Long distance love

this was written on another thread and I wanted to ask about it.

...... LDRs can often be characterized by an increased emotional vulnerability.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3203&page=8

I am curious how this is so and how it manifests. If you read the rest of this thread you will note that I am not a fan of LDR for myself. I have had LDR's before and have felt increased emotional vulnerability, but hadn't really recognized that until now... comments? ideas? thoughts?
 
this was written on another thread and I wanted to ask about it.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3203&page=8

I am curious how this is so and how it manifests. If you read the rest of this thread you will note that I am not a fan of LDR for myself. I have had LDR's before and have felt increased emotional vulnerability, but hadn't really recognized that until now... comments? ideas? thoughts?

hmmm as I am sort of going through this I can see it...and I believe it related directly to intimacy.

With intimacy comes a vulnerability that is easy and natural. We all like it (ok most of us) and we all accept it. In LDR's you can't have that so you need to connect somehow to keep building the relationship.

So instead of

communication -> friendship -> physical touch -> emotional touch -> intimate vulnerability

that line of site has to change in order to manifest the relationship into discernible steps of progression.

Ya ok, thats my 50 cent set of words for the day...jesus.
 
Ah, I missed this discussion before. This was something I had come to realize from 15 years of LDR experience in various forms, but I didn't really have words for until I read an article a few months ago talking about how the internet has changed the way people relate to one another and the intellectual and emotional impact of it all. Be damned if I can remember where it is, or who wrote it, though. I'm still going through my thousands of bookmarks to try to find it, because I thought it was such an insightful article. I'll post it here if I can ever find the link.
 
Maybe the distance is a good thing?

I can't believe I'm thinking it. My lover told me, maybe four months back, "I kind of like the distance." I told my husband later, "I wish I'd asked what he meant." But time was limited. It was too close to the meet up with our respective spouses and the goodbye, and all I wanted to do was hold him. I have damned the distance for two years... too far to resolve conflicts easily, too far to hug, too far to ask the hard questions, too far to get the concrete reassurance when I feel the pounding of doubts.

An amazing thing happened when work became crazy. I didn't have time to mourn and stress about the distance. I finally disconnected in some way. Maybe it was the death of NRE. I don't know. But somehow, in that disconnect, I found a feeling of security in the quad that I had not known before. We used to tell our significant others, "We're not going anywhere," and they'd say the same in return. I don't think I believed them. The process of relationship building was so extraordinarily slow... As we approach a week together though, with no preceding efforts to tempt or flirt or convince, and even after some "tough love" on our part, I'm thinking they must have been telling the truth.

The distance has been difficult, but perhaps not without its benefits? I am someone who feels deeply, deeply enough to scare off the weak or uncertain. I can be fierce in argument and recrimination, and my natural posture is one of "preparation for the worst." Our lovers recognize this in me, but they've been spared the brunt of it because of the distance.

I once told my lover, "We don't really see the worst of each other, because we don't have to deal with each other day in and day out." "Isn't that a good thing?" he asked. I suppose, when time is a precious resource, it really is.
 
Yep, distance can be a good thing. It has many benefits that many people don`t recognize.

Not in your case, but I find far to many people rush things. The bond, and your ability to be fluid and let the relationship take its own shape, makes all the difference in attitude and the ability to deal with things.

Enjoy the revelation. It is a great lesson. :)
 
Yep, distance can be a good thing. It has many benefits that many people don`t recognize.

Not in your case, but I find far to many people rush things. The bond, and your ability to be fluid and let the relationship take its own shape, makes all the difference in attitude and the ability to deal with things.

Enjoy the revelation. It is a great lesson. :)

My partner is 7 hours drive away,I enjoy the distance because I like my own time and it HAS forced us to take things slower especially with the complications of his children and their mothers. We negotiate regularly and talk daily but we both recognise the need for our 'own time'.
 
I see benefits. And am working with them. But there are things that move or change at a different pace. As long as you can handle the differing relationship style (the flow and pace of the relationship changes) its all good :)
 
I enjoy the distance at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes it's torture, but I find otherwise I can go to fast, or we're all over each other the whole time until one of us (or both!) can't take it anymore and we just break up.

I also find that it gives you the opportunity to know each other very well, and have a lot of emotional intimacy before you have sexual intimacy, and that works for me, as it allows me to trust my partner 100% and not be self conscious.
 
Long Distance Relationship

What constitutes a long distance relationship for you?

Is it a matter of driving time? Ease of access? (For instance - north vancouver to richmond could be long distance - not easy to get there if you don't have a car) Something else?
 
What constitutes a long distance relationship for you?

Is it a matter of driving time? Ease of access? (For instance - north vancouver to richmond could be long distance - not easy to get there if you don't have a car) Something else?

Thats not long distance to me. Thats a very short drive and easy to get to a date for. I don't drive and that isn't an LDR haha. Maybe its my ontario upbrining but a 45 to 1 hour drive to go to a date, or work, or anything, is not a far way to go. In BC this is very backwards, people here worry a lot about really short distances. Most people here would be laughed at in Ontario for the complaints on distance. :p :D

Long distance to me is something actually in the way. Flights would be a good measure...Ocean...etc.
 
Long distance to me is something actually in the way. Flights would be a good measure...Ocean...etc.

So does the little bitty bit of ocean between Vancouver and Victoria count? I don't count it, to me that's close enough to easily go there and back in a day.
 
So does the little bitty bit of ocean between Vancouver and Victoria count? I don't count it, to me that's close enough to easily go there and back in a day.

See that's what I mean - to me - if you can go there and back in a day - comfortably - then its not really *long distance*

But talk to anyone in the Lower Mainland and Squamish is *soooooooo* far away :eek:

And Ari - I'm not one of those who consider an hour drive long distance- I'm the one who happily commutes for work :p
 
Maybe its my ontario upbrining but a 45 to 1 hour drive to go to a date, or work, or anything, is not a far way to go. In BC this is very backwards, people here worry a lot about really short distances. Most people here would be laughed at in Ontario for the complaints on distance. :p :D

Here in LA no one would even blink at an hour long drive. Now a drive that takes an hour on Sat morn will take you 2 1/2 hours on Friday evening. My commute to work is 45min - 1 hour and that's only 25 miles.

Now, as far as LDR, I would say that would depend on a lot of things and would be very individualized. Some people are way more willing/able to travel longer distances. Realistically, I would say that anything under 1 hour would NOT be LDR, between 1-2 hours could be borderline, and 3+ hours most definitely, but that's just me. Cost of gasoline can be an issue also.

During football season, I don't go anywhere. I even have relatives come visit me at the practice field and we picnic. I can't be out late on Friday night, because there is always a game the next morning. I don't even want to think about what baseball season will be like (promissed the boy he could add this next year).
 
See that's what I mean - to me - if you can go there and back in a day - comfortably - then its not really *long distance*

But talk to anyone in the Lower Mainland and Squamish is *soooooooo* far away :eek:

And Ari - I'm not one of those who consider an hour drive long distance- I'm the one who happily commutes for work :p

Ya I know you do the drive. Not sure why people consider it LD it isn't really. I barely a lengthy drive. But some people don't want to put in the effort

Gotta agree derby, although it is financially tougher. Ferry can add up, but its still a reasonable drive for a date for example. If its doable to see someone once a week or bi-weekly than its something I just don't consider an LDr.

Distance is also about perspective. My ex boss was loaded (and a total douche) his idea of long distance was england...anyone in canada was fair game as he travelled often and had lots of money. Had a gf at every port.
 
I'm not sure where I would draw the line... The long distance relationships I've had were always in a different country, or even different continent (Europe - Canada).
And when it's a different country, there is a border in the way, and all the problems that can come with it. For instance, I'm still not allowed to leave Canada after a year and a half (immigration taking its time) so the fact that y boyfriend lives in the US is a pretty big problem, and would be even if it wasn't a 3 days' drive away. When we met in Vancouver, we both had about 20 hours of driving to get there. He's coming here in December and taking a plane, and that will only be about 4 hours in the plane, but it's a plane, so I would count that as long distance (taking a plane isn't as easy as just hoping into your car and driving).

I've never had a car (or a license) so I think back in Europe I probably would have considered anything that I needed to hop in a train for (as opposed to using public transit) to be a LDR.

I think there needs to be a barrier. A border, an ocean to cross, or having to get there by train or plane. But it also depend on where you live. I find that in Canada, an hour drive is almost nothing, while in Europe there were friends I only saw once or so a year because they lived "so far" (an hour away).
It feels weird, but my 20 hours in a Greyhound have seemed equivalent to the one hour I'd spend in the TGV (fast train). I can't explain why. I feel if I went back there, I would still feel an hour away is super far. (To be fair, it took me an hour of public transit to reach the train station in the first place, so I guess that counts more are 2).
 
Ldr

I'm still new to driving so for me a 6 hour round trip, which is what it is to R, is too long in my crappy car every week. Also anything that requires a hotel stay or plane tickets. It's more the expense and safety thing. If I had a good car and more money I would definitely make a trip at least every other weekend.
 
I used to drive over an hour each way to work everyday - I don't consider that long distance.

If you can drive there, have a nice long date, and drive back in the same day, it's not long distance.
 
I would never do a long distance relationship again. Well I should never say never, but they just aren't worth it for me... what distance would make it worth it? I would agree with an hour... any further would be an LDR for me. I just wouldn't want to spend the time getting there and back. That sounds so unloving doesn't it? I suppose if I really fell for someone I would go to the ends of the earth to see them really. how can one help themselves when in NRE> :D
 
You make a good point RP about depth of feelings and distance. When my husband and I were still just "swinging" I began to fall for a guy and we started talking about potentially moving in together at some point in the future and then suddenly his job moved him 3 hours away . . . I never saw him again - it was just too difficult.

Fast forward one year and my husband finally says I can be with D!!! D lived 3 hours away and I was begging to make the trip every weekend! When you REALLY love someone, no distance will change that.
 
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