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  #1  
Old 04-21-2014, 03:53 PM
grlnxtdr grlnxtdr is offline
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Hello I'm very new to all of this and hope to gain a little guidance. First, a little about me.
I'm a 26yo female, married to my husband for 5 years with no kids. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself bi sexual, because I've never actually taken part in a bi sexual relationship, but I am at least bi curious. My husband is 100% straight!
Within the last couple years my outlook on life has changed, due to some unfortunate events, causing me to feel the need to explore and fulfill my life. At least for me, that's easier said than done.
For the last year or so I had considered the possibility of introducing my husband and I to an open marriage. Up until recently that is what I thought I wanted. After doing some research I have found that I am more interested in poly than an open marriage. Yes, I want to be able to have sex with others, but I also want to have a relationship with them as well. Here's the problem. I know from conversations in passing that my husband is COMPLETELY against any of this. He has no desire to be with anyone outside our marriage or allow me to do so. Although, I have let him know my interest in having sex with another female to which he has considered letting me do just to "fulfill a fantasy." I'm very happy he would allow me to do this, but I want more. In the last few months I've met a couple male friends online who I potentially want to have a serious relationship with. Now I love my husband and want to stay with him, especially after all we've gone through together, but I just can't hide how i feel anymore. I've given it plenty of time to see if it was just a phase I was going through, but I continue to desire to be with others. I guess I'm just asking for help on how to bring this up to my husband. I know how he feels about the subject and I know he is going to be hurt. He can't bear the thought of his wife being with someone else. I'm worried that he will not be able to handle it and choose to leave me. I'm just as scared to bring it up as I'm sure he will be hearing it.
Any advise is greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 04-21-2014, 05:11 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Welcome.

This is the thing that pops out at me the most:

Quote:
Now I love my husband and want to stay with him, especially after all we've gone through together, but I just can't hide how i feel anymore.
So is this more about being able to express how you feel to your husband and not having to hide how you feel?

Or being able to express how you feel AND being able to act on it?

Because he's already given you his clear limit -- he has no interest in participating in a polyship.

Quote:
I know from conversations in passing that my husband is COMPLETELY against any of this. He has no desire to be with anyone outside our marriage or allow me to do so.
Sounds like a "hard limit" to me -- that won't change in time. This isn't a "soft limit" that could change over time. So if you want to explore polyshipping at this time, it's going to be without him.

If this is about sharing your feelings more openly without fear, then maybe that's possible middle ground. You "close" to be in a monoship with just him and he "opens" to listen to more of your internal stuff to help create deeper emotional intimacy between you.

My 2 cents,

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2014 at 05:18 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-21-2014, 05:15 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Listen to Gala Girl. She has given you the best advice you can get. Maybe you should try to find out through therapy why you are having these feeling and see if you can work them out with your husband BEFORE you attempt to talk to him.
The track record for situations like your is not good. Anything is possible but if you want to play the odds, your situation does not look like it will have a positive outcome
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:03 PM
grlnxtdr grlnxtdr is offline
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Quote:
So is this more about being able to express how you feel to your husband and not having to hide how you feel?

Or being able to express how you feel AND being able to act on it?
Ideally, I want to express how I feel AND be able to act on it.

Quote:
Anything is possible but if you want to play the odds, your situation does not look like it will have a positive outcome
That's what I'm afraid of.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Ideally, I want to express how I feel AND be able to act on it.
Well, if that's what you are shooting for, you can't avoid having the conversation.

Could ask him directly. Maybe something like...
"I know you are not up for polyamory from past conversation. Just to clarify so I can know... Is this a hard limit for you that will NEVER change in time? Or a soft limit for you that could change in time?"
If you don't want to let go of the want to polyship? Best you sort it out now -- sooner rather than later then. Accept he might want something else.

Avoiding sorting it out? That robs both you and him of the ability to seek more compatible partners for the rest of your 20's and into the 30's if this is not something you guys can do together. Part ways as friends, heal, and then move on to seek your next happiness.

Quote:
Quote:
Anything is possible but if you want to play the odds, your situation does not look like it will have a positive outcome
That's what I'm afraid of.
It's not positive outcome for you to be free to pursue the polyshipping you want to be doing? Or to open up to your spouse and talk honestly and grow closer rather than hiding your feelings?

Poly may not be for him, but he is his own person. You can't make him want the things you want.

I think a respectful break up can be viewed a "positive outcome." Much better than continuing unhappy or having a drama-lama break up!

Being willing to be emotionally intimate with your spouse can also be a positive.

Don't let fear of the uncertain future guide your behavior. Go with treating your partner well, with respect, sort it out. You can both handle this -- whether you end up together in a new way (emotionally grown closer for the shared experience) or apart (good exes, now free to date anew).

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2014 at 08:16 PM.
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  #6  
Old 04-21-2014, 06:23 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It sounds like your husband has very clearly expressed his opinion on the matter, and that he's not willing to change his view. There's a tiny sliver of a chance that if the choice comes down to exploring poly and divorce, he might make an initial effort, but the prognosis is negative for long term success.

Sadly, we see these situations far too often and they very rarely work out. We see both sides -- mono partners who just got the news, and poly partners who just delivered it. It's incredibly difficult and painful for the mono partners, because they feel like their whole world is being ripped apart. It's difficult for the poly partners because no matter how hard everybody tries, some people just never are able to be happy in a non-monogamous relationship.

So before doing anything, I recommend choosing which you want more: this particular marriage, or freedom to explore other relationships. If you choose the marriage, you might be able to at least achieve the honesty you also crave by telling him how you feel, but with the disclaimer that you're not planning to act on it, you just need understanding from your life partner.

But even that might be too much for some people. A lot of monogamists can't cope with the fact that their spouse is even capable of loving another person, let alone has the desire to do so. And some people can't be happy knowing they're holding their partner back from a life true to themselves.

It's a tough place to be in. Let us know if you need any support as you go through these next stages. Either way, there will be a process of mourning -- the marriage you have, as you know it, will cease to exist. A new form may be born of the ashes, but things will never be the same.
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:41 PM
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Greetings grlnxtdr,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

All the counsel you've received on this thread so far is good. There's no easy answers and no handy ways you can "convince" your husband. The most you can do is try to talk to him a little at a time.

You've invested five years into this marriage and don't want to lose that investment. What happens when it's been 25 years, plus kids, and you become certain that you can't meet your husband's demands anymore? Then you and he will both be losing a much bigger investment. That's why it might be better to break up sooner rather than later.

How badly do you want to live polyamorously? Is this just a phase, something you might not care so much about ten years down the line?

Something to think about.
Good luck,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Old 04-21-2014, 11:13 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Grlnxtdr

Just re-read your initial post and one thing sticks out indicating it might be better for you to have this conversation with your husband asap. You apparently are already in online contact with two men who you are interested already in meeting. Is your husband aware of that. ??? If the answer to that question is no, you now have another problem. Are you going to lie by omission and not tell him that you have already started moving forward with other men??? If that is the case, then realistically you are already emotionally cheating on him if not in a full blown EA, as something on the way to that. Since poly or any other form of non monogamy generally functions best with no lying, cheating, and relies on honesty, you are already not off to a good start. If you are truthful with you husband, and you should be, he will probably be angrier and more hurt, but that is better than if he finds after the fact, and he will. And if you are at this point already, how long will it be until you take it to PA if the talk does not happen.??
Since you have no kids, you are in a better position than a lot of people because that can be a major issue. However, there are some other things you might want to think about. As Gala Girl pointed out and other probably would agree, if you two decide to split, which it sounds like the best for both of you on what you have said, it will be cheaper if you can do it amicably. That is more likely to happen if you are truthful.
A few other words of caution to protect yourself. The words “divorce” and separation” are abstract terms when just said or on paper. If you were investing your life savings in a business, you would want to be prepared for all the things that can go wrong. If none of them happen, then you are pleasantly surprised, but if they do you are prepared.
So here are just a few things you may want to think about;
(1) Don’t assume that if your husband does not tear the house apart that he is accepting your decision, even if initially he is calm about it. Most men are not going to run to their friends and family and tell them their wife wants to stay married and sleep with other men. He may go into hurt and denial and try to win you back with kindness, hoping you will change your mind. That does not mean he accepts what you have decided.
(2) If he does talk to people, you can assume they are going to tell him to get rid of you period, especially if he talks to men friends. You are on a poly friendly board, as KDT probably has told you in his e mail. The simple fact is very few of his friends or family, if any, are going to tell him he should accept this if he does not want to.
(3) Once the denial stage ends, the real anger will set in. If he is going to divorce you, that is when he will get an attorney. Once that happens, that persons mail objective in life will be to give you as little as the law permits of whatever your assets are. So the question is, how would that affect you. And again, whether it is fair or not, if he asks for divorce on the grounds of adultery, it is unlikely you will come up with a better than 50-50 split.
You are young, so you do need to do what you feel you need to do. None of us have a crystal ball, so we have no idea what the real outcome would be. But I still strongly urge you to be totally honest and disclose everything you have done online so you show your husband the respect he deserves and allow him to make a decision on all the facts.
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  #9  
Old 04-22-2014, 12:43 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Without more detail and transcripts from the online interactions, it's impossible to accurately diagnose an emotional affair between two friends. Flirting a bit, finding a connection, and wanting to pursue it is not the same as actually pursuing it.
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As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
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from getting into a box yourself.
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  #10  
Old 04-22-2014, 03:01 AM
grlnxtdr grlnxtdr is offline
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Quote:
You apparently are already in online contact with two men who you are interested already in meeting. Is your husband aware of that. ???
No my husband does not know about these men. At this point I would consider us to be friends who engage in some casual flirting, with the potential for something more. Having said that, I understand my husband still deserves to know about them. I know my what I need to do, but it hurts me knowing how bad it's going to hurt him when I tell him. I guess I have some real thinking to do.
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