(Very Very Long) Looking for Others Who Experienced Same with Metamour/Perspective

Situation: Last week, metamour told partner that she wanted partner to downgrade relationship of partner and me to the equivalent of fuck buddy. My shared partner told me and was froze with indecision over how to handle the situation because he didn't want to lose me and knew I wouldn't accept those terms but he also didn't want to lose his other partner, whom he shares legal, financial and parental obligations with. I did confirm that I laid down my terms at the start of our relationship and that I was looking for emotional intimacy, not a sexual only relationship. I told him that if he was going to shape our relationship by a third party's terms in which I had no say, voice or control not to come over that Friday as his other partner told him no overnights.

He did not come over and did not message me (later he told me he was dealing with an ear infection and despite the messages and such that he was in the wrong for not messaging me). I was devestated thinking we were over because he originally said he wasn't sure how to keep our agreement and satisfy his other partner. He didn't know what to say to her.

Normally, I do not speak to my metamours about relationship stuff, preferring to leave that to the involved parties and I do NOT have a relationship romantically with the metamour. In fact, despite being welcomed by her as a family member, her actions have repeatedly not matched her words and I have started withdrawing from interactions as much as possible to respect her space but still have to deal with constraints of myself and my partner's responsibilities. Metamour has a live in boyfriend and they frequently leave our shared partner home to watch the children, so I spend one night a week over there with partner while he watches children.

However, this time, since I thought our relationship was over, I felt like I had nothing to lose by speaking up and I sent out an open message to invovled parties in our polycule to avoid a he said, she said situation. I advised that I was not a warm body with a wet hole meant to satisfy our partner's sexual needs to be abandoned to share emotional intimacy only with her and that I was hurt that she attempted to downgrade a relationship that did not involve her and that I felt like I was powerless without a voice or any options except to walk away. I also said some other things, non attacking in nature but expressing my hurt at being excluded from decision making processes about my relationship.

She sent a reply back to only me backtracking her statements made to our shared partner and I did share that email with our shared partner because at this point I was interested in everyone sharing the same communications and expectations.

I saw my partner today at lunch. He admitted his other partner was upset with him that he shared the downgraded relationship conversation with me, that she didn't want anyone knowing her feelings. He said he felt that I had the right to know when it came to my relationship if something was going to impact me. And she did not agree.

I asked him if I was a non-entity to her, and he agreed that my metamour did consider me a non-entity when it came to considerations. I have expressed multiple times how the polycule makes decisions (metamour's bf, my shared partner, and her) that involve influence on my relationship. I clarified multiple times (6x or more over the course of the last few months) that my shared partner and his other partner do not have veto over each other's relationships, he says no veto. I felt sad because I have given the metamour my support and consideration and that when I make decisions, that I try to think of the whole group since they have responsibilities as I do. But I am not given the same parity or reciprical consideration. I don't know how to get it. I'm not asking for friendship and given up on the intimacy of family style poly, having thought that shared space would be an easy way to spend time together and still get emotional needs met (this has not worked because she responds with anger and jealousy any time our shared partner and I play together -I like to bump hips, banter with insane troll logic, and do things like poke my partner to prompt retaliatory interactions like wrestling).

I asked my shared partner if, since it feels like our involved parties have different goals, if he thought it might be helpful to step back for six months so he and my metamour could work out things and he says no. He thinks that given time because he and I want the same things that the compatibilities will work out for the better. But I am just on the fence because I have a hard time trusting what might happen if the metamour attempts to downgrade me again.

I expressed hurt and anger to my shared partner that he didn't step forward to stand up for the relationship and he admits to being indecisive because he didn't know what to do and because he said he had a hard time arguing while dealing with an infection (ear infection causing headaches and stuff for a couple of days because of a bad swimmer's ear). I believe him. I don't feel like he lies. I do feel like he's overly optimistic sometimes, but I also tend to plan for the worst/hope for the best due to anxiety.

It's not my shared partner I am anxious over, it's the veto and the couple's privelege and knowing someone doesn't see me as worthy enough as a person with feelings and considerations, to such an extent that she just wants me to be a fuck buddy to her husband. I explained in the open letter that everyone knew from the beginning that I was polyamorous, expecting a polyamorous relationship and that I was not open nonmonagamous. They opened their relationship to explore sexuality and we opened ours to expand our circle of chosen family and loved ones.

My partner wants what I want. He's had fuck buddies and said he wants the emotional intimacy and connection and that he doesn't want to be fuck buddies, either. So I was wondering, if anyone has been in this situation before, how did you handle the anxiety of knowing a metamour wants to downgrade the relationship? How did you maintain trust in a partner?

Logically, love and emotional intimacy is not the only factor. I know in weights and consideration that neither my metamour or shared partner can handle the constraints of a lower quality of life or a downgrade in financial situations because they share a child with muscular dystrophy and some rather poor financial decisions that they have to work through together. When I weight things outside of love, economically it makes sense to maintain that relationship over our own but my shared partner freezes whenever my metamour's unhappiness and jealousy spill over onto our relationship. He has stood up for and maintained some things I asked for in the beginning like giving me overnights and maintaining the metamour cannot call him away for anything less than an emergency (she had a habit of trying to guilt trip him with minor things to call him home).

I don't even know what words of wisdom I'm looking for. Perhaps I'm venting. It's just so hard to trust when I'm scared of my metamour's emotional state and know she considers me as a non entity with regard to what she wants done with my relationship involving our shared partner.

Sorry for the long post. I am just anxious and seeking input from others who are polyamorous and have had this experience.
 
I don't think you need any words of wisdom. You know what's going on. You just need to figure out if you want to live on the edge of the precipice or not.
 
You say your metamour considers you a non-entity. While on the surface it may appear so, I rather feel that it's the complete opposite. That is to say, she knows and fears how important you are to "her" husband and is trying to undermine your influence and emotional connection in any way she can because of that, out of insecurity.

In polyamory, communication is key. One need not have direct communication with one's metamours, or indeed a friendship or any type of intimacy... however your meta seems hellbent on digging away at the foundations of yours and your shared partner's relationship, and isn't above using underhanded means to do it (inventing "emergencies" to coax him to her side; telling him she wants him to downgrade you to fuck-buddy status yet NOT wanting him to tell you she said that; sending a private email in response to the open communique you sent to all members of your polycule).

You know exactly what's going on here too, Sage. Your shared partner seems to be easily manipulated when it comes to his spouse and her demands. Perhaps he fears the financial fallout or loss of his kids if they should spilt, so he caves in to her demands, or feels he needs to give her the *impression* he is putting her/their partnership first, in an attempt to appease her.

Perhaps he is simply weak and codependent when it comes to her and their relationship dynamic. You say she has another partner with whom she spends time/overnights while he stays home and watches their kids - often with your help - yet she isn't willing to afford you the courtesy of treating YOU like part of the extended family? That is simply a clear double-standard. She is pulling the couple privilege card while not being willing to hold herself and her own relationship behaviour to her own standards. Not on.

Your shared partner needs to stop dithering and stand up for you and your relationship, or else call it quits with you so you can move on.
 
acon 21422

Sage,

I can empathize with your situation because my partner also is married to a woman who seems to feel that she owns him and his time, and has the right to tell him what he can and can't do with me. The examples are much less significant -- which nights he can spend, etc. -- but the bottom line is that I do not have a voice and don't feel that she values me as a person. As in your situation, my partner tends to be very passive and give in to her on most details, so everything is kind of take-it-or-leave-it. Most of my suggestions for ways to have a more collaborative dynamic -- spending time as a trio when there are scheduling conflicts, meeting in person to discuss vacation plans and other logistics -- have been rejected by her, with no pushback from him.

It's been extremely upsetting and stressful for me, and your situation is much more extreme so I can only imagine what you must be going through. I think that in both our cases, walking away is the only solution, but it's definitely a downside of poly that you can so easily end up in such a situation.

That happens in typical mono relationships, too, but it's a lot easier to spot red flags and get out early if it's your partner who's a problem, as opposed to your metamour who you typically don't get to know well. In my case, I'm now two years into a relationship that feels like the best I've ever had, but seriously considering ending it because I feel so rejected and disrespected by my metamour.

Anyway, hang in there.
 
I appreciate the insight from those who are in similar situations. I am not ready to walk away after having spoken up when I thought it was all over. I am uncertain what my tolerance will remain in concerns to the couple's dynamics but have chosen to speak to my shared partner and invite him into the thread.

He has indicated that despite the marriage being open for nearly a decade and the livein bf of my metamour having been on sight for (working on the third year) two years, that the polycule feels new to polyamory and just stumbled into it. I am uncertain if what they are going through IS growing pains.

I do agree with other posters that there is often a double standard and metamour does indicate she is aware of the double standard and hypocrisy and is working on it. So I am trying to acknowledge those efforts. But I still do not feel that the behaviors acted out by the metamour are justifiable because of emotional responses.

I know and understand that emotions, all emotions are valid and are what they are, but I feel like behaviors are controllable and people should be self actualized with respect to others. But neither do I want to criticize someone else, I only called out the metamour in front of everyone in our group because when it's private only emails, I tend to respond to her communication and then hear nothing back. It tends to be like talking to a void, I have to trust that my words made an impact. I do try to end my emails in a supportive manner by showing support or sharing common ground.

The communication style of myself is vastly different from the metamour's ongoing dynamic and sometimes I feel uncertain at the abilities of everyone to bridge that gap. My number one need has always been open, honest direct communication (even before poly) and this is because it helps me manage other people's expectations (as I tend to miss social cues with traits of asperger's and I try hard to understand other people's behaviors so I can interact without being improper).

Thank you for the feedback. it helps to see other people in the same situation and gives me both hope and dread. Thank you.
 
This is why I no longer date poly men with nesting partners.

That said your partner is being a sloppy hinge. He needs to address the issues with his other partner. There is no way in hell I would allow Butch to have any power or say in my relationship with Murf.

Your metamour isn't the issue in your relationshipship your boyfriend is.
 
Originally, I had chosen when I entered the poly community to only date poly men who already had partners because I thought it meant they would have experience already in managing poly related issues like communication and jealousy.

I thought if I dated single men (because there is a deluge of men, poly and non who seem to approach one as if poly means nsa or casual relationships) that I would have to deal with my own newly poly reactions as well as someone who may not even identify as poly but was willing to try in the hopes of getting a piece of tail (based on my messages from other parties).

I have started, after two relationships with people who's metamours have exerted control over my relationships without anyone speaking to me first, to reconsider my position. Like you, Dagferi, I am starting to wonder if I should have considered solo polyamorous men as my first option.

I just thought, since I was already partnered with one person, that another person who was already partnered would have common ground and shared understandings. Rather than dealing with people who may not be poly but were willing to check it out. I wanted people who already identified as poly without any influence from me and the dating scenarios that might pressure people online.

But I never imagined that relationships with metamours would have so much influence as I have experienced. I do not feel threatened nor jealous that others have time with my partners. I do not mind sharing as long as the person I am with can meet my needs as we agreed upon in our own relationship. I never thought that getting my own needs met would be a battle and a half. I never thought that I would feel excluded in a relationship that was defined by many. I saw so many posts of polycules and intimacy and family and support and love without restrictions upon one's autonomy, in addition to my reading materials both fiction and non-fiction.

I guess I just thought if people made the choice to be poly that they wouldn't inflict double standards on others who mirror their position (metamours). There are times that I want more time with a partner, but I have never seen my metamour as an obstacle to that desire. The only things I have felt negatively toward my metamours is resentment and anger and hurt that they have more influence and input on my relationships with a shared partner than I do, at least I feel that they do.

It's like a constant pressure in my head sometimes trying to maintain my own boundaries to get my needs met rather than giving in in an attempt to be giving and good. It's a struggle to be selfish when I have always thought compromise to be the best option for everyone. But if I compromise or give in on my boundaries, I find myself miserable and wishing someone would consider my needs as much as I try to consider others. It's a horrible cycle of trying to figure out a balance.

I always thought shared space would fix the not enough time with a partner but instead I find it triggers the other people because they don't like the intimacies (even the non-sexual ones) that they can observe between me and a partner. I just do not understand sometimes what the proper course of action is for both the metamour, my shared partner and me.

I just want everyone to get their needs met (myself included) and I wanted the community and intimacy.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I might be wrong, but here's how it sounds to me.

It's a struggle to be selfish when I have always thought compromise to be the best option for everyone. But if I compromise or give in on my boundaries, I find myself miserable and wishing someone would consider my needs as much as I try to consider others. It's a horrible cycle of trying to figure out a balance.

Then don't do that. Boundaries are things you set up to help keep you safe. They are not for other people to obey. They are for YOU to obey. Why are you not obeying them? :confused:

You are supposed to put your own oxygen mask on in a crashing plane. Not hope other people will come do it for you. You put your own on, and THEN you can gift your help/aid to others. If compromising yourself brings you misery because then you have no air? Stop doing other people's masks for them first. You do yours first.

(Arriving at compromise) where everyone gives up something is not the same thing as (compromising yourself) where you give up your values. Compromising yourself is compromising your values/what you want. Which you are doing. You are in a relationship model you do not like and keep bending yourself into pretzels when you don't want to. Why do this? What for?:confused:

You are not giving yourself what you need to breathe in this relationship. You keep looking to the other people to consider your needs and bring you an oxygen mask instead.

So I think you could give yourself air and stop participating here like this. Be more firm and speak your truths. As you said -- you have nothing to lose in speaking up. It's already crap. It cannot get crapper.

So speak up and see if it gets better. Either because it finally ends and you are free of it all, or it improves and you and BF can practice the model you both claim to want. If you want it? Start practicing it. Your BF says he wants the model you like. So he can start practicing it also.

Rather than bending yourself into pretzels.

I know it is tempting to blame the wife. And she might be your BF's problem. He's the one picking her and her unwanted model out. I don't know why he does that.

But he is YOUR problem. You are the one picking HIM out and participating in a model you don't like/want. So stop picking out this unwanted model and practice the one you want. Let him make his next choices. It will either become what you need because partner steps it up and comes to decisions, or it will fizzle out because he stays with a model that doesn't fit him and he continues with the "neither here nor there" indecisiveness. But then it doesn't have to affect you any more. You can bow out.

Last week, metamour told partner that she wanted partner to downgrade relationship of partner and me to the equivalent of fuck buddy.

Well, if that's what she wants to think in her head? That's nice. Think whatever delusion, lady.

My shared partner told me and was froze with indecision over how to handle the situation because he didn't want to lose me and knew I wouldn't accept those terms but he also didn't want to lose his other partner, whom he shares legal, financial and parental obligations with.

THIS is the problem. Him oversharing and being a sloppy hinge.

Why's he even telling you that stuff? For what purpose? :confused: There's stuff you need to know (ex: sex health labs) and stuff from the other side of the V that you just don't need to know.

He said he felt that I had the right to know when it came to my relationship if something was going to impact me.

Only impacts you if he decides to "downgrade" you at her request. So... what's he doing telling you her delusions? If he's with a delusional person, that's his choice and his problem. Not yours. Why's he making it be yours? That's sloppy.

She sent a reply back to only me backtracking her statements made to our shared partner and I did share that email with our shared partner because at this point I was interested in everyone sharing the same communications and expectations.

So keep doing that. Open and clear communication with all parties.

If they have coparenting responsibilities for the special needs child that require financial and parental obligations? That's not going to change if he ends it with her because she wants to practice a relationship model X and he prefers to practice a relationship model Y.

So why's he repeating her junk to you for? Does he ADD or TAKE AWAY from your misery when he behaves like that?

I suggest you keep speaking your truth. Be more true to your values. This relationship model will either change because YOU and your hinge step it up. Or you will see him in a new light -- you step it up and he's all talk, no show, and sloppy hinge to boot.

Galagirl
 
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First time I had metamour issues I tossed it up to a fluke, second time I figured it was a coincidence, third time I figured it was a trend and chose to stick with solo poly men or monogamous men.

I have personally found independant natured mono men the best fit for me. I have even had issues when Butch dabbled in poly. One wanted to dictate my schedule with Murf. Another wanted to be my instant bff. Third tried to Cowboy Murf via social media. Poor Butch decided that women are crazy and has decided to be monogamous. Murf has no interest in poly and only is involved because he has never met a woman like me....lol
 
Hi Sage,

I'm sorry you're going through this and can completely sympathize as I'm having my own metamour issues.

Gala's advice really resonated with me.

Boundaries are things you set up to help keep you safe. They are not for other people to obey. They are for YOU to obey. Why are you not obeying them?


I'm learning that I need to have boundaries, to keep me safe. And ultimately, my relationship is with my partner, not his wife. She can make it uncomfortable, but she is not a part of the equation. He and I are. Period.

Stay true to your heart and the vision of the life and relationship you want.

H
 
Regarding an earlier comment, apologies for lack of specification, I have my hands full of toddlers after work, I DO keep my own boundaries. That is why I am so torn, I wonder if I am too rigid. I created the situation that led to me crying because I said, "Don't come over" if the rules of our relationship are going to be defined by the third party/metamour and not what we agreed to between ourselves.

Regarding the position of only dating solo poly or monogamous men, I kind of feel that as I have a shared life with someone, involving children and bills, that it would be hypocritical for me to disregard a partner's suitability based upon nesting status ties. I mean, the whole point of poly is to have many relationships and I think that I should respect that in a partner so as not to exercise my own double standard.

Regardless of how stressed I may get or sad at third party influences. I just get bogged down trying to cope sometimes, is all.

I appreciate the insight others with more experience or similarities give me when offering their own experiences and coping scenarios. Thank you. It helps to feel not alone.
 
I am so torn, I wonder if I am too rigid. I created the situation that led to me crying because I said, "Don't come over" if the rules of our relationship are going to be defined by the third party/metamour and not what we agreed to between ourselves.

You don't want to date someone who will allow a third party to "downgrade you to fuckbuddy."

You want to be in a relationship where you define the rules of the relationship yourselves. If this dating partner is willing to go with someone else determining what goes in your relationship? Then they don't meet your personal standard for a dating partner.

Sometimes it is very disappointing when a partner lets you down. So I think crying is natural after being disappointed.

I don't think lowering your personal standards just so this partner meets the bar will bring you long term happiness.

Galagirl
 
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I have been lurking in this forum for the last six months, having found it when I started having my first poly problems back in January. I just want to say thank you to the other poly practicing people who came to give me insight. Thank you so much.

My partner apparently read the thread and did a lot of thinking and has given me a pointed response, so perhaps this forum helped not just me but one other. It helps to have others give me some validation because then when it is observed by a partner, I do not feel as if my perspective if so one sided or biased.

I figured people would call me out if I needed to change myself, like Gala did. So thank you for being here for me as a community. I am happy to have this resource available and wish only I had a way to meet people close to me to have an offline community of acquaintences and friends of like minded practices. Thank you. I am so grateful.
 
I DO keep my own boundaries.
It's like a constant pressure in my head sometimes trying to maintain my own boundaries to get my needs met rather than giving in in an attempt to be giving and good. It's a struggle to be selfish when I have always thought compromise to be the best option for everyone. But if I compromise or give in on my boundaries, I find myself miserable and wishing someone would consider my needs as much as I try to consider others. It's a horrible cycle of trying to figure out a balance.

You've got some wobbly cognitive dissonance going on, Sage, and your relationships reflect it. We are talking about this very thing right now over here.
 
It's like a constant pressure in my head sometimes trying to maintain my own boundaries to get my needs met rather than giving in in an attempt to be giving and good. It's a struggle to be selfish when I have always thought compromise to be the best option for everyone. But if I compromise or give in on my boundaries, I find myself miserable and wishing someone would consider my needs as much as I try to consider others.

This. But it's not just a struggle in my own head -- I am trying to get my needs met, but it feels like a constant struggle. Because every time there is a conflict, they assume that its my time with him that should be reduced, and I have to then try to convince him that there's a problem with that, and then there's no flexibility on her end. For example, this past weekend, BF said "wife would like to do Friday night through late Saturday afternoon instead of Saturday night through Sunday morning, because her BF has a thing Saturday night." I responded: "That means our date starts at 8 PM instead of 4 PM. And having the extra daytime doesn't help because I have an appointment at noon on Saturday that's going to take several hours. But I know you two have been having issues and I don't want to deprive her of a date night with you, so I will do Friday night, if we can also have dinner Sunday night, perhaps with wife so she doesn't lose any time with you." When he presented this to her, it was "dragonette will do Friday night instead of Saturday. Can we all have dinner together Sunday as well?" She didn't want him to see me Sunday night at all, so I got stuck with just Friday night.

Yes, he is a sloppy hinge and should be standing up for my needs -- no question about it. But it doesn't really matter whether the problem is the hinge or the metamour. The frustrating part is that you can end up in a situation where everything about the time you spend with your own partner is great, but you can't get your needs met because of something about the dynamic between the people in a different relationship that you have no control over. I feel like my only recourse at this point is to dump BF, even though in other ways he's a great partner for me.
 
You've got some wobbly cognitive dissonance going on, Sage, and your relationships reflect it. We are talking about this very thing right now over here.

I do NOT think my cognitive dissonance is wobbly.

I think I do maintain my boundaries. And the pressure I feel is the stress of knowing that my maintaining of my boundaries is going to force a conflict, which I want to avoid. Especially if I feel like the fight that's coming has no winners.

Example: I maintain my boundaries about don't come over if my partner is going to adjust our relationship without my input based on the demands of the metamour.

The pressure in my head then becomes anxiety over whether or not I'm about to lose my relationship or become enmeshed in a fight when the fact that I don't cede control to my metamour's authority causes a confrontation.

Having anxiety and recognizing that I have anxiety in relation to dealing with social situations and fight/flight/fear (which is what drives anxiety disorders) is not wobbly cognitive dissonance. Acknowledging the pressure is me acknowledging that my anxiety is hindering me, not giving in, being weak, or not maintaining my boundaries.

I have traits of asperger's, general anxiety, and battle depression off and on. I do the work on my self and generally try to adjust my own behaviors so as to minimize the impact of my faults on others. Just because I feel pressure, doesn't mean I'm inconsistent.

Every social interaction outside one on one with a person makes my brain feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean with a glass bubble under the strain of water pressure. The water pressure is what social anxiety feels like to me. This part of acknowledging the pressure and stress maintaining my boundaries to get my needs met does not negate that I AM maintaining my boundaries.
 
Hi Sageflutterby,

It sounds like you are stuck in a really frustrating situation. You want to have a say in what kind of relationship you have with your partner, but your metamour is trying to take away your choices. I can see why this would cause you stress and anxiety. I'm not sure how to fix the situation, but I wanted to express my sympathy. I hope your partner will step up to the plate, and start defending his relationship with you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
May I suggest you choose nicknames for your bf, his wife, and her other partner. It would make it easier to talk about them and the crumbling dynamic in your polycule.

I saw your intro thread where you said that your bf's wife is breaking up with her bf. You also said that your bf and his wife may be getting divorced soon themselves (he feels she is "terrorising" him) after 2 years of knowing each other and only 6 months of marriage.

Also, I am surprised your bf has more than one kid with his wife after only 2 years of knowing each other? So the wife has 2 kids, and a new husband and a new bf, and her husband has a gf (you) who also has at least 2 kids?? That is really a lot to deal with! I know having small kids makes it hard to even have a 10 minute conversation about simple things, much less all this adult relationship stuff.

All the stress in their relationship is impacting the fun and enjoyment you'd like to have in your relationship with your bf.

You said in your intro that you might lose your relationship with bf if he and his wife break up... It sounds to me like their issues are having a very bad effect on your own relationship with bf. Why not consider taking a break with bf until he gets things sorted out with his wife? You don't need to sit and be his counselor as he deals with all that. You're too close to the situation. It doesn't have to be, and probably shouldn't be, your job. Suggest he lean on family, friends, a counselor and maybe a lawyer to get his act together. Once he has more clarity he might be a better partner for you. You've got a full time job and a couple toddlers? That's stress enough right there, it seems to me.

I once dated a poly guy very happily for 2 years, until (his NRE for me having faded,) he started dating a married couple. Their triad wasn't healthy, there was jealousy and triangulation, there were fights and cheating, break-ups and reunions... He'd come to me to tell me about their latest drama, and it started to seem like it's all we were talking about! I broke up with him when it just got to be too much for me. He was too distracted by his NRE with them and their uneasy jealousy ridden shit. It was very sad for me, but I had to let him go completely.

In your case I see hope that it needn't be a permanent break-up for you and bf, but just a temporary break while he deals with the bad issues he and his wife are having.
 
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Just find your thread.
My situation would be different but similar, so you can have a look.
He admitted his other partner was upset with him that he shared the downgraded relationship conversation with me, that she didn't want anyone knowing her feelings. He said he felt that I had the right to know when it came to my relationship if something was going to impact me. And she did not agree.
I'm unclear from all the writing if she was indeed asking him to take the step of downgrading his relationship with you, or if she was sharing her preference with her partner. Either could lead to paralysis if he can't withstand her feeling badly.

There's an extremely fine line here between sharing important information and respecting privacy.

If I have a jealous meltdown and say bad things to my partner about my metamour? I don't want Idealist running to Meta and upsetting her by telling her about my upset. I'm not being my best self when I'm having a meltdown. I wouldn't seriously say what I said if I was better, and I certainly wouldn't say it in her face, as it wouldn't help our relationship at all. I'm at the moment allowing myself to be emotional and vulnerable with my partner, and I sure as hell hope he keeps my worst moments private.
On the other hand, if Meta indeed wants me out of the picture, I would like to know, so that I can make my informed decisions.

So yeah, fine line. What is oversharing, what is withholding information? I'm not sure. It's maybe best to manage some matter-of-fact conversations after emotions have settled down.
 
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