Some Assembly Required

Glitter

New member
Forewarning, this will be a long one ;)

This isn’t something I would normally share with the world. Blindly fumbling in the dark to find just a crack of light isn’t my normal forte. However, it’s not a bad story, nor an exceptional one at that.

I am T. I am a female. I am bi-curious but like dick more. Married to G, 99% straight male loves to cuddle and pamper. We met by chance, online, through chat. It was a whirlwind to say the least. After talking online and phone for a month, we met. We fell in love. We moved in together after just 4 months of knowing each other. That was 10 years ago.

7 years ago we married in a Wiccan/Pagan inspired ceremony. Nowhere in our vows did we commit to monogamy. I should have seen it, I wrote them myself, haha. Within a year I was suggesting we try adding another woman to our relationship, in order to spice things up and to have a full on loving relationship with this woman. At the time, we knew nothing of polyamory, nor of “Unicorn Hunters”. We feared backlash and excommunication from our families and friends.

Twice we attempted to assimilate a woman into our home, only to have it blow up in our faces. I felt so fucking jealous and hated G for wanting to love these other women. After about 6 months of this, we decided to halt our search and to focus on us. I shut down, emotionally and sexually, for years. Our relationship sagged and suffered. I neglected my husband and he resented me for it.

Fast forward to last year. I finally have the balls to suck it up and start facing my fears, my insecurities and found out why I felt the way I did. We end up moving to a house, outside of the city, in a small community that is so loving it’s unreal. My parents move into our house with us. This is hard, but we all eventually figure out how to have privacy and still share the house. G and I start having serious heart to heart talks about what we want in our relationship. I realize a few things.

1. I was not happy with the relationship. I want to explore something with a woman.
2. I want a family. A child or two of our own.
3. I want G to be happy and have a love that wants to be loved by him, and who can help relieve me (he’s extremely touchy-feely and sometimes it bothers me, as I was raised with food being the source of comfort, not physical attention).
4. G has VERY different taste in women than I do ;)

G and I talk about what kind of relationship we want to pursue. I suggest open relationship, but after discovering that is more about sex than a relationship, we agree that is not for us. We are not interested in swinging. We start looking online for clues as to what we want. We discover this forum, and finally start to understand what we are.

After a long time of talking about it constantly, we begin to understand that we want separate relationships. I don’t want to have a Triad, I want someone else, apart from our relationship, to love. He wants someone else, apart from our relationship, to love. We start on OKC and I immediately discover that most of the women interested in me, are not accepting of a poly relationship. Many inform me that I am a sick and twisted pervert for it. Oh well. I discuss with G, the idea of opening up to looking for both men and women. G is fine with it, but is a bit nervous at the same time. Of course, I get a lot of “interest”, that is, until they discover that I am married and not willing to be a fuck buddy. Oh well (again). G gets depressed that no women are interested in him. He worries that he won’t find the right woman to share his life with. We continue to seek others and see what we find.

Flash forwards a bit, and (after disposing of a few septic potentials), a poly couple contacts me. I start talking with S, who is with P. He is interested in me; P is interested in G. Sounds good. We chat online many times, and skype in a group. We talk about what we want (polyfidelitous relationships), and what we don’t want (casual sex). We have a good time talking, and agree to meet.

S and P come to visit, and bring their son, whom we will call Bean. We have a lovely day, and decide to go to their home for the weekend. We are all operating as friends for now. Slow and steady wins the race, no?

The weekend goes well. We enjoy the company and the new part of the province we had yet to see (about an hour from home). We all feel comfortable with each other. Bean loves us, especially G. This floored me, as G is usually uncomfortable with children. This time he bonded with Bean and enjoyed playing with him. He later told me that P and S and Bean are a package deal. He wants to be with P, and Bean is always going to be a part of her life. I was shocked and very happy to hear (and witness!) this :D

P and S have their own issues. They are a bit rocky, but have admitted that they are still willing to see us, even if they broke up. It would be individually however, no group dates or anything like that. They don’t plan on breaking up however, and want to work through their issues. Good to hear.

We feel connected, all of us. We are taking this day by day, since we need to develop a decently solid foundation before we build the roof, haha. We talk about what we would like, in the future. Perhaps sharing a house, all 5 of us, in 2 or so years. We will see.

G is feeling big time NRE. He knows it ;) We talk about it, because he’s excited and wants P to be happy. S and I talk but are more realistic about things, I think. I feel a lot of new feelings for him. I care deeply for all three. We plan on having a few more dates, hopefully individually as well. See how things progress. Right now sex is off the table for everyone. We want to ease into this, not stumble and possibly shatter it. I think it is smart.

The biggest thing is how natural and wonderful it all felt. Knowing we can show affection, touch another intimately and look at another in “that way” without any anger, neither jealousy nor confusion. It’s just great to feel “normal” in our own unique way.

So, here we are. Talking online with each other. They are not out to anyone. G and I are out to my parents and possibly family (if they see our FB, they will know). G’s family knows nothing, and it will stay that way.

I do wonder a few things:
1. If we eventually cohabitate and start families together, how do we explain that to the extended family? I know we could say S donated to father a child for us, and G donated for them. However it seems rather convoluted to me. I know there is time to think about it, but I don’t want it to be something we never think about until it happens.
2. Private space – would be needed. I have pets, and S is allergic to them all. My home will never be pet-free, so they will need to be considered if and when the time comes.
3. Perhaps 2 homes would be better, but next door to each other or something. All I have to go on is Big Love and Sister Wives :p
4. Will we lose more friends and/or family by coming out and cohabitating? What can we do to protect our rights and family from backlash (we are in Canada, less laws to worry about, but I am no lawyer)?

G and I have a much better relationship now. We openly show affection, I do not take him for granted, and he feels loved by me. Being open about who we are and what we want has seriously helped our relationship. Before this, I could easily see us decaying into some stinking goop that no one would want to touch.

So, this is my story-in-the-making. I hope G will join in on this discussion, if he chooses. I will invite S and P to as well, however not sure if they will want to.

Here we are, some assembly required.
 
I do wonder a few things:
1. If we eventually cohabitate and start families together, how do we explain that to the extended family? I know we could say S donated to father a child for us, and G donated for them. However it seems rather convoluted to me. I know there is time to think about it, but I don’t want it to be something we never think about until it happens.
2. Private space – would be needed. I have pets, and S is allergic to them all. My home will never be pet-free, so they will need to be considered if and when the time comes.
3. Perhaps 2 homes would be better, but next door to each other or something. All I have to go on is Big Love and Sister Wives :p
4. Will we lose more friends and/or family by coming out and cohabitating? What can we do to protect our rights and family from backlash (we are in Canada, less laws to worry about, but I am no lawyer)?

1. Why explain things. "They live with us." If someone asks "Why?", just say "because that's the way the 4 of us like it" period, end of discussion. Yes, I live in a LARGE city where housing prices are mind boggling and multifamily co-habitation is basically normal.

2. You would have to get an extremely LARGE home to fit 4-6 adults (if your parents are still living with you) plus any more children that will come along. A duplex that could be converted to have a few shared areas, or even doorways between spaces. Keep the pets exclusively on your side.

For those that suffer with allergies, it can be extremely torturous to be around pets for more than a few hours at a time, sometimes just sitting in the same furniture the pets use is worse than the pet itself. It can also cause some life threatening side effects. For this reason alone, two houses likely on the same property would likely be a better solution. There are better allergy injections around nowadays, which can be helpful, but I would never even consider asking someone to live with a pet if they are severely allergic.

4. Can't say about the backlash of friends, but the way you approach things can make a difference in how they respond. Don't take a negative initial response as their final opinion on the issue. As far as the US vs Canada it depends on where you live in. Many states like California (and other West coast states) don't give a crap about your living situation beyond health and safety regulations (only so many people per # of bedrooms). From what I hear, some parts of Canada have some restrictive laws as well.

***SLOW DOWN!*** I realize you are trying to plan for the future, which is fun, but things are still new and over time, a lot of these things will just work them selves out. There are times when too much planning can set you up to be disappointed or cause anxiety in everyone and that can damage the relationship. Relax and let the relationships develop and unfold naturally for a while more.
 
I LOVE your title!

Thank you!! :D It's something I was thinking about...how we are all "parts" of a relationship (regardless of with whom the relationship is, we are all individual parts of it). We just need to be assembled before we are completed. I don't know how many parts there are in total, but as long as we continue to add them in when the fit is right, we should be good ;)

1. Why explain things. "They live with us." If someone asks "Why?", just say "because that's the way the 4 of us like it" period, end of discussion. Yes, I live in a LARGE city where housing prices are mind boggling and multifamily co-habitation is basically normal.

True! My parents are planning on moving anyways, because they are wanting a place either further from town (rural) or more in town, not sure which to be honest. And that would allow for more trial visits, with some private space for them (if wanted). Of course, that is next year at a minimum, as everyone involved (parents want to move in the spring) needs to keep taking this slow.

Plus, this city is large enough that housing costs are redonkulous. It's one of the reasons my parents live here too. On our own, neither could afford this house. Cohabitation, regardless of with whom, just makes sense :) We're lucky that way!


2. You would have to get an extremely LARGE home to fit 4-6 adults (if your parents are still living with you) plus any more children that will come along. A duplex that could be converted to have a few shared areas, or even doorways between spaces. Keep the pets exclusively on your side.

For those that suffer with allergies, it can be extremely torturous to be around pets for more than a few hours at a time, sometimes just sitting in the same furniture the pets use is worse than the pet itself. It can also cause some life threatening side effects. For this reason alone, two houses likely on the same property would likely be a better solution. There are better allergy injections around nowadays, which can be helpful, but I would never even consider asking someone to live with a pet if they are severely allergic.

The allergies was something we were more worried about (though S spent an hour inside, with the animals, and he was ok, and there are allergy medications he can try). We use a hepa vacuum as well, and brush the furniture daily. Plus the cats/dogs have the option of going outside as they like, so they are not all squished into the house.


4. Can't say about the backlash of friends, but the way you approach things can make a difference in how they respond. Don't take a negative initial response as their final opinion on the issue. As far as the US vs Canada it depends on where you live in. Many states like California (and other West coast states) don't give a crap about your living situation beyond health and safety regulations (only so many people per # of bedrooms). From what I hear, some parts of Canada have some restrictive laws as well.

Thank you! We all will start to look at the laws and see what is expected/required by law (as per housing laws, I know there is nothing about living together, thankfully we don't have to worry about that).

***SLOW DOWN!*** I realize you are trying to plan for the future, which is fun, but things are still new and over time, a lot of these things will just work them selves out. There are times when too much planning can set you up to be disappointed or cause anxiety in everyone and that can damage the relationship. Relax and let the relationships develop and unfold naturally for a while more.

Very good points, thank you! And I agree, I need to just let go of some of those questions and worry about it once it plays out. I just don't want to dive head first into anything without understanding what the consequences of our actions would be. I've been reading many of the unhappy ending posts here, just so I can ream what I can from others' experiences. Basically I want everyone to have a good understanding of what can and may very well happen with us, before we get involved. And with a child already, I don't want to cause any heart ache for Bean. :cool:
 
The allergies was something we were more worried about (though S spent an hour inside, with the animals, and he was ok, and there are allergy medications he can try). We use a hepa vacuum as well, and brush the furniture daily. Plus the cats/dogs have the option of going outside as they like, so they are not all squished into the house.

My husband has severe pet allergies. He will be okay for a few hours to even a few days (if they vacuum daily) in a house with pets. However, by the second or third day, he is literally bed ridden with a migraine that will last for days after leaving the pets behind. His forehead an nose literally swell up to almost twice their size. I'm just the opposite, I will be bothered immediately, but once I get accustom to it, I start feeling better. So just as I feel better my husband is getting sick. Definitely something that can't be taken for granted.

Unless your Rosie from the Jetson's, it's almost impossible to keep up with the needed maintenance required to keep pets with someone with pet allergies, then again, it depends on the severity. Also remember the allergies are genetic, and the kids could be bothered as well (I have one that is and one that's not). The less fabrics (upholstery, carpet, drapes, etc) the better.
 
Both of our homes are carpet free, thank goodness! I would like to get furniture that has less fabric so that it will be easier to clean. Right now a good sweeping daily, and vacuuming (along with using the slicker brush on the couch) daily has helped keep the allergens down. He told us he will know within the first 1/2 hour of being around animals if he will react, so I'm hoping with due diligence, that he will be fine. I don't expect him to be cuddling or petting the pets at all, and they are good at staying away from new people (especially the cats, we didn't see them for a long while the first day, lol!). Luckily Bean is so far not allergic to anything. I don't plan on adding any new pets (except for reptiles), and have been planning on rehoming a couple of the small pets due to my own lack of time for them. We will see ;)
 
Entry #2:

G and I sat down and talked about what we want of this Quad relationship. We want a family unit, love shared and respect all around. We’ve asked S and P for a Skype chat so that we can all communicate what we all want and need.

S has told me he is very comfortable with daily communication, and prefers it. Wonderful for me, as I honestly did not realize how much I want to share with him, the goings on of my day-to-day life. Little, unimportant details that are old and usual with G and I, are new to S and P. I love it! I know, it’s NRE, but that is ok. We have distance between us, so we won’t be able to just burn out too quickly.

G told me he’s read this and he loved it. He said how much he appreciated reading it, from my point. He cares for P quite deeply and (according to S), she for him. So far everything seems to be working well ;)

I actually posted on Facebook, something about Poly. It’s rather blunt, and the only one, other than G, to say something is my biological dad. It’s interesting that he likes and appreciates the idea. I wonder how the rest of my family thinks?

S said he misses me. Major “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” moment :D Don’t get me wrong, I am not head over heels in love with him, but I do see it going that way if we all continue the way we are. I am a little scared of falling in love again. I love G with all my heart; it’s not our relationship I worry about. We’re solid, great foundation. I think I just want to go in without blinders on – just know what we want and what we don’t want.

And I miss them. I love my home and my pets and my daily life. But I miss hanging out with them. P wants to teach me some of her kitchen tricks (she is a chef), and I would love to do some cooking and baking for everyone. I think Bean would love playing with my niece, Doodle.

G and I watched a show on one of the movie channels last night, Polyamory: Married and Dating. I think that is the name. It’s a ½ hour show, but it was lovely. I was thrilled to see a working Triad and a working Quad. It was nice to see some dynamics, and to see honest emotions. No fluffy cotton candy goop glossing over the fact that people are human, and shit happens. We get jealous. We get annoyed. We get our feelings hurt and hearts broken. But we know this and still trudge forward through it to make our loves and us happy.

So enough for today, I don’t have too much to report ;) But all in all, I am enjoying this path we have chosen. It’s definitely not for everyone, but there is an amazing view ;)

Well, actually I need to NRE for just a moment ;) S has beautiful blue eyes with long dark lashes. G has stunning chocolate brown eyes with long luscious lashes. Damn, I am lucky ;)
 
Entry #3

Sooo…S and P have broken up. I think. S claims he’s now a single man, but P isn’t saying much. G feels so bad for P, and wishes he could help her out some how. I’m on the fence with what I am feeling about S. I’ve noticed he blames her for all the problems, and never says that he has his own issues or faults. Big flags to both G and I. P admits her own faults, knows she isn’t perfect. I think I will back off a bit with S and see how things go.

Last night G and I spent a few hours talking about what we thought about S and P. We talked through the things we worried about (a huge desire to have children together and yet to keep G and I hidden from family and friends), and both didn’t know where that left us.

Tonight I decided that I don’t want to be a secret. I can handle privacy and all that, and not being open to everyone at the beginning. However, I don’t want to hiding in the poly closet forever, because someone has unreasonable expectations (wanting to be rich and famous before anyone finds out…realistically, how likely is that to happen?).

I think I surprised G by saying that if, in the future, he has a lover who wants to live with us in the home, I am open to that. He was shocked I would be so fine with it. I just told him, my limits are our bed is for us only. He shares her bed and not ours. He was very happy that I was open to it :D I am happy he’s happy ;)

So, I’m back updating my OKC profile. I’m chatting with a local fellow who seems pretty cool. G says he sounds like someone we’d both get along with (fellow laid back gamer type, lol). So I will see if he’s interested ;)
 
Entry #4

I’ve decided that I am not going to pursue a relationship with S for now. He is blaming everyone and anyone for the break up of his relationship with P. He’s publicly bashing the world and her for this, and that is not sitting well with me. If he can’t hold his own baggage (thank you GalaGirl!), I don’t want to be with him.

I’ve encouraged P to talk whenever she wants or needs, to either of us. I tell G to give her a bit of space, but to tell her he is there if she ever wants or needs to talk.

I’ve been chatting with a local guy, whom I will call JB. He’s cool and likes many of the things we like. He said last night he’d love to hang out with me and/or go on a date. So, maybe ;) We’ll see. He has a more ‘friend’ vibe to me, which is fine as well.

Tried to have sexy time with G last night, only to be met with moodiness and a grumpy man. This morning was much better and has been lovey all day. I like that ;)

So, I am attempting to alter my OKC profile. I feel it’s too long and maybe too much info. If anyone wants to give me some help, let me know ;) I’ll send the link if wanted.
 
I feel like a blubbery giggly goopy girl right now, but I am heading out on my first real date with S. I know, I said it was likely over, but he wants to make an effort, and I am willing to see how things go. Wish me luck! I am a nervous ball of girl right now :p
 
Entry #6

I had a crazy amazing date with S. Not wickedly wild, but just great. We talked for hours, kissed and fondled a bit. Watched the shooting stars and talked more. We asked each other a lot of blunt, honest questions and each replied with honesty. I feel a real connection with him, and we both agreed to keep pursuing this relationship.

G had a pretty harsh evening. P told him she does not want a relationship with him, because of his stomach. She told him that if he works hard, loses weight; she might be willing to give him a chance in another year. Fat chance, pun intended. G saw her true light and realized how shallow she is. She spent the entire night bashing S and asking G if he knew what S and I were doing. They eventually quit chatting, and he was in a pissy mood (who wouldn’t be?).

I got home at nearly 5AM (5 hours later). G seemed to be in an angry mood (I assumed he was upset that this date may have been sexual). He told me all that P had said to him, how she kept giving him “threads of hope”, and just outright bashed S the entire time.

We had a very long discussion, as he did not want me to be around S (thinking P was talking absolute truth about him). I explained what we talked about, how he was, his emotional state and what we decided about our feelings for each other (definitely on the way to a full on loving relationship, just taking it slow so we don’t muck up our lives). It really opened G’s eyes that S can be a wonderful person, once he lets down the Bravado façade. He and G are very similar in their emotional needs and wants (and physical, haha). They have different interests (G is tech-inclined, S is artsy, like me).

But anyways, I decided to tell G what happened (he asked for details, S was fine with me telling G). G became so happy for me, and relished sharing my afterglow and NRE. We talked for a good 4 hours and cuddled. I still haven’t slept :p

But, G wants me to continue with S, as long as I feel it is something I want. He is so happy seeing me enjoying going out on dates, sharing common interests and just enjoying the new sexual energy and intimacy. He is in agreement that he wants to get to know S, the real S, without the Bravado. He wants to have a friend in his metamour. S wants this as well, calls us part of his family.

I honestly worried I would not be able to even hold his (S’s) hand. He was just as nervous as I was, lol. We laughed through our nerves and really opened up to each other. It was intimate but no sex. It was absolutely amazing. I’ve honestly had my sexuality bound up and gagged in a closet for so many years, it is liberating to share myself with someone whom I care for, and who cares for me. G and I have been together for 10 years, and we were very inexperienced when we met. It’s just different with S. I don’t compare them (apples and oranges, haha) I just love the differences.

G has slender fingers and smaller hands. He’s more submissive. He’s 2 years older than I. S has larger hands and thick fingers. I love the feel of them on the back of my neck! He’s very attentive, tender and…I don’t know how to describe it. He’s nothing like anyone I’ve ever been with. He is also 5 years younger than me. It’s rejuvenating.

Now, I don’t know what will happen between S and P. It doesn’t sound like they want to be with each other (based on conversations with both). I told S I will never give him advice or my opinions on his relationship with her. However I did tell him I would stand by him, whatever he decides to do. We also agreed to take whatever time we both need (more him at this point), and not label our relationship, but just date and not pursue anyone else. If we find anything lacking, or off or anything hinky, we will talk about it. It feels great having set our boundaries and set some goals (example, S and I will go camping within a month or so, for a few days alone). We have mutual agreements about not being intimate with anyone other than our partners and each other. Keep in contact and be honest about any needs we have (space, time alone, sexy time, cuddles, a shoulder to lean on, etc).

All in all, I am glad that I didn’t fully discard him. I had thought I should, briefly. I kept going back, and feeling I need to get him alone and talk. See who he is without P around. He’s a good soul, and I am grateful I went with my instinct to take it slow and go at his pace :)

I know there is some manipulation on P's part, promising sex if S stayed home instead of coming to see me - while for weeks has not allowed him to touch her (seen this in action myself). Then asking G to call S and find out what is happening, what we were doing, when he was coming home, etc. She said to both me and G, that she was fine if S and I had a relationship. Then says totally different things to G when we are not around. I think G and I will stay away from her...she sounds potentially toxic to me (am I wrong about this?).
 

Thank you! G has already said she is out, because he is very strict with his personal rules, which include not being a doormat and not being manipulated by anyone, regardless of how attractive he finds them ;)
 
Let me first say, having always been shy, scared to make first moves thinking I'll insult a woman. Having spent 3 days with S & P and never having the balls to ask P how she feels about me, how she'd think our overall relationship would work and encouraging by all T, S, P about just balls up, be honest and say what's on my mind when I approach women :p Tonight I DID ask P point blank if she found me attractive and if she thought we had any future. I DID tell her I want honesty as usual. I got the honesty and the truth. (even if it fucking sucks and I don't like it, lol)

Also thank you SNeacail. Yes that was an extremely harsh evening and overnight as I think I talked with P from about 11pm till 3am, trying to continually remember keep that "wall" up as it is now "just friends" as we just talked about things, some ways they would help eachother with their own relationship issues, etc. Which in itself is very complex, with before being "interested" in P or now being "rejected" by P puts me in a fairly bad light. But, I still DO want what is best for both of them and Bean and unfortunately even S agrees that it'll likely not be a happy ending.

I understand this is more about T and I, but rather than leaving that last bit wide open about the happy ending where readers are left to think WTF!? I think this should clear it up.

Basically S and P have been in a unstable relationship for years with resentment, anger, heated arguments and belittling eachother to just let off stream to prevent further fights. Neither is happy, one only stays in it blinded by love, accepting feeling worthless is worth the pain to keep the relationship going, both continue to live through the pain for Bean.

In spite of both saying they came from broken homes with anger and psychical fighting (just like this) they both want to keep it together for Bean. Now I may be wrong but common sense to me says raising a child only a few years old in that environment is not the best the the child since that is the main reason both choose to try to keep it together. I asked P ok you'll put up with it for Bean "for how long? Till Bean is 18? or longer?" Is not the best for Bean. I guess I've always been the counselor type while I CANNOT tell either of them oh just dump the other. I believe we both have been open trying to make them see reality outside of their anger and feelings they have. Looking at all the options and outcomes. Can it be fixed, whose willing to try and top of all how are each's own needs and feelings will be met so it can be a more equal open, honest relationship without feeling worthless and just putting ones feelings aside to make it work. Seeing their doctor, counseling, etc. Catching and trying to change the actions which lead so often lead to the bad feelings is also a very key part.

T didn't get home till around 5am when she was on cloud 9... *hangs head* till with my mind racing I was fairly angry preparing for the worst. I believe she stated earlier S like most men puts up a pretty thick macho tough guy attitude (which I hate in all men!!! In my opinon it makes them look fucking childish and I know *evil grin* that is just all the more insecure they are under it. I'm hoping S will get it just be yourself!!!) couple this with a locker room type way of joking S has *sighs* I really was worried if they both walked in and he cracked a joke something like "Man you're lucky, boy was T tight tonight!" I felt like I would have kicked the shit outa him and toss him out the door! :mad:

Now don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine and understand sex will happen. I want T to to be happy and of course part of their relationship will include sex. Admittedly I guess I'm a guy that even thinks it's hot in a kinky sort of way but the bottom line is Respect! in our/my house. Unless we were waaaaaaaay further down the road and casual about just screwing eachother at will while we're all at home. I told T while I could see us being that close and comfortable around eachother at some point if he's respectful. It would take quite a while before I might be ready for it.

In spite S saying P is just shy and P saying take it slow, it'll take time I never expected she would slam on the brakes over such an issue. Personally as intense as my love and feelings are (for potential or steady relationship), I was VERY surprised when P commented that she actually did not find me attractive due to having a bit of a belly (yes honestly currently 232lbs down from 250lbs about a month ago) I was not so much shocked or heartbroken but laughed and looked down and touched my stomach thinking wow on her part.

Now I'm not trying to deflect anger or be rude but the first thought I had was. S is likely in the high 200's closer to 300lbs but after a few seconds it was more clear in which I told her "well you know I understand, you've been with S for years! You're blindly in love with him as you've said, you probably don't even notice nor care how big he is as it's a long term relationship. Although with a secondary partner you DO have a choice, you CAN be picky. Your not stuck in the relationship yet as it's brand new and fresh."

After this we continued talking for hours just as friends. I think my biggest hurt was nothing really to do with P but my own feelings, insecurity and mind wandering thinking fuck now what! Plus the fact within five minutes this happening T was picked up for her date and started her very real relationship with S.

When T got home and after discussing why I was angry and that it was NOT about her time/date with S nor if they had sex or not. We had a very good night in spite of my harsh night with P. T and I ended up talking, enjoying the kinkiness of it and the NRE off T led to a very enjoyable night for us both. I admit we both did take a few jabs at P ;) as we talked and it just made things feel even more hot about S, knowing how good a night T and S had and while besides dumping me P stayed at home babysitting Bean asking "So how long do you think S & T will be out?" "Umm can you call S and ask when he'll be home?" Honestly I quickly said "sure np" and changed the subject but no way in hell I would phone and risk screwing up T's date (ya think!?) especially after the actions of P :p

While we had a great night once T got home the next day only after being up for a few hours it started weighing on me while I was back on Okcupid and several other dating sites.

Really nothing to do with P but the depressing thinking how "the couple" was a "perfect fit" emotionally, neither of us would feel left out. I loved the whole family dynamic feel, Bean brought out a side in me T has rarely if ever seen. Since I normally do not like children and try to get out of being around them. While we did not knowingly go out looking for swingers finding a M/F couple into us and claimed to both be looking for an actual ongoing relationship was just too bloody perfect! Now that family good feeling is gone. Instead will be replaced by two separate relationships. T & S and Myself & whoever.

Will it be better or worse I don't know. (fuck getting emotional even as I type this) As I said it weighed heavily on me last night, I was depressed, wanted to just cry, annoyed as fukin hell our pets would not bloody leave me alone! Went to lay down and got the dogs barking right outside my window. I was on the verge of exploding... Yes honestly even while on a bunch of crap to *rolls eyes* stabilize my mood. Pretty much begged T that I need to go out for a walk and talk with her now!!!

Told her my feelings, that I and in NO WAY angry at her, nor at S. How I realized the meds mostly dulled my feelings, anytime I did feel upset I had always managed to get her into talking kinky about it all or *cough* a more hands-on distraction. Said that I know they are MY feelings, I have to deal with them I just don't fukin now how right now!!! This was also the first time I admitted to T yes I feel selfish yes I really really wished things did not work out with S & P especially after P said it's over but S was already on his way here. Where I was thinking why why why, oh god if we could have just found another local couple, screw the one hour drive each time we wanted to see them. Also to have that family feeling and so no one feels left out. Had to say I'm sorry I feel like shit saying I wish it didn't work even tho I know how you care about S. It's just... it was so perfect with a couple!

I guess like getting a taste of something new and now is hands-down the best thing you've ever tasted! You believe nothing could beat that.

This also brought up my past thoughts. If should just shove my long time "good guy" lovey dovey sweet I so want to be in love with someone way of thinking and just instead adapt to finding a woman just for sex. Since with poly and swingers there seems to be tons more out there for "just sex" rather than those like myself looking for a loving honest relationship.

T says I shouldn't lower myself down to that level, be true to myself, she married the kind of person I currently am now. I honestly don't know, as we've explored this, I've been more open about sex and at times I do regret being the "nice guy" since my teenage years always needing the feeling of being in a relationship before sex!

Hmm to me it all boils down to what is logical, what are the odds, what will get me what I feel I need. T has changed, I'd say for the better since she's feeling sexually liberated.

I sit here confused, debating in my head. It's not about just sex... but maybe just sex would follow into a relationship. Can I stop feeling bad if I'm just one check-mark on a woman's to-do list for the week. Revolving more around just sex maybe I'd more likely find someone into fetishes I enjoy and that could be a relationship.
 
I think you both are doing great in figuring out what you want and communicating your needs, etc., but you could do well to slow things down a bit. While it is great to know what you eventually want for yourselves, making plans for the future at such an early stage can set you up for deep disappointment. Don't hang all your hopes on S and P. Keep meeting people, see where the chemistry is, take chances but just a little bit at a time. Don't try to make a relationship out of a very new attraction before it really actually is one. Be patient, and keep learning from the process.
 
Much agreed. I do keep meeting people, but there is no attraction. I mean, yes someone can be attractive or interesting, but there are usually big things that are a strict no for me. Right now I'm not looking for anyone else, because I want to see where this is going. More than one additional person at a time is too much stress for me, haha!
 
Well personally I'm having way more difficulty with this than I thought I would especially when things start lacking at home :( With home environment, untrained loud pets (barking, shitting and peeing inside, I usually leave it for T and just put up with the smell as am sick of it), lack of privacy (with others in the house) to even "take care of myself" except for whenever T goes to sleep which is between 11pm sometimes till 4am then I have till about 5:30am to cyber, look at porn, etc to take care of my needs before others may wander out into the living room. Without other outlets it's being very difficult not to feel left out, tossed aside. Being angry this morning, came to realize with the date T had with S honestly he had more sex with T (which wasn't much) than I have got in likely over a month LOL.

We are both in a bad position, no vehicle, no money. Being female of course T got someone quickly who is willing to drive hours into town to take her out. So now I feel the need to just find anyone for a fuck just to have an outlet, to get out of here, someone to talk to without all the stress of home life. Honestly right now wish had a relationship to just get away from home for a few days to a week to just have a vacation and clear my mind. I find myself thinking back to the married woman I saw when I was very young (yes cougar type thing) and wishing where is someone like that now. I guess at 34 not really the young innocent type to be snatched up by an older woman anymore, lol.

I was on here thinking where the hell do I find locals accepting of Poly when being a male and married and poly seems like three strikes your out. It seems impossible to find a woman even open enough to chat with unless it's just someone looking just for sex, intimate encounters, unhappy married women looking to cheat, etc. Almost all "single" women are turned off at a married man, unless she is unhappy looking to cheat, just looking for casual encounters, etc but no relationship.

I think the "nice guy" and relationship expectations are going to fade fast here since I got the low-key semi-loving relationship at home. Really feeling the need for the spark, fire of passion, elsewhere even if it means just casual sex.

*sighs* It's an interesting journey, I felt I could not deny T of her relationship with S, so I do not really feel... or as hard as it is to say do not care what she thinks of whoever I find for a relationship, if I do, or whenever I do. At this moment my standards are way lower seeing it may be needed to find someone to accept me in this situation. (unless I lie, which I still refuse to do.)

Sorry to sound like a ranting angry child on here... just the brutal honesty of home life. Pretty much how it's been for years and sadly how it is staying. Aside from brief episodes of kink talking about the possibilities of what may come of polyamory or when T comes back from a date with S.

Find myself thinking how to rearrange our living room and bedroom for my privacy and possibly so we can actually have a few more options for sex *cough* whenever it happens with T so it's something other than just the bed on the floor. Almost anywhere else and someone can walk in on us, LOL. It'd be even safer outside in the covered side drive way of the house, the back yard, in one of the sheds :p it's dark at night, got a solid table and chairs out back and almost no chance of being seen. But the mosquitoes are a pain in every part of the naked body.
 
It'd be even safer outside in the covered side drive way of the house, the back yard, in one of the sheds :p it's dark at night, got a solid table and chairs out back and almost no chance of being seen. But the mosquitoes are a pain in every part of the naked body.

I'm sorry you are feeling that you are in a difficult spot. Many posters here have lamented that it DOES seem easier for poly women than poly men to find potential partners. If you are not averse to casual sex I honestly don't see why that can't be a starting point - as long as you are honest (Yes, I am married. Yes, she is ok with it. Yes, I want sex. Yes, I am really looking for something more, but will settle for sex for now. No, I am NOT okay with participating in cheating.)

But the privacy thing really seems like it can be addressed if you are creative...(I must have missed your living situation - who the hell is wandering about at all hours?)

The bit that I quoted reminds me of a time period when Dude was broken up with his ex but she was still visiting here frequently and I didn't feel comfortable having sex with Dude with her in the house even if she was asleep. MrS suggested a blanket and the great outdoors...Dude rolled with the idea and picked a spot - IN THE DAMN FRONT YARD (seriously? 20+ acres to choose from and you pick one visible from the damn road?!) OTOH - I didn't notice the mosquitoes. Not. One. Damn. Bit.

JaneQ

PS. I'm working on how to be a good "wingman" for my boys if they ever decide to "branch out" - right now my plans are 1.) take them to some poly meetup in a nearby city 2.) take them to some hippy music fest type concerts, flirt with every female in sight and introduce them to my boys 3.) help them write up OKCupid profiles that would attract the type of girls that they think they like (i.e. a profile that I would like - I really have no other basis for comparison)
 
It's my parents, they share our house with their own apartment. However they use our kitchen and main bathroom for showering. They don't wander out often, but my dad works early mornings, so he will walk out in the yard (not through our part), to head out for work.
 
Well personally I'm having way more difficulty with this than I thought I would especially when things start lacking at home :( With home environment, untrained loud pets (barking, shitting and peeing inside, I usually leave it for T and just put up with the smell as am sick of it), lack of privacy (with others in the house) to even "take care of myself" except for whenever T goes to sleep which is between 11pm sometimes till 4am then I have till about 5:30am to cyber, look at porn, etc to take care of my needs before others may wander out into the living room. Without other outlets it's being very difficult not to feel left out, tossed aside. Being angry this morning, came to realize with the date T had with S honestly he had more sex with T (which wasn't much) than I have got in likely over a month LOL.

It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a serious discussion on some of the things you guys need to work on. I know that to those that like to be surrounded by pets,they don't even realize that the smell can be absolutely nauseating to everyone else. Storm, if you think this is a real problem (which it sounds like you do), make sure Glitter knows it and the two of you sit down and figure out a plan of action to fix it. Same goes for more privacy and being more intimate with each other.
 
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