It's been a Closet for me all my life.

Jesse

New member
Maybe I shouldn't use the term Closet. The LGBTs use it, and for good reason. Hundreds of millions of dollars are spent trying to change natural LGBT predisposition, to "fix" them, to suppress them, to keep them out of view. Polyamory hasn't been the target of grassroots political movements, or Judeo-Christian church sermons denouncing my nature in such absolute terms as "an abomination in the eyes of the Lord." Maybe I'm just a whiner for speaking of closets. Maybe I need to "check my privilege" again, particularly since I am a straight white male. But I do feel persecuted, I really do, and I'm mad as hell. I've looked at a handful of these other posts, and they're so positive, so upbeat. Am I the only one who feels cursed?

Before I figured out that the infantile interpersonal dramas we see in movies and on TV are quite representative of all levels of our culture, before I realized that jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness over people are not seen by society as quirks or foibles, but as virtues, you bet your ass there have been people who have stepped up to me with violent intentions due to my socially aberrant nature, before I got good at hiding and blending. I have sat through church sermons denouncing my nature, though not with all the fire and brimstone the LGBT community endures. I have been blasted with hate, accusations of betrayal, with fundamental, apocalyptic condemnations of my character, from people I trusted, people I loved, people I thought wanted to understand me. Out of purest paranoia they dismiss my deepest and most enduring love as shallow fancy, ex-lovers burn me from their hearts and from their memory, somehow counting as a blessing and a strength their reptilian ability to do so. And I've dealt with this in secrecy and in silence, because I have met, in person, not a single soul who is truly polyamorous. I have only heard of them, on the internet. And so here I am. Am I the only one who's angry?

Am I the only one who didn't consider coming out, going public as poly, until half his hair turned gray? Or even come fully to terms with it himself? They called me a horndog, they called me a flirt, they've even called me a "player." Compared with my friends, I suppose I was, by their definition. Naturally monogamous women have found my honesty charming, at least at first, and buddies were mystified that a woman would even temporarily entertain a romance with me while knowing full well she was not the only one. But in the end, everybody was rolling their eyes. Everyone but me. They said I was immature, but I'm far too old to listen to that now. They said I’d be gripped with the need for monogamy one day, that it would just happen, but it never did. They said I’d stop "playing" after somebody played me, they said I just needed to know heartache, and I’d change, but I have been dumped more than any of them. Women I still love today, who once told me they loved me, now say they do not. I know far, far more of heartache and loneliness than any of them, I’ve spent far more time alone, and celibate, than any of them, and frankly, I passed them all up in this department at least a decade ago. I’m done shrugging shyly and chuckling gamely at the comments. I’m done with the back slapping and the winking and the nudging and the what’s-your-secret. There is no secret. There are no secrets. That’s the secret. It was never a game for me. Never. Not ever.

Not Ever. Not ever did I ever play a “game” with a human being.

I've always given the truth to lovers, even though it’s always thrown back in my face before long. I've committed to monogamy on several occasions, sometimes for years at a time. I've never, ever broken such a covenant. Nevertheless, my freely admitted indifference toward monogamy has been a constant source of suspicion, accusation, resentment, and fighting. Each lover eventually begins demanding that I forsake every alliance I've ever forged with members of the opposite sex, hating me bitterly for my refusal to do so.

But eventually, each successive partner's insistence on equating jealousy with love has driven them, one after the other, to break contact with me, so as to avoid detonating the mutually assured death-grip of fear and insecurity they share with their current partners. There really is room in most people’s hearts for only one person at a time. Because my love is not so limited, they cursed my love as something less than theirs, and now, as the ashes of their love cool into dust, I continue to bear love eternal. My eyes would surely light if I happened upon one of them by chance, but upon seeing that light, these exes would likely experience only awkward discomfort and pity, as if I harbored some delusion, as if I were less than fully aware of what I can expect from them. After all, they seem to wonder, why would I still love them after the romance has run its course? Why would I still love them it were not reciprocated?

Why indeed?

A practical question. But there is no practical answer. I simply can't help it. When I come to love a person, it would seem to be a permanent phenomenon, so far as I can tell from the evidence thus far. There are five of them now, and I will always think of them "that way." Most folks seem to operate their relationships with a series of ropes and pulleys; pull one closer, and some unlucky other drifts away, with a repetitious squeaking of gears. What the hell is the deal with all this machinery? How the hell do these people look at me and see complication? What planet am I even from?

I'm pretty sure I'm polyamorous, though I've never met a self-proclaimed poly, and I've never been in a standing, indefinite poly relationship, or even used the word until this last year. All I've ever known are ticking clocks and ultimatums. I feel like I've been stigmatized and ostracized on account of my polyamorous nature. I feel like I've accepted this quietly, knowing that most people don't understand it and aren't okay with it. I feel like it's been a closet. Is this common?

Comments welcome.
 
Last edited:
You swim in deep waters, brother.

Your post resonates with me in many ways, even though my experiences have been very different from yours. Starting with my gender. I am female, and I think it is easier for women to be poly and not judged as harshly. As well as it definitely is easier to find poly-friendly men as partners than poly-friendly women. I feel for your pain!

And I've dealt with this in secrecy and in silence, because I have met, in person, not a single soul who is truly polyamorous.

I have been luckier than you in that case. I have met a handful of truly poly folks in person, and been able to discuss and build my poly identity. But, it is not that I’d know a lot of poly people and those I know are not “partner material” to me. So, I have had to look for partners among the mono majority. Here on these boards several people declare that they will only ever date poly folks. This amazes me: how on earth do they find the poly people to date and have relationships with?? Apparently it is possible for them, but I don’t get it.

You are not alone with your problem, I know that for sure. Poly males can end up with very bad reputation.

Am I the only one who's angry?

You have had more than your fair share of the shit, sounds like. And no real support and true love, as well. You have all the right to be angry. That anger is healthy for you, it is there to protect you from getting hit by more of that shit.

My thought is that you’d really need some true friends who would understand and support you as your polyamorous self. I can see your dilemma - where to find them?? Maybe this forum could be a useful tool. Probably other members can help you to find links to poly gatherings in your area etc. Maybe you could do some more reading over on this forum and start (private) conversations with people whose thoughts resonate with you. Maybe even post on the “Dating and Friendships” -subforum?

Feel free to PM me if you like.

And - welcome to the forum!!
 
thank you

I think it is easier for women to be poly and not judged as harshly.
By lovers, you mean. Yes, a poly woman has options. When it comes to the judgment of society, though, I wouldn't trade places with you. Possessiveness can be found in both genders. It cannot be reasoned with.

I should have come here long ago. I'm seeing content in these forums that I suspect will have a strong and lasting impact on me. I may become very involved.

Thank you, Nadya, for your thoughts.
 
I can sympathize. I don't fear for my life, as the gay community has in the past, but truthfully? It's one thing to be gay in the South; it's another to be a gay fashion designer in LA or NYC. My gay friends in San Fran aren't worried about being electrocuted or stoned. In fact, it's practically an asset in those parts. Who wants a STRAIGHT hair dresser?

But, yes, there are reasons to stay in the closet. I'd risk my career, if I did so, particularly because of who I chose. I've been called much worse than a "flirt." Been called a whore, a slut (and not in the positive way), been told that the man I love is just using me for sex. Been told I don't know what love "really" is. Lost friends who didn't understand.

I don't want to tell people, for fear girls won't want to talk to me because they're worried I'll steal their boyfriend or husband. Or will treat me like a pariah. Or won't work with me.

There are communities and bubbles. SF, Portland are the two biggest that I know of.

But it's okay to want to hide.
 
Welcome! I, too, am a poly girl, so I can't speak to your experiences as a male. I've met several people who claim to be poly, but when I started examining their practices, they were very different than mine. Some could be better described as swingers, or poly themselves, but not accepting of it in their partners. Some just flitted from one night to the next with many, many partners. It wasn't a game to them, but I couldn't see how they could claim to be poly when they didn't have any lasting relationships, and just casual encounters.

I myself am with two monogamous men, and sometimes I question how truly poly I can claim to be, because I am comfortable with our vee, and would be unhappy if either suddenly decided to start dating. Yet, I would like to think I would be able to handle that. Both say they are content, as I treat them both as primaries, and I try and balance that pulley mechanism as best as possible. So who knows.

Definitions are not what I care to argue. People can call themselves whatever they want. Just keep the labels off of me.

I've been called slutty, and a whore. Player is more of a guy term, but I've had that applied to me as well. Whatever. Labels only stick if you let them. I reject the negativity. I am happy. Let those haters be nasty someplace else.
 
By lovers, you mean. Yes, a poly woman has options. When it comes to the judgment of society, though, I wouldn't trade places with you..

Society judges the different, and usually harshly. Doesn't much matter where on the different scale you fall, whether it is a minor superficial thing or a major part of you. I learned this early.

Yet, I've also seen society change to accept what was once unacceptable. The older conservative factions, if nothing else, die off and even the new conservatives are more liberal than their predecessors. (There are always a few extreme diehards.) There's more information available, more exposure to "new" concepts.

Part of why I'm reasonably content now to at times "pass" as an apparently WASPy SAHM is that I can, from time to time, cause people to trip over their own assumptions. "I don't know any gay/bisexual people." "You know me." "I'm uncomfortable around the mentally ill." "Really? I thought we got along fine." Etc. It does cause people to drop out of my life, at times, but those are usually not people I need to have around. Mostly, it makes them rethink things.

Getting over the poly/mono divide is a bit harder, and different, though, I'll admit. Being legally married, in a society that defines marriage as monogamous (though less often as heterosexual, now)... the topic mostly doesn't come up. I will try to question the automatic condemnation of extra-marital relationships, however, because in general, the simple fact is we don't know the state of anyone's marriage from the outside, nor the agreements they've reached. People often experience that, in their own marriages... but when making judgements on others (usually figures in the public eye), they forget. Never hurts to bring it up.

Possessiveness can be found in both genders. It cannot be reasoned with.

It can, but it helps if the other person has a willingness to be reasoned with.
 
Thank you all!

Been told I don't know what love "really" is.
That's what drives me nuts. I put up with it from married parents when I was a young bachelor, because of course they all feel like they've had a crash course and are now certified experts on relationships; I didn't argue because I have been alone as often as I've been together with anyone. As time goes on, though, I become less and less patient with the judgments and advice of people who are romantically untraveled.


Some could be better described as swingers, or poly themselves, but not accepting of it in their partners.
Not accepting of it in their partners? I hate to get hung up on definitions, but my desire to see these things properly distinguished from each other is part of what brought me to this forum. We are all tempted to exempt ourselves from the restrictions we impose upon others, but that's not what poly is about, right? :cool:


I am comfortable with our vee, and would be unhappy if either suddenly decided to start dating. Yet, I would like to think I would be able to handle that.
That's the refreshingly thoughtful and self-aware sort of sentiment that brought me to register here. We're never going to be pleased when the person we want to see is hanging out with somebody else instead. That's lonely, and boring! But people in our society find it more than boring. They collapse to the ground when this happens, like they've been shot. People keep telling me it will happen to me, but it never does, because I can wait a day, or a few days. Then one day a lover calls me and tells me that another person has commanded her to never see or speak to me again. And she's going to obey that command. That's when I feel like I've been shot-- and yet that's when society tells you're supposed to stand tall, move on, forget. How the hell is this extreme, chaotic behavior considered normal? People are so strange.


we don't know the state of anyone's marriage from the outside, nor the agreements they've reached.
Yes.. my frustration comes from the fact that I'm almost forty and still haven't found anyone who can understand me without resenting me. I wouldn't be ranting for ten paragraphs at a time about being trapped in a closet if I were in love with a like minded person(s). Because really, who else needs to know?
 
Then one day a lover calls me and tells me that another person has commanded her to never see or speak to me again. And she's going to obey that command. That's when I feel like I've been shot-- and yet that's when society tells you're supposed to stand tall, move on, forget. How the hell is this extreme, chaotic behavior considered normal? People are so strange.

It's "normal" because it is what everyone does. Or convinces themselves of that, and subsequently force themselves to conform. People are strange; getting to them to see it, though, that's hard.

Only twice in my marriage -- heck, in my life -- have had I to deal with the "command not to see someone". And I think, given the rebellious and independent nature of myself and Liam, had we actually made them "commands" they would not have happened. The others involved were friends, not lovers. They were, however, highly destructive people, to themselves and others, and particularly to our relationship, draining away time, money, and emotional resources without doing anything to reciprocate.

To keep them in our lives would eventually destroy us as a family. Each of us eventually came to realize that and we've cut those individuals off, more or less.

It's a matter of priorities. I think, if a lover cut you off because someone else told her to, then they must count you lower on the priority list than the other person.

Yes.. my frustration comes from the fact that I'm almost forty and still haven't found anyone who can understand me without resenting me. I wouldn't be ranting for ten paragraphs at a time about being trapped in a closet if I were in love with a like minded person(s). Because really, who else needs to know?

Sure, you might. Because it needs to be said.
 
@bluebird

Welcome! I, too, am a poly girl,

So you adopt the poly label? Later on, you say otherwise.

I've met several people who claim to be poly, but when I started examining their practices, they were very different than mine.

And yours, as you go onto say, involves most likely not being able to handle/becoming very upset if your partners date other people. Do you think that is the mark of a polyamorous person? Why are your practices the pinnacle of polyamory?

Some could be better described as swingers, or poly themselves, but not accepting of it in their partners.

Sort of like you believe you wouldn't be accepting of your partner dating? You know, being unhappy about them dating sort of turns acceptance into tolerance. Tolerance means you'll put up with it but don't like it. How poly is that? You go on to ask that anyway.

Some just flitted from one night to the next with many, many partners. It wasn't a game to them, but I couldn't see how they could claim to be poly when they didn't have any lasting relationships, and just casual encounters.

Some people are bad at relationships. You wouldn't say a serial monogamist isn't monogamous because they constantly break up with people. You wouldn't say that to someone who constantly travels so tends to have short casual relationships. Yet when a poly person has anything less than successful, lifelong relationships, they can't be poly. You can even be poly and a commitment phobe.

I myself am with two monogamous men, and sometimes I question how truly poly I can claim to be, because I am comfortable with our vee, and would be unhappy if either suddenly decided to start dating.

There we go. So again, what makes you think that the fact someone else practices differently to you means they aren't poly? Maybe it means you aren't poly.

Yet, I would like to think I would be able to handle that. Both say they are content, as I treat them both as primaries, and I try and balance that pulley mechanism as best as possible. So who knows.

Indeed.

Definitions are not what I care to argue. People can call themselves whatever they want. Just keep the labels off of me.

Even the ones you apply to yourself? Like poly?
 
Last edited:
@bluebird
Why are your practices the pinnacle of polyamory?
Woah.. I would imagine the pinnacle of polyamory involves sophisticated communication, diplomacy, and conflict resolution. In reaction to Bluebird's comments, I already suggested above that analytically defining relationships is a worthwhile effort, a responsibility that we shouldn't put off. But please, let's not turn analysis into an interrogation. I don't think Bluebird was pushing a conclusion, so much as sharing with us her ongoing introspection. There's not enough of that in this world, which is why forums like this are so important. I'm grateful for everybody's comments. We should be as supportive as we can, I say, so long as progress is being made.
 
I think the quote I gave clearly showed that bluebird questioned the authenticity of someone else being poly based on their practices differing from hers.

As a poly person who probably doesn't practice the same way as her, I have every right to pick up on that, particularly as she went onto say that she doubts she could be happy about her partners dating others. Many of us believe that the crux of polyamory isn't having multiple partners, it's accepting your partner(s) having other loves.

So introspect away, but when anyone starts to question the validity of someone else's polyness, especially hypocritically so, it becomes something that I, personally, cannot let pass. Mainly because I'm one of those people who absolutely see my liking for a bit of random and spontaneous sex, casual short term relationships and not quite boyfriend's as me exercising my freedom to form multiple simultaneous loving relationships with the consent of all involved.
 
All I've ever known are ticking clocks and ultimatums. I feel like I've been stigmatized and ostracized on account of my polyamorous nature. I feel like I've accepted this quietly, knowing that most people don't understand it and aren't okay with it. I feel like it's been a closet. Is this common?

Comments welcome.

You and I are roughly the same age - I'm 41.

I have been talking to my partner about some of this stuff for the past few years. I think that people often go through quite profound changes from roughly mid 20s to start of their 40s that I think have a powerful impact on romantic relationships.

My experience with folk who are in their late teens/early 20s is that on the whole they are more open to differently shaped relationships and much more accepting of concepts like multiple loves. I remember being at a poly discussion once where a girl who was probably around 19/20 commented that when she'd told her family about her being poly, they'd all laughed at her and said that there was nothing unusual about her. They'd all done that when they were young.

Then it seems that for a lot of people a change comes. They seem to become more closed down, more worried about appearances. They often want marriage, children, they worry about their house and want a better car.

I've found myself having utterly bizarre conversations with friends who I'd always thought of as quite free spirited about how important it is to have a conservatory built or to drink the "right" wine or to buy your fish from the "right" fish monger. I have even sat at a dinner party and listened as some of the other guests debated the best cannabis to use and the best device to ingest it.

My experience is that friends going through those sorts of changes tend then to start being quite patronising toward anybody who they see as living an alternative lifestyle. I find that the friends who go through that start to ask me if I think I'll be lonely in my old age because I don't have children. Sometimes they will suggest that I'm a bit daft for being okay with my partner having female friends. I'll find myself in conversations where those friends look down on anybody who doesn't work lots, earn lots of money and spend it on better houses and cars. These are people who know that I work part time by choice, drive an old van and live in a small house in a rough area and spend my spare money on social activities and on my interests.

I haven't had the experiences you've had of being cut out of people's lives because I spent my 20s in a mono relationship with a man who I am still in loose contact with. Then most of my 30s I was single and very happy to be so. For the past few years I've been in a mono relationship with a man who identifies as poly and who thinks that everybody should have open relationships.

I haven't asked him to change his views or made attempts to control him but what I have said is that if he wishes to live that way then he and I should switch our relationship back to one of friendship. I am only willing to deal with one romantic relationship in my life. I find them a lot of work and the thought of having to juggle more than one (or accommodate my partner doing so) makes me feel trapped and tied down. Things work between us. My partner loves me utterly and tells me he's happy with the way things are. He has tons of women friends (women adore him) and several of them are friends of mine now. He has great taste in women. :D

For me the heartening thing in all of this is that not everybody goes through the sorts of changes I see so often. My life contains some shining examples of people who haven't ever changed. Who live alternative lifestyles happily and openly and who don't patronise me about my choices. Those friends almost all have different lifestyles than I do and are alternative in different ways but we are able to appreciate and accomodate each other (in the same way as my partner and I are).

I remain hopeful that maybe once I reach my 50s I'll find that romantic relationships become less work and then I might be more open to allowing more of them into my life.

You are not alone in what you're experiencing. I have noticed it going on in my life too.

I hope this forum is helpful to you. It has been for me.

IP
 
@london

Wow, your posts to me come across as super hostile. WTF?

Uh, yeah, I feel I can accept labels that I like. I just reject ones I feel are negative and not moving me forward on this journey of life, that others try to put on me. Funny. I just got the poly heart/infinity symbol tattooed on my left hand. So yeah, I consider myself poly.

I never said I practice the pinnacle of poly. That is laughable, and it is ridiculous that you suggest so. I was just saying, upon examination, their practices were different. Hell, in January, I gave swinging a try because I was questioning if it would work for me or not. It didn't. That doesn't mean it doesn't work for others. I never said that someone who doesn't have a lifelong relationship is bad at poly. That's you making something up. I have yet to have any sort of lifelong relationship, myself, mono or poly. (I am 36.)

As far as my partners dating, it isn't something that has happened, and not does it look likely to happen. I bring it up from time to time to them, because I am asked about it constantly. Has DarkKnight decided to date? Will PunkRock eventually want another girlfriend? Sometimes I feel I am a real-life daytime talk show for people. My partners always say no. *shrugs* They both say they are mono.

However, I don't feel that me being hesitant now means I would be unaccepting then. I don't know though. It's hypothetical. To answer your question, I don't feel it would be very poly of me if I were only tolerant of them dating. The way that I personally define my poly, it wouldn't be. I would want to feel compersion - the joy that my husband has when I am with my boyfriend - his happiness is very apparent, and I would want to be able to feel the same.

If I broke it down, I would actually say that I could feel that for my husband. Our foundation is secure and strong and I think I would be perfectly ok.

With my boyfriend, right now I don't feel the same. Our relationship is still young, we are still learning about each other. I do not feel as secure with him. If he suddenly wanted to date, I would have to do some work with my personal needs list and share with him what I am having to work on. But it would have a lot to do with the timing right now. - he is in the process of moving in with my husband and I. Adding someone to our vee at the present time would stress the poly math considerably. He realizes this, but it doesn't matter. He has repeatedly said he is mono. So, I will keep checking in with both my guys, and I will see if longevity in my relationships is the thing or if it is something else.

You are free to PM me if you want, but this is pulling away from the topic-starter. I am not the focus of this thread. Nor do I care to be, especially when your questions read as attacking and hostile.
 
Adding someone to our vee at the present time would stress the poly math . . .
The term "poly math" is very specific lingo written about by Serolynne and adopted by a small percentage of people, and it certainly isn't a standard term nor a given that all people engaged in multiple relationships know what you mean by this. I know I could look it up, and I have in the past but it meant nothing to me, so would you explain what it means to you?
 
Last edited:
Poly math: To me it means that every new person brought into our world also adds in issues of some sort. Not always negative, but definitely discussions are going to be had surround scheduling, sharing time, etc. I have dated other poly people - and even the most non-invasive metamours can bring stress. Right now, for us, we are dealing with two terminal illnesses in the extended family - which are in the process of coming to a quick close - the moving in/relocation of my boyfriend into our home, a sibling dealing with addiction needing cared for while he waits for rehab, as well as various other outside day-to-day stressors, like one vehicle suddenly needing both new back brakes & radiator and being undrivable while the other still needs new tires. One of my mono partners suddenly deciding that he isn't mono would be an adjustment, and given all the other stressors going on at the present time, adding that in could be rough when emotions are already high. So to me, in the context I was using the term, I was saying one more person to add to the three in our group to worry over could quickly send me over the edge. And, knowing my guys as well as I do, they would not be able to handle me introducing another partner right now either. Especially since most of those issues are in their extended families, not mine.
 
I never said I practice the pinnacle of poly. That is laughable, and it is ridiculous that you suggest so

What you said is that some people claim to be poly. If you say someone claims something, it means that although they and others may believe that thing to be true, it is debatable. So you're saying their poly identity is debatable and you go on to say that their practices differ from yours as some sort of explanation to why their identity is a claim and not a fact. This basically implies that your practices are the practices of a poly person and their different practices mean their poly identity is simply a "claim". Something that is disputable.

If you said "some poly people practice very differently to me", there wouldn't have been the same implication that your poly is The Poly and other forms are disputable.

As for the poly math stuff, I think it is useful, however, it could also be used as an ongoing excuse not to handle one's insecurities whilst simultaneously possessing and consuming copious amounts of cake.
 
If you said "some poly people practice very differently to me", there wouldn't have been the same implication that your poly is The Poly and other forms are disputable.

I have no idea why picking apart what I said is something you think I want to discuss with you. The OP found it helpful and as it was directed toward him and not you, I have no desire to have you attack me further. I've said my intention wasn't to say that my poly is the best ever and everyone else sucks, yet you seem to want to make me say that? Again, that wasn't my intention and I am done discussing it. Please don't address me any further.

As for the poly math stuff, I think it is useful, however, it could also be used as an ongoing excuse not to handle one's insecurities whilst simultaneously possessing and consuming copious amounts of cake.

Meh. Sure. But that isn't the case here. I've dated married guys, guys in LTRs, guys just casually dating...all with different flavors of poly. My insecurities weren't overwhelming. *shrugs* I'm not looking for assistance with my situation.
 
Yes!

So much truth. I sympathize with your written sentiments.

Maybe I shouldn't use the term Closet. The LGBTs use it, and for good reason. Hundreds of millions of dollars are spent trying to change natural LGBT predisposition, to "fix" them, to suppress them, to keep them out of view. Polyamory hasn't been the target of grassroots political movements, or Judeo-Christian church sermons denouncing my nature in such absolute terms as "an abomination in the eyes of the Lord." Maybe I'm just a whiner for speaking of closets. Maybe I need to "check my privilege" again, particularly since I am a straight white male. But I do feel persecuted, I really do, and I'm mad as hell. I've looked at a handful of these other posts, and they're so positive, so upbeat. Am I the only one who feels cursed?

Before I figured out that the infantile interpersonal dramas we see in movies and on TV are quite representative of all levels of our culture, before I realized that jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness over people are not seen by society as quirks or foibles, but as virtues, you bet your ass there have been people who have stepped up to me with violent intentions due to my socially aberrant nature, before I got good at hiding and blending. I have sat through church sermons denouncing my nature, though not with all the fire and brimstone the LGBT community endures. I have been blasted with hate, accusations of betrayal, with fundamental, apocalyptic condemnations of my character, from people I trusted, people I loved, people I thought wanted to understand me. Out of purest paranoia they dismiss my deepest and most enduring love as shallow fancy, ex-lovers burn me from their hearts and from their memory, somehow counting as a blessing and a strength their reptilian ability to do so. And I've dealt with this in secrecy and in silence, because I have met, in person, not a single soul who is truly polyamorous. I have only heard of them, on the internet. And so here I am. Am I the only one who's angry?

Am I the only one who didn't consider coming out, going public as poly, until half his hair turned gray? Or even come fully to terms with it himself? They called me a horndog, they called me a flirt, they've even called me a "player." Compared with my friends, I suppose I was, by their definition. Naturally monogamous women have found my honesty charming, at least at first, and buddies were mystified that a woman would even temporarily entertain a romance with me while knowing full well she was not the only one. But in the end, everybody was rolling their eyes. Everyone but me. They said I was immature, but I'm far too old to listen to that now. They said I’d be gripped with the need for monogamy one day, that it would just happen, but it never did. They said I’d stop "playing" after somebody played me, they said I just needed to know heartache, and I’d change, but I have been dumped more than any of them. Women I still love today, who once told me they loved me, now say they do not. I know far, far more of heartache and loneliness than any of them, I’ve spent far more time alone, and celibate, than any of them, and frankly, I passed them all up in this department at least a decade ago. I’m done shrugging shyly and chuckling gamely at the comments. I’m done with the back slapping and the winking and the nudging and the what’s-your-secret. There is no secret. There are no secrets. That’s the secret. It was never a game for me. Never. Not ever.

Not Ever. Not ever did I ever play a “game” with a human being.

I've always given the truth to lovers, even though it’s always thrown back in my face before long. I've committed to monogamy on several occasions, sometimes for years at a time. I've never, ever broken such a covenant. Nevertheless, my freely admitted indifference toward monogamy has been a constant source of suspicion, accusation, resentment, and fighting. Each lover eventually begins demanding that I forsake every alliance I've ever forged with members of the opposite sex, hating me bitterly for my refusal to do so.

But eventually, each successive partner's insistence on equating jealousy with love has driven them, one after the other, to break contact with me, so as to avoid detonating the mutually assured death-grip of fear and insecurity they share with their current partners. There really is room in most people’s hearts for only one person at a time. Because my love is not so limited, they cursed my love as something less than theirs, and now, as the ashes of their love cool into dust, I continue to bear love eternal. My eyes would surely light if I happened upon one of them by chance, but upon seeing that light, these exes would likely experience only awkward discomfort and pity, as if I harbored some delusion, as if I were less than fully aware of what I can expect from them. After all, they seem to wonder, why would I still love them after the romance has run its course? Why would I still love them it were not reciprocated?

Why indeed?

A practical question. But there is no practical answer. I simply can't help it. When I come to love a person, it would seem to be a permanent phenomenon, so far as I can tell from the evidence thus far. There are five of them now, and I will always think of them "that way." Most folks seem to operate their relationships with a series of ropes and pulleys; pull one closer, and some unlucky other drifts away, with a repetitious squeaking of gears. What the hell is the deal with all this machinery? How the hell do these people look at me and see complication? What planet am I even from?

I'm pretty sure I'm polyamorous, though I've never met a self-proclaimed poly, and I've never been in a standing, indefinite poly relationship, or even used the word until this last year. All I've ever known are ticking clocks and ultimatums. I feel like I've been stigmatized and ostracized on account of my polyamorous nature. I feel like I've accepted this quietly, knowing that most people don't understand it and aren't okay with it. I feel like it's been a closet. Is this common?

Comments welcome.
 
Back
Top