Help Needed - Double Breakup

noheart

New member
Hi,

I think I need help. Two (of my three) partners just broke up with me.

I'm a little concerned about my emotional and psychological well-being. The weight of this situation hasn't hit me yet, but I need to talk to someone.

One partner (of 6-7 months) broke things off on Friday. Another partner (of 1 1/2 years) said yesterday that she wanted a break.

Both partners have also developed a friendship since I've been seeing them. The first I've been seeing for only 6-7 months actually has been spending more time with my other partner than I have lately.

This is further complicated because they both go behind each other and say little things to me about each other, and I recently found them both giving me conflicting information about something. It was in relation to events that involved the partner I've been seeing longer of the two.

I've been strained lately because I've determined that one of them is lying to me, but I have no way of knowing who is telling the truth.

I was also coming to a conclusion that I should probably break things off with the girl I've only been seeing for 6-7 months as something has never felt quite right with our relationship, and I don't feel our connection is as strong. And so it was a shocking yet somewhat relieving turn of events that she broke up with me first on Friday.

For my other partner (of 1 1/2 years) to want to cease being romantically involved isn't entirely surprising considering that when the girl (of 6-7 months) said something recently that triggered me being upset with my other partner, I was so upset that I couldn't speak to her. Communication is very important to me, and I do feel that silent treatment is unacceptable, but I was unable to speak to my partner (of 1 1/2 years) and kind of shut her out for like a week. When I get mad I seem to react by compartmentalizing my feelings and contemplating my emotions in isolation.

But after a week I finally confronted her about the thing that my other partner said. She denied it was true. Then on Friday I asked my other partner to verify what she said previously, but she claims to not remember what was said. I can only either trust my memory or assume that I maybe misheard something. But assuming the initial event was as I remember it, then one of them is lying to me, and I'm still bothered by that.

But the way events have unfolded have made things more troubling and confusing.

Anyway, I don't usually do the forum thing, and I'm not sure what I expect, especially since I don't want to divulge more details.

My imminent concern is that I know I've cared for these two people immensely, and the magnitude of my feelings hasn't hit me yet since I seem to be blocking things out as a kind of defense mechanism.

Still, some words and/or advice may be appreciated.

Thank you
 
It sounds like one hell of a rough ride at the moment. I'm sorry you're hurting and struggling, both with the break ups and the sense of not knowing what is truth and what isn't.

Emotionally and psychologically, maybe look up the number for a helpline and have it stuck to the fridge, just so you know what number to call if you need to have an immediate and trained contact. One of the things with forums is the delay is responses. A phone/text line is at least an immediate response.

As for your now former partners, it actually reads as if there needs to be some time to regroup all around. As you said, probably good 6-7 months is gone. Now there's some work to do with 18 months to see if you can find a relationship that works for you going forward, even if it is not a romantic one.

I hope your remaining partner is being supportive.
 
I'm sorry to hear that. :(

I do not read things well with no names. I will take the liberty of making up generic ones based on colors.

  • Navy Blue the new parter.
  • Olive Green the older partner.

If you like other names better I am happy to go with what you pick, ok?

PROBLEM 1

Overall? You sound relieved on this one. You were thinking about ending it with Navy. She just did it first. So maybe that load? You can view it a bit more easily like "Well, gave it a try, it didn't pan out long term." No break up is FUN, but neither do you have to be super heartbroken over it.

PROBLEM 2

I could be wrong. But it sounds like Navy told you something about Olive.

Which upset you so much you could not speak to Olive. Did not talk to Olive for a week. You calmed down some and then asked Olive if what Navy said was true. Olive said it was not true.

You asked Navy to verify what she said a few weeks ago. She says she cannot remember saying that.

Assuming the initial event was as you remember it, then maybe you misheard something or one of them is lying right now and it bugs you.

You know what? You have a choice here. You can let it keep ON bugging you or you can view it like...

  • Navy? She's out of here. If she was the lying one or pot stirring one, things may calm down now that she is gone. Olive and I can start fresh. If she's not the source of trouble? She wanted to leave/end it. So that one is "solved" either way.

  • While on a break with Olive? I can see if more info comes to light to show that Olive was being honest or not. Then I can decide later down if this break is permanent or just a time out to let the Navy dust settle so new things can come to light. This is not "solved" but "ok enough for now."

It's ok to feel whatever you feel. Just try to weather it out without compounding it or exacerbating it is my suggestion. Single load UGH is bad enough without turning it into double or triple load UGH from overthinking things.

I know I've cared for these two people immensely, and the magnitude of my feelings hasn't hit me yet since I seem to be blocking things out as a kind of defense mechanism.

It's ok to have cared about them. It's ok to be worried about grieving a break up and how to process that.

If what you like for self care is to hunker down to weather out the storm? Do your hunkering down things. Bow out from too much socializing in groups, watch TV, read a book instead. More low key stuff.

If what you like is nature -- spend some time talking walks.

If what you like is pampering - get a maid to tidy the home so you can enjoy that freshening of the space.

Don't gunnysack or block things out too much. When one feels things, it needs to be EXPRESSED to be released and dissipate. So... draw, paint, sing, dance it out. Maybe journal or talk to a trusted friend or start a blog thread here.

And if you need to fall apart? If you can schedule it, do. Like you have to hold it together at work, but give yourself permission in the evenings/weekends to fall apart. Don't fight it. Cry, shout, whatever it is.

Find ways to express what you feel appropriately and let it out so it can dissipate.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Hello noheart,

It sounds like you have a confusing dilemma on your hands. What are your avenues for finding out which of your ex-partners is telling the truth? Also, what about the possibility that they're both lying?

As for what to do, I think I would try to save the relationship that can be saved. The 6-7 month girl (Navy Blue) broke things off entirely, so that relationship can't be saved. The 1.5 year partner (Olive Green) is "taking a break" but not breaking things off entirely, so there may be a way to save that relationship. Also, "6-7" is being a little vague about what she said, like she does not remember what she said, but I also notice she is not saying whether what she may have said was true. Whereas "1.5" is denying it categorically, so while you can't prove which one is telling the truth, you can lean toward the one that is being more definite about it. So, save the relationship with 1.5 if you can. While perhaps being somewhat wary going forward about whether you can trust 1.5 to (continue to?) be truthful in the future.

If I were you, I would also consider arranging for some sessions with a therapist, to help you process what you are going through emotionally (and not just bury it). You can also keep us updated here on where you are at emotionally, so that we can continue to help. You say you are blocking things out right now. Can you describe what that feels like? Where do you feel it in your body (the numbness)?

Find out how long of a break 1.5 needs. Then, at the end of that break, get back in touch with her, and find out whether she would be willing to restart the relationship. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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