Canadian Embassy, without an answer so far, and I'm waiting for it to be late enough to call the French Embassy in Canada. I also contacted my grandfather, who always said to call him if I needed anything, and I did need someone to talk... I don't know if he can help but he said he'd ask around and see if anyone he knows can help.

I also, as you rightfully suggested, contacted my therapist back from 2011 that I saw for a few months, but then stopped seeing. I do need all the support I can get, and I do have some anxiety issues, including some that get in the way of dealing with the divorce effectively. I'm just too worried about consequences sometimes and I crumble down at the idea of "bothering" some people I still care about.
I also need to see if I can learn from the mistakes I made with Raga. I hated the person I was when I was with him, I would sometimes be cruel or get angry, and while I know the stress of the relationship was at least partially to blame, I want to make sure I know what triggers me, and learn not to go down that road.
And as you mention I do have unresolved issues with my parents. Part of me wants to forgive them and get back in touch and be on good term. Another part feels like it would be "betraying" Raga to forgive them for treating him poorly and without much respect. I'm also scared to try fixing things and just end up getting hurt again.
Whether I build a good relationship with them in the future or never talk to them again, though, I need to know for myself that I'm over it, and that I have dealt with the issues in question.

Thanks again for your message. I'm really glad I kept posting, even if it wasn't too frequent, even if it sometimes seemed nobody was reading. It just wouldn't be the same if you only had the last few messages with no background.
 
I've tried to be more proactive today. I stayed in touch with my lawyer, who suggested the embassy. I already contacted the Canadian Embassy, without an answer so far, and I'm waiting for it to be late enough to call the French Embassy in Canada. I also contacted my grandfather, who always said to call him if I needed anything, and I did need someone to talk... I don't know if he can help but he said he'd ask around and see if anyone he knows can help.

Good for you! Time to take the gloves off and take care of business. Stop worrying about their feelings, they sure aren't concerned about yours. Just worry about your integrity. Yes, its messy and will probably bring forth all sorts of hurt and anger, but it's also business that needs to be dealt with. Good Luck!
 
I thought I'd mention that Tonberry does have the birth certificate, and has for a little while now, and the court date is set for September 9th. I'm sure she was itching to tell you all about it, but just forgot.
Anyways, I'm going back to my honestly quite happy life of the last couple of years away from all the needless drama and count down to the day when I can be free of all the head games and lies. I strongly doubt I'll post on this forum again, but it was interesting to see what was being said about me when people forget that what's said in public on the internet is public. It's been rather amusing.
Bye all!
 
Yes, I received the birth certificate on the 2nd of May. I sent it to the French lawyer and a court date has indeed been set for the 9th of September.

I'm still worried something will go wrong in the meantime but hopefully things will work out.

I probably should have posted with the update, but I've been a bit busy lately. Sadly, Seamus's mom died last month and I'm still in the middle of sorting out everything. Seamus's credit score was bad (it's better now) so although he was paying all the bills, everything was in his mother's name (he has his paycheque paid on her account).

I'm still dealing with the mortgages (they were in her name, but Seamus was added to the deeds last year, which I need to prove and it's been a pain of paperwork).
We're done dealing with all the funeral arrangements (that was last month) and dealing with informing everyone, etc. We closed her bank accounts but haven't finished setting payment for the various bills, so although we have some money aside, we're having trouble actually paying it.
It's all getting into place though.

But yeah, I didn't really update you guys as a result. I haven't been very consistent at the best of times.

Raga, everything I typed, I knew there was a chance you might see it. I'm aware of how the Internet works. I wasn't going to refrain from posting in my blog just because you might see it. I don't have any secrets from you, anyways, and you already knew how I felt about things, I'm sure.

Everyone else, I'll update when the divorce is final, but I don't expect to update much until then. I'm still in contact with the US immigration lawyer who should be able to help me with my residency after the divorce is finalized.

I'm just glad this is leading up to some closure finally. I just want to keep going with my life, get a job (a paying one, that is. My translations don't pay) and so on. I'm pretty hopeful about life in general despite still being in a shitty space because of Seamus's mom's death. I lived with the woman on and off for three years and I grew close to her. On top of that, she was a single parent and Sean an only child, and she was disowned by her family, so she was his only family.

Thankfully, I caught a plane in time and arrived a couple of days before she died. So I got to see her, and I got to be with Seamus. I've been dealing with as much stuff as I can so he doesn't have to, so it's been stressful, but I'm still on my antidepressant and anxiety meds, so I'll be fine.

Another reason I didn't post about the court date is that I'm seeing with the US lawyer if I can get divorced sooner than that, in which case the court date is irrelevant. I'll keep you posted on that as well.
 
I thought I'd mention that Tonberry does have the birth certificate, and has for a little while now, and the court date is set for September 9th. I'm sure she was itching to tell you all about it, but just forgot.
Anyways, I'm going back to my honestly quite happy life of the last couple of years away from all the needless drama and count down to the day when I can be free of all the head games and lies. I strongly doubt I'll post on this forum again, but it was interesting to see what was being said about me when people forget that what's said in public on the internet is public. It's been rather amusing.
Bye all!

Oh, Raga, please do pat yourself on the back! It's so good and kind of you to send the document now that it's 2013! After all, Tonberry has only been requesting it since at least December 2011 or even earlier. But oh yeah, you're right, she's the one who must really be into games and drama.
:rolleyes:


Tonberry, glad to hear you can now move forward with the divorce. My own is proceeding now, too, and feels like a chapter is coming to a close, which will free me for the next ones to follow.
 
Anyways, I'm going back to my honestly quite happy life of the last couple of years away from all the needless drama and count down to the day when I can be free of all the head games and lies. I strongly doubt I'll post on this forum again, but it was interesting to see what was being said about me when people forget that what's said in public on the internet is public. It's been rather amusing.
Bye all!

Yes, Raga, it's all about you...
 
Oh, Raga, please do pat yourself on the back! It's so good and kind of you to send the document now that it's 2013! After all, Tonberry has only been requesting it since at least December 2011 or even earlier. But oh yeah, you're right, she's the one who must really be into games and drama.
:rolleyes:

In fairness, it's "only" been a year: I first asked for the birth certificate in May 2012. Before that (May 2011 to end of 2011) I was trying to get Raga to file for a Canadian divorce, as I had been told I couldn't do it, not being a resident, and then (end of 2011 to February 2012) after he told he me had filed, I was calling weekly to check if they received anything (they never did. I asked again in September 2012 and nothing had been filed at all then either).

After that I decided to ask for a French divorce. My first attempt to get a lawyer (back in the end of 2011) failed as they refused me the judicial help, due to counting Raga's income as mine, and therefore deciding I could afford a lawyer on my own (which I couldn't, being on welfare).
My second attempt was more successful and so I first asked in May 2012 for the birth certificate specifically.

I wouldn't want to sound dishonest by claiming I'd been asking for it since 2011, even though at this point it's really a minor detail in the big picture what exactly I was asking for and not getting.


Tonberry, glad to hear you can now move forward with the divorce. My own is proceeding now, too, and feels like a chapter is coming to a close, which will free me for the next ones to follow.

Definitely. I'm so looking forward to putting it past me and just forgetting all about it. At this point I'm not really upset or bitter about anything, I just want it to be over. I think we'll both be better off once it is.
Glad to hear that your own divorce is proceeding. I would never have imagined they would be such a pain! I mean, at this point I've spent more time trying to divorce than being married before our separation. It's insane.
 
A thought

Just a quick.observation: you said your husband seems happier now that you've found other relationships. Are you sure he's monogamous? One of the concepts we've talked about in our poly group is partners who want to be "half-boyfriends," or, in your case "half-husband." When you're poly, your first relationship is with yourself....so even if you're only with one partner, you're never really monogamous. Perhaps he feels less pressures, less obligations only having to be available to you part time? I'd so, lucky fit :)
 
A positive update: I've started filing for divorce in Nevada, first alone, but then after I contacted Raga he joined in so that we can file together and get it over with.
As stressful as it's all been, I'm glad that it seems to finish on a happier note of us working together to get it done, even if it's because we both want it over with, and not due to us being friendly again or anything like that.

I'll keep you posted on how the divorce goes.

The reason for not pursuing the French divorce - although it's still an option if the Nevada one falls through - is that I've been told that depending on the judge, the 2 year separation period that's compulsory might start only at the court date, which is September, and which would make the divorce take 2 more year.
Sure, the best-case scenario for the French divorce is it being done on the court date right away, but the worst-case scenario is pretty bad, so I've been exploring other options for the past few months, including this one.
 
Back
Top