Having kids?? or.. To be or not to be?

Thank you for this well thought response, Kevin! This thread is a few months old but big things like this one do not go away in such a short time - so no worry about necroposting.

Where I am at with this issue at this moment… Well, I am on birth control and have no plans to get off anytime soon. Actually, some big changes need to happen before I can even consider it. My feelings have not changed, it is still a huge “Hell, no!!” if I think of the whole issue of having a child. So NO be it. Not for me, not now, maybe not ever.

It was a huge relief to let go of the thought. To free myself of the “should”... I thought that I’d make my guys happy by agreeing to get pregnant, but then I realized that if I do it against my own willingness, no one is going to be happy. And this is where we are at now.

I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better :)

There is this one incident from my past that has come to my mind when thinking of this. It was at the time me and CJ were getting married. We did not tell almost anyone about the plan, just went quietly to the local registry office. A few days before the wedding one of my co-workers came to me and said: You look so happy and glowing, I have to ask, are you pregnant? To answer, I told her no, I am not pregnant but I am getting married in a few days and feeling happy. This comment puzzled me at that time, and it kind of still does. My first thought then was that I’d be devastated instead of happy if I was pregnant, why would she draw that kind of conclusions about my happy looks? Anyway, I definitely had a strong warm and fuzzy feeling about the marriage. Now, if I ever end up having a child (or children) THAT is the type of feeling I should have when thinking of getting pregnant - apparently other women do feel warm fuzzies about having babies? :confused: I am not there at the moment, not anywhere near to that.
 
The decision to not have children is a smart one, especially in this day and age. Trust yourself, know yourself, and don't let your partners pressure you into having children. You deserve respect and are really sacred because you have the potential to give life, even if you choose not to act on that potential. :)
 
I think some people are just not meant to have kids, ya know? My poly unit has three people in it, and all three of us agree that we don't want to have kids. Both of the men in our unit has been appropriately "fixed" in harmony with that decision, so we are very sure about it.

And maybe you'll not adopt, but you'll still have opportunity to interact with various kids, and have a positive impact on their lives. Sometimes kids remember the littlest things that we as adults think they would forget.

Sometimes I think, "Uh oh, there won't be any bloodline issuing from Kevin Thompson to demonstrate what his genes' destiny would be." Yes, when I go, the last of my bloodline will go with me. Not so true of my siblings, most of whom have kids. But that quibble doesn't bother me too much. I can't pass on my genes, but I can still pass on my memes. Every person I meet on the street is someone who'll carry away with them some small piece of me. Wherever I go in this world, I influence (no matter how slightly) how that world will be, and how it will become. The butterfly effect.

As others have pointed out, there's lots and lots of kids (and adults) filling this world, and parents are lining up at the door to add even more people. It's actually a good and needed thing if more people would volunteer to not add more kids to that already-overpopulated equation.

I know: the Catholic, Mormon, and more than a few other churches would tan my hide for saying that. :) "God wants us to have more kids! What more reason would you need?" Yyyeah. I'd need my own personal conviction, that's what I'd need.

"I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who are equally certain that they represent the divine will. I am sure that either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some respects, both. I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me."
-- Abraham Lincoln
 
Never felt any wish to have kids. Which is good, as I don't like the usual production method, either. :D
 
My ex wanted a child to solidify us as a couple. I indulged him and 6 years later we had a planned second child.

When i met N he was nearly 30 and never planned on marrying or having kids. We married 2 daya after our first anniversary and we have 2 daughters ( both unplanned). We love them all and im glad for our happy accidents. I joke around that the only way to get a man in his family to marry you is to get knocked up lol.

Both my ex and N have had a vasectomy so neither will be having additional children. i dont plan on having more kids either.
 
I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better :)
I think it's people who want kids who should ask themselves why, because having kids is a huge decision that needs a good reason. You don't need a reason for not wanting kids, because having no kids is the default state for everyone, and you're just keeping it. Think about it, isn't it strange that childfree people always face the question "why don't you want kids?" but people who want/have kids are rarely asked why?:confused:
 
Good point Eponine ...
 
Thank you for this well thought response, Kevin! This thread is a few months old but big things like this one do not go away in such a short time - so no worry about necroposting.

Where I am at with this issue at this moment… Well, I am on birth control and have no plans to get off anytime soon. Actually, some big changes need to happen before I can even consider it. My feelings have not changed, it is still a huge “Hell, no!!” if I think of the whole issue of having a child. So NO be it. Not for me, not now, maybe not ever.

It was a huge relief to let go of the thought. To free myself of the “should”... I thought that I’d make my guys happy by agreeing to get pregnant, but then I realized that if I do it against my own willingness, no one is going to be happy. And this is where we are at now.

I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better :)

There is this one incident from my past that has come to my mind when thinking of this. It was at the time me and CJ were getting married. We did not tell almost anyone about the plan, just went quietly to the local registry office. A few days before the wedding one of my co-workers came to me and said: You look so happy and glowing, I have to ask, are you pregnant? To answer, I told her no, I am not pregnant but I am getting married in a few days and feeling happy. This comment puzzled me at that time, and it kind of still does. My first thought then was that I’d be devastated instead of happy if I was pregnant, why would she draw that kind of conclusions about my happy looks? Anyway, I definitely had a strong warm and fuzzy feeling about the marriage. Now, if I ever end up having a child (or children) THAT is the type of feeling I should have when thinking of getting pregnant - apparently other women do feel warm fuzzies about having babies? :confused: I am not there at the moment, not anywhere near to that.



Hey Nadya

Your thread caught my attention...

My wife was a lot like you about motherhood. I was the one who always wanted to have a family. Before we married, she always said "some day I want kids" Eventually, after 8 plus years of living together, we got married. Then we hit our mid 30's. We were running out of time...I convinced my wife we should get pregnant... She had her reservations... We got off the pill and 2 months later we were pregnant.

My wife had the hardest time being mom... It was a disaster... Major PPD...I knew our first child would be our only.

Many women have that deep feeling motherly type instinct...My wife never had that and she knew that. She did it for me...I love her for that. She is an amazing mom, usually putting our daughter before us...We have an amazing confident 10 year old...I wouldn't change anything. It was just a very rough ride.

At least you are being honest with yourself and others. Children are amazing and at the same time, the hardest, most challenging thing I have ever been through....I have made so many mistakes being Dad and so many things I wish I would have done differently.

Stay true to yourself Nayda
 
My mother always wanted lots of kids because she was an only child (her parents miscarried twice before she was born and divorced when she was 4). She had 4 and now had 2 step children. Growing up, I wanted kids. I didn't have the perfect family, my mom and dad were prevented from getting married by my grandmother. My mom married my step dad and due to false accusations of abuse, I was placed in foster care while my mom was pregnant with my brother. By the time I moved back home, my brother and I had both experienced being only siblings and had a difficult time bonding as siblings. When our two younger siblings came along, there was even less time and attention. I was determined to only have 2 kids growing up, raised by both their biological parents after they were already married. My husband and I got married when we were 19 and 20 and while we had discussed having children, our plan was to wait until after he got out of the Army and I was done with school. We talked about traveling for a bit, settling down when we were 28 to start a family. Then I got pregnant on the pill (like my mother before me) a few months after we were married. We weren't ready, but for us at that point in time, abortion wasn't an option, and I can't give a baby up for adoption after living for 3 years as a pre-schooler in foster care. So we had the our son a few weeks before my 20th birthday. He was everything we could have hoped for, until he was 6 months old, then we discovered he had a health condition that took 2 surgeries and 5 years to correct. By then, we'd put off having another child out of fairness and neither of us wanted a huge age gap between children, so he became an only child. But at least, he'll carry on his family name (Runic Wolf was an only child and his father's brother was infertile, so there was alot of pressure for him to have at least one biological child).
 
Chapter #2

We have been faced with the fact that this issue about kids needs to be re-visited now. I have been diagnosed with a medical condition that might affect greatly my ability to have a child. I’ll see my doctor again after a couple of months and by then I should know what I want: the condition will be treated differently if I will try to get pregnant in the future vs. if I plan to remain child free.

I had this idea that I might just see how my feelings / thoughts / beliefs changed or did not change and then act accordingly in this matter. Now I won’t have the time, and need to actively make a decision. Not happy about this at all.

In the meantime our life has changed; my poly Vee has moved in together and now we live under one roof all three. This move was in the planning state a year ago, and was one of the reasons I did not want to add extra stress to all of it by getting pregnant. Now we live our dream, so to say, and in a way now would be a better time for having a child than a year ago.

So where do we all stand in this…

Mark would just love to have a baby in the house. He has been very consistent in this: he wants life around him, and would be happy to be the “extra adult” in the child’s life. He definitely does not want me to choose the treatment for my medical condition that would practically make it impossible for me to ever reproduce.

CJ is not sure. He is still in a shock over the diagnosis that I got and has not had time to process it. All he has told me is that he might still want to have a baby with me. I hope he keeps me updated about his thoughts and feelings over this matter.

And me? Well, don’t know. Of course, the medical condition itself is slightly worrying me, too, and the treatments that are to come. There are so many things to take into consideration, and I need to choose how to proceed with the treatments… ouch. That in itself would have been enough, but now I need to make a decision that might be the final one about this child issue.

My thoughts about life have changed slightly. Not much, but a bit. At the moment my thoughts about parenting have been around the practical matters and the life-long commitment to another human being, not so much those existential problems than last time. Still, no warm fuzzies about the thought of getting pregnant. Will need to thoroughly process this once again - probably for the last time. In the end it will be my decision and only mine.

Any comments / thoughts / advice anyone?
 
I guess my advice is for the three of you to sit down often over the next few months and discuss the question of having a baby. The guys need to know that you are not getting any warm fuzzies about getting pregnant. The three of you need to hear each other's thoughts on the matter, and a lot of thinking needs to be done in a short time.

I'm taking a wild guess, but can I assume that the treatment you'd get that would make pregnancy unlikely would be the more effective treatment? If so, you may want to lean away from getting pregnant. Perhaps adoption is a possibility?

Sorry you got stuck with this difficult decision, and I hope you will be okay healthwise.
 
Thank you, Kevin! Luckily the treatment that would make pregnancy highly unlikely is not necessarily the most effective - many people think it is, but there is a debate about it. The other options are okay, too - if there won't be big changes in my health, that is.

Last time I could leave the child issue at "let's think about it more later". Now the "later" has arrived.

Today I have been thinking about the family dynamic in our Vee, how my final decision of NOT having kids ever would affect it. I know both my guys would be sad about it. I think it would be harder on them now than it was last year. See, we have settled down together all three of us, and they both are starting to look into our future together. They have different motivations for having kids, but basically... we lead a pretty traditional lifestyle now. Down to earth, somewhat self-sufficient simple life. I think they both want to see a continuum to our existence.

Then again, I need to figure out how do I feel about possibly getting pregnant now. What I wrote a year ago was *then*. What has changed to the present day? My life has changed a lot. No more traveling between two homes, now there is one home and the projects are *ours*, including all three of us and not separate projects with each guy. Now the big question is: how do I feel about the continuum that my guys hope for? Would I be ready to "start a family" in the traditional sense, to pass our traditions to the next generation? Why would I do that? What would I need to sacrifice for that and would it be worth it?

Also... can it be that my core beliefs have changed so much that my ethics would allow it?
 
If "which treatment works better" is uncertain, then I actually favor the treatment that preserves your fertility. I say that because then you have more options; you can choose to have kids if you want to, even though you still don't have to.

If you do end up having kids, I suggest raising them with the idea of, "This is what your parents believe, and how your parents live, but there's nothing wrong with you doing things your own way." Kids need that kind of acceptance, I think.

We live in a messed-up world; much needs to be done to improve it. But some people are glad to be alive because then they can be a part of improving the world. There's a sense of accomplishment that comes with that, a feeling that one's own life is worthwhile.

Just some food for thought. I know you need to spend some time examining your ethics and core beliefs. I'll be eager to find out what you decide.
 
I'm actually surprised I haven't posted in this thread before as this is a topic that I've personally struggled with and written about on this forum before.

Short version: 2 failed pregnancies, a medical diagnosis that impairs fertility (endometriosis), and of an age that means increased risk of birth defects...and we decided to take baby-making off of the table. It was a difficult decision for me, but the right one for us.

Deciding to bring another human being into existence is, I think, the most fundamental life-changing decision that people can make and should not be entered into lightly. In my mind, if all people involved are not 100% "all in" then the answer is no.

That being said, I am always in favor of leaning toward the choices that leave the most "options open" for the future.
 
Thank you for the responses! It really helps the thinking part to a) write one's thoughts out and b) get some responses.

I have come to the same conclusion that the treatment that leaves the most options open is the best in this situation. As I am not able to make a decision one way or the other and be in 100%, I'll go for more time to think. Of course it can happen that nature decides this for me, but then it is a different story.

Anyway, I think that these months to come will be well spent thinking about this issue in depth. Like, really trying to imagine all the changes that would take place with a baby in the house. We are all somewhat experienced in raising children, but all of us lack the experience of having a baby to take care of. And of course I'll need to think beyond that, as the baby grows...
 
My thoughts about life have changed slightly. Not much, but a bit. At the moment my thoughts about parenting have been around the practical matters and the life-long commitment to another human being, not so much those existential problems than last time. Still, no warm fuzzies about the thought of getting pregnant. Will need to thoroughly process this once again - probably for the last time. In the end it will be my decision and only mine.

The practical matters and lifelong commitment are really the thing we should all consider and weigh heavily when thinking about "having a baby" (which is really "bringing a person into the world with the assumption that we will be his or her family and support him or her financially, emotionally, and in every other way, at least to adulthood"). If all we do is listen to the "warm fuzzies" and follow the biological imperative of reproduction, we do a disrespect to the persons who are most affected by the decision to have kids - the kids themselves.

Pregnancy is a short period in the life of a person - the pregnant and the gestated. Even those of us who have "warm fuzzies" about pregnancy experience some ambivalence about all that it entails. Ambivalence about pregnancy combined with enthusiasm about raising a child together may just mean you will see pregnancy as a means to a desired end. Or it may turn you toward adoption.

But enthusiasm about raising a child together is (IMHO) absolutely essential, among all parents. If you are lulewa about the years of parenting ahead, process longer. Sure, you're on a short timeline for decision-making, but does preserving your fertility doesn't mean you're deciding to definitely have kids. Does preserving your fertility mean that the treatment will be less effective? That might feed into your thoughts about a long-term commitment to a child, and whether your condition will allow you to be available to the child in the way you want to be.

You have a lot to consider. I urge you to (first) choose the treatment that beat meets your long term goals, and (second) worry less about pregnancy ambivalence, and think hard about whether you are ready to enthusiastically commit to raising a child together, regardless of how she or he comes into your lives.

Best wishes for your health and your family's happiness.
 
We adopted a child. It is an amazing gift. We were lucky in that we got our child at birth. In retrospect, we found out there were siblings that we could have gotten. However that wasn't disclosed to us till it was to late.

However, our child is a shining star in my life.
 
SlowPoly, a special thank you for your response! It has absolutely been the most useful one so far. Even though I have not answered here earlier, your words have been with me in my thought processes last weeks.

The practical matters and lifelong commitment are really the thing we should all consider and weigh heavily when thinking about "having a baby" (which is really "bringing a person into the world with the assumption that we will be his or her family and support him or her financially, emotionally, and in every other way, at least to adulthood"). If all we do is listen to the "warm fuzzies" and follow the biological imperative of reproduction, we do a disrespect to the persons who are most affected by the decision to have kids - the kids themselves.

...

But enthusiasm about raising a child together is (IMHO) absolutely essential, among all parents. If you are lulewa about the years of parenting ahead, process longer.

This. I really took these words very seriously, and this is the matter we have discussed the most, from several perspectives. Where we are at now:

Mark is easy. No changes, really. He wants to have a child in the family, he loves me and wants to support me in my decision, whatever it is. At some point Mark kind of stepped aside of the discussions - he is not going to be a decision-maker here, and we have heard his point. He does listen to me and/or CJ if we need to talk, he will repeat his points if asked. All good.

CJ has needed to do some introspection here as well. I have tried to keep up with his process, have wanted to know where he stands. My understanding now is that his wish to get a child is very real. It has to do with his best friend’s children, as they are growing and show interest in various things in life. CJ thinks that we would have a lot to give to the possible child/ren, in a non-material way. We three adults in the family have wide general knowledge and a lot of practical skills to pass to the next generation. Our child could have a rich life of learning new things every day - we would be able to satisfy the child’s natural curiosity to explore life. We all three adults have different things that we are passionate about, and basically all of them are things that are possible to do with a child - to teach to a child.

Also, CJ sees our poly Vee as a plus to this. It just is easier with three adults involved than with two. No doubt about that.

Myself? Well, somehow CJ’s thoughts have touched my heart. This is so true. We all three have grown without the support for our inner passions. We have had to learn things a lot by ourselves, without the parents being involved. Now we could give a different start to someone. We could be involved and invested - no matter what would be the inner passion of the new person. In this sense Mark has had the best childhood and best environment to grow - and he has been the most positive about creating a new life.

I am still quite scared of all the risks involved… My body is not young any more and is getting older every day. With the treatments to come first, it will take months to even start TTC… Which in a way is good, it gives me more time to prepare myself or to say a final no. Just, every added month adds more risks.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what could go wrong - in all possible ways. You know, there are plenty of opportunities to everything going awry - health-wise, financially, emotionally… whoaah.

Anyway, I am approaching some sort of emotional harmony. I got excellent advice from my friend: start thinking about happiness as little fragments, small happy moments in life. Those I do have plenty of nowadays.
 
Everything in life is a risk, and that is particularly true with having kids. But, in my own heart I am feeling like having a child would be a good thing for you. And while that doesn't count for much, as it is strictly you guys's decision, and wouldn't be a risk to me, I thought I would mention the positive vibe I had about it.

After all, not having a child is a risk too. There is a chance you could end up looking back and wishing you'd gone ahead with a pregnancy when you could. You might always wonder what that would have been like. So, think about the risks on both sides of the coin.
 
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