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  #31  
Old 06-24-2020, 02:34 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Thanks for the additional info! I found the harsh responses on this thread puzzling. Selfish? Adolescent? Tantrum? I didn't see any of that. (I'm guessing it's people projecting their own situation onto yours).

Sounds like normal poly conflict resolution and you handled it just fine. I'm still a little puzzled as to why Hubby didn't want Boy staying over...but it doesn't sound like he makes such requests often, so it's fine that you wanted to honor his request this time, since it's unusual. Probably he's just lonely from the COVID situation.

Happy Anniversary!
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  #32  
Old 06-24-2020, 07:45 AM
Kindalosthere Kindalosthere is offline
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I feel a little attacked - I did not say in any way that I find the situation adolescent. I find it contraproductive "(and even a little adolescent)" of AG to proclaim that she will be cranky with Hubby if Day2 isn't supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. She is a grown woman planning to put forth a bad attitude towards a situation she has put herself in by her own decision.

If AG absolutely wants to spend the time with Boy, she can refuse Hubbys request to have the whole weekend and spend time with Boy.
Sometimes we want something from our partner, regardless of how much we already have. Our partners can always choose to comply with what we ask for or to refuse it.
I personally think it is bad form to comply with a request while already expecting (or even planning) to be grumpy about it.
It is your decision. If you agree to something, stand by it. If you can't stand by it, don't agree to it.

If AG told Hubby "Okay, you can have both days of the weekend, but I will sulk and be grumpy the whole second day!" I am sure he will agree that this is absolutely not what he asked for (one extra day happy quality time with her to celebrate their anniversary). So why do that? If she is not gonna honour what he asked for anyway, why even agree? Why not just refuse?
She could just say "Thank you for beeing open about wanting to spend more time with me. I see that this is very important to you, but seeing Boy on Day2 is very important to me. I know myself and I know that I will not be able to enjoy our time together if I am feeling bitterness about having put what is important to me second. Please understand that one happy evening with you would mean way more to me than two bitter/grumpy ones. Maybe you could think about why it is important for you right now to spend more time with me and we can find a way to incorporate some of that into our normal week-day-date?"

Last edited by Kindalosthere; 06-24-2020 at 08:14 AM.
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  #33  
Old 06-24-2020, 11:29 AM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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Yes... Boy lives 1.5 hours away (3 hour round trip). I typically can't see him during the week, because I start work very early in the morning (between 6am-7am) from home, and due to privacy reasons/lack of space - he has to leave BEFORE I clock in. With other responsibilities being what they are, we would get MAYBE 2 hours together then bed then I'd have to kick him out by 6am. Not really a feasible option.
You've all made those choices though. I am sure you have those reasons why you have stuck with those choices but that is you all choosing one thing (like a job) over being closer to each other. Either household could move or you could change how you work to make this less of an issue.

I'm aware that it just might not be feasible given other commitments and goals but that doesn't remove the element of choice. We can't have everything we want. If you choose Lifestyle X, it comes with benefits and disadvantages and limitations. You've chosen to set up home with your husband and child and have a less entangled relationship with your other partner. That means less availability to your other partner in your home as you have to consider your nesting partner's wishes. This is something that became apparent in my polycule during the pandemic. People who were unhappy at how things played out have adjusted to prevent those things reoccurring.

Quote:
We alternate who travels, but he comes to my home more because his schedule is more flexible than mine, he wants to see little girl, and Hubby has community commitments/work at times. Little girl currently can't go to Boy's home because of COVID - he has a high risk housemate who isn't comfortable with a kid there and potentially spreading germs without realizing it. Boy will hide in his room and sanitize as necessary if he sneezes or whatever, a kid won't.
This is a bit like Violet. Violet is my metamour who could not see our shielding hinge because she has room mates. She has room mates because she chose to prioritize her travelling bug over maintaining her own residence and direct funds towards that. Now she has decided to have a small space of her own so she is more able to host and isolate should something like this occur again or continue for a long time. This is what I meant by people in my polycule realizing the real disadvantages of their lifestyle choices and adapting.

Boy (and you) might need to consider whether to pool funds you use for dating etc so he can live alone. Or accept that him housesharing further limits your availability to each other and that is a downside to having a non-nesting relationship with someone who cannot or doesn't want to live alone.

Quote:
The last 2 years, Boy has babysat overnight for my anniversary with Hubby. That has entailed us dropping her off/Boy meeting us somewhere to pick her up if his house was way out of the way between 5pm-6pm. The next day we would pick her up by noon. Boy had to work the next day one year and his housemate kindly agreed to hang with little girl until noon so we could wait until the last minute to check out of our hotel. The other year, Boy took the morning off from work to keep little girl so we could again stay until checkout time. Both years, we brought Boy a nice lunch as a thank you, all ate together, then we headed home when Boy had to go into work.

This is VERY GENEROUS to do for free/as an anniversary gift. Boy does not mind. He offers every year/checks in a month or so in advance to see what the plan is. He does not expect anything in return, since Hubby lets us have kid-free overnights regularly (during quarantine it's been about once a month. During regular life, it is 1-2x a month that I go to Boy's without the kid). The lunches the last couple of years have been our way of saying thank you and giving us a break from the car (we usually drive an hour or so away from Boy's town to stay then it is 1.5 hours back to my town).
Ok. But that's what Boy chooses. As do you and Boy choose not to make thing of your own anniversary. I get that you've not been able to see Boy as much but you've chosen to be in a nesting relationship which somewhat dictates your availability. We are further reminded of these limitations because of the pandemic. Boy has chosen not to live close to you (and vice versa) and chosen to have room mates which brings about limitations on his end. Boy is choosing to still provide childcare for your anniversary.
Quote:
I am NOT throwing a tantrum. Boy stated that he would like to stay Saturday night as well to have some time with me after babysitting Friday night. I told him I would talk to Hubby and make sure he hadn't made plans without telling me . If there's no plans, it is my time to do with as I please, in my mind - anniversary would be over. I do have a firm boundary, though, that if ANYONE in the household is uncomfortable with a guest, then that guest leaves. So, if Hubby doesn't want Boy here, then Boy does not come here. That said, I could be a complete asshole and be like "well, you don't want Boy here, so I'm going to his place instead. See ya!" I'm not doing that
Why not do that? I mean, you haven't seen Boy for some time properly so why not? You're choosing to go with the anniversary weekend. That's not a bad choice but it is a choice. Sometimes all the options have downsides.

I think your rule about guests is a good one. But it isn't a necessary one if you choose to be the only adult in your residence. You've chosen to continue to nest (and procreate) and that is why you need to think about it. If you lived alone, or within reason, as a parent with a child, you could solely dictate when guests arrive.
Quote:
When I brought it up to Hubby, he immediately got defensive and said he wants the whole weekend with me. I asked if he had something he was wanting to do. He got even more defensive and said no. When we don't have plans, we consistently either end up just doing chores or watching tv (minus the time spent playing games and such with little girl). I don't see why I shouldn't get to have Boy here doing chores with us, too, if it is going to be an evening like that, but again... If Hubby doesn't want Boy here then it is Hubby's home too so I already told Boy that we appreciate him babysitting but Saturday night is going to be a recovery/kid focused night so he will need to go home. Boy expressed disappointment but accepted it without issue and is still looking forward to babysitting
.

Just sounds like he wants some time alone with you and your daughter.

Quote:
I went back to Hubby and said I would like to compensate Boy for his efforts since his one request (a night here with me after) was denied. Whether it be a gift or solid plans for a fun weekend another time or whatever. Since Boy is doing this favor for Hubby AND me, I asked for Hubby's input. I have requested lunch in the town we are staying in (a place Hubby and I love but haven't gone to in years), so all of us having lunch together like the last couple of years is not happening. He again got defensive and told me that Boy could stay after all. I declined and said I was just asking for a gesture of goodwill, not trying to change his mind about my bf staying over. At that point, little girl woke up so he changed the subject and has refused to talk about it again since.
I don't get why you went back to ask hubby for this. I can understand you might have needed to arrange childcare, but I feel like owning your choices would look more like you telling him a weekend away is what you might do and you'll let him know more details as you plan them to make sure he is around to look after your daughter. The asking denotes that your time with Boy is at least partially "allowed" by Hubby.

Quote:
Hubby and I have put A LOT of work into our relationship lately. I have struggled with keeping up my sex drive the last few years. He has felt generally distant in response (physical connection is very important to him). With quarantine closing off his other romantic/sexual outlets, we were really forced to look at where our relationship is and took steps to improve it. It has been going GREAT! We are both happier, regularly having dates nights, both of us have initiated sex, etc. I was SO EXCITED for this night away! I don't give a shit about anniversaries. I don't give a shit about the piece of paper that is marriage. I care about Hubby and the commitment I've made to him. The fact that he wanted a fancier anniversary was whatever to me, but when he requested it I had booked a room and researched takeout options in the area within 2 days. I ordered him a gift the same day. I went all in for THAT NIGHT. Because usually? Anniversary is just a hotel without much fanfare. (Note that we usually get a hotel that way we aren't sucked into the usual chores/responsibility crap that happens at home)
Great.

Quote:
I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable in wanting a night with my partner of over 7 years every week, including the week of my anniversary with my husband. I'm not asking for the anniversary to be ignored. But, honestly, at this point it doesn't matter what I asked for, because I already told Boy he isn't staying over.
Ok if you want that you and Boy need to set up your lives to sustain it.

I get the feeling like you want the advantages of a nesting relationship, the advantages of an egalitarian poly relationship and the advantages of a "secondary" relationship without any of the disadvantages. It takes real legwork to get there such as changing how you live or work and making sacrifices in other areas. It might mean making less money to increase your availability to partners for example. You have to figure out what would make you happiest in the long run and gamble on that.

Last edited by SEASONEDpolyAgain; 06-24-2020 at 11:33 AM.
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  #34  
Old 06-24-2020, 02:31 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Seasoned, you consistently rub me the wrong way with your advice to almost every one. I am well aware that my choices have shaped my options.

Hubby works in a very niche field. His career dictates where we live, for the most part, with the limit that I will not move out of weekly visit radius of Boy. Obviously we discuss moves before they happen, but in general I prioritize my nesting partner's satisfaction and joy in life over the convenience of living in the same town of my non-nesting partner. I don't consider living apart from Hubby an option because we have chosen to have a child. I also don't want to live with Boy. We'd drive each other crazy.

Boy can afford to live alone. He prefers not to, so he doesn't have to worry about home safety when he travels, and he is able to not worry about finances at all (including mostly financing all of our dates) due to that money coming in. He would consider moving if Hubby and I were to move out of state or something, but he also has a VERY good job for his field which would be hard to match both in salary and benefits (including actually enjoying going to work. In his 40s, this is the first time he's actually enjoyed his place of employment).

I work the job I do because childcare is ridiculously expensive so this way I am able to keep little girl home with me while I'm working. Hubby and Boy have agreed that this is my best option at the moment and both argue against me finding other employment when I mention it. I love my work, and again... We all prioritize each other's happiness and work to find solutions to scheduling and stuff.

I am not going into the weekend with a cranky attitude. I will be cranky if we end up sitting around doing nothing or doing chores. I told Hubby as much. I am willing and able to give him that second night as well as long as it is actually meaningful and not him ignoring me for his phone or TV.

Believe it or not, I haven't included every single detail of our lives here. Lol

This one night is the first scheduling conflict we have had in YEARS, and it hasn't even really been a conflict. Hubby and Boy just wanted the same time. Hubby rarely asks for things for personal reasons so I gave the time to him. No one is upset or acting out. I WILL be disappointed if Hubby ends up too tired or uninterested in doing something fun on Saturday, but I'm not interested in spending 2 nights in a row away from my kid so I wouldn't be going to Boy's that night anyway AND I've told Hubby as much so as long as I remind him again closer to that weekend he will pull out a game or something to play together.

Boy's birthday falls on a Friday later in the year, so that will be the perfect opportunity for him to get 2 nights in a row too, if he wants. Just realized that yesterday.
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  #35  
Old 06-25-2020, 12:30 AM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Seasoned, you consistently rub me the wrong way with your advice to almost every one. I am well aware that my choices have shaped my options.

Hubby works in a very niche field. His career dictates where we live, for the most part, with the limit that I will not move out of weekly visit radius of Boy. Obviously we discuss moves before they happen, but in general I prioritize my nesting partner's satisfaction and joy in life over the convenience of living in the same town of my non-nesting partner. I don't consider living apart from Hubby an option because we have chosen to have a child. I also don't want to live with Boy. We'd drive each other crazy.

Boy can afford to live alone. He prefers not to, so he doesn't have to worry about home safety when he travels, and he is able to not worry about finances at all (including mostly financing all of our dates) due to that money coming in. He would consider moving if Hubby and I were to move out of state or something, but he also has a VERY good job for his field which would be hard to match both in salary and benefits (including actually enjoying going to work. In his 40s, this is the first time he's actually enjoyed his place of employment).

I work the job I do because childcare is ridiculously expensive so this way I am able to keep little girl home with me while I'm working. Hubby and Boy have agreed that this is my best option at the moment and both argue against me finding other employment when I mention it. I love my work, and again... We all prioritize each other's happiness and work to find solutions to scheduling and stuff.

I am not going into the weekend with a cranky attitude. I will be cranky if we end up sitting around doing nothing or doing chores. I told Hubby as much. I am willing and able to give him that second night as well as long as it is actually meaningful and not him ignoring me for his phone or TV.

Believe it or not, I haven't included every single detail of our lives here. Lol

This one night is the first scheduling conflict we have had in YEARS, and it hasn't even really been a conflict. Hubby and Boy just wanted the same time. Hubby rarely asks for things for personal reasons so I gave the time to him. No one is upset or acting out. I WILL be disappointed if Hubby ends up too tired or uninterested in doing something fun on Saturday, but I'm not interested in spending 2 nights in a row away from my kid so I wouldn't be going to Boy's that night anyway AND I've told Hubby as much so as long as I remind him again closer to that weekend he will pull out a game or something to play together.

Boy's birthday falls on a Friday later in the year, so that will be the perfect opportunity for him to get 2 nights in a row too, if he wants. Just realized that yesterday.
1) you started this thread asking advice/opinions
2) I covered everything you said:

"I'm aware that it just might not be feasible given other commitments and goals but that doesn't remove the element of choice. We can't have everything we want. If you choose Lifestyle X, it comes with benefits and disadvantages and limitations. You've chosen to set up home with your husband and child and have a less entangled relationship with your other partner. That means less availability to your other partner in your home as you have to consider your nesting partner's wishes. This is something that became apparent in my polycule during the pandemic. People who were unhappy at how things played out have adjusted to prevent those things reoccurring."

"Boy (and you) might need to consider whether to pool funds you use for dating etc so he can live alone. Or accept that him housesharing further limits your availability to each other and that is a downside to having a non-nesting relationship with someone who cannot or doesn't want to live alone."

"Why not do that? I mean, you haven't seen Boy for some time properly so why not? You're choosing to go with the anniversary weekend. That's not a bad choice but it is a choice. Sometimes all the options have downsides.

I think your rule about guests is a good one. But it isn't a necessary one if you choose to be the only adult in your residence. You've chosen to continue to nest (and procreate) and that is why you need to think about it. If you lived alone, or within reason, as a parent with a child, you could solely dictate when guests arrive."

The essence of my advice was that if you do not like these disadvantages, change to other disadvantages. I wonder why that rubs you the wrong way?
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  #36  
Old 06-25-2020, 01:53 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Oh I thought it was pretty clear. Both hubby and I had bigger ideas / plans that weren't appreciated or didnít work in their master plan or their master vision. Itís basically a difference of opinion and how people think and see these sort of occasions.
Yes, but at the same time, both of you sort of sprung it on them, right? I mean OP and hubby made plans for a one night anniversary celebration. To fault OP for making plans after that is ludicrous because life goes on after one date, celebration, or whatever. Maybe there would have been no problem if hubby had made it clear up front he wanted the whole weekend. Instead he got mad because he made plans for only one night and assumed she would be on board for the next night without even asking.

In your case, I don't see that she was complaining about the time because she was rushing back to someone else. It just sounds like she didn't want to stay out too late.

I can see how this could be disappointing. Instead of blaming someone, learn from it and communicate and plan better.
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Old 06-25-2020, 11:13 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
Yes, but at the same time, both of you sort of sprung it on them, right? I mean OP and hubby made plans for a one night anniversary celebration. To fault OP for making plans after that is ludicrous because life goes on after one date, celebration, or whatever. Maybe there would have been no problem if hubby had made it clear up front he wanted the whole weekend. Instead he got mad because he made plans for only one night and assumed she would be on board for the next night without even asking.

In your case, I don't see that she was complaining about the time because she was rushing back to someone else. It just sounds like she didn't want to stay out too late.

I can see how this could be disappointing. Instead of blaming someone, learn from it and communicate and plan better.
I guess that depends on your definition of sprung? In my case I think I called and floated the idea on Monday mid morning for the following Friday evening and I gave her complete flexibility or autonomy on where or how to celebrate and she quickly and maybe even cheerfully said I don’t care YOU pick the place.

In the other case I reread the op and associated posts and I think there anniversary event hasn’t even occurred yet so maybe the thread has been open longer than the number of days from my phone call to the actual date night. But still back to your point. It sounds like he did spring the weekend idea on her after she was lining up the other logistical components to the weekend which was child care. BUT it doesn’t sound last moment.


I didn’t fault her for making plans. I clearly said she should say NO if her heart and mind weren’t going to be in it.

In my case I’m pretty sure I said my wife’s issue was not wanting to be out til almost midnight. I never said or implied she was rushing back for someone else.
She didn’t ...or I should say she was at home upstairs in our bedroom. She could have been online or FaceTiming I have no way of knowing. But truthfully I think she went to bed.

When I posted the comment you sited it was in an effort to show that what anniversary means to person in a couple is different. DIRECTLY after my post AG posted saying she doesn’t give a shit about anniversary and or the legal idea / aspects of marriage and just liked the idea of a hotel night away. She wasn’t in it marking the date and the yrs she was in for the hotel and Carry out. My wife at that time probably agreed thinking it was the PC thing to do ...looking at the calendar and knowing she was going to be out the night before and how would that look...and hey dinner one less thing to think about when she got home anyway. Same thing Hey nice dinner out ...why not. I DID LEARN FROM IT.

I’m not sure I could have communicated or planned better when someone says you pick and you decide for a Friday night date knowing people won’t be going to work the next day. Knowing our history and her history not in a million yrs would I have anticipated that being out “ too” late to be a big deal....or the car ride a would be a big deal. A lot of people would have killed for a chance to go there on such short notice but whatever. It saved me 4-500 bucks...maybe more with wine. Does this help ...I eat fast at the Chinese place to get out quick and get her home

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-25-2020 at 11:19 AM.
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  #38  
Old 06-30-2020, 04:27 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Alright, so anniversary is still a couple of weeks away, but Hubby and Boy were being weird this weekend and I found out why Hubby was so against Boy staying over the night after...

Because they were trying to surprise me with a camping "trip" (on property owned by Boy's family about 2 miles from my house) the rest of the weekend. I was cleaning the garage when Boy expressed too much interest in where I keep the camping supplies. Hubby then made another comment that made me ask when he was thinking we would feel comfortable going to a campground. They gave up the secret and admitted they were trying to make sure I didn't have to do any of the planning. Since it's so close to home if anything got messed up, we would have just come back. Lol

I showed them where stuff is and now they're both very excited to brag about what they've done.

I've said it before... I'm lucky to have these two. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve such loving partners who constantly go out of their way to do things for me.
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  #39  
Old 06-30-2020, 05:11 AM
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Ahaha what a great surprise!! And a hilarious resolution to this whole puzzle.

Reminds me of a story I heard about my grandma. My granddad was planning a surprise party at lunchtime. In the morning he thought it would be funny to pretend to have forgotten her bday altogether. My grandma dropped hints about the day but he feigned ignorance. Nana got so mad she left the house and they didn't know where she'd gone (this being pre cellphone time). So... Food arrives, guests arrive, no Nana. Couple of hours after scheduled start, my grandad decides to start the party without her. So guests start eating the food etc... She comes back then and gets angry the party was happening at home when she was off in a huff! She wasn't the easiest person to love. Good thing you are Hope you can stay handsoff with the organisation now that you know. What a lovely treat
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Old 06-30-2020, 05:48 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh for heaven's sake! Much ado about nothing!
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