kettlingur
New member
Hi there! My name is Kris. I've lurked here and there on the forum for a bit now and decided to finally join and join in!
A little about me and my relationships:
I'm partnered/married to my wonderful mate Shawn of 6 years. She and I were each others first loves and have been through many ups and downs together. I've always know I was nonmonogamous but did not fair well in expressing those needs and wants the way I should have in the beginning of our relationship. This led to an emotional affair which became somewhat physical before she found out. I almost lost her over it. Since then we have worked out a lot of things and have been poly in one way or another for the last 3 or 4 years or so. We have tried it where it was only sex, either casual or with close friends, but noticed that it was lacking the deep emotional connection and bond we are both capable of creating and both desire with others outside of our marriage.
So then came my first real relationship with a secondary partner, B. She ended up causing a great deal of discord in my relationship with Shawn, pitting one of us against the other, lying, cheating on me with a close friend, manipulating me into giving her more and more time and attention until my primary relationship was on the verge of breaking. After several tortuous months I finally broke it off altogether and for a long time was content to focus solely on my marriage.
But before long those same needs for poly resurfaced again for both of us. This time it was she who took another lover, Rose. Rose lives with a married poly couple as an arm of a vee with the husband being the hinge. They are a wonderful couple and we have all become close friends with their relationship proving to be very informative and encouraging (the married couple, Logan and Dawn, have been together 12 years and Logan has been with Rose for the last 6 months but has had many other successful relationships during his marriage-- Dawn is mono but very supportive). Rose and Shawn have been together about 4 months now and I could not be happier for Shawn to have found someone else to love and to love her. I have never been one for jealousy and very much believe in and practice compersion in my relationships. Rose and I have become close friends and I am hoping to have her in our family for a long, long time.
The biggest trouble we are having right now is with my newest relationship, which is literally tearing us apart. I met Jase a little over two months ago at a local fetish group. Originally we had only planned to be play partners and keep things casual as he is married and was not looking for any kind of emotional relationship at the time. Very, very quickly things progressed into a full blown I-love-you-and-can't-live-without-you situation. And without ever intending to or even realizing that's what was happening at the time I suddenly had a second primary relationship.
Shawn is not okay with this. Not thinking I would ever find anyone I loved as much as or more than Shawn I had assured her I was only looking for either sex, casual dating, or a completely secondary relationship with her as the only primary. This idea very quickly got thrown out the window when I met Jase. I love him more and more everyday and our bond has grown at such an impressive speed and amount that it's almost unsettling for us, let alone Shawn watching from the outside. She is ready to walk, unable to cope with seeing me love another so fully and intensely.
I am now at a loss. I want so badly to keep my marriage *and* my new relationship but I feel like we are never gonna get to a point that Shawn can be comfortable sharing me so completely. Reading some of the success stories on here has helped a lot with keeping my hope alive but I am very afraid I will have to choose between them. And although rationally my brain tells me it's an easy choice-- your six year marriage over your fledgling two month relationship with a married man. But my heart can not bear to let him go...
To complicate matters even more the man I had the affair with in the beginning of our relationship is still a big part of my life and holds a large part of my heart. We tell each other we love each other (in a more than friends kind of way) and have been intimate several times over the years when our lives have allowed for us to be together. Shawn has slowly come to terms with my love for him and has accepted the fact that he is a part of our lives. He just married a completely monogamous woman however and she is severely restricting any contact I am allowed with him, even just as friends. I am feeling his loss keenly on top of the stresses with Shawn and Jase and my mourning and longing for him is not going over well in my current relationships.
I have much to consider. I truly just want to be able to love who I love freely and openly and share in my lovers' joys in their other relationships as well. I want so badly for everything to work out. Hopefully these forums will help me in my struggles and decisions.
ket
A little about me and my relationships:
I'm partnered/married to my wonderful mate Shawn of 6 years. She and I were each others first loves and have been through many ups and downs together. I've always know I was nonmonogamous but did not fair well in expressing those needs and wants the way I should have in the beginning of our relationship. This led to an emotional affair which became somewhat physical before she found out. I almost lost her over it. Since then we have worked out a lot of things and have been poly in one way or another for the last 3 or 4 years or so. We have tried it where it was only sex, either casual or with close friends, but noticed that it was lacking the deep emotional connection and bond we are both capable of creating and both desire with others outside of our marriage.
So then came my first real relationship with a secondary partner, B. She ended up causing a great deal of discord in my relationship with Shawn, pitting one of us against the other, lying, cheating on me with a close friend, manipulating me into giving her more and more time and attention until my primary relationship was on the verge of breaking. After several tortuous months I finally broke it off altogether and for a long time was content to focus solely on my marriage.
But before long those same needs for poly resurfaced again for both of us. This time it was she who took another lover, Rose. Rose lives with a married poly couple as an arm of a vee with the husband being the hinge. They are a wonderful couple and we have all become close friends with their relationship proving to be very informative and encouraging (the married couple, Logan and Dawn, have been together 12 years and Logan has been with Rose for the last 6 months but has had many other successful relationships during his marriage-- Dawn is mono but very supportive). Rose and Shawn have been together about 4 months now and I could not be happier for Shawn to have found someone else to love and to love her. I have never been one for jealousy and very much believe in and practice compersion in my relationships. Rose and I have become close friends and I am hoping to have her in our family for a long, long time.
The biggest trouble we are having right now is with my newest relationship, which is literally tearing us apart. I met Jase a little over two months ago at a local fetish group. Originally we had only planned to be play partners and keep things casual as he is married and was not looking for any kind of emotional relationship at the time. Very, very quickly things progressed into a full blown I-love-you-and-can't-live-without-you situation. And without ever intending to or even realizing that's what was happening at the time I suddenly had a second primary relationship.
Shawn is not okay with this. Not thinking I would ever find anyone I loved as much as or more than Shawn I had assured her I was only looking for either sex, casual dating, or a completely secondary relationship with her as the only primary. This idea very quickly got thrown out the window when I met Jase. I love him more and more everyday and our bond has grown at such an impressive speed and amount that it's almost unsettling for us, let alone Shawn watching from the outside. She is ready to walk, unable to cope with seeing me love another so fully and intensely.
I am now at a loss. I want so badly to keep my marriage *and* my new relationship but I feel like we are never gonna get to a point that Shawn can be comfortable sharing me so completely. Reading some of the success stories on here has helped a lot with keeping my hope alive but I am very afraid I will have to choose between them. And although rationally my brain tells me it's an easy choice-- your six year marriage over your fledgling two month relationship with a married man. But my heart can not bear to let him go...
To complicate matters even more the man I had the affair with in the beginning of our relationship is still a big part of my life and holds a large part of my heart. We tell each other we love each other (in a more than friends kind of way) and have been intimate several times over the years when our lives have allowed for us to be together. Shawn has slowly come to terms with my love for him and has accepted the fact that he is a part of our lives. He just married a completely monogamous woman however and she is severely restricting any contact I am allowed with him, even just as friends. I am feeling his loss keenly on top of the stresses with Shawn and Jase and my mourning and longing for him is not going over well in my current relationships.
I have much to consider. I truly just want to be able to love who I love freely and openly and share in my lovers' joys in their other relationships as well. I want so badly for everything to work out. Hopefully these forums will help me in my struggles and decisions.
ket