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Old 08-28-2012, 06:33 PM
Ttree Ttree is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 25

I can really relate on the "bad experiences with monogamy" part. At that point, being in a poly relationship really gave me strength and a greater realisation of who I was, because of the amazing people I was with.
There is nothing wrong with being poly just because you feel like you can't handle monogamy. Everybody is different. I'm currently not sure whether I am truly mono or poly, but I have decided not to date anyone who will try to limit whom I can love, and so my current bf is open to me being poly and does not try to interfere in any way provided I am honest about everything. I may discover, if I am comfortable enough with him (or someone else in a future relationship) that one person, or "the one" is the only person I want to be with and become happily monogamous, but you shouldn't try to force yourself to conform, especially from a point of non-acceptance from another person. That does not work, it only breeds resentment/anxiety on your side and encourages whatever hang-ups and fears they have to be the controlling force in how much you can be yourself in a relationship.

From now on, anyone I date has to know that I am poly (regardless of whether I will personally feel a need to date anyone else while dating them) and that this is me. No cowboys! Do not settle for any situation (mono or poly) where you feel controlled and limited by your partner and especially if you feel you are not free to be who you truly are. If it is something that keeps bugging you and you have to keep trying to resolve how you feel, maybe that is a sign that it is something truly important to you. I recently got out of a very loving relationship because of the mono-poly thing and it still hurts, and I love him very much, but I cannot be someone I am not, or be made to be fully dependent on someone who does not meet the full scope of who I am in my personality. For me it seems much healthier to appreciate him for who he is and also be with someone else who understands that aspect of me, making me much less dependent, stronger and more able to give, and able to address the different aspects of my personality without placing unreasonable demands on my partner to be everything, always, or for me to try to conform to be only as needy as one partner will allow.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:16 PM
RfromRMC's Avatar
RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239

Originally Posted by Quietfever View Post
I am 38 and single and a lesbian. Right now I am in the "stray single" situation evaluating whether I would get involved with women who are married and polyamorous. I seem to click better with attached bi women than with other lesbians and the lesbian monogamy model has been utterly suffocating and dysfunctional to me.
Almost sounds like you're the lesbian version of me in a roundabout way.

I'm 35 single gay male. I also click better and enjoy the company of my straight/bi poly friends way more than I do the monogamy-minded (ie, heteronormative) gay men that seem to make a huge proportion of my local gay community.

Would I be the secondary to a bi man with a female primary partner (or spouse)? Assuming it's a guy I'm really into and is really into me, then---Hell Yeah!!

For me, I'd rather be single and someone's secondary than single and alone!

And I can't see any reason why being someone else's secondary would hinder my ability to find a primary.

Though to be fair, I don't really like the whole primary/secondary hierarchy and to my mind, everyone is just "Boyfriends", period. Eventually would like one to be a domestic partner perhaps, so that's probably the equivalent to "primary" for most poly people's vocabulary. *shrug*
Just Rob now. That's all. .

In North Carolina? Check out: facebook.com/ncPoly
In Raleigh/Durham? Check out www.meetup.com/TrianglePolyamory
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fulfillment, self-esteem

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