Starting my poly life

Today's news have nothing to do with poly, but they're good news for me and my future.

I have been struggling to find jobs as a translator, and a few years back I had started a project of translating a few webcomics. But each one of them failed one after the other for various reasons, and at the time I was stressed out about a lot of things, then we moved to Canada and I was a bit depressed... in short while I thought about it a lot I never did much about it.

Well since leaving Canada I started working on it all again. Since May I have been updating one comic three times a week, hosted on its own website, and it's good for my portfolio, but it's also not really getting any hits.

But today I had a talk about another of these projects, and the author wants to give it another try. It's different in that he'd host the translation on his website, which means more people seeing it, and the comic is more famous as well. On top of that, it's got hundreds of pages, which means hundreds of pages to add to my portfolio (the other one I'm currently updating is a total of 90 pages and a single story, which is good to show I can finish things, but much shorter and less impressive).

It's for webcomics so I'm not being paid (the original authors aren't making money either after all) unless it gets printed and sold in French, in which case I'd get something. But mostly, it's actual work (I haven't had a "real" job for years, everything I did was on the side without anyone to respond to) and also it's going to fill my portfolio which has been rather empty.
I'm hoping to get more official gigs this way. The goal is to be able to find a job once I'm in the US for good, and the more experience and reputation I have by then, the better.
 
Possibly super duper good news. Seamus might be able to visit for a week or two in October.

He was planning in June to come in September, but then his mom lost her job and it became obvious he wouldn't be able to afford it. Then he got a raise and he could afford the ticket, but not the stay. Then my mom broke up with my dad (oh yeah, I didn't tell you guys about that) and left, and I contacted my dad again to support him after not talking to him for years, and he said he's got extra rooms all over the place and I'm more than welcome to keep it company, and it became conceivable that Seamus and I would have a place to stay together...
For the record, I'm sharing a one bedroom with a friend of close to 15 years, but while we can make it work with the two of us, it wouldn't be possible at all for a third person. For one thing, the one bed (where I'm sleeping) is smaller than Seamus is, and the couch is bigger but in the living room we wouldn't get any privacy (it's linked to the kitchen and hall).

Anyways, I'm ecstatic. But at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up too high, he was supposed to be able to make it before and then it fell apart, that could happen again.

Still, I really hope it can happen. If he can't make it, I might not get to see him in person for a year, depending on whether I'm allowed to travel while I'm applying for a visa to the US. Often when you apply from another country, you're not allowed to enter the country in the meantime, and getting a visa takes 6 to 8 months according to our sources, and we can only start when I'm officially divorced in January at the earliest.

It's weird. I know October is far. But just knowing that we might see then makes everything easier, less depressing, less hard. It's definitely something we both need, getting to see each other a little bit in the middle of being apart for a long time. I really hope it does happen.
 
So it turns out at this time it's still too expensive for Seamus to make the trip. He might be able to afford one seat but he needs to buy two (because he's big) and can't afford that.

I took an appointment with the US embassy in France to see if I could get a tourist visa to spend a bit of time in the US before the divorce is finalised. The appointment is in August, I'll let you know how it goes. The main problem is having to prove I intent to go back to France. I do, but how do I prove it? They say a job or property would be good ways too, but I don't have either. I want to go back to France because I want to do things right and legally, and I have no tangible proof of that, really.
A friend suggested I register for a course, problem is they start in September until May, so I'd be living in the middle of the course, which makes it hard to argue it's my incentive to come back.

I'm thinking of maybe mentioning getting back to France to divorce, or to vote for the upcoming election in 2012... But I'm kind of out of ideas at this point.

Speaking of the divorce, Raga got home from his month-long vacation yesterday, and he wanted to wait until his return to deal with the divorce stuff, so hopefully it won't be long now before everything is taken care of, paperwork-wise (we'll still need to wait until December before the divorce is official).
 
Got a big check-up with a doctor since I hadn't gone in years. Also had some bloodwork done. It's all normal range except my good cholesterol which is a bit low at 0.42g/L when the minimum is 0.45g/L.
My TSH is perfectly normal and so is my iron, which is good because I stopped taking my thyroid medication two years ago, which was pretty stupid, and hadn't gone back to a doctor since because I was abroad. As for the iron it was too low, and then I got a copper IUD and became vegetarian, both of which I had been told would lower my iron, so I expected it to be at an all-time low, and instead it's ten times what it used to be.

Other tests included liver and kidney stuff and bloodcell count and size and all were normal too.

It's really good because that means not having to take along meds when I go see Seamus, and not having to limit the amount of time I can spend based on how much medication I'm allowed to purchase all at once. Of course being healthy is also generally good.
 
Seamus went ahead and bought a single coach ticket despite his size. It's going to be extremely uncomfortable for him (he's 6'6" and a big guy) but that means we'll get to spend ten days together in October :D

I'm very excited. I want to show him around Paris, the places where I used to go as a kid, my old schools, etc. I also want my friends to have the opportunity to meet him, as he works so much he won't be able to make the trip often.

It's so weird... it seems like life so often shifts from high to low and then the other way. Right now things seem to click into place (I got offers for translations, although unpaid but still really good for my portfolio, I'll get to see Seamus before the end of the year, I'm healthy and Raga should have sent the divorce stuff by now). And some other times it's the opposite and it feels everything that could go wrong does.
But what makes me happy is how we can go through the bad times and end up closer and loving each other more. I think that's how you can tell when you're part of a strong relationship.
 
So, I wanted to wait until giving this update, here we go...

First, the past week was the most stressful week I have had in my life. I would start crying randomly without being able to stop. This week is a bit better. In the meantime I saw a doctor and I'm going to see a psychiatrist starting in September.

I've been under some stress non stop since getting back in France. I'd hear about new debts from before leaving for Canada regularly, I had the issue with welfare that required me to explain my lack of alimony, I had an appointment with the Consulate (today) and a list of things to prepare that was pretty long, and many remarks and comments ("even if you get the visa there is no guarantee you'll be allowed in the territory, you may be sent back at your cost", "if you forget one thing you'll be turned back", "if we refuse to give you a visa we keep the 140 bucks", "if you're found to lie you might be refused visas to the US forever"...)
Then I ended up finding a new place to live, and needing lots of paperwork for THAT too, as well as money, then on top of that I haven't found any paying job...

But was completely freaked me out last week is when I contacted Raga. When I asked in late May or maybe early June about sending the paperwork, he said he'd do it upon his return on the 15th of July. Seamus was really worried then, but I reassured him that of course Raga would do it.
On the 17th or so I sent an email with the paperwork and stuff so he wouldn't have to find it himself, and he said he'd send it the next day.
Then after a week I asked how it was going and he said he'd do it later that day. Since then I've had no news.
Sadly, the more he says he'll do it later the scarier it gets. He said work had been too busy to mail a letter (that I had typed out to him, just needed to copy a few lines and sign and mail it). The letter isn't part of the divorce paperwork, it's so I can get back money I gave to him when we got married since he kept the money in Canada and I was to get the money in France as per our separation agreement.

Now, his work is every other day. Even if for some reason he worked every day he must have had time to shop, and I've seen him play games on Steam and such. So he most definitely had the time. I know it's a lie. It's not a matter of time. It's a matter of not being bothered to do it.

And it terrifies me. All of my problems revolve around having no money and not being divorced yet. He holds a key to both of them (although I'm trying to get money through other means as well) and isn't doing anything, and there is nothing I can do.
I'm usually in control. I hate not being in control. When there is something to do I want it over and done with. When I have an appointment I'll show up early and wait rather than risk missing it. If I need to wait I'd rather wait where the appointment is going to be than wait at home. And to some extent I felt more comfortable with taking a 24 hour ride to Vancouver than a plane flight because for the same arrival time I was on the way earlier. If something messed up I had done all I could do.

So everything in me wants to mail the paperwork. But I've contacted lawyers in France and Canada and they both say I cannot. It needs to be him. And he's not doing it. And there is nothing I can do to make him do it.

I'm terrified. I want to be divorced. I don't want to be married to him. I want closure, I want it to be over. Once the Canadian part is done I'll need several more months to get it recognised in France. And only then can I apply to get a fiancé visa to the US to get together with Seamus, which would take 6-8 months.
But... I wanted to be divorced in the meantime. I wanted some time to live my own life without being chained to my past or my future. I wanted to be independent for a little bit.

Now, it's looking like that would mean years away from Seamus, and I wouldn't stand it. I know I wouldn't. I didn't want to jump from one marriage to the next but the longer the divorce takes the more likely it is that I'll "have" to.

And it all makes me very sad. When I broke up with Raga, I had a lot of trust in him. Trust that he had it in him to be happy, grow as a person, realise he was worth it, etc. But also trust that we would have each other's backs because not being a couple didn't mean we couldn't be loving friends anymore.
But as he did so many times while we were together, he broke my trust. He left me feel betrayed, had, stupid for trusting him over and over again, stupid for defending him to other people who didn't trust him and who he ultimately proved wrong.

And it makes me very said (I know, I said so already). Not only because feeling betrayed and let down constantly like that sucks, but because it means he hasn't changed. We've been separated for seven months and he's every bit the same procrastinating person as he used to be. I really, really hoped that being away from me and having to learn to stand on his own two feet and to trust himself would allow him to change and grow. And he hasn't. And that's the worst part, because when I broke up with him, I know I was making him suffer, but I really thought that in the long run he'd be better off. Now I'm not sure.
I mean, I still think I was right to break up, for a variety of reasons, and I definitely think staying with him would have been using him, so I didn't do it despite all the advantages it would have given me, and that was definitely a right call, as hard as everything has been ever since.
But now I'm kind of losing hope that he'll ever be better. And that's a terrible thought. I still love him, and I want him to be happy, I want him to feel good about himself and in general, and I'm worried it might not happen.

I guess it will, but it's taking longer than I would have wanted it to. I just hope he can sort things out before getting into another relationship as another crutch, lest it happen all over again. Not saying that every situation would be similar, but... I really feel it's a journey he has to take on his own. I thought he was doing so much better when we became a couple and he was under NRE, but little by little I realised every single thing was still there, and poisoning the relationship, and becoming worse and worse.

Anyway... I've been very stressed out. Then today I asked for a 4 months visa and they refused it from me. I waited an hour, then a guy called me, I faced him, he looked at the paperwork I had given before my wait, then looked at me and went "wanna stay for four months? That's too long. You could travel for 3 months without a visa so I'll give you a visa for three months. Have a nice day" and that was it.
In a way I'm relieved that it's over, and that I wasn't told I'm not allowed to travel to the US at all or something. On the other hand, it feels like a complete waste of time and money.
I don't know, maybe it will help at the border.

Oh, speaking of procrastination, Raga has had some stuff he said he'd send since February, and he still hasn't, so I guess the divorce isn't what he's been procrastinating on the most.

Seamus is still coming in October. So that's very, very good. But right now I'm so frustrated with everything, I just feel like rolling into a ball and crying until he gets here.
 
I've moved in my new place. I'm unsure what I'm going to do until October. I've been looking for a job still, handing resumes in supermarkets, fast food stores, video rentals, etc, and nobody got to me at all since May... Now if they do I kind of dread telling them I'm leaving in October. Would they still want to hire me? Should I not tell them anything and wait until September and give my month's notice?
That's if I find something before September of course. At this point it seems unlikely.

But my stress is much better than it has been. I'm feeling like there is some progress being done at the very least. And just because I need to wait until October to see Seamus again and most likely won't get a job in between doesn't mean I can't make progress in other ways.

I'm waiting to get the money back from Raga so I can use it to send him some stuff, and to get my plane ticket in October while I'm at it. I'm hoping it won't take too much longer to get there, he said he sent the later last week.
 
I have an update and also request for some advice.

First, the update. For the past little while (about two years) I've had a male friend that I grew closer to. In the past few weeks we really grew closer and Seamus started encouraging me to pursue things.
I have (although not much. He's pretty young, not super experienced and it's a long distance thing, so I'm taking it slow).
Now Seamus is feeling conflicted. He doesn't want to forbid me to see the guy, but he's not 100% comfortable with it either. He thinks it's a mix of not being friends with the guy (they actually had a big disagreement as Seamus's ex-roommate was a close friend of J's - my friend - and it went bad between the two of them.
Now they don't really dislike each other but they don't really talk or know each other either. Seamus thinks he would feel more comfortable with a friend, someone he can trust, or at least someone he knows and can talk to. I can understand that and agree it would be for the best, but all three of us think a skype call with the three of us (or worse, just the two of them) would be incredibly awkward and make things worse.

Another thing is that because we're apart (I'm in France, Seamus is in California... J, by the way, is in Georgia) he (Seamus) can't be part of it as much as he (and I) would like. Otherwise he could be in the background some time, or just drop by behind me and say hi, or something like that which would be less drastic than lumping them in a phone call together when they don't really have much to talk about.

However Seamus doesn't think it would be fair to ask me to wait until he can meet the guy in person (unlikely to happen for about a year if not more) but I don't want to force thing if he's uncomfortable with it, either... And he feels bad about my restraining myself and told me not to. So it's kind of a lose-lose situation for him I guess.

I have no clue what kind of advice you can give, but he'd really like to know what other people have to say about the whole thing. Also, the relationship with J would be a FWB kind of thing, at least that's the plan, there is no telling how things might evolve.

Any contribution is much welcome.
 
I'm disappointed nobody had any advice! But that might be less needed now... The situation has evolved.
First, Seamus slept on it and is feeling much better about the whole thing.
Afterwards though, stuff happened.
J actually had another FWB. He didn't mention her because their relationship status was a secret so he wanted to check with her before telling me. When he got to talk to her he told her about me, less to ask for permission to see me and more to let her know and ask if he could tell me about them (as that's relevant, knowing your sex partners' sex partners).
Nothing had really happened by then and he honestly though everything would be fine.
Turns out he was wrong. She objected. A lot. She said she wanted them to be exclusive, which he was completely unaware of. She said to let me know that they were "together" and that she didn't want me and J to do anything.

So he told me that, he apologised, he seemed to think I was going to hate him and stop being his friend and he was the worst person in the world or something. He said he shouldn't have assumed it would be fine. (The other FWB is also online, they haven't met in person either).
Then he added that he really didn't feel like having any sort of exclusive thing and he was worried about her expectations being different from his own and that maybe she had feelings for him he couldn't reciprocate. He was really worried about hurting her.

Anyways, yesterday was a long succession of her calling him to tell her how she felt, again and again. The first time she explained that yes, she know they were FWBs and didn't expect anything more, but she felt it was more respectful to be exclusive. Then later she talked about how she sacrificed so much (things he apparently didn't ask from her and wasn't even aware of) and she was just asking for this one thing (exclusivity) in return.
Then she said she didn't want to compete with anyone else.
Then she said she'd be willing to be open to keep him, but not with me.

He told her they needed to stop it, that it wouldn't work, that he couldn't be in an exclusive thing, that he didn't want a relationship, and that being open would obviously make her miserable (and him too, I'm sure). She apparently kept to try convincing him and guilt tripping him, and later was calling him again although he didn't answer anymore.

He said he didn't know what to do for her to understand, that he was trying to be nice but he might have to end up being a jerk. He seems to feel like he's the worst person in the world and did everything wrong and hurt everyone.
I tried to be supportive as a friend, but he seems pretty depressed now.

I don't know where that leaves me. Seamus thinks it doesn't change anything in the end, that if he's not with his FWB anymore it's like he never was with her. I disagree. I think he would be too worried about her feelings. I think from the second she said she wasn't comfortable with it, it made him not comfortable with it either. Because he wants to stay friends with her, he wouldn't want to hurt her, so he wouldn't do anything with me that she'd know about, and he's not the kind to do something behind people's backs either.

Still, I guess it's wait and see, but for now I'm considering myself his friend, back to before it all happened, and if he's ever interested I'll be ready, but if he isn't, well I'm aware it's a distinct possibility.

Maybe after she gets over him, then it will feel fine to do it. But that might take years. That might never happen. He might get a girlfriend in the meantime and be exclusive (he's mono). So yeah, not counting on anything.
I had a great time flirting with him though. And it feels better knowing that I wasn't rejected by him, that he was very willing and all, and that it was just a bad set of circumstances.
 
I didn't offer any advice, but here's my take.

Seamus seems to be okay with your poly when it's theoretical, but when real life possibilities come up, he panics, immediately tells you how awful he feels instead of trying to work through anything on his own, lays a bit of a guilt trip on you, and then you have issues and feel guilty in return. Then, he calms down, things are okay, but you ultimately decide not to persue whatever option you had.

Granted, this is based on this example and your previous potential, the ex who you had the contact info for, so take it or leave it. :) My personal opinion is that Seamus needs to spend a bit more time reflecting on his feelings before hitting the panic button with you.
 
I didn't offer any advice, but here's my take.

Seamus seems to be okay with your poly when it's theoretical, but when real life possibilities come up, he panics, immediately tells you how awful he feels instead of trying to work through anything on his own, lays a bit of a guilt trip on you, and then you have issues and feel guilty in return. Then, he calms down, things are okay, but you ultimately decide not to persue whatever option you had.

Granted, this is based on this example and your previous potential, the ex who you had the contact info for, so take it or leave it. :) My personal opinion is that Seamus needs to spend a bit more time reflecting on his feelings before hitting the panic button with you.


I can speak personally that this is always a good idea. Often my first reaction is panic/emotion/fear driven. I need the time to settle down and let it dwindle a bit, so that I can think rationally and figure out what's triggering me. Often it's just the "suddenness", and once I work through things I'm fine.

I'm learning to wait to talk to hubs about things until I've gone through this. This would be much easier if he didn't so often spring things on me at the last minute (gotta love the ADD impulsiveness). We're working on it :D
 
Thanks for your input :) I can definitely see that. His main issue is that he's used to it being between friends and the two times I've been interested in someone that things could actually happen with, it was people who were far away from him and who he didn't know much if at all.

Note that while he's still not comfortable with anything relating to my ex, he is supportive of my giving it a try with J. And the reason I'm holding off isn't for Seamus's sake but J's and his friend's...

But yeah, I understand why you'd have this impression. I'm glad he tells me about how he feels rather than bottling up at the very least, and I do feel we made a lot of progress with J. He was fine with it before the whole thing exploded so it's not like he became ok only when it was less real again.

Thanks very much for your input :)
 
I thought I was overdue for an update. It's been a while!

I'm in the US now, have been since the end of October. I am still with Seamus, our relationship is doing great. J and his other FWB stopped things and "broke up" (or whatever the correct term is. They're still friends but without the sex) and after an appropriate amount of time we started being FWB.
As he said, Seamus was comfortable with it once I was living with him. He actually gets aroused by the idea that we do things while he's at work, and he comes home to, as we call it "re-establish his territory". I guess it's a kind of cuckold fetish in which he's being dominant, not submissive.

It's going well, I talk with J often but usually nothing happens, it's quite rare. But it's enjoyable for all three of us which is nice. There was a break though as around the holiday Seamus had to go to the hospital and I spent most of my time there too by is side (he had a foot infection and got surgery. He's fully recovered now).
He asked me if I had sex with J while he was in the hospital, and said he would have felt bad if I did. I told him that I really wasn't in the mood for that at all. He seemed relieved, I think he was afraid I might push him aside or something.
I should give you some background: his ex dumped him while he was in the hospital for a perennial abscess. She basically said "well, I'm off screwing someone else, we're through, I don't want to have to take care of you". Later she came back and said it was "just a test" but he told her there was no way he was getting back with her after that.
So when he was in the hospital, he was afraid I was going to leave him. He said things like "don't leave me" a lot at the beginning, I kept assuring him I wasn't going anywhere, but I thought he meant he wanted me by his side, as it seemed obvious to me I wasn't going to break up with him.
He said he knew I wasn't going to but then again he didn't expect her to either so he was still scared.

Anyways, things are going well. We just adopted a puppy, an adorable pit/lab mix. She's chocolate brown and 11 weeks old, we're starting her training on Sunday. We've only had her for a couple of days and we're trying to house train her so far. She's very affectionate and smart, but she's also a glutton so we'll have to work on that.

So yeah, just wanted to let everyone who might be interested know that we're fine and everything is doing well. I'll keep you posted, although probably not very regularly.
 
Oh, yeah, the divorce thing.

No news from Ragabash on that front, sadly. Once it does go through in Canada (and I've decided to call there on Monday to check if it has been filed at least, I found the number to call for that), I have to get it recognised in France which takes six months.
I found out that I can also apply for a divorce in France even with him not responding or anything, and that it will "only" take two years before they declare the divorce done due to lack of response, so I might look into that if he hasn't even filed. At this point I don't know how things are since he ignores my emails.

I am on a tourist visa, same as the first time I went to the US, except this time it's for 6 months rather than three. I have to go back to France in April, at which point either the divorce will have gone through in Canada and I'll be working on getting it recognised in France, or it won't and I'll get started on getting a French divorce, even though it takes ages.

Once I'm officially divorced according to the French state, I'll look into a fiancé visa, which allows me three months to get to the US and marry Seamus, at which point I can apply to stay permanently. Until then I might re-apply for tourist visas depending on how long it is before I'm divorced.

I was joking with a friend of mine that soon we'll have spent more time married after breaking up than while together. It's not really funny but sometimes you laugh so you won't cry :p
 
Okay it's been a while so I figured I'd give everyone an update.

First, bad news, I'm not divorced yet.
Raga said he sent the paperwork in December, so I contacted the Registry of Divorce to ask if anything had been filed.
They told me they had nothing to these names, and that they should have received everything from early December (this was either late December or early January) but to try again in a few weeks. I called again in February, March, April and got negative answers again. I called in May from France and they didn't get back to me, which I figured might be because I'm in another country. I might contact them again in writing.

Still, as soon as I arrived in France I contacted a lawyer, first through e-mail and the phone, and then in person. My appointment was yesterday.

The good news is she thinks the divorce should be straightforward. The bad news is that I need documents from Raga.
I need a birth certificate (she would ask for it herself if he was French but since he's Canadian she says she can't and I have to procure it) and a copy of his ID with a signature.
Canada allows other people to ask for a birth certificate provided permission is given. So I sent Raga an email asking for a scan of his ID, and a scan of a written permission to ask for his birth certificate.

I asked 24 hours ago and didn't get any response, not even to confirm he got the emails. I suspect he is ignoring/avoiding me again, as he's been doing for a year and a half.

I'm very frustrated, but looking into alternate ways to obtain the documents. Maybe I have an old ID of his or a scan of one? And technically a lawyer can ask for a birth certificate for a divorce with a court order, so I'll have to see if my lawyer can obtain such a thing (French law being different from Canadian law, it's a big mess to match the two, usually one requires something the other doesn't allow, at some point.)

My next appointment with the lawyer is next Wednesday (at first she gave me an appointment a week after the first one, so next Monday, but then she extended it to next Wednesday "to give me time to get the paperwork". I'm afraid no amount of time would be enough to obtain a response from Raga, at this point. I did tell him it was urgent though and it's so little effort from his part, I'm hoping he'll do something).

I also haven't obtained a response about why the divorce is taking so long and why he hasn't filed. He never confirmed sending the paperwork even when I asked directly. As you recall it's been a year now of just divorce stuff (a year and a half of being separated), when it should have been straightforward and a formality. I'm extremely frustrated with him, especially since he insisted so much that he wanted to remain friends and he's the one not making any effort toward that goal -_-'

On the other hand, today also happens to be his birthday, so I've decided to give him a break, that is if he doesn't respond today, I'll let it fly, but I expect a reply tomorrow.

Seamus says we should threaten him and maybe he would do something then. But I keep wanting Raga to do things, I just want him, once, not to let me down. I feel stupid because he still does every time, and everyone around me thinks I'm pathetic for constantly trusting him.
I guess I just want to think that he did love me. But his attitude since the break-up have been so hostile, he doesn't treat me with basic respect he would show to a random stranger, it makes me feel like a fool for loving him so much and staying with him for so long despite all of our problems. I feel like he was just using me. And when I tell me "no, he did love you", I can't help but think about little things, like when he was rejected by J and told be "I'll never be happy in love" despite being with me, or when we broke up and he started crying and said "I'm worried I'll never have sex again" instead of being sad not to be with me anymore.

I feel like I fell into some kind of trap, that I love him but he just was with me because I was there, I was practical and I didn't say no. I feel like a fool and I'm trying to grab anything I can that proves it wasn't the case, and every time he ignores me, it just proves it a little bit more.

We've been separated for a year and a half, but it doesn't really get easier. Every time I think about it, it just tears me apart like it did back then. I'm just a little bit more numb.
I knew we wouldn't be best friend right away. But people told me to give it six months, and it's been that time three times over. And he still won't talk to me. Communication is so important, I still want to talk about things. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though, the last straw that made me break up with him was that he refused to talk to me about stuff and instead left for his parents place, and never got back to me until I broke up.

Then he panicked and wanted to talk, but how can I trust someone who abandoned me when I needed him the most?

Sorry, I'm ranting. It's part of the reason why I haven't been updating this journal that much. It just depresses me every time. I'm looking forward to being able to report real good news.

If everything goes right, the French divorce should be able to go through on the 31st of December, 2012, because we'll have been separated for 2 years then. That is, if we can get the documents from Raga.
Otherwise, it will take 2 years from the time the divorce is filed, which will be later this year.

Seamus doesn't seem to really care if it takes 2 years, he says he just wants to know it will be done at some point, nothing else matters to him. But me, I feel trapped. I'm still married to Raga. I keep having to justify things about him, like for welfare they want to know how much he makes and prove that he's not paying me alimony and stuff, other places require all his details for no apparent reason. I still receive stuff in his name: I ordered a new cheque book and got it yesterday. Guess what, his name is on it, even though I ordered it for me.

Anyways. I hope to have some good news soon. I hope it doesn't take an extra two years, by that point we would have spent more time married while separated than while together.
 
have been reading your thread recently, Tonberry. just wanted to say that i feel you in several ways. i saw plenty of Raga's "passive-aggressive victim" role in my ex as well. eventually i despaired of trying to make him happy too...though, like you, i still love him, and find myself rooting for that good and happy person that i occasionally see in him, and am sure he loved/s me....

thanks for taking the time to post; hope you keep doing so.

best wishes

BMB
 
So my new appointment with the lawyer was today.

Raga didn't respond in any manner (although I saw him on facebook so he's definitely still around) so I decided to just drop it and see what we can do without his cooperation. A year and a half of trying to get him to cooperate has really worn me down.

The lawyer is a nice woman, but sometimes she doesn't feel too professional. For instance, she keeps asking me what she should do, or having me do things, and I feel like it should be the other way around. So I had to explain to her every step of the way how to fill a request for birth certificate, and she filled it in French, which hopefully will be fine. Then she gave it to me to mail, while the whole time exclaiming that it just wasn't right that Canada made you pay for these things (it's free in France).

The one problem is that the request requires me to write down where his parents were born, and I have no idea. And since I know I can't get any information from him... I'm thinking I'll write a letter explaining the situation and hopefully that will work out.

The other thing we need to go around is the fact he hasn't given me ID, with his signature. I found a paper that had his signature on it, but it looks nothing like the one he signed the separation agreement with. I think the one on his ID would probably be different too, honestly, so we'll have to find another way.

The lawyer suggested I get any proof that I wasn't with him, which includes my rental agreement, and documents from other people swearing that I was separated from him. So I'm going to go around and ask for these, which should be easy enough.

She cannot do anything until she has his birth certificate, though, so that's the first step. She still needs to snail mail me a copy of her passport, that she didn't have on her, and I still need to write that letter of explanation as to why I don't know either parent's location of birth, and I'm thinking I'll also write up a translation of her letter explaining she needs the document for the divorce. I'm hoping all of that will work out and that they will mail her his birth certificate, so that we can get going with the divorce.
 
Good news, everyone!

Sadly, not divorce related. Nothing new on that front.

This is about Seamus. I didn't want to talk about it too early for fear of jinxing it, but Seamus met someone.
Well, he has known her for a while. Actually I gave him the okay a year ago. At the time though, she said she wasn't interested in dating a taken man.

Recently, they got closer. They talked about poly a bunch (she had that misconception that she was supposed to have sex with me too, he set her straight on that), and at a party they got really drunk and started flirting and then kissing.

Now, they were with other friends who know me, and although Seamus is out to his friends, they must not have understood he was serious because they stopped him. A friend in particular, who took his car keys so he wouldn't drive, prevented him from spending the night at her place and took him to his place instead.

Seamus was a bit annoyed, but I pointed out that it was probably for the best not to have your first experience together while drunk. You never know if one of you might regret it later, and you might make really stupid judgment calls, like not wearing protection, etc.

After that they kept in touch, and after a few days they went on a date and he spent the night at her place. They had protected, non-intercourse sex.

The one problem is that she still doesn't seem quite comfortable with poly. She has stated that she wants it to end when I get back into the country.
We are in contact online, though. We also met in real life, but I met so many people on that occasion that I have to admit I don't remember her.

She also seems to want to hide their relationship from the friends they have in common. To be fair I can understand, since most of them know me they apparently got very judgmental with her and accused her of trying to break Seamus and me up while I'm away or something. But on the other hand, I don't like the idea of hiding things.

Seamus respects the fact that she wants to hide it, but says he personally really couldn't care less who knows or doesn't know.

I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get back to the US, she'll be more comfortable with the hole situation. After all in one year she went from not wanting anything to do with it to wanting a relationship, hidden and while I'm away, sure, but that's still progress.

I think she understand that it's not cheating but that she has some trouble externalizing it or something. And she's really worried what people will think of her if they know.

I'll wait to see how the situation evolves now, but I'm very excited and happy. There have been a few hiccups, for instance he sent me a message telling me he was at her place, but wouldn't stay the night, and so I waited for him to get back home, but he actually fell asleep and I waited for nothing - he had to go to work directly and didn't go back home at all. That was frustrating, but I kept busy as I waited and in the end there was no harm done. He was very apologetic and I think from now on we'll just assume he's spending the night when he sees her, so that I don't wait for nothing.
 
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