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CattivaGattina

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I love keeping journals/blogs. I have a problem at holding myself accountable on continuing them however (I have three or four different journals that I've started, stopped, and just haven't picked up again). Hoping having this online one will help keep me accountable to re-journalling in my others and that people may yell at me when I kinda disappear.

So my current biggest worry. Lamian lost her job in June due to being ill. She's got doctor's clearance a few weeks ago and have started looking for work again. Woodsmith quit his job because he was going back to school to finishs his Bachelor's degree. Darkeyes just lost his job yesterday due to attendance problems. I'm going to be without a job in a month or two (I've been looking since July when I found out I was losing my job). That means between 6 people in 2 homes only 2 people have actual work income coming in (Lamian just got approved for unemployment and Woodsmith's father is helping him with living expenses).

For myself I'm planning not only to file for unemployment but also try to really get a few more modeling/burleseque gigs to help out with my expenses as well as doing some spas for BeautiControl. But I'm just worried on how everything is going to work itself out right now.
 
Last night was hard. Had a therapy session that broke me because of this work thing and then broke down at home with Woodsmith, Primal, Lamian, and Darkeyes.

Lamian, Darkeyes, Woodsmith and I also had an eye roll moment. Peaseblossum called to talk to Primal (something she does every night) and talked to him for over an hour. The eye roll part comes from the fact she'll have a temper tantrum if either of us call him to talk to him while he's with her (he will however turn off his phone if he's taking either of us on a date or has set time aside for just for a dyad combination which pisses Peaseblossum off).

Sometimes I wonder if the four of us (L,D,W, and I) only put up with Peaseblossum for Primal's sake.
 
Last night was my night with Primal after our weekly D&D game. Also got to talk to a friend who is only passing the BAR away from being lawyer about my work situation. He gave me some advice that I'm going to use today.

Primal has a working phone again too. That's a good thing for me because I really enjoy sending little messages to all of my family throughout the day (to the point that I missed sending them to him that I sent a few even though his phone was dead).

Tonight Lamian and I are going to a Whine and Wine night at a friend's house (pretty much a stitch and bitch craft night with wine) and then meeting up with the boys at a bar for some house music.

Darkeye's has a job interview today also which is really good to hear.
 
Can I just cry? I can't deal with this work stress any more. I can't handle this back and forth bullying retaliation for takng FMLA time. I can't stand not having any work to do and being chastied for not doing any work.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be curled up with my family and just cry out this stress. I don't know why this hurts so much trying to get everything taken care of work wise.

At least my family is doing well. I don't know how I'd cope right now if there was any drama there.
 
Stress level decreased. I got to talk to HR and have gotten my position re-instated. Primal got a raise and is getting a promotion this month. Darkeyes got a job. All really good things. Now Lamian and I have to convince Peaseblossum having a kitten wouldn't be a bad thing so we can take the cute black kitten home. Everyone but Peaseblossum have said yes to it (despite Darkeyes and I being the only ones not allergic to cats).
 
Yay! :)
 
*eye roll* Job does what it says and then I get offered an interview. They are willing to work around work so totally taking it (it's actually something I really enjoy doing).

How do you help out with a meta/paramour (I don't know what to call Peaseblossum, we were heading to more of a paramour level until we each hurt each other and are currently repairing all of that) when she lives a bit away from most of the people, currently doesn't have a phone/internet, and time doesn't always work out for her to either come down to us or us up to her? She's worried about feeling isolated and her not being around hurting her relationship with Primal and her friendships with everyone else. It's really hard right now because her grandmother was just diagnosed with breast cancer and the only place she has phone/internet is when she's at her mom's but she won't really be able to talk to us (espeically Primal) much because her mom thinks her being in a relationship with someone who isn't only with her (especially since he's married) is just her being used as a play toy to cheat on people with so she's very against them being together.

I wish I knew how to help her.
 
Scared and Hurt

I know I shouldn't be either but I can't help it (or figure out how to stop it).

Sunday night while I was drifting to sleep I overheard Lamian and Primal talking. Mostly about sex and everything to make sure that we don't end up getting any cooties spreading around (a good bulk of it was about if Peaseblossum is having sex with other women that we don't really know about).

So the scared part. Primal told Lamian that while he doesn't want any other relationships because he's spread thin enough with just us three he may have a fling now or then. Why that got me scared. I'm fine with the fling part, but I just remember that our relationship (and his and Peaseblossum for that matter) started out as flings that just kinda grew into more. I'm third in his life and if that was to happen with another I'm scared of our relationship dying because of it. I know I need to talk to him about it but I have zero idea how to broach the topic. Or when. Cause I don't want to put this on him right now because his and Peaseblossum's aniversary is this weekend and I don't want my mental stuff even possibly clouding their time together.

The hurt part. I love Lamian. Quite a bit. But I've been slowly coming to the realization that she doesn't see us as more than play friends and metamours (which I guess would put us kinda in between paramours and metamours because we do have a BDSM relationship). The hurt part was just hearing her talk about the fact that she wants a relationship with a female because having two relationships with guys don't give her what she needs/wants from a relationship from a female. I know that just hearing that at the moment hurts because I'm still having myself come to terms with the fact she doesn't see me as relationship (outside of BDSM) material for her.

So now I'm just sitting here trying to figure out where to go with both of these things to hlep foster my own self-care.
 
Awkward moment. Primal and I were alone in the house after Lamian and Darkeyes went to his place. So we eventually end up having sex when Woodsmith comes home. The dog (Taboo) normally makes happy noises when family is home but didn't. We did realize but not until he walked into the bathroom.

Apologized, he even stated he wasn't upset just thought it was awkward to walk in on us. And now we're all sitting together watching Gorillaz music videos.
 
Day two, scene two

Now that the embarrassed part has gone I can laugh about this.

Today Primal comes home (he apparently took a sick day) to Woodsmith and I having sex.

Really, two days in a row?
 
My head is spinning and I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I know I'm not important which makes me replaceable, I hate how the world (everyone else, responsibilities, promises) disappear just because she calls and wants to talks.

I can't handle these pains but the though of leaving him kills me inside.
 
So I forgot over the weekend my mother enjoys to eavesdrop on things that don't concern her. I was discussing with Woodsmith what my fears have been since Sunday about my relationship with Primal and she figured out that I'm in multiple relationships.

Didn't take it as bad as I feared... but she keeps going in a circle that I don't know how to break her out of and explain things are okay to her. It's the whole but you're committed to Woodsmith right? Then you can't be committed to these other people. And when I say I am, that means I'm not committed to Woodsmith.

*facepalm*
 
Falling

If this post makes no sense I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this any more. It kills me how much I hurt when I acknowledge that I'm no where near the level of importance to any of them as they are to me. But the thought of removing them from my life, not sharing my life and theirs devastates me. I've even done that whole flip a coin to make a decision not because you do what the coin says but because as it's in the air you know what to do and I don't.

I almost took more of Lamian's kolonopin this morning, that would have been the second time in a week. But somehow I managed to push through without doing that or grabbing a knife to decorate my skin.

Woodsmith wants us to all have a family talk. He said it's not right that I'm getting this hurt because I'm the only one of the group who isn't selfish and thinks more and first about what is best for them than for me. I don't even see the point of that anymore. There's been times in which someone in the group has stated either "x,y, and z hurts me" or "I need a,b, and c" and while those might be followed for a little bit eventually the same patterns start up again.

I've started writing letters to all of them. Haven't yet to my parents and don't know if I will. If I get them finished tonight maybe I'll either have gotten all the pain out that I'm okay or they'll be delivered as my goodbye.

I wish I knew what do and how to get through this.
 
If this post makes no sense I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this any more...

I almost took more of Lamian's kolonopin this morning, that would have been the second time in a week. But somehow I managed to push through without doing that or grabbing a knife to decorate my skin...

I've started writing letters to all of them. Haven't yet to my parents and don't know if I will. If I get them finished tonight maybe I'll either have gotten all the pain out that I'm okay or they'll be delivered as my goodbye.

I wish I knew what do and how to get through this.

:(It sounds like you are in a scary, scary place. PLEASE do not do anything rash or make drastic decisions while you are in this state.

Call someone, anyone, to come and be with you - your present state of mind does not sound safe, you need to share these feelings with a real live person, not just some anonymous strangers on the internet - we care (yes, we DO), but we can't hold you....

You have people that care about you. Yes, you are having problems but, even if your brain in its current state doesn't admit it, problems have solutions. But you won't be able to find them if you don't take care of yourself - your safety and mental health - FIRST.

Jane("Anonymous-But-Caring-Internet-Stranger")Q
 
I've been talking with them a little bit. It's sometimes hard to phrase things in spoken word as well as I can in written.

I stopped working on the letters that I had going and am starting to pull back together. Thankfully I see my therapist tomorrow and my psychiatrist on the 1st.

I also saw a meme on FB that I liked about sometimes you need to fall apart to have things fall together.
 
Feel the darkness coming back. I need cuddles. Realized it's been nearly a week since I've felt like I've been meaningfully touched with love. Is it so much to ask that I get at least a few moments of just curled up in my loves arms a day just to help me stay connected?
 
I am my own primary. Why is believing and living those 5 words so hard? Why can't I express what I need or want out of someone? Why do I let any changes that have me losing something happen without a fight? I'm done. I don't know yet with what but somehow I need to be done.
 
Apparently the letter writing is continuing. And I wish I had someone that I could have hold me. I hide this from my friends and parents as much as I can. And none of my pod really cares.

They don't want to touch me, they push me aside for anything and everything else.

I just hope if I get all my hurt onto paper that somehow it stops. If it doesn't then I honestly don't know what my next step is. I made a contract with my therapist not to do anything, so I guess all I'd do is fester.
 
I've realized I don't feel safe asking for what I need much less want. I feel that even if I was to say either of those no one would care to try and provide me with things.

Because of that I don't even know anymore what I want or need.
 
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