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  #21  
Old 06-23-2020, 01:32 PM
Inaniel Inaniel is offline
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Originally Posted by Evie View Post
That's your idea of negotiation?

Eek.
For real...

I hear a lot of selfishness and excuse making in this thread.
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  #22  
Old 06-23-2020, 03:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by Evie View Post
That's your idea of negotiation?

Eek.
Actually yes. But my point or points are simple. It’s her anniversary too and the mantra here is always been you can ask for time or something you need but don’t automatically expect your request To be granted. And 2) he needed to negotiate better for the entire weekend if that’s such a big deal for him.

For instance ....they book the room in Bf’s city and the 3 of them hike there ...drop the kid off at his place...go “ celebrate “ in a hotel there ..pick up kid in the morning, maybe take the bf/ babysitter out to breakfast and then drive back as a family maybe stopping along the way to do some family thing.

I dont think the guy was a squeaky wheel for asking for an anniversary weekend.

However she sees the anniversary day/night/thing and is looking right past that to her next encounter with her BF. AND more importantly predicts being cranking and or upset if it doesn’t go her way. TO ME a at that point it’s a why fucking bother then....just say NO.

This sort of happened to me although it wasn’t an anniversary weekend it was just a dinner and a supposed night out. I called and asked if she’d like to go out to dinner for our anniversary. She said sure I said is there any place or style of food you’d like ....NO you pick it. Anniversary day comes we get in the car. I jump on the expressway heading north she all of sudden gets real concerned as to where we’re going. I said you said surprise me ...sit back you’ll see. Anyway she demanded to know where ...it was a 4 or 5 star restaurant in a far northern suburb about 40 minutes away from our home. I had to call a friend of mine who lived next to the owner to get us in. All of a sudden she started doing the math on the time....we’re not going to get home until 11:30 or midnight...NO way I’m too tied from my week. That week included her coming home after 2 the night before from a date. So I turned around and we went to a local Chinese place and was back home in under hr 1/2. And I took the dogs for a long walk.

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-23-2020 at 04:31 PM.
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  #23  
Old 06-23-2020, 03:40 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

This sort of happened to me although it wasn’t an anniversary weekend it was just a dinner and a supposed night out. I called and asked if she’d like to go out to dinner for our anniversary. She said sure I said is there any place or style of food you’d like ....NO you pick it. Anniversary day comes we get in the car. I jump on the expressway heading north she all of sudden gets real concerned as to where we’re going. I said you said surprise me ...sit back you’ll see. Anyway she demanded to know where ...it was a 4 or 5 star restaurant in a far northern suburb about 40 minutes away from our home. I had to call a friend of mine who lived next to the owner to get us in. All of a sudden she started doing the math on the time....we’re not going to get home until 11:30 or midnight...NO way I’m too tied from my week. That week included her coming home after 2 the night before from a date. So I turned around and we went to a local Chinese place and was back home in under hr 1/2. And I took the dogs for a long walk.
That's a good example of what it's like to not be a priority in a poly situation I can see that was very hurtful.

I don't really see an analogy to this situation though. OP has two relationships that she's trying to balance fairly...and it's not totally clear what would be fair here!
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  #24  
Old 06-23-2020, 04:28 PM
Inaniel Inaniel is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
However she sees the anniversary day/night/thing and is looking right past that to her next encounter with her BF. AND more importantly predicts being cranking and or upset if it doesn’t go her way. TO ME a at that point it’s a why fucking bother then....just say NO.
Or OP could grow up and not throw a tantrum about it. When three adults are sharing a life together someone is bound to be disappointed from time to time. But I think you identified the real issue. OP didn't even ask BF if he was okay with leaving right after babysitting. It isn't about what BF wants or what her husband wants, it is about what she wants.. She sees right through the anniversary to her next encounter with him. I get it, I have spent anniversaries with my wife with intrusive thoughts about others. I can be an adult about it because it is important to me that I show my wife how special she is to me; even when I want to be having animal sex with someone else...

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
This sort of happened to me although it wasn’t an anniversary weekend it was just a dinner and a supposed night out. I called and asked if she’d like to go out to dinner for our anniversary. She said sure I said is there any place or style of food you’d like ....NO you pick it. Anniversary day comes we get in the car. I jump on the expressway heading north she all of sudden gets real concerned as to where we’re going. I said you said surprise me ...sit back you’ll see. Anyway she demanded to know where ...it was a 4 or 5 star restaurant in a far northern suburb about 40 minutes away from our home. I had to call a friend of mine who lived next to the owner to get us in. All of a sudden she started doing the math on the time....we’re not going to get home until 11:30 or midnight...NO way I’m too tied from my week. That week included her coming home after 2 the night before from a date. So I turned around and we went to a local Chinese place and was back home in under hr 1/2. And I took the dogs for a long walk.
OP has the opportunity to clearly define expectations for BF prior to the anniversary weekend. Your partner clearly failed to do that...
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  #25  
Old 06-23-2020, 04:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
That's a good example of what it's like to not be a priority in a poly situation I can see that was very hurtful.

I don't really see an analogy to this situation though. OP has two relationships that she's trying to balance fairly...and it's not totally clear what would be fair here!
Oh I thought it was pretty clear. Both hubby and I had bigger ideas / plans that weren't appreciated or didn’t work in their master plan or their master vision. It’s basically a difference of opinion and how people think and see these sort of occasions.

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-23-2020 at 04:45 PM.
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  #26  
Old 06-23-2020, 05:01 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by Inaniel View Post
Or OP could grow up and not throw a tantrum about it. When three adults are sharing a life together someone is bound to be disappointed from time to time. But I think you identified the real issue. OP didn't even ask BF if he was okay with leaving right after babysitting. It isn't about what BF wants or what her husband wants, it is about what she wants.. She sees right through the anniversary to her next encounter with him. I get it, I have spent anniversaries with my wife with intrusive thoughts about others. I can be an adult about it because it is important to me that I show my wife how special she is to me; even when I want to be having animal sex with someone else...
To be fair I don’t think anyone is throwing tantrums...she’s merely expressing her preference or preferences.

And what’s more honest having set time and expectations or going through the motions and faking to give the appearance of something special ?

Quote:
OP has the opportunity to clearly define expectations for BF prior to the anniversary weekend. Your partner clearly failed to do that...

I think my wife did very much the same thing you’ve done by excepting the invitation to the anniversary Dinner/ date and then lost her ability to faking it the rest of the way because she was “ worn” down by her grueling week. I think her expectations changed. And I see the op’s bf and my wife’s expectations as being way different but I could be missing something.
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  #27  
Old 06-23-2020, 06:19 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Ok... To clarify my actual situation.

Yes... Boy lives 1.5 hours away (3 hour round trip). I typically can't see him during the week, because I start work very early in the morning (between 6am-7am) from home, and due to privacy reasons/lack of space - he has to leave BEFORE I clock in. With other responsibilities being what they are, we would get MAYBE 2 hours together then bed then I'd have to kick him out by 6am. Not really a feasible option. So, we see each other either Fridays or Saturdays, spend the night, and head home the next afternoon. We alternate who travels, but he comes to my home more because his schedule is more flexible than mine, he wants to see little girl, and Hubby has community commitments/work at times. Little girl currently can't go to Boy's home because of COVID - he has a high risk housemate who isn't comfortable with a kid there and potentially spreading germs without realizing it. Boy will hide in his room and sanitize as necessary if he sneezes or whatever, a kid won't.

The last 2 years, Boy has babysat overnight for my anniversary with Hubby. That has entailed us dropping her off/Boy meeting us somewhere to pick her up if his house was way out of the way between 5pm-6pm. The next day we would pick her up by noon. Boy had to work the next day one year and his housemate kindly agreed to hang with little girl until noon so we could wait until the last minute to check out of our hotel. The other year, Boy took the morning off from work to keep little girl so we could again stay until checkout time. Both years, we brought Boy a nice lunch as a thank you, all ate together, then we headed home when Boy had to go into work.

This is VERY GENEROUS to do for free/as an anniversary gift. Boy does not mind. He offers every year/checks in a month or so in advance to see what the plan is. He does not expect anything in return, since Hubby lets us have kid-free overnights regularly (during quarantine it's been about once a month. During regular life, it is 1-2x a month that I go to Boy's without the kid). The lunches the last couple of years have been our way of saying thank you and giving us a break from the car (we usually drive an hour or so away from Boy's town to stay then it is 1.5 hours back to my town).

I am NOT throwing a tantrum. Boy stated that he would like to stay Saturday night as well to have some time with me after babysitting Friday night. I told him I would talk to Hubby and make sure he hadn't made plans without telling me . If there's no plans, it is my time to do with as I please, in my mind - anniversary would be over. I do have a firm boundary, though, that if ANYONE in the household is uncomfortable with a guest, then that guest leaves. So, if Hubby doesn't want Boy here, then Boy does not come here. That said, I could be a complete asshole and be like "well, you don't want Boy here, so I'm going to his place instead. See ya!" I'm not doing that.

When I brought it up to Hubby, he immediately got defensive and said he wants the whole weekend with me. I asked if he had something he was wanting to do. He got even more defensive and said no. When we don't have plans, we consistently either end up just doing chores or watching tv (minus the time spent playing games and such with little girl). I don't see why I shouldn't get to have Boy here doing chores with us, too, if it is going to be an evening like that, but again... If Hubby doesn't want Boy here then it is Hubby's home too so I already told Boy that we appreciate him babysitting but Saturday night is going to be a recovery/kid focused night so he will need to go home. Boy expressed disappointment but accepted it without issue and is still looking forward to babysitting.

I went back to Hubby and said I would like to compensate Boy for his efforts since his one request (a night here with me after) was denied. Whether it be a gift or solid plans for a fun weekend another time or whatever. Since Boy is doing this favor for Hubby AND me, I asked for Hubby's input. I have requested lunch in the town we are staying in (a place Hubby and I love but haven't gone to in years), so all of us having lunch together like the last couple of years is not happening. He again got defensive and told me that Boy could stay after all. I declined and said I was just asking for a gesture of goodwill, not trying to change his mind about my bf staying over. At that point, little girl woke up so he changed the subject and has refused to talk about it again since.

Hubby and I have put A LOT of work into our relationship lately. I have struggled with keeping up my sex drive the last few years. He has felt generally distant in response (physical connection is very important to him). With quarantine closing off his other romantic/sexual outlets, we were really forced to look at where our relationship is and took steps to improve it. It has been going GREAT! We are both happier, regularly having dates nights, both of us have initiated sex, etc. I was SO EXCITED for this night away! I don't give a shit about anniversaries. I don't give a shit about the piece of paper that is marriage. I care about Hubby and the commitment I've made to him. The fact that he wanted a fancier anniversary was whatever to me, but when he requested it I had booked a room and researched takeout options in the area within 2 days. I ordered him a gift the same day. I went all in for THAT NIGHT. Because usually? Anniversary is just a hotel without much fanfare. (Note that we usually get a hotel that way we aren't sucked into the usual chores/responsibility crap that happens at home)

I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable in wanting a night with my partner of over 7 years every week, including the week of my anniversary with my husband. I'm not asking for the anniversary to be ignored. But, honestly, at this point it doesn't matter what I asked for, because I already told Boy he isn't staying over.

Hubby has also made zero plans for the anniversary weekend. So far - no gift, no input on the meal options I sent him (other than agreeing to the lunch so I've made reservations), no input on the drink ideas I sent him, nothing. There's time for the food/drinks, but at this point all the themed gift stuff that he was saying we should do (which I acted on quickly because it's special order) is no longer an option. So I'll get a regular gift, maybe? Idk. He'll love his gift, though, and gifts are more important to him so that'll work out fine. I also dug out some things from out wedding to take because I thought it would be cute.

So, please don't tell me I'm acting like a child. I have put tons more effort into this night than I ever have for an anniversary. I genuinely want him to enjoy the night, because (surprise!) I love him. I can be frustrated with him and curious if I was being disrespectful for asking for a night with Boy while also planning something awesome.

The fact that people responding are of different opinions shows that Hubby and I both have valid points, which is good - neither of us is being unreasonable. And yes, he knows I post online and used to read here until we decided I could post here without worrying about him reading it and he could post to reddit without worrying about me reading it. We share responses from time to time and will ask for updates occasionally, but we respect each others privacy and desire to get outside input sometimes.
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  #28  
Old 06-23-2020, 08:40 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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AG, I want to apologize if I said anything to bother or offend you. I absolutely don't think you are acting like a child. It's obvious you are putting a great deal of effort into making this event special for (you and) Hubby, even though you are not getting your first choice of spending the second night with Boy.
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  #29  
Old 06-23-2020, 08:48 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
AG, I want to apologize if I said anything to bother or offend you. I absolutely don't think you are acting like a child. It's obvious you are putting a great deal of effort into making this event special for (you and) Hubby, even though you are not getting your first choice of spending the second night with Boy.
Kevin, you are always very polite. Other people said "adolescent" and "tantrum" so I thought I would add more info.

Honestly I posted out of general curiosity to see how other people do/would approach this and am not upset at all by the responses.
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  #30  
Old 06-23-2020, 09:00 PM
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Thank you for saying that, I can see why you posted.
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