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  #11  
Old 04-22-2014, 03:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't think flirting is a big deal. People who are part of a couple can have flirty friendships without those being threatening in any way. One can even fantasize about a friend being more than that without it meaning there is an emotional affair going on. Sheesh, I think looking at a few online friendships where you feel some kind of attraction and curiosity, and evn toy with the idea of dating them, doesn't mean you are cheating or need to confess to some horrible emotional affair. What you're doing sounds innocent enough to me, and I think there are other issues that take priority over that for you.

I think you need to dive in deeper inside yourself and determine, as someone said earlier in the thread, whether or not your desire to be with others is worth the potential risk of losing your husband. Now, I personally think that, with compassion, cautiousness, and gentleness, you can bring up difficult topics with a partner and discuss them little by little until talking about them becomes more comfortable for both of you.

Feeling acknowledged and accepted for who you are can go a long way, and if you two can reach a point where he understands and accepts your desires and appreciates you for who you are (despite his not liking those desires), you might even choose not to pursue other relationships but feel that the acceptance is all you need. Or maybe you work towards an outcome where you can see multiple people - could be a rocky road, but you never know.

Thing is, it all starts with gentle, thoughtful discussion. You could start by asking him for his compassion and letting him know that you need to talk about something important to you, but that you only want him to listen first without jumping to conclusions or giving in to a reaction right away.
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  #12  
Old 04-22-2014, 03:59 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Gnxtdr

Thanks for your understanding that you should tell your husband the truth about these men.You are in contact with . For clarification your post does not indicate that these were people you already knew that you are just flirting with. They are strange men you are contacting online and considering moving forward with that your husband has no idea about. Is that correct? Even if poly was not being discussed, how would he feel about just that.? Your answer will tell you what to do on hat one.
I agree that is not the major portion of the conversation you should have but if what I stated is correct you are already being not honest withhding what you are doing. If they were already friends it becomes less important
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  #13  
Old 04-22-2014, 05:39 PM
grlnxtdr grlnxtdr is offline
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I should probably clarify the situation going on between me and these men. My husband and I play some online gaming with both these men. So he and I talk to both of them, I just happen to know them on a more personal level. Now I didn't go online intentionally looking to start relationships with them. What began as a casual friendship evolved into something more serious. Now the likelihood of me actually getting together with them is pretty low, especially with one of them considering he's married, and that would not fly with his wife. My relationship with the other one is still pretty new, but it's clear it has become more intimate than just a friendship.
To be completely honest, I guess I just crave NRE. I remember how I felt when my husband and I were dating and I want that. My husband is aware of this. He says I'm just addicted to "puppy love" and maybe he's right. Which I guess is why I want to see other people, so I can experience NRE while continuing my marriage with my husband. Call me a bad person, but I don't want these men, or any other potential relationship for that matter, to become like a second or third husband or wife. I have no desire for any relationship to get to the point where they may potentially move in with us, or want kids with us, etc. A LDR seems ideal for me. In constant communication, but only getting together from time to time, whereas to keep the NRE alive. But on the other hand, should the occasional "OMG I wanna have sex with that person" situation come up, I want to be able to take part in that to. It seems I want a combination of poly and open marriage.
Does this all make sense??
Whether or not I decide to pursue any of this, I know the first thing I have to do is have a frank conversation with my husband letting him know my feelings regardless of how scary it is. I just can't seem to force myself to do it yet.
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  #14  
Old 04-22-2014, 05:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Whether or not I decide to pursue any of this, I know the first thing I have to do is have a frank conversation with my husband letting him know my feelings regardless of how scary it is. I just can't seem to force myself to do it yet.
Other than not knowing his reaction or outcome ahead of time... what makes it hard or scary to do?

For instance, if talking verbally is hard because you lose your place in the conversation or emotions well up, maybe you want to write a letter and communicate that way instead?

And if this is wanting NRE wooing/attention... that's not something you can achieve with spouse?

Quote:
I remember how I felt when my husband and I were dating and I want that. My husband is aware of this. He says I'm just addicted to "puppy love" and maybe he's right.
He's not willing to continue to continue to court you?

It's fun to experience the brain chemistry dump of "whee!" but that isn't exclusive to NRE. Established relationships can keep regenerating that too.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-22-2014 at 06:11 PM.
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  #15  
Old 04-22-2014, 08:03 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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grlnxtdr

try to relax. Of course it is scary. You are about to have a conversation that can alter your life situation dramatically and if you were not scared or nervous it would be strange. Just gather your thoughts as best you can, pick an appropriate time, and do your best to be as clear as you can.

As far as the "gaming" guy conversations are concerned, while you husband knows these guys, he does NOT know these have turned flirtatous, especially with guy #2. I'd say not a dealbreaker but i would still tell him.

Dont be surprised if after you have this conversation that if your husband starts to monitor your actions and interactions or takes a greater interest in them, especially if he remains adamantly opposed to your ideas. Remember, you are telling a husband who does not accept at this point
any talk of sharing you that you want exactly that. This may annoy you and make the situation worse, but unless you two come to an understanding that you want, he is going to be on guard that you do not pursue without any agreement.

Read Gala Girls post to you. Can you not achieve some of this NRE with him and avoid the dangers of what can happen. Only you can answer that but Gala Girl has put it out there for you to consider.
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  #16  
Old 04-23-2014, 12:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grlnxtdr View Post
To be completely honest, I guess I just crave NRE. I remember how I felt when my husband and I were dating and I want that. My husband is aware of this. He says I'm just addicted to "puppy love" and maybe he's right. Which I guess is why I want to see other people, so I can experience NRE while continuing my marriage with my husband.
Aaah.... that tells a lot. To this, I would say that you need to ask yourself what you need to do in order to have that rush of excitement again with your hubby. It happens with many mono couples that they start seeing their spouse, who they know so well, as "just the same old person, day in & day out" and the marriage as just not exciiting anymore. But we are always changing, growing, and evolving - and so are our partners. So the challenge becomes how to stop expecting them to be the same predictable people we think they are and to look at them every day as someone new. Also find ways go stir up the hot sexy romance again by making sure to go on dates and surprise each other , so you can have NRE with hubby.
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Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
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  #17  
Old 04-25-2014, 10:57 PM
grlnxtdr grlnxtdr is offline
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Quote:
Other than not knowing his reaction or outcome ahead of time... what makes it hard or scary to do?
That's just it. I'm afraid the outcome wont be what i want as well as afraid of hurting him, which i know this conversation will do.

Quote:
He's not willing to continue to continue to court you?
We actually go on dates quite frequently, but the butterflies in your stomach feeling just isn't there.

Quote:
I would say that you need to ask yourself what you need to do in order to have that rush of excitement again with your hubby
He and i have both tried everything we can think of apart from bringing someone else into our marriage. Spicing up our sex life, going on dates, trying new things together yet i still don't feel the spark of fresh love.

I'd like to think a polyamorous lifestyle would strengthen our relationship because the happiness i've experienced from the two online crushes has carried into my marriage, but i cant be sure.
So much to think about.
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  #18  
Old 04-25-2014, 11:41 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"The happiness I've experienced from the two online crushes has carried into my marriage ..."
This phenomenon is called RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy).

I think it's fair to say that NRE is different from what you can feel with your husband. You can deepen your feelings of love with him, but you can't turn him into a new boyfriend; that spell can only be cast to a certain extent.

I recently read a book called "Sex at Dawn;" the authors challenged many assumptions about human sexuality, and one of their interesting points was the idea that humans often crave variety when it comes to sex. Not just variety in one's encounters with one partner, but variety in the sense of having multiple partners. More than one man (e.g. lots of famous men) has been caught cheating on his wife when his marriage with her was perfectly satisfactory. It's hard to explain the man's bizarre behavior unless one can say that he has an intense desire for variety in partners.

This urge to experience this variety is another way to frame the urge to experience the newness of new relationships. NRE comes very naturally when a partner is a new partner.

Your relationship with your husband should always be a work in progress, you should always be looking for ways to improve that relationship. At the same time, perhaps the thing that is hard for your husband to understand is that no matter how great the marriage is, you will still crave the variety of multiple partners. It's not a slam against him, it's just a part of human nature.

Don't know if it helps to look at it that way, but it just struck me that this might be an example of the kind of thing "Sex at Dawn" was talking about.
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  #19  
Old 04-26-2014, 02:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Whether or not I decide to pursue any of this, I know the first thing I have to do is have a frank conversation with my husband letting him know my feelings regardless of how scary it is. I just can't seem to force myself to do it yet.
Quote:
That's just it. I'm afraid the outcome wont be what i want as well as afraid of hurting him, which i know this conversation will do.
I don't know what to tell you then other than to think, wait a bit, and see if you have become more willing to talk to him at a later point.

Knowing that "waiting a while" is limited in usefulness -- you might be ok waiting a while. You probably are not ok waiting 50 years. There's giving yourself time to think things out and then there's avoiding/procrastinating deciding. YKWIM?

You can't learn confidence and reduce your fear of hard convo by "not doing." It is learned by "doing" and in doing so learning that whatever happens, you actually CAN handle it just fine. Over time it becomes less scary/hard to do with people.

Not doing something because you are afraid you won't get the answer you want? You aren't exactly risking getting the answer you DO want either.

Quote:
He and i have both tried everything we can think of apart from bringing someone else into our marriage.
Have you tried having more open, honest conversation? Because I don't see how you can learn to "re-spark" if you are avoiding the deep naked-to-the-soul kinda of talking.

When you avoid talking to him because
  • you don't like feeling vulnerable and squirmy
  • or fear his response
  • or fear having to deal with watching him process emotions -- deeply yucky or deeply yummy ones
  • or some other thing

that (fear thing) lies between you and limits you both as well as the marriage.

You are not allowing yourself to be close to him as you otherwise might. It's also not helping to create emotional intimacy between you.

You could print this whole thread and just fork it over for him. Sometimes just getting it "out there" matters more than "points for style."

People can tell you all sorts of ways to convey the info to him but if what stops you from picking a method and actually having the convo is your willingness to engage... well... Only you can determine your willingness.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-26-2014 at 02:59 AM.
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  #20  
Old 04-26-2014, 02:41 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Read Gala Girls post that says " you are doing things that is inhibiting intimacy in your marraige. You, not your husband , have decided bringing other people into the relationship is the answer. If that is truly the case, you cannot avoid this conversation, regardless of the outcome.
Very few people are with a partner for a long time without at times losing that spark. Therapy can sometimes help that. Not sure if you have considered that.
The bottom line is that if you determine that you must be with other men to be happy then that is what you must do, but do not count on your husband accepting that.
There is no simple or easy answer that anyone on this forum can give you
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