Dreams are just dreams, right?

californiaa

New member
I'm a poly(?) late 20s cis female. In a relationship with a mono late 20s cis female. Before I was in my mid 20s I was only ever with guys. I came out as a lesbian and have solely been with women since. Well besides that one night in university when I got walked home by a darling bi guy and I nearly slept with him.

Lately I have been missing men. I've been dreaming a lot about guys and in these dreams, getting involved in these "taboo" relationships with guys (lol). There are aspects of relationships with men that I miss. Safety, comfort, security etc that I don't get in this current relationship. I'm the safety, comfort and security for her and it's exhausting. It's not the role that I have ever wanted.

I don't want to end this relationship but I've brought up polyamory before and she's one thousand percent against it. I think I'd like to start dating men again. How do you tell your lesbian girlfriend this? Are dreams just dreams? Or is someone trying to tell me something?
 
I'm a poly(?) late 20s cis female. In a relationship with a mono late 20s cis female. Before I was in my mid 20s I was only ever with guys. I came out as a lesbian and have solely been with women since. Well besides that one night in university when I got walked home by a darling bi guy and I nearly slept with him.

Lately I have been missing men. I've been dreaming a lot about guys and in these dreams, getting involved in these "taboo" relationships with guys (lol). There are aspects of relationships with men that I miss. Safety, comfort, security etc that I don't get in this current relationship. I'm the safety, comfort and security for her and it's exhausting. It's not the role that I have ever wanted.

I don't want to end this relationship but I've brought up polyamory before and she's one thousand percent against it. I think I'd like to start dating men again. How do you tell your lesbian girlfriend this? Are dreams just dreams? Or is someone trying to tell me something?

Hmm. Do you suspect you're about equally interested in men and women -- sexually and 'romantically'? Or do you think you may have a preference for one or the other?

It sounds like your girlfriend totally opposes non-monogamy / polyamory. So maybe you're not compatible with her for the long haul? Maybe you'd like to have both a woman and a man in your life, and that would not be possible with her?
 
Tough decision time I'm afraid. She's 1000% against poly, so unless you break up, no other partners for you, regardless of gender.

You want to have a source of security rather than be a source of security. That's very understandable, but also highly unlikely to be achievable given your current circumstances.

I suspect you're already leaning in a particular direction, and it's away from your current trajectory. My advice, it might not feel good to break up now, but it's not going to get any better in the long run. Go in the direction of what you want.
 
I gently suggest separating out the discomfort and exhaustion you are experiencing with your partner from your desire to see men.

Have you talked with your partner about your exhaustion? It sounds like you are offering emotional and maybe other kinds of support but not getting a lot back. Does that seem accurate? Are there reasons why she can't offer you a more balanced relationship, where you both give and take security and comfort as well as sexy times? Does she know how worn out and unhappy you are? If she doesn't, please tell her. Tell her what you need from the relationship. Start working with her to get to a more balanced relationship.

Do this before bringing up dating men. That's actually a distinct issue. I urge you to see if you can sort out what is lacking in your current relationship before seeking it elsewhere.

The reason I suggest that going this route, instead of just breaking up with her or starting seeing men while still with her, is that poly doesn't always work well in slotting in Partner B to provide what Partner A can't or won't. Let's assume your partner grudgingly agrees that you can date men as well as her but you can't fall in love with the men. You start seeing Bob. Bob is hot and the sex is hot. But Bob is really just wanting to fuck the hot bisexual chick (and maybe bag the bisexual chick's lesbian girlfriend too!). Bob is uninterested in providing any attention beyond sex and keeps pressuring you for a threesome so you still miss out on getting comfort and security coming your way.

You cut Bob loose and Steve comes along. Steve is happy to offer emotional support and care, and the sex is good. You fall in love with Steve. Your partner is upset because you broke the rules (it's a stupid rule but that's a discussion for another thread). Steve loves you but can't wrap his head around the importance of your partner in your life. It's a mess.

Or you fall in love with Steve, your partner is not happy but copes. But now you are juggling two people who have understandable demands on your time and emotions. And it's a lot to deal with!

So long story short, don't try an open or poly relationship to try and fix or cope with an existing relationship. Sometimes, yes it works, like if someone has a specific kink. But often there are unforeseen consequences that can really be painful.
 
The reason I suggest that going this route, instead of just breaking up with her or starting seeing men while still with her, is that poly doesn't always work well in slotting in Partner B to provide what Partner A can't or won't.

Yeah, we're discouraged from thinking that we can somehow "fix" a relationship that's not on good footing by this method. And I fully agree with the notion that that's a bad idea.

However, I do believe that some folks can offer things to us which others simply cannot. And it's legitimate, and okay, to seek out what one longs for in other relationships, I believe.

Sometimes its gender, or sex, or anatomical parts which one person cannot offer. Sometimes it's intellectual stimulation, or adventurousness, or mutual love of certain shared activities (e.g., wilderness backpacking.).... On and on and on.... I don't subscribe to the notion that one person ban be "everything" for us, the way the monogamy myth says they should. And it doesn't make anyone bad or mean or deficient to recognize this and be honest about it.
 
Re (from californiaa):
"How do you tell your lesbian girlfriend this?"

Really, the only way I can think of to tell her is short and simple. "Honey, I'd like to start dating men again. But I don't want to break up with you. Can we talk about this?" and there's no guarantee that she won't react badly, but I don't know how to phrase it to her so that there would be a guarantee. The best you can do is sit down with her at a time when you are both relaxed, and there are no distractions.

Re:
"Are dreams just dreams? or is someone trying to tell me something?"

Possibly you are trying to say something to yourself. Sure dreams are just dreams, but they don't come out of nowhere, they originate in our subconscious. Some part of you wants to start dating men again. Now you have to figure out if that is something you can actually do. I hope you can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I'm with Opalescent and Evie.

Are dreams just dreams? Or is someone trying to tell me something?

It may be that your dreams are telling you this relationship is not all great LIKE THIS and you are tired/stifled by current arrangements.

So you have to talk to her to sort it out. And if it is not sortable? May have to become willing to let the relationship end.

Safety, comfort, security etc that I don't get in this current relationship. I'm the safety, comfort and security for her and it's exhausting. It's not the role that I have ever wanted.

Speak honestly with your partner about changing this role because its burning you out.

If she won't change? Consider parting ways.

Using poly as a "bandaid" to fix whatever in a relationship? That's not healthy poly.

Say she was all for poly and you date a dude. The problem is still there -- where she's exhausting you with all the requests. Learn to say NO to some of them. That is a change YOU can do right now.

If it is still draining and you request she change her behavior -- like spreading it around to ask family and friends for help and comfort and not always you? And she won't change her behaviors? You cannot make her. She controls her behavior choices.

You control yours. So the behavior choice that needs to change might be your "staying-ness" behavior. You might have to become ok letting this relationship go. Because if she refuses to work with you so it can be good for BOTH and not just her? It's just going to stay a draining relationship. :(

I think I'd like to start dating men again.

Then break up and date them of that's really what you want and she doesn't want poly. Do not cheat. Just end it clean and move on.

But is it really what you want? Or is what you want freedom from a draining relationship? Or maybe you want both.

I encourage you to do the soul searching/thinking you need to do.

But what ever you pick in the end?

  1. Asking for changes? Then ending it if it does NOT change?
  2. Or jumping right to telling her you are breaking up?

It begins with talking to her honestly about how it is from your side.

This is NOT working for you how it is if you are having "escape this" sounding dreams.

Galagirl
 
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There are aspects of relationships with men that I miss. Safety, comfort, security etc that I don't get in this current relationship. I'm the safety, comfort and security for her and it's exhausting.

You're describing aspects of codependence and reason enough to question any relationship. You're equating "safety, comfort and security" with men, but men don't ipso facto provide that, so it can't be men that you're missing. It's a healthy relationship that you're missing. Your current partner just happens to be a woman and the partners with whom you've felt safe and secure just happen to have been men, but mutual support and security are about the mental & spiritual health of the individuals, not about the gender of the individuals. There are many women who are self-winding, soulfully satisfying partners and many men who are needy, exhausting children. I'd take the complicating factors of gender and poly out of it and focus on whether you are content in this relationship.
 
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You're describing aspects of codependence and reason enough to question any relationship. You're equating "safety, comfort and security" with men, but men don't ipso facto provide that, so it can't be men that you're missing. It's a healthy relationship that you're missing. Your current partner just happens to be a woman and the partners with whom you've felt safe and secure just happen to have been men, but mutual support and security are about the mental & spiritual health of the individuals, not about the gender of the individuals. There are many women who are self-winding, soulfully satisfying partners and many men who are needy, exhausting children. I'd take the complicating factors of gender and poly out of it and focus on whether you are content in this relationship.


Well said, Karen. I had the same thoughts but didn't say so. I'm glad you said it.
 
Thank you.. Just thank you. I have a lot to read and respond to and I'm really grateful for all of your responses. When I get some alone time, I will respond to each one. I can't type on my computer too much without arousing suspicion and questions. Thank you again and please, keep them coming if you have more advice.
 
Glad to hear it's been helpful so far ... Keep us posted as your situation evolves!
 
I can't type on my computer too much without arousing suspicion and questions.

Suspicions and questions ... from typing? On your computer?

Uh-oh. That' doesn't sound quite right / good.
 
Suspicions and questions ... from typing? On your computer?

Uh-oh. That' doesn't sound quite right / good.

Ditto. That is not a good sign, just on it's own.

Also, OP, you are under no obligation to respond individually, or to respond to all of us.
 
I can't type on my computer too much without arousing suspicion and questions.

More codependence here. If typing on your computer "too much" invites intrusive, suspicious questions and you tacitly agree to this by hiding and lying by omission, you've got some basic dysfunction going on. Healthy relationships require and can accommodate individual privacy, but when you are hiding to avoid the evil eye, you're living with weak boundaries and have ventured into codependence.
 
More codependence here. If typing on your computer "too much" invites intrusive, suspicious questions and you tacitly agree to this by hiding and lying by omission, you've got some basic dysfunction going on. Healthy relationships require and can accommodate individual privacy, but when you are hiding to avoid the evil eye, you're living with weak boundaries and have ventured into codependence.

Yeah. Healthy and happy adult-to-adult relationships involve two whole people who are adult in their relationships. There is support and nurturing and care in these relationships, but it isn't one-sided or lopsided. It isn't imbalanced. And the partners are happy to encourage freedom in one another, rather than fearfully wanting to control or manipulate one another.

I repeated the word adult a couple of times, above, because often people who are otherwise adults enact the pattern of parent / child relationships. Or child / child. The one playing child feels like he or she has got to ask 'permission' for things which no adult would consider appropriate to have to ask about. Sometimes this matter of permission is not explicit, but implicit -- covert rather than overt. Slightly veiled, so as not to be seen for what it really is.

In adult-to-adult relationships, the healthy pattern is mutual trust and support. And "support" here can mainly mean supporting one another in being whole persons who are trusted to be themselves, naturally. When there is "suspicion" about, for example, typing on a computer ... or going out with friends, etc... the grown-up-ness or adultness of the relationship has begun to break down. Grown ups give one another lots of space in their togetherness in relationships. This arises naturally out of mutual trust and respect.

Most of us don't always meet the ideal of fully adult-to-adult relationships all of the time, but we should at least acknowledge that it's the ideal so we can adjust accordingly.
 
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Just a quick comment— I’m bi. I tend to have anonymous sex dreams about people who have a very different gender than the person I’m spending the most time with. The dreams may not be *that* meaningful.
 
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