Can bondage be poly?

BlackJester

New member
Hey all, minor recap to those whom I haven't met, my girlfriend of three years and are are just embarking on the concept of polyamory, and other consensual non monogamy. Few nights ago she approached me about her fetish (if it counts as one) about being involved with multiple partners at once sexually. A gangbang to put a blunt point. I'm perfectly ok with this and it actually makes me feel more accepted that she shares the views I do in some capacity already.

Here's where things get kinky. I'm into self bondage and she's expressing more direct interest in traditional BDSM, especially since I disclosed my views on polyamory. My question to the masses is whether or not BDSM can be a healthy mechanic in this situation? We're the sweetest things to each other day to day and the sex is fantastic with our newfound excitement, but I can't help wonder if this would be a healthy environment for poly realtions if the control games of BDSM are present. Thoughts, views?
 
My fiancee and I have a mix of a regular and BDSM relationship (I'm a submissive). My relationship with Lamian and Darkeyes is a pure BDSM one (I'm their pet). My relationship with Primal has no BDSM elements in it.

So yes, poly relationships can work within a BDSM setting.
 
Poly can and does work within a BDSM framework. There are a couple fetlife poly groups you can look into. But I would caution you that not everyone kinky is looking for a loving relationship.
 
Poly can and does work within a BDSM framework. There are a couple fetlife poly groups you can look into. But I would caution you that not everyone kinky is looking for a loving relationship.

And not everyone looking for love will be kinky. Fact of life it seems lmao.
 
It can. But doesn't necessarily.

I am submissive to one partner, Dominant to the other.

My submissive partner has a tattoo on the back of his neck acknowledging his submission to me. :) Very cool.

We do have a rule:
No one else Dom's my sub and I have no other subs..
No one else Dom's me but my Dom and my Dom takes no other subs.

It's ok to play with BDSM activities with others if one wishes-but no formal recognition of position.
 
@radiance: I'd love to hear more about that tat (ink freak lmao) and very interesting relationship model, very clearly defined rules without the pigeon hole problem of "must match criteria"
 
There are some poly people who are into BDSM, and there are some BDSM people that are into poly. But it isn't an "automatic" interest. Just because one is into poly -- that doesn't mean they will automatically be into BDSM too. Just because someone is into BDSM -- it doesn't mean they are into poly.

Both require excellent communication to execute well.

But I don't see how multiple partner sex in a BDSM context is poly unless you already have established some kind of polyship with these people. Then you are in polyship who happen to be sharing sex in a BDSM style.

Otherwise it is multipartner sex BDSM style -- people coming together to have that single, stand alone experience. But not necessarily a polyship coming out of the shared sex experience.

Whether it is healthy or not -- that depends on all the players and their healths going in.

Galagirl
 
There are plenty of poly people who are kinky, plenty who are vanilla, and every shade in between.

Polyamory is simply a framework for managing multiple relationships. Those relationships can involve whatever sexual practices you want, if everyone agrees and is into it. Group sex is not a defining feature of polyamory, nor does every poly person participate in group sex or any other kink. However, poly and kinky practices are not incongruent with each other.

There is a long "Master Thread" on the topic here: BDsm

If you do a search for other terms that interest you, I am sure you will find some other discussions that may be helpful or illuminating.
 
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@radiance: I'd love to hear more about that tat (ink freak lmao) and very interesting relationship model, very clearly defined rules without the pigeon hole problem of "must match criteria"
I designed the tat-but I don't have a pic of it on my laptop. I think there is one on my fb. I'll see if I can find one in the next day or so. It's a figure 8 sideways (eternity symbol) made of a three color braid (green, red, purple) with the words "Her wish, my command".

And yes-I have VERY VERY different dynamics with each of my loves in poly and in D/s. They are VERY VERY VERY different people. ;)
 
Of course the only rules that count are the ones that work for you & your loved ones in your relationships.

That said, speaking as someone who has been involved in poly relationships, and power-exchange bdsm relationships for over a decade, I can say for sure (for myself) that healthy poly has to involve people consensually deciding what is right for themselves.

I have seen power-exchange based poly relationships go boom because some master/mistress ordered their slave/property to do something that was against that person's poly or mono nature, whether it was have no other relationships, or to have a relationship that they didn't really want.

Feelings cannot be dominated. It's like trying to whip the stormy seas into submission with a cat-o-nine tails.
 
re: whether or not BDSM can be a healthy dynamic, it really depends on how honest and aware you are of any emotions brought up by the ways you play, and your ability to deal with these things.

I like the body/mind fuck of kinky play, but combining this with poly relationship dynamics sometimes meant an extra layer of negotiation. For example, I noticed that my first partner became less interested in rough sex after I got together with a second partner who also enjoyed kink (we're more of the fluid/switching kind of folks, but here I'm thinking particularly of me subbing and them domming). After a lot of unpacking, we discovered that my first partner had assumed inferiority to my second partner in this department - the latter having more brute strength, being more passionately vicious etc. And when we (the two of us) would play with d/s or s/m dynamics, my first partner couldn't help feeling like I'd prefer it with my second partner and, not wanting to be a poor substitute, simply wouldn't be into it.

We both could have continued to superficially play like always, and not addressed our feelings. But talking was essential to keeping it real.

The same skills which help with poly in general (open, honest communication etc) would make BDSM dynamics work, I reckon. Good luck and have fun ;)
 
Poly and bdsm in any ratio can be healthy. Communication was already mentioned so I won't dwell on that.

What I will dwell on is the importance of separating the two emotionally and intellectually. Poly is not bdsm, bdsm is not poly, and it's important to understand the details and intricacies of each, in and of itself.

Inevitably, you will stumble over something at some point. Everyone does, both in poly and bdsm. No one is born an expert in both fields. You learn through experience.

So it's important to have as much information as you can get about both poly and bdsm. It's important to know what kind of activities are poly (eg. dating another person) and what kind of activities are bdsm (eg. gangbang). Then when problems happen, it's important to analyze: what parts of this problem are within polyamory, what parts are within bdsm, and what parts come from combining the two?

Personally, I would probably pick one to focus on first, get comfortable with it, and then explore the other. That's just how I would do it, and not necessarily a recommendation on how you should do it. But that approach has two advantages. First, if you have an issue right away, you know exactly what the issues is from. Second, you get to spread out the discovery more... Sure, you can have an explosion of polyamory-bdsm... but where do you go from there? If you spread it out, you get more explosions. There's a limit to how awesome one experience can be; eventually you reach a point of diminishing returns.
 
Hi Jester :)

Like a lot of other people here, I agree that kink and poly can go hand-in-hand, rope-on-wrist, paddle-on-ass, etc... ~grins~

I like Schrodinger's suggestion to perhaps explore one thing at a time.

I know from experience that for me *personally*, too many rocky things can make me topple. I'd rather deal with one new, potentially emotional or stressful situation at a time, than pile them all up at once. But then, I'm a scaredy cat and you may be braver. ;)

Hmmm... as for BDSM and poly... do you specifically mean in terms of say... Master/sub relationships tending to be monogamous, therefore, where's the room for other partners? Or do you mean in terms of health and safety?

I am a Domme and unlike a lot of Mistresses and Masters, I do not actually believe in the idea of submissives having to stick to one dominant...yet Dom/mes being able to have multiple submissives. I feel that if I want multiple submissives, all of them can play with other Dom/mes. If I got to the point of collaring a submissive, I would arrange rules that we were both happy with; but definitely not a blanket "you are my submissive, you must not date anyone else". That kind of 24/7 control is reserved, in my eyes, for Master/slave relationships.

As for safety... I feel it is the same as any other kind of poly. Make sure you use protection, discuss what kind of sex is ok (everything? no oral? no fluid exchanges?) Get regular STI tests, etc.

BDSM can be a great mechanic in poly. Both my girlfriend and I are Mistresses and her husband is a switch. If I can eventually have a girl, she can have a boy and her husband can join in, then we have a little poly group that is safe and trustworthy, yet still flexible and fresh.

I hope that helps to answer your question!
 
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