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Old 05-23-2012, 07:01 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default Ouch!!

My full poly story can be read by looking under my name...but to try and briefly (?!) summarize........

Polyamory was a new concept to me. He introduced me to it after we had met (through email) on an online dating site. I wasn't initially sure I could handle being in a poly relationship, but after doing a lot of reading, discussing, and soul searching, I decided it might be something I was capable of. We agreed from the very beginning that ours would be a co-primary relationship (A "v" with him in the middle and his other female partner and I as friends with each other but not lovers. They were the original couple.) I told him I would not be interested in exploring a poly relationship as a secondary.

I eventually got a new job and moved to be closer to them (discussed and agreed on by all 3 of us) in Sept. 2010. (Prior to my move we lived in different states, a 7 hour drive between us.) I spent the first month living in their house until I found my own apartment closer to my job. (All this had been agreed on prior to my move.) After my move I often felt left out and wasn't being taken into consideration in much of the decision making they were doing that could impact on me. I thought maybe it would just take some time to work things out and tried to be patient. At the same time, I would periodically express my concerns about this. He would seek to reassure me that he didn't intend for me to be in a more secondary role. They were just used to doing things a certain way, and it would take time.

Four months into my move, I told him I would at least like a commitment to being able to spend time with him once a week. (We lived an hour away from each other). I was willing to do the driving since they were raising a child (age 8, hers from a prior marriage), I also said that I wasn't asking for exclusive time with him during every visit, but that our time could include family and friends as we had done numerous times before. He told me that he couldn't handle anymore stress and pressure as his job was stressful enough...as was his other relationship and family commitments...and he just couldn't handle anymore "demands". He wanted our relationship to be "fun" with no stress, and to see me if and when it worked for him.

So, "No" he wouldn't/couldn't commit to seeing me on a weekly basis. I told him this sounded like a very "secondary" role on my part and that we had agreed that wasn't what either of us wanted or intended. He went on to say that maybe we had just taken things too fast, and that I seemed to want the rights/privileges of a "wife", like his first partner (although they weren't married). He went on to say that was something I would have to "earn" over time. He told me that "Yes" he loved me, and really hoped he wouldn't lose me over this. He wanted me to remain a part of his life, and his family and friends really liked me, too.

After some floundering starts and stops (on my part, I don't do endings very easily.), I was finally able to end to our relationship, saying I wasn't willing to settle for what little he had to offer me. This happened the fifth month after I had moved to be closer to them. It hurt so bad, because I liked and loved many things about him and had grown close to their family and friends. I didn't feel I could maintain the relationships with the other family members and friends, because it would involve my being around him.

Last night I contacted an extended family member of his original female partner., when I saw on Facebook that she had major surgery. She told me that since I last saw him (Jan. 2011),he had met someone, (who lived a 4 hour drive away from him), eventually moved to be with her, and that they had gotten married a few months ago. (His original partner will be moving in with them when she finishes up a work commitment in a few months.) I felt like throwing up...wondered how I could have been so stupid....and grieved the loss further.

I'm sharing on here because I can't really talk about my sadness and grief with many people, since my poly relationship wasn't something I openly discussed with many friends or with any family. I recognize this could have happened in a mono relationship, too, but the poly aspect just made the loss all the more complicated and extensive.
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