So I developed an interest in poly relationships last year, thought it might fit me but hadn't done too much research or introspection on the matter. Then I met someone online who had been poly for a long time and was currently single. She lived a fair distance away. We developed a really deep connection online, met up in person and fell in love very deeply. I went on a couple of dates with other people (that didn't go anywhere); she said she had no issue with this and had no real emotional reaction to this at all.
So all was well until my partner went to a party and was physically intimate there with several different people in several different circumstances. This was a lot to get used to in one go. She let me know this may happen before the party, I said this was ok but was not sure how I would react. Since then there are times when I am genuinely happy for the connections she had there and times when I have strong feelings of loss and pain. She asked me to be open with her about my positive as well as negative feelings but was overwhelmed when I did so and reacted with anger.
This week my partner went on a date with someone and again my feelings were mixed leading up to the date but I could genuinely wish her well with this. She agreed to email me afterwards to discuss it but then changed her mind at the last minute and went out with friends. I told her I needed to talk about this now as it helpef me feel secure around her starting to date other people but she refused and told me to "be responsible for my my own feelings". I was very upset and felt like she was distancing herself when I most needed her time.
The current arrangement is that we are both free to interact with whoever we wish whenever we wish; that is how she has run her previous poly relationships. It is clear to me now that this doesn't meet my needs and I need more boundaries to feel secure, although I am happy for her to keep dating her new person I would like to keep it closed between the three of us until I am used to it, then open up our relationship a stage at a time. In this way I feel I can deal with my emotional reactions as they come up in a more managed way. I am committed to meeting her new dating partner, going to local poly groups and putting a lot of effort into processing my feelings. I have let her know my needs around this and am waiting her response.
Clearly I have rushed into this situation using my heart and not my head. I have owned that and apologised to her. What can i say? Neither of us has had a connection as powerful as this on our lives before. We have been together 2 months which is not a long time. I feel like our relationship is slipping away, if it hasn't already. Reaching out for advice...
So all was well until my partner went to a party and was physically intimate there with several different people in several different circumstances. This was a lot to get used to in one go. She let me know this may happen before the party, I said this was ok but was not sure how I would react. Since then there are times when I am genuinely happy for the connections she had there and times when I have strong feelings of loss and pain. She asked me to be open with her about my positive as well as negative feelings but was overwhelmed when I did so and reacted with anger.
This week my partner went on a date with someone and again my feelings were mixed leading up to the date but I could genuinely wish her well with this. She agreed to email me afterwards to discuss it but then changed her mind at the last minute and went out with friends. I told her I needed to talk about this now as it helpef me feel secure around her starting to date other people but she refused and told me to "be responsible for my my own feelings". I was very upset and felt like she was distancing herself when I most needed her time.
The current arrangement is that we are both free to interact with whoever we wish whenever we wish; that is how she has run her previous poly relationships. It is clear to me now that this doesn't meet my needs and I need more boundaries to feel secure, although I am happy for her to keep dating her new person I would like to keep it closed between the three of us until I am used to it, then open up our relationship a stage at a time. In this way I feel I can deal with my emotional reactions as they come up in a more managed way. I am committed to meeting her new dating partner, going to local poly groups and putting a lot of effort into processing my feelings. I have let her know my needs around this and am waiting her response.
Clearly I have rushed into this situation using my heart and not my head. I have owned that and apologised to her. What can i say? Neither of us has had a connection as powerful as this on our lives before. We have been together 2 months which is not a long time. I feel like our relationship is slipping away, if it hasn't already. Reaching out for advice...