First poly relationship - mistakes made

quincess

New member
So I developed an interest in poly relationships last year, thought it might fit me but hadn't done too much research or introspection on the matter. Then I met someone online who had been poly for a long time and was currently single. She lived a fair distance away. We developed a really deep connection online, met up in person and fell in love very deeply. I went on a couple of dates with other people (that didn't go anywhere); she said she had no issue with this and had no real emotional reaction to this at all.

So all was well until my partner went to a party and was physically intimate there with several different people in several different circumstances. This was a lot to get used to in one go. She let me know this may happen before the party, I said this was ok but was not sure how I would react. Since then there are times when I am genuinely happy for the connections she had there and times when I have strong feelings of loss and pain. She asked me to be open with her about my positive as well as negative feelings but was overwhelmed when I did so and reacted with anger.

This week my partner went on a date with someone and again my feelings were mixed leading up to the date but I could genuinely wish her well with this. She agreed to email me afterwards to discuss it but then changed her mind at the last minute and went out with friends. I told her I needed to talk about this now as it helpef me feel secure around her starting to date other people but she refused and told me to "be responsible for my my own feelings". I was very upset and felt like she was distancing herself when I most needed her time.

The current arrangement is that we are both free to interact with whoever we wish whenever we wish; that is how she has run her previous poly relationships. It is clear to me now that this doesn't meet my needs and I need more boundaries to feel secure, although I am happy for her to keep dating her new person I would like to keep it closed between the three of us until I am used to it, then open up our relationship a stage at a time. In this way I feel I can deal with my emotional reactions as they come up in a more managed way. I am committed to meeting her new dating partner, going to local poly groups and putting a lot of effort into processing my feelings. I have let her know my needs around this and am waiting her response.

Clearly I have rushed into this situation using my heart and not my head. I have owned that and apologised to her. What can i say? Neither of us has had a connection as powerful as this on our lives before. We have been together 2 months which is not a long time. I feel like our relationship is slipping away, if it hasn't already. Reaching out for advice...
 
I am sorry you struggle.

She agreed to email me afterwards to discuss it but then changed her mind at the last minute and went out with friends. I told her I needed to talk about this now as it helpef me feel secure around her starting to date other people but she refused and told me to "be responsible for my my own feelings".

So she made an agreement to email and broke it. And when you bring it to her attention she blame shifts on you rather than owning her behavior? Not esp kind. Yellow flag at least. If not red flag. If you value stability, it's hard to be in relationship with people who make agreements and don't keep their Word.

Might be a personality thing -- where you like "order" and she likes "spontaneous." But if that is the case? It is still on her NOT to agree to things she will not follow through on. Just say "no" and maintain her Word that way then.

You seem like you are doing what you can to renegotiate agreements. You have suggested a new plan to move it forward. It's on her to accept, decline, or come up with another alternative plan to try on so both of you can feel good participating in this relationship.

We have been together 2 months which is not a long time. I feel like our relationship is slipping away, if it hasn't already. Reaching out for advice.

I don't think it is slipping away. I think you guys are sorting out how you want to be together, finding out if you are actually compatible or not. That's part of dating -- sorting out compatibility issues. It's NORMAL.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner -- that is NORMAL too. That's the point of dating. To sort out the compatible ones from those who are not.

You will be ok however it turns out after sorting. Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Thanks GalaGirl, yes I told my partner that her behavior here was a red flag for me and that this is something we are gonna have to sort out if we are to progress. Yes you are right when you say we are working out if we are compatible. Its just we have one of those connections that has been so deep and intense and unique in both our lives it has already been life changing for us both and I don't want to lose that. Outside of this issue our communication has been amazingly clear and positive so I hope we can come to the right decision.
 
I think you have let yourself get too attached and dependent upon a very new relationship. At two months, you still hardly know each other. You need to back up and loosen your grip.

Also, realize that it is not up to you to "let" her do anything. Each of you will live you lives and conduct yourselves as you see fit - hopefully with kindness and consideration for each other - but nobody needs permission from anyone else to do that. All you can consent to is whether or not you can be comfortable in a poly arrangement, and what your personal boundaries are FOR YOU.

In other words, establishing a rule for her to follow is not cool; knowing what you need in a relationship and expressing that is the way to go. However, she is not obligated to give you what you need. All you can do is choose whether a compromise can work and if you want to stay or not. It is useless to think that she needs to alter her behavior to "make" you feel secure. Your security or insecurity is an inside job and no one else can do it for you.

It seems to me that you have a lot of inner work to do, to handle your own emotional life and not be so dependent upon another person for your sense of security and fulfillment.
 
Hi nycindie. Thanks for replying. I perhaps didn't make it clear in my post but what I have done is let my needs be known to my partner and am waiting to hear if that is acceptable to her or if we can find a compromise. I have not tried to control her and do not have expectations that she has to agree. If she agreed to a situation that way not compatible to her needs it would not be good for either of us.

I would not say I am dependent on her, I was happy before we met and will be happy again (once I have moved on) if we break up. But we have an incredible connection that has potential for a lot of healing and growth for us both and don't want to lose that. Maybe you would have to see it yo believe it :) I do tend to fall in love quite hard and fast when it happens though; maybe there is something to look at there.
 
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Its just we have one of those connections that has been so deep and intense and unique in both our lives it has already been life changing for us both and I don't want to lose that.

You won't. You life has been changed whether the relationship continues or not. The relationship may have served its purpose in that sense. Brought you to a new awareness of yourself -- that you CAN feel deeply like that. Knowledge you have this isn't going to disappear if this relationship isn't a long haul runner.

This knowledge being healing for you? That's fine. This knowledge showing growth for you from however it is you were before her? That's ok too.

Try to relax as you await her response. It will be whatever it will be. You can go from there at that point in time.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you Galagirl, that is very helpful to me and I thank you for your time and your kindness :) Yes I am changed from this experience and have grown a lot from it. And I will take that with me. It seems like my partner is not ready to talk until tomorrow - apart from the exchange of angry miscommunications we had this evening ;/ I am pretty sure now that we are not gonna get much further with this relationship. It would be really nice to end this in a positive way though.
 
I'm always leery when someone comes back with "you have to be responsible for your own emotions." Emotions don't worm that way. No one can control how they feel, and to put that kind of onus on you is unfair, and potentially sets you up to start feeling like certain emotions are "wrong" or "bad." Emotions just are, and having that kind of judgement attached to them seems just as damaging as the behavior. Now, it's not about her behavior being wrong, it's about you feeling wrong, something that minimizes your feelings and damages the trust you have in your partner's supportiveness. I know that I'm focusing a lot on that part, but to me, that's very telling, and says a lot about this partner's ability to really connect emotionally with other people.
 
... we have an incredible connection that has potential for a lot of healing and growth for us both and don't want to lose that. Maybe you would have to see it to believe it :) I do tend to fall in love quite hard and fast when it happens though; maybe there is something to look at there.

Falling in love, and being infatuated are two different things. Both feel great. We can get into a lukewarm relationship. It is surprising how many people settle for that, even marry a person just because she agrees, not because they have a lot in common, or great sex, or anything else. I guess some people get desperate. But that is not the case with you.

You know you get real excited and "fall hard" for people on the regular. Maybe look at that. Get some common sense, learn to be a little more measured, don't go all in when you barely know her. It's probably just the sex, and the euphoria caused by hormones.

It sounds like you aren't all that compatible with her after all. She goes to a party and has sex with multiple people all around the house? She gets a new guy and the only negotiations with you around that are angry words and dismissive behavior? Are you in love with her, or just in lust?

What can you do to take better care of yourself and find more balance and control?
 
To me the agreement part is crucial. The times I have struggled with jealousy or upset have been either because and agreement was broken or misunderstood. Open and honest communication about needs, expectations, boundaries is really important, if you cannot get that between yourselves then you are probably not compatible. And I mean communication not just talking, you can talk for hours but not communicate. Neither are announcements communication, saying I am going to a party and will have sex with X or Y is not communication. These things need to be discussed openly and honestly in advance. Its also better is these things are discussed and agreed in advance as points of principle and not on a case by case basis.
 
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Thanks for the replies - I would have continued the conversation further but I wasn't getting my email alerts through for some reasons. I will say that some of the comments don't reflect the exact events (just because I didn't describe the situation in enough detail) but I feel it would take too long to address that now. But thanks for commenting and all the comments here have been helpful for me reflecting over the situation.

We have decided to break up, I think essentially we have a very strong emotional, spiritual and physical connection but also very different and at this moment in time incompatible needs and expectations around relationships. We have decided to stay friends and I guess if a more committed relationship is ever possible between us that will develop over an extended time period. It feels good to have space but of course sad to lose our relationship in the form that it was.

This situation has certainly pointed out where I have work to do, and also made me really consider what I want from relationships. I am gonna hold off from serious relationships until I have at least half an answer to that last question! Thanks again for your comments x
 
Sorry to hear about the breakup ... it was probably for the best under the circumstances.
 
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