I'm in over my head.

Dr. James Dobson (who has some views I am directly opposed to, yet does have a FEW :confused: decent ideas) wrote a book called "Love Must Be Tough." I read it about 15 years ago and I thought it was brilliant. A lot about when someone is moving away from you, don't chase them. (Kind of a reverse psychology). Do your own thing, move a little away from them, give them their space. Chances are better that with this approach, you will gradually get them curious enough about what YOU'RE doing, they'll come sniffing right back!

Haha, I found this out through experience -- my years of dating before I was married (no need for a book! LOL). I always called it the Yo-Yo factor: chase a guy, he runs, pull away, he's back. Seen it time and time again. Gotta let them think they're the ones in pursuit -- but we'll be lying in wait. Meoowwrrr!
 
He has told her from the start that he is not interested in being her husband. He has told her that he wants to eventually settle down but not with her. He wants to remain a friend to us both. He "guards his heart".

I wonder if carma will be okay when he finds a girlfriend. What would happen if they fall for each other more and connect more? Are there any plans for if and when things change? Or are you just living it for now? . . . I asked about what will happen if love deepens or your new found "happiness" finds someone else Carma. . . . something was said by sundance that this was temporary and that you are not considered to be more than an in between. Or at least this was how I read it.

I didn't take it as a temporary thing when I read Sundance's post. He stated how Butch wants to always be friends with them both when he eventually finds someone to "settle down with." That to me seems to say that they have discussed things and are all as prepared as they can be for the relationship to evolve. To say she's an "in between," eek. I wouldn't have thought to put it that way - it seems a bit like it discounts their dynamic (although I know you didn't mean it that way). Even though the sexual part of their relationship may be finite with a possible end date, this seems to be a situation in which the players are rockin' what they've got, living in the moment with what is, and want to always stay connected in some way. I think that is absolutely lovely and heartwarming, to me. Makes me hopeful, anyway. Why worry about something that isn't happening yet? I love reading about what they've got.
 
To use labels (blech)... I have been reading it that currently, sundance and butch are both primary to carma, though butch has a slightly 'looser' connection...

I read that statement:
Originally Posted by sundance
Carma and Butch, her boyfriend, are respectful of each other. He has told her from the start that he is not interested in being her husband. He has told her that he wants to eventually settle down but not with her. He wants to remain a friend to us both. He "guards his heart".

to say that butch will one day wish to find a 'traditional' marriage partner and family... but not exclude carma and sundance from that... simply that he will then have someone 'more primary' than carma, and she would move to a secondary or even tertiary position for him... and that they (carma and sundance) were aware of that and supportive of it.

It's very interesting to read the different ways people are interpreting the comments :D
 
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Thank you for your kindness and wisdom

Hi everyone,

I am Freetime's wife and just wanted to thank you for your wisdom and kindness to us both. You have made a huge difference in both of our lives by being willing to share your own experiences, to ask difficult questions, and to encourage FT to speak with me about what he has been going through.

Blessings to you all.
SpiritGirl
 
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Hi everyone,

I am Freetime's wife and just wanted to thank you for your wisdom and kindness to us both. You have made a huge difference in both of our lives by being willing to share your own experiences, to ask difficult questions, and to encourage FT to speak with me about what he has been going through.

Blessings to you all.
SpiritGirl

Welcome! It's so nice to "see" you here!! :D
 
HI Spiritgirl! So nice to have you here.

Thanks to everyone who has read the posts here from Sundance and me. You are the most awesome people and I appreciate all of you so much.

It has been incredibly difficult to get where we are today, which is almost utopian in my opinion (I am just waiting for that damn snake to show up with another fucking apple).

I've written so many scripts in my head, about where this is going, and what will happen, and how much it's going to hurt. I've agonized over it and so has Sundance, to the point of sheer despair and serious talks about separation and divorce, and of ripping Butch Cassidy out of my/our life permanently.

LUCKILY -- Love writes its own story :)

Today, this is where I'm at. I accept that Butch is likely to be my lover for a finite period of time. Unless something evolves and he decides he would like to explore something more unconventional, I don't foresee him wanting to pursue anything more invested, since that would involve living openly poly. It could happen, but I don't expect it to. I think all 3 of us totter on the edge, wanting to be "hippies" and yet at the same time conforming to society's "norms"!

I'll expound more on this, but I think I should start my own blog -- am I hijacking Freetime's, I fear? :confused:
 
HI Spiritgirl! So nice to have you here.

Thanks to everyone who has read the posts here from Sundance and me. You are the most awesome people and I appreciate all of you so much.

It has been incredibly difficult to get where we are today, which is almost utopian in my opinion (I am just waiting for that damn snake to show up with another fucking apple).

I've written so many scripts in my head, about where this is going, and what will happen, and how much it's going to hurt. I've agonized over it and so has Sundance, to the point of sheer despair and serious talks about separation and divorce, and of ripping Butch Cassidy out of my/our life permanently.

LUCKILY -- Love writes its own story :)
Today, this is where I'm at. I accept that Butch is likely to be my lover for a finite period of time. Unless something evolves and he decides he would like to explore something more unconventional, I don't foresee him wanting to pursue anything more invested, since that would involve living openly poly. It could happen, but I don't expect it to. I think all 3 of us totter on the edge, wanting to be "hippies" and yet at the same time conforming to society's "norms"!

I'll expound more on this, but I think I should start my own blog -- am I hijacking Freetime's, I fear? :confused:

No worries on my side of the computer Carma. You, Sundance and the others have been and continue to be my teachers in this journey called Poly.

Hello Spiritgirl, I love you. I'm glad you're here. These are the people who have walked with me these short 20 days, and if I'm lucky will continue to do so. Have fun here baby, I am.
FT
 
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Forgotten details

The date with M... the date with M that didn't go anywhere, but set this all in motion for me.

On 03/24/11 I went and met with M. M is a massage therapist who has worked with folks with back injuries and chronic pain. T made the referral and yes he knew/knows who I am. Wow. funny how meeting with someone takes the edge right off. M was and is no threat to me, my marriage or T. He's a good man who I now see why T likes him. If something ever did happen with T and M I'd be good with it, I think.


Meeting him also showed me that I have some serious trust issues to deal with. T said he was no threat and a good guy, but it seems I either didn't believe her or wouldn't believe her.

Anyway I just wanted to keep this weird....log? accurate or as accurate as possible.

I"m off to see M again right now for another massage/treatment and I'll tell ya how it went when I get back. I actually like this guy, wouldn't it be fragging funny/weird/unusual if we became friends? could happen.

FT
 
I actually like this guy, wouldn't it be fragging funny/weird/unusual if we became friends? could happen.

Weird for you, maybe, but pretty normal around here. Figure your wife has good taste; after all, she picked you, didn't she?
 
Weird for you, maybe, but pretty normal around here. Figure your wife has good taste; after all, she picked you, didn't she?

I forget just how much poly changes things. You're absolutely right penny. M is coming over on Saturday , guy bonding stuff. let ya know how that goes.

I think it would be kinda funny if your wife got together with the guy who rubs you down. :D :rolleyes:

Yes, Yes it would. You made me smile TP thank you.
 
One thing I do know for certain is not to make this out to be more then it is. Easier said than done, but probably the most important thing I'm going to post here for me to see. (To late really, but hey it's the thought that counts.)

I've gone through more shit, experienced more pain and caused more uproar in our relationship in the last 22 days than in I don't know how long and so far nothing has happened. How freaking awesomely painful is that? T still doesn't have a B.F. We have no idea how or where to find her one and I can tell we're both tired of the discussion.

I think I should go away for a month and let everything happen as it may without me stirring shit up. Anyone want a house guest?
 
Head West my friend... head west... :) poly camp this summer, that'll fix ya. heh. :D

Really? Poly camp? Really? really? I think my brain just melted.

Yep, there are lots of us out here...it's a nice place to visit. You'll get a warm welcome.

You folks humble me with your kindness. Thanks Derby. I truly do wish we were out there right now as we go through this.

Poly camp......really? :cool:
 
I'm confused.

I'm seriously considering going away for a month. Maybe more. let T do her thing without my baggage/issues/feelings or whatever get in the way.

I love T, we've connected at a deeper, truer emotional and spiritual level since this journey into to poly started. Amazing really. But somethings not right here. maybe it's me, maybe not.

I've said this before but it's true, my marriage as I knew it/know it? is over. The relationship I currently have with T isn't what it was one short month ago. The shift/difference is subtle but no less powerful because of it.

It's weird, it's like I woke up one day in an alternate reality, everything looks the same but you know deep inside it is isn't. The way T looks and acts at times when we're together startles me, it's nothing big or shocking that would cause others to notice, it's small things like the way she carries herself when we're out together, or how she talks, laughs ....fuck! I'm not making any sense here. It's just fucking different. I've taken off my wedding ring because l don't feel the same about this relationship. I love T. I know she loves me. I just have no idea where I am with this right now.
 
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Poly is a journey that needs to be taken together. She can't make progress without you also making progress. And vice versa.

So, if the idea behind you going away for a month is to let her date/fuck/what have you without you having to witness it, you'll only be in a worse position when you come back. You'll be putting off dealing with whatever happens during that time.

If your motivation behind going away is to give you both space, and she won't be pursuing any relationships with others, then that is different.

Ask yourself, (and maybe tell us), what do you hope to accomplish by leaving?
 
I get it .... I really get it....if I didn't have kids I may have done the same thing.

do what you got to do.....it could give everyone time to reflect and plan a future.

Good luck D
 
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