Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

Why is it that all of these women (men too) who are so worried about "stalkers" and lame-o's that they can't/won't send a quick, "Thank you, but I'm not interested. Good Luck" have never heard of the ignore, block, or report buttons?

Hi Vandalin,

Probably the same reason, that people with the expectation of getting a response no matter what, don`t pay attention to the fact that OKC shows how often a person replies. 'Rarely' , 'Selectively', 'Often'.

If any person, only wants to deal with someone who responds no matter what,..then they need to pay closer attention to the profile ! :)


I do agree with you, regarding someone you are already interested in/conversing with. If they lose interest, or need to vanish, common courtesy would be to say so, not leave a person hanging.
 
Yeah, on both.

As far as the messaging goes, just last wk I had this guy msg me. I checked his profile. As far as looks go, he admitted to being 5'4" and 265 lbs. That's just unhealthy... plus my ex and I were overweight and unhealthy in a lot of ways, and I just dont want to deal. I'm fit now. I like to hike and swim, and have a lot of vigorous sex. I doubt he was capable of any of that.

Personality-wise, this guy was a right wing fundie christian looking for a monogamous wife. I state in my profile I am queer/bi, poly, a switch and a skeptical atheist/pagan.

His spelling was atrocious. It was extremely apparent he hadn't spent 1 minute reviewing my profile. He'd maybe just looked at my pix, thought I was hot, and that was enough for him.

This is so unmannerly and just wack, he doesn't deserve the 2 minutes it would take me to reply, no thanks, and block him in case he was persistent.
 
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i'm in las vegas...I have little hope. Everyone here is either a serial monogamous, a mormon, a part of some orthodox religious section, or just really conservative. I'm pretty convinced funny, smart, and attractive poly men and women don't actually exist around me(j/k). I suppose opening your horizons to cali people is an option though. L.A is close to las vegas :p

My couple lives a little over an hour outside of LV, and I live in Mormon heartland "Utah" (although I'm not Mormon)......So you just never know!
 
Heh, I didn't see this thread until today. I just pulled my profile off OKC last night. All the experiences I had were positive, and I met some fine friends; it's just that for me it's a little TOO seductive to spend a couple of hours looking through profiles for people that sound interesting, messaging, chatting...and then I realize I really wanted to spend some face-time with one of my friends instead of being online.

Had some good dates, though. My rule was to be honest, honest, honest, and polite-respectful-considerate always. It seems that there are enough rude, pushy, dishonest guys out there that if a fellow is a gentleman women appreciate him. Also, being able to put words in a coherent line is a help.

From what I read and experienced there is a HUGE divide between the experience for men and for women. I read some absolutely hideous chat logs that women posted -- the men in the chat were not just rude, they were violently abusive.
 
A couple online dating etiquette ?s

I've come up on a couple of questions that I'm not sure how to handle on OKC. Hoping for some advice. :)

The first question is a little convoluted... I started messaging someone and later recognized her as someone who works at the (family, not adult) video rental store down the street (I'm 98% certain). Mal and I usually go to this store 2-4 times a month. I messaged her, asking if she does work at this store and saying that we may have met in passing. I sent this message six days ago. She hasn't written back yet. I realize this could simply be that it's the holidays and she's been busy, but she has logged in a couple of times and I think it's possible that she may not ever write me back. If she doesn't, how should I handle going to the video store? I have several pictures up online, so if I go in it's entirely possible that she will recognize me. Should I pretend I don't know her? Introduce myself? Avoid the store entirely and rent movies from another store? I've had the impression that it's an unwritten rule that you don't create a meeting with someone from an online dating site without mutual agreement, but how do you handle that when the person works at a place you go to on a regular basis?

The other question is probably more common, and I think I'm asking this mostly because I have so little experience dating, much less using an online dating site. There's one person I've been messaging that I've realized I'm just not compatible with in "that way". I know I could just stop messaging her, but that seems... rude, and cheap. Neither of us have said anything specific about dating / wanting a girlfriend, it's just been friendly messages about our lives and interests. Is there a polite way to say, "thanks, but I'm only interested as pen pals"?

Thanks for any advice / opinions :)
 
First off I HATE IT when people just stop responding to messages! I have had it happen several times on OKC... Its so lame and shallow.... OKC is flakey girl central.

In the case of the woman you're not interested in, as long as you haven't talked specifics, and you don't mind the occasional pen-pal email... why not just keep going at that rate? If she comes right out and asks something specific you can then just say something along the lines of you just don't feel that kind of connection.

In my search I met a woman a few hours away that "could" fit the arrangement I want... but there is like no attraction at all. But at the same time I like to talk to her now and then about randomness too. Online dating is just like real dating... sometimes there just isn't a connection on that level and you just end up meeting a new person, friend if you're really lucky.

As far as video store girl goes.... I again think its incredibly rude to just ignore someone after they took the time to write you an email.... grrr, but you could just "bigger" person and continue renting videos there like nothing ever happened and just treat her like you always have. I really doubt she is going to bring it up. Did you get into specifics with her?

Then again there is always netflix... :rolleyes:
 
Q1: Next time you're in the video store and she's on the job, just be friendly and approachable. Along the lines of "How are you today? Some weather, eh?" If she wants to take the conversation in a different direction, you've opened the door. If she doesn't . . . well, she is on the job, after all. There are likely policies about socializing on company time.

Q2: it sounds like the relationship between the two of you, pen pals, is right where you want it. It may be exactly what she wants too. The cyber friendship may run its course and eventually die of natural causes. If she invites you to take the relationship further than you're comfortable, decline. Be kind, but direct. "Thanks for thinking of me. I have enjoyed getting to know you better, but I don't think we're going to be compatible for a deeper relationship than we have now. I hope we can continue to be pen pals, because I have really enjoyed our conversations."

Just my $0.02.
 
@ Raven : There is a thread about OKC that might be helpful to you. Search for OKC. :)

As for the girl, I think being 'recognized' tends to panic people, and they shut down. Especially if they are recognized through their place of employment. Go in, and act like nothing ever happened. for me, I wouldn`t offer 'recognition' in person, after she shut-down online already. If something happens to change, then be open to her change of heart. :)

@ Andy : Some people like you, do find it rude when they aren`t responded to. The best way to avoid feeling annoyed, is to put yourself in another person`s shoes.
#1- OKC has a feature that allows you to know how often someone responds to messages. If you don`t like those stats, stay clear. :)
#2- MANY times, a simple 'no thank-you, take care.' is responded to, yet again, and even may include insults. There are some folks that find that hard to deal with. It`s better for them not to respond at all.

#3 - If I am at a party, and conversing with someone who I end up not liking much, I probably keep on mingling. I probably wouldn`t go out of my way to walk back up to them and say; ' Hey, I don`t like you, just thought you should know.'

..sometimes we put odd rules on each other, with dating sites. I think this is one of them.

It`s the equivalent of telling people they have to answer the phone in their house for every single call, and have to answer the door to every salesman.

Anyhow, just another POV. Like I said, there is a pretty good thread in exsistance if anyone is curious. :)
 
The cyber friendship may run its course and eventually die of natural causes.

As someone who has had many "cyber friendships", I can attest that all die of natural causes within a year, unless you take the next step and make it a real life friendship. :/

@SourGirl - I am not really talking about the ones that never respond at all, but more the 3 or 4 messages and then nothing. This has happened to me 3 times where I though maybe something could develop, only to have a message never returned and be left wondering what the hell.... grr Its sorta akin to talking to a girl at a bar and having her abruptly walk away and never come back. I know the internet offers a sense of anonymity, but in the end there are real people on both ends and I think manners still apply.

In the end I remind myself that the girl I am looking for wouldn't do that and feel better about it. :)
 
@SourGirl - I am not really talking about the ones that never respond at all, but more the 3 or 4 messages and then nothing. This has happened to me 3 times where I though maybe something could develop, only to have a message never returned and be left wondering what the hell.... grr Its sorta akin to talking to a girl at a bar and having her abruptly walk away and never come back. I know the internet offers a sense of anonymity, but in the end there are real people on both ends and I think manners still apply.

In the end I remind myself that the girl I am looking for wouldn't do that and feel better about it. :)

That is a good thing to remind yourself. :) At the end of the day, if that is a suitability requirement, then it`s best if they weed themselves out early.

I imagine, from what most men say about online dating, this is more frustrating for men, then women. If I am in contact with someone and at some point, and they dont reply, I usually dont notice until much , much later, if at all.

I don`t mean to pick your words apart, though find myself with different experiences. :) I had/have a online friendship with someone that lasted 3 years before we met. A few others I never met at all, but we stay in touch, on a semi-regular basis.
 
Hey Raven,

I think you are on the right track about her delay or dropping of communication. It IS the holiday and it is easy to 'get behind' on communications if you do much of it.
I also agree that the fact you may have physically located her may freak her out. Many people (wisely in my book) prefer to keep their 'online' life totally separated from their real life. Very wise ! It's unfortunate you broached that subject at all (knowing where she works etc). That might even send me running ! Such is often the approach of stalkers & weirdos. If there's ANY chance of reestablishing any communication with her I suggest you write her a letter explaining that you NOW are aware of this, are very sorry for potentially freaking her out, and promise you won't bother her more unless she desires it. And then hold to that. Lesson learned the hard way.

Of course I may be wrong.................maybe it's only the holiday delay.
For your sake I hope so.

As an example of how real life situations develop unintentionally.......
I once had a sweet GF. It was early in the relationship - we had only been together once or twice. One day she shows up at my workplace with a picnic lunch for us to share ! It was a sweet, heartfelt gesture and I loved her for it !
Now this workplace was over-run with christian conservatives etc who of course all knew I was married, knew my mate etc. Couple this with the fact that she was many years younger than me. Ohhhhhh the looks & smirks that followed. I tried to slide under this gracefully by explaining that she was a GF of my daughters who happened to be going to school in the area now. I have no idea how this flew - and didn't care in the long run, but the color of my face I'm sure told a whole 'nother story !

Best to get to know each other well - life circumstances etc - as well as a hint of peoples worldly knowledge before too much personal info gets transfered. Her intentions were beautiful but for some people the results could have been disastrous.

GS
 
Thanks for all the replies :) I think, if I don't hear back from the girl at the video store, I'll just play it by ear the next time I go to rent a movie. If she looks unhappy or "deer in the headlights," then I'll just go about my business as if I never heard of her outside of renting movies; if she looks friendly I'll be friendly as well (although I have no intentions of bringing up her OKC profile at her work).

I'm curious, GS, what would you have suggested as the alternative, since she works at a small store that I frequent? If it was just that I thought she worked somewhere I wasn't planning on going, I wouldn't have brought it up. But I've already talked Mal out of going to rent a movie twice since we recognized her, out of fears that I would freak her out by showing up at her work unannounced. It's one of our "go-tos" when we want to relax and have no other plans, especially during breaks from school (like now). I brought it up in the hopes that she would give me some direction - "yeah, I work there, but some of my coworkers aren't so accepting so I'll have to pretend to not know you"; "yeah, I work there, maybe I'll see you next time you come rent a movie"; "no, actually, you must be mistaken" - and so that she would have a heads-up that I tend to go to where she works. I realized this may freak her out, but I thought the other option would freak her out more.
 
I think I would try and remember that she probably thought her private life would not show up at her job and is freaked that anyone would know her in that way at work.

To ease her fears I think I would smile, say hi and be polite and respectful. I do that with an old tennant we had who works at the grocery store I shop at. It was a miserable tennancy for her and therefore us and I figure she is embarrassed and would love to deek and avoid when I come in. I just smile, ask how she's doing and go about buying my groceries from her. I go there with Mono and LB quite often, she probably thinks I'm not with PN any more. Over time we have relaxed and act as if we have no past.

I find it incredibly rude and flakey to be ignored by people I have met on line. I think its a great attitude to blow them off and remember that the one you would be with wouldn't be like that. I simply don't invest anymore with people on line until I meet them in person. I know that's sad but unfortunately I need to do this in order to not get my feelings hurt.
 
.........
I'm curious, GS, what would you have suggested as the alternative, since she works at a small store that I frequent?

It depends, but in general I would never share with someone I hadn't met in person that I have 'more' information on them. Places they live, hang out, work - nothing ! Even if I did have more info. Some people are just very sensitive to their privacy - which again, I feel is very wise.
I've been in that situation a couple times. Just because of my profession, network, etc I often have an ability to learn such things about people I've chatted with on line. NEVER would I tell them I knew this information until they chose to share it themself. It can give the totally wrong impression.
If, in a situation like yours I happened upon this knowledge, I might continue to just stop by, have a little regular interaction etc, and let it go without ever mentioning that we were talking on line. It could have given you and your SO a chance to meet her informally (get a look at least), a feel for her personality etc, all with no harm done no matter which way the wind blew.
But even, if for example, you had exchanged face pics and so could all have good reason to identify each other, at her workplace I would have kept my interaction limited to clerk-customer without so much as a wink or smirk (if possible). At most I would have wanted it to mimic the interaction of a frequent customer known to her (and other staff).
Leaving it with a "hope to see you again" ................

From there the online flirtation will either continue - or stop - from either parties end. It either sparked more curiosity - or killed it. End of story.

GS
 
Meeting people online - what's your thing?

This is just my own personal pet peeve so please don't take it personally anyone. I don't get the appeal of meeting people on line at all. The mentality for the most part seems to be one of on line shopping where people are sitting at their desk browsing through a catalog mainly based on the outside physical appearance. When I'm meeting someone I prefer to meet the whole person. I've never been a fan of meeting people through the internet. I'd much rather take part in activities that I enjoy and go to events that interest me. The pool of people might be smaller that way but at the very least I know that if there is a spark (either of friendship or something more) that it is based in something authentic rather than how I look in a couple of pictures and how cleverly I can write (or have someone else write) a profile.

I've also noticed that there is a lack of common decency amongst people on line (my husband's experience more than my own) of people simply ignoring messages from potential suitors. Would it kill you to write something back and say "thank you for the message but..." I might not have much intention of meeting people through dating sites (I have a profile on there to allow for contact with potential interests of my husband) but I will happily carry on a conversation.

This probably isn't the best thread for this rant. And yet again, if on line dating is working for you, have at it. :eek:
 
This is a good topic and I hope you don't mind that I made it its own thread.

I don't mind meeting people online organically, but using dating sites is too much like "shopping" and reminds me of unicorn-hunting where people have some pre-conceived idea of what they would like to find. Like Derby, I prefer to just see who comes along and whether I'm interested or not.
 
yep I agree, i'm finding that out after being out of the dating scene for awhile, you forget how silly online dating can be. I know it will happen when we aren't looking but now that we know it's out there I can't help but wish for another relationship. It does however make it easier for me to talk to other people with the same aspects and learn experiences from others but as far as actually finding someone like NeonKaos said it's better to see who comes along.
 
For me it`s almost the 'only' way I am willing to date past my primary relationship.

I dont have time, nor interest to do 'poly' get togethers, or go to places where people meet and group. I`ve met lots of great people at swing clubs, but obviously looking for different things then me.
I wont mix business with pleasure in anyway, shape, or form, so allowing relationships to bloom within my hobbies and interests is a no-go.

My babysitter time is very precious, and even it it weren`t for a million responsibilities, I probably would still prefer it.

I like the fact I am not distracted by a persons looks, or gestures. I like taking a long time to chat online before I ever meet a person. I usually chat a month or 2, before meeting someone.

This truly weeds out the wrong kind of people. I met my husband of 10 years from a online chatroom I use to run. We talked for 4 weeks, beforehand. It wasn`t sexual either, just a local chat, some flirt, no 'cybering' or dirty pic exchanges,..and most of all, no pressure. We just felt compelled.
We had huge chemistry the minute we met. :) and all the vanilla changed. ;)

So,..I dont think online takes away from the face to face, it just helps those of us with time constraints, sort out the no-goods before we have to waste time and meet them.
Those that want to meet people 'naturally' ...well that makes great sense. :) My husband is that way too, prefers things to develop of their own accord, so I 'get it'. For me, I prefer to be the approacher, rather then approached, so the 'natural' meet would rarely ever work for someone who came up to me randomly.
I`ve also decided to only get involved with people who have prior open relationship knowledge.

So put all those things together, and it makes sense for someone like me to choose to make new contacts, via online.
 
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