the "one-penis policy" thread

Spork, it seems to be an almost universal thing among guys to fantasize about threesomes. I don"t know why. I have enjoyed a few myself, but it wore off for me.

Cat wanted a girlfriend to go out with and have occasional sex with. When she thought she found one (it ended up not working out) she mentioned that she might even be interested in a threesome. I told her it was fine if it didn"t happen and she should just concentrate on enjoying her relationship without feeling I had to be brought into it. I suspect she felt as you do, that I might be hurt if she didn't offer.

It sounds like Zen doesn't have a poly bone in his body. Cut him a little slack on his misconceptions...lol. I remember a time when I thought poly meant everyone lived in the same house together. Also, I think heterosexuals do place a lot of importance on body parts. I think it's hard not to project our preferences onto others. Having been heteroflexible in the past I get what you are saying. I think one would have to experience that to truly get it though.
 
I've been a good "wingman" for male friends in bars in my youth. I should be able to attract a perfect woman for both of us to play with.
Read that again to realize exactly how absurd this expectation is. You are you and people are attracted to you or not, and he is him and other people are attracted to him. To expect you to find a woman he can play with (let alone a perfect one), without much of his involvement it seems... Spork, is it really you writing that sentence?

Especially with all you've written bellow... just drop that endeavour. Be YOU and find a play partner for YOURSELF if you wish to.
 
Read that again to realize exactly how absurd this expectation is. You are you and people are attracted to you or not, and he is him and other people are attracted to him. To expect you to find a woman he can play with (let alone a perfect one), without much of his involvement it seems... Spork, is it really you writing that sentence?

Especially with all you've written bellow... just drop that endeavour. Be YOU and find a play partner for YOURSELF if you wish to.

I know how ridiculous it is, in the sense that those who have done poly KNOW BETTER and understand these sorts of fundamental flaws in the "unicorn hunter" concept. But not being able to do it feels like ~I am failing him~ in something I should have been able to somehow bring to his life. Also, I know a thing or 2 about some of his fantasies, and I already struggle with elements of "I can't please him." So. It's feelings stuff which does not, as we know, always bow to brain-logic. Part of it is the simple fact that I'm a gregarious extrovert and people just like me pretty easily. Zen is harder to connect with, more introverted, and takes longer to relax and open up, and seems to have more obstacles to forming new connections (especially those that could lead to play or sex) between the basic difficulty of being an older guy, the social awkwardness he's got sometimes, and the many obstacles in his own head... I feel like I should be able to help with something like this at a basic level because it's kind of a strength for me. And yet...I don't feel comfortable even trying, because of some of the realities as we know them, even to the point of how I felt when I encountered a couple once where the woman was clearly in service to her male Dom in the capacity of "bait" to pull other women. It was...sketchy. I don't wanna be that.

And beyond even the notion of finding the impossible, is the further problem that he and I want very different things from and with others. I think that alone is helping me to reshape my mental landscape and have conversations with him. Because he wants casual play at parties and possibly a little sexual fun, but doesn't need to really get to know them and certainly wants no feelings or relationship with them. I want the feelings and relationships and could not care less about the sex. I might even be more comfortable or happy if it were simply off the table.

Where my confusion comes in, I guess, is that I don't see where opening up to allow more penis into the picture is the solution to any of this. Maybe it's not. And yet the "OPP" feels like part of the problem somehow.

I dunno, forgive me, I'm kinda rambling, brain not braining so good this morning.
 
Where my confusion comes in, I guess, is that I don't see where opening up to allow more penis into the picture is the solution to any of this. Maybe it's not. And yet the "OPP" feels like part of the problem somehow.
"Allowing more penis" is not the solution per se, meeting your outside-the-relationship social and sexual needs individually is.

Let his social problems be his. If he's uncertain in asking a woman to have a scene? He has to do the bulk of the work. I know you want to help - and you can by encouraging him to go out on his own and giving him space at parties, you just can't solve his problem for him, or go against your own values and social needs.

From what I know about him I admire your Zen. But in this case, to be harsh, it seems he hasn't grown past early twenties. You wouldn't go and find girls for your sons to help them skip the social learning curve, would you?
 
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"Allowing more penis" is not the solution per se, meeting your outside-the-relationship social and sexual needs individually is.

Let his social problems be his. If he's uncertain in asking a woman to have a scene? He has to do the bulk of the work. I know you want to help - and you can by encouraging him to go out on his own and giving him space at parties, you just can't solve his problem for him, or go against your own values and social needs.

From what I know about him I admire your Zen. But in this case, to be harsh, it seems he hasn't grown past early twenties. You wouldn't go and find girls for your sons to help them skip the social learning curve, would you?

Not at all. And while I would not be quite so harsh as to put it "he hasn't grown past early twenties" I would say that there are many things that many people DO in their early twenties, that Zen did not, particularly in the realm of figuring out how to date and initiate and pursue sexual activity with women. He and I have talked about this a great deal. Frankly his uniqueness in this area is something I find fascinating and endearing and I kind of respect him for how he didn't blindly chase after sex with women as many guys do, and damn the consequences. He thought, and perhaps overthought, but there was also this sort of respect for what kind of situation he could get himself (and/or the hypothetical woman) into, that held him back...and you just don't see that kind of restraint and sense in a lot of men, especially young ones. It also feels like an honor to be in his life, BECAUSE he doesn't just indiscriminately chase women, or engage in this kind of thing lightly or easily.

Well, if I have recognized already much of what you're saying, in terms of the limits of any involvement in whatever process he has to finding other partners for activities, I think/hope that at least it does help that I talk about him in our community so that his reputation as a safe and respectful player is out there. The one thing I know, is that he wants to be very sensitive to women's boundaries, and particularly if he gets negotiation underway for a scene, he's not the kind of man to want to take advantage of things. He is interested in doing more service topping, and I think he is good for it.

I've just internalized a lot of stuff from the men I've known all my life, where if they found out I was bi, let alone if I had a woman I was involved with, they figured they had an "in" to be part of a threesome, or at least to watch. It's a whole...thing...you know? And saying, "Um...no, you're not invited" feels kind of mean.
 
When I talk about OPP I am referring to the scenario in which the man sets down a hard and fast rule that no other penises can be involve, with total disregard for what the woman thinks.

If the woman has no desire for other penises, then it's not really an OPP rule.

I see the HBB thing as a separate issue. If it feels coerced then go with your gut and don't do it. If it's something you enjoy then have fun. I think it's great that you want to do something to please him, but how many times have we seen women come on here and say they did it for him and it ended up being a complete disaster.

Spork, I think I recall you saying you could switch it (poly or nonmonagamy) on and off. Maybe there is no dimmer switch? It seems like it would be hard for you to tune it to only women so it's simpler to just stay monogamous.
 
When I talk about OPP I am referring to the scenario in which the man sets down a hard and fast rule that no other penises can be involve, with total disregard for what the woman thinks.

If the woman has no desire for other penises, then it's not really an OPP rule.

I see the HBB thing as a separate issue. If it feels coerced then go with your gut and don't do it. If it's something you enjoy then have fun. I think it's great that you want to do something to please him, but how many times have we seen women come on here and say they did it for him and it ended up being a complete disaster.

Spork, I think I recall you saying you could switch it (poly or nonmonagamy) on and off. Maybe there is no dimmer switch? It seems like it would be hard for you to tune it to only women so it's simpler to just stay monogamous.

Yes. So long as my social/emotional behavior isn't restricted.

And the main reason I even came on this thread to post, is that I find it very interesting how INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT it feels, between the relationship I had in the past where it was the man's rule, no input from me asked for or needed...in fact, he was suspicious I was always on the verge of cheating, and only his position of authority was preventing me from just running around banging other men...that felt incredibly disrespectful of my very agency as a person who can make her own choices... And contrast that against what I'm doing now, which still has the effect of "Spork not sexing it up with other fellas" but was NEVER imposed on me. It was if anything something I offered to Zen of my own volition.

So I'm like wow, the huge difference, emotionally, between those two things. Same policy more or less, but arrived at from entirely different directions, with entirely different mindsets. The Spork who loves psychology is intrigued...but also wondering if the resulting behavioral dynamics of trying to do any sort of polysex or casual/open WITH an OPP in place, no matter how it was arrived at, can be emotionally and relationally problematic, best of intentions be damned.
 
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