I've been having relationship issues after my gf came out poly to me

Ihavequestions

New member
Hi there, I'm actually really glad I found this place.
I've been with my girlfriend for a little over two years. We'd been having monogamous relationship during this period. During this period, I've also had discussions with my lady about how she's bisexual. I love this about her. And to be honest, I'm really open to a lot. Monogamy doesn't have to be my limit.
But three weeks ago, she told me she was polyamorous. Now, she had been expecting things to go horribly. I proved her wrong. I was ecstatic she had opened up to me, and I stressed to her the fact that it did not bother me.
She was elated. But soon after, problems started to arise. She's a very stubborn, and sometimes aggressive person. After a few talks, it seemed like I was getting forced into something.
I made this clear, and she backed down. We remained talking about it, and I did some reading (really resourceful and helpful reading) and I started to appreciate it more. I started to see it a little bit. But my transition from monogamy to this is taking a while. And she's not a patient person. One week after she told me, she tells me she has feelings for her friend of many years. Being as I am, and the past I have (I have plenty of my own problems I need to overcome) this made me feel slightly threatened. Like I didn't have time to process this and be fully comfortable.
And she sits there and criticizes that I talk about my comfortability over her happiness. So I tell her I feel like this is a thing of compromise, from what I read everything needs to be consensual and that this is a time taking process. If it took her so long to accept this, how will it take me three weeks? And now its getting to a point I don't know how to approach this.
Recently, I found out some things that made me uncomfortable. And I brought them to her. She's been on edge ever since, and I'm scared of losing the woman I love. I'm here trying to learn more and be more accepting for her, and I feel like she's browbeating me about it half the time, and being aggressive. Borderline doing what she wants with disregard for how I feel, and I feel like that's not okay. I don't know how to come to her about this without her blaming monogamy and my insecurities. I don't know how to approach the fact that she needs to help me through this instead of pushing me into it.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, and can offer some help, I'd greatly appreciate it. Im just so stuck and lost.
 
It does sound as if she's made up her mind and told you as a courtesy rather than to give you the opportunity to respond.

Polyamory requires the consent of everyone involved, in my opinion, though there's a debate going on about that in another section of this forum. Your girlfriend hasn't given you an opportunity to consent. She's essentially told you that she's going to do what she wants whether you agree or not, from the sound of your post.

On the other hand, you say she told you she has feelings for her friend. You don't say that she's tried to act on those feelings, or even that she's said she wants to act on them. Has she?

A few things for you to ponder:

What does "being comfortable" look like for you?

How will you know when you're comfortable enough to agree to her moving forward?

Can you give her concrete things to do or say that will help you?

Can you set a time frame during which you will work on becoming comfortable, and at the end of which you will agree to her proceeding regardless of how you're feeling?
 
She hasn't tried, she's being angrily respectful about that. Sometimes it sounds grudgingly. But she wants to act on those feelings.
One of the things we've had a problem with is that it was almost synonymous; her coming out to me, and her telling me she liked her friend. And it's moved quick. From just talking, to wanting to be together, to wanting sex and talking about it. All in the span of two and a half to three weeks.
Now, I understand. I've read about the new relationship energy that comes out. Im not mad about that. We had a talk the other day about me even trying it at some point. She wants me to have more experience. And I can respect that. But its the speed at which its going, and her seemingly made up mind.

Thank you for you're reply; I will ponder those things. I'm terribly sorry if anything in my post seemed ignorant, I'm still learning a lot.
 
I don't get it. You say you were ecstatic, but now you're not? My questions are pretty the same as KC's. I also wonder what specific problems you are having. What exactly are you uncomfortable about?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

To me it sounds like she is blaming shifting. She could have spoken up to the friend well before you were part of the picture. Her being all ants in the pants now is a result of her own waiting and waiting... not because YOU are now part of the picture.

But now you ARE part of the picture. She chose this also. To be in relationship with you.

I'm here trying to learn more and be more accepting for her, and I feel like she's browbeating me about it half the time, and being aggressive. Borderline doing what she wants with disregard for how I feel, and I feel like that's not okay.

You are correct to feel this way. It is NOT ok to browbeat you or rush you. If she's telling you she loves you but treating you like crap? Believe the behavior. Not the words.

If push comes to shove? You are going to have to tell her you nee more time to adjust -- X months. If she does not want to wait that long? She can part ways with you and go on without you because you do not like being browbeaten or harangued. It is not loving behavior on her part. And it is not loving behavior on your part to agree to stand there being someone else's punching bag. That is YOU not treating you with loving behavior.

Or she can learn to exercise some patience and give you the time you ask to adjust as a courtesy before approaching the friend.

I don't know how to come to her about this without her blaming monogamy and my insecurities.

Let her blame storm. Nothing to do with you. That is HER behavior -- HER blame shifting again -- changing the spotlight on to YOU so she doesn't have to address her OWN poor behavior.

You could ask her what part of the situation she is willing to be responsible for. Put the focus back on HER behavior. Don't let her play the spotlight game. If she doesn't want to own any of it and basically behaves like a loose canon? You have to decide if you like dating a loose canon or not.

I don't know how to approach the fact that she needs to help me through this instead of pushing me into it.

You WANT her to help. She doesn't NEED to. But she could, and you could request that help and see what she answers.

So say it plain.

"I would like you to help me acclimate instead of rushing me and pushing me if you are willing to give it more time. If you want the friend NOW, then you need to let me go rather than belittle me. Either way the belittling me has to stop. So... Which are you willing to do?"

It is hard sometimes to put up the stop sign when someone you love is behaving really awful towards you. That's an important skill to learn though -- because you have to love you first. Not in the selfish "me me me" kind of way. But in the "I am responsible for my own well being" way.

If you have taken up with a person who treats you poorly? You have to put some distance in there in order to be healthy. You can keep on loving them if you want, and part ways with regrets. But you cannot keep loving them up close where they are hurting you over and over.

That's why you have legs. So you can walk away.

I mean all that kindly. :eek:

It might not be what you want to hear. :(

Galagirl
 
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To elaborate more (sorry, I'm a little spacey today) she has blamed herself, but when that occurs its quick for her to jump to just leaving. I didn't mean for it to come out to her not having guilt, she does. But from the guilt can occasionally stem anger. And that is when she gets to her blaming.

I appreciate the honesty. Trust me, I've been through those thoughts already. I just want her to see what she's doing.

And to reply to vin; I'm no longer ecstatic due to situational stress and how things are progressing. It doesn't detract from my openness to the subject and everything else though.
And on the topic of unconfortability, it was the topic of sex with another man. Specifically limited to that. Now, I understand that that is specifically in the category of jealousy/monogamist structure/personal views on sex, but I never outright denied the possibility of me being open to her doing that. I told her that that's a topic for if/when that happens, and how far into this learning and opening up process we have progressed. I was openly telling her the other day that there will come a time when I'll feel fine with everything.
But aside from that, I don't have any other things I'm uncomfortable with, aside from how fast it is currently moving.
 
That can be a tough one to get over. I didn't really get over that jealousy until I started seeing someone myself. At that point I just let go of it. At least that's bow it feels. The reality is it was a long process.
 
she has blamed herself, but when that occurs its quick for her to jump to just leaving. I didn't mean for it to come out to her not having guilt, she does. But from the guilt can occasionally stem anger. And that is when she gets to her blaming.

So she takes two paths.

  • Blames herself and wants to run away from it all (leave the relationship) and not deal with it any more because it feels yucky.
  • Rushes you, knows it is wrong, feels guilty. Doesn't like feeling guilty and rather than change her behavior from (rushing you) to (apologize and exercise patience) she hangs it all on your head. It's all YOUR fault she feels yucky things.

Feelings are just feelings. Some are fun, some are yucky. They all pass.

In the end, her emotional management is still her responsibility. And if you find that she's emotionally tantrum-y and you don't like it? You don't have to put up with that. You can ask her to please exercise some self control. If she cannot? Be ok letting her go. It is not healthy for you to be bullied in your relationships.

Part of the success of polyamorous relationships, IMHO, lies in picking capable partners. If she's in the tantrum-y place, she might not be ready to deal in many relationships. How can she when she's not dealing well with 1 right now? :confused:

I just want her to see what she's doing.

IME, a person who avoids taking personal responsibility for their actions as a habit is not going to be EAGER to "see" this. You cannot make her "see" something she doesn't want to own.

If she's willing to try...

You could set a time to talk about it calmly. Maybe make a list of behaviors she does and behaviors you rather she do instead. She could have her list for you. Figure out what is reasonable and rational and what is just not. Set a time limit to talk -- 30 min. Whatever is not covered can be next covered next week. No rush.

And keep an eye out of either one of you emotionally flooding. Stop the conversation if that happens so you can cool heads and not derail into name calling or bullying or whatever.

But if she's just hell bent and hassling you and will not come to the table with an attitude of you guys solving problems together? She comes with a chip on her shoulder looking to blame? Or looking like "my way or the highway?"

Take the highway. That's healthier for you than allowing yourself to be run over or letting yourself ride some crazy making merry-go-round situation.

It stinks, but it stinks less than being harangued. Sometimes choices in life are not win or lose, but which one stinks less.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Ihavequestions,

It sounds like the main problem here is that your girlfriend is going a lot faster (with this poly stuff) than you would like. Have you asked her, "Please, would you be willing to slow down?" If you did ask her that, what was her response?

What will happen if she continues to go too fast? Will you break up with her? or bite the bullet?

I don't know of any special words you can say to convince her of your point of view. I think some of that is up to her.

I hope I can think of some other ways to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think it's reasonable for you to give her a time frame that you need to read, sort things out etc. Say like 6 months? You need to process this, if she just goes forward I worry that your relationship might suffer
 
She's progressing at whatever pace she deems comfortable I feel like. It's seriously been draining on me. Like I keep telling her how much I want this to work, but she refuses to have patience and the words "I'm miserable and you're holding me back" come into play a lot. We're on our SECOND break now, that I had no say in. And it's not fair. She's not listening, and I honestly am starting to feel like she keeps me around because I'm always there already. I'm back to square one and I don't know what to do.
And yes, I've given myself a 6 month period. Here's to hoping she's going to accept that. I'm still working through my uncomfortableness and how I feel about this situation. It's just hard when there's problems. Like, I'm honestly trying so hard to get this to work...
 
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I didn't even finish reading your post, and I can't imagine staying with such a person as your GF.

She told you she's poly and a week later that she has deep feelings for a long time friend--I've seen this pattern often enough to say I bet she's already having a relationship with this other person. She's easing you into it.

She accuses you of putting your comfort over her happiness. She is in fact putting her desires, and her desire to have what she wants right now, over YOUR happiness. This is a child's way of living. Adults realize that we make sacrifices and compromises, and a good relationship depends on each person working toward the happiness and well-being of the other. I see her saying me, me, me.

You call her aggressive and impatient. Again, not an adult you're dealing with.

Do you really want to spend your life with an aggressive, impatient person who puts her happiness first?
 
I'm trying to not look at things negatively, but you are right. It's hard. She wasn't always like that. Things used to be really different. She tries objectifying it by saying she's put everyone else before her for her whole life and she wants to be herself and do what she wants. She's used the term "third parent" too many times. I'm just at a stand still.

These breaks she's constantly taking are wearing on me. And it almost feels like she's doing it only for herself so she can justify her doing what she wants.
And I hate feeling that way, but that ties into my insecurities.
 
Sounds like a tug of war, between what she thinks is too slow, and what to you is too fast.
 
I'm trying to not look at things negatively, but you are right. It's hard. She wasn't always like that. Things used to be really different. She tries objectifying it by saying she's put everyone else before her for her whole life and she wants to be herself and do what she wants. She's used the term "third parent" too many times. I'm just at a stand still.

These breaks she's constantly taking are wearing on me. And it almost feels like she's doing it only for herself so she can justify her doing what she wants.
And I hate feeling that way, but that ties into my insecurities.

It really is. Am I in the wrong asking for time to acclimate? That's what it's starting to feel like with this whole situation

It is not wrong to ask for time to acclimate. It is not wrong to say no, altogether. You are not obligated to be involved in an open relationship.

Tough luck if she's spent her life putting others first. It's called being a grown up. It doesn't entitle her to hurt you.
 
Am I in the wrong asking for time to acclimate?

No. You are free to ask for what you need.

She is free to agree and give you time or not agree and not give you time.

Then you are free to decide if you want to be a partner who chronically does not meet your need for time or not.

Each person owns their behavior.

IMHO, she lacks self control. If she wants to keep all her partners she could build her polyships more carefully and less roughshod. Because partners that she steamrolls right over are not going to appreciate it.

These breaks she's constantly taking are wearing on me. And it almost feels like she's doing it only for herself so she can justify her doing what she wants.
And I hate feeling that way, but that ties into my insecurities.

I don't think you feel that way. I think you observe and experience what is happening and this is what you think.

And I think you call it pretty much right. It does sound like she takes the breaks for herself so she can justify doing what she wants without concern for how it affects others. It is not you that is insecure. It is the relationship that is insecure and she does nothing much to help it stabilize with her up and down behavior.

Galagirl
 
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@ Gala,
Thank you for being so honest and real. I really appreciate it. I actually showed her this post the other day and all she had to say was "It made me feel awful" I didn't really have much to say to that, but I'm hoping she learns from seeing everything.
 
We're on our SECOND break now, that I had no say in. And it's not fair. She's not listening, and I honestly am starting to feel like she keeps me around because I'm always there already. I'm back to square one and I don't know what to do.

Could let it be a break up.

Could stop "always being there already."

Could try that and see if getting off her merry-go-round roller coaster brings you some relief. Put more space, time, and distance between you.

I can guess that you want her "to finally see the light" and change her ways because then you could be together in a healthier, more stable dynamic. But you are not in charge of her seeing. That is her job to do. If she doesn't care to do it? She is free to choose that. She can choose to rush in blindly like a loose canon.

Then you could make a new choice. You could choose to get out of the line of fire so you don't get dinged again by her behavior. You could choose to SKIP going for another spin around the merry-go-round roller coaster. Sitting around for more of same is not a long term answer.

Since you guys are on a break and you don't like not having a voice? You could accept the break, call it a break up, and if she comes knocking at your door wanting you back? You could use your voice and decline the invitation because you rather date a more stable person who does not browbeat you and harangue you or play these mind games. It is bad for your mental and emotional health.

I am so sorry you deal in this. It is not fun. The only answer I see is to firm it up on your end and not let your soft feelings for her buy you another merry-go-round ticket. Stop taking the ride.

Galagirl
 
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I feel like I have kind of been in the shoes of the girl, who is taking things too quickly, as has perhaps been everyone who has fallen in love madly outside of a long-term monogamous relationship. I will tell some of my experience and you can make the comparison of similarities and differences for yourself, okey? You can figure out questions for your girlfriend.

So, I had been monogamous, in a 3 years long relationship, when a friend I made in the past year came out to me as polyamorous and asked if I would be up for some kink. It was the first time I met someone polyamorous. I said no, I'd love to but this is impossible in my relationship, but the moment he took my hand I fell in love (only I realized much later). Well then, I tried to communicate to my boyfriend that I would really want to try some things outside of the partnership, and that there was someone, and that I read something about polyamory, and with all the monogamous mindset of mine (and his) I was totally unable to stick with what was important and I made a huge mess. He went like "hey I want to try, because I want to see you happy" but at the same time he got extremely angry and jealous of the other person. We had so many discussions about everything. He also said he needed time and at the moment he could see me beeing friends with my new romance but wasn't able to handle any physical intimacy. Eventually we broke up, it took about half a year during which I tried to respect the boundaries he set, but repeatedly stepped over them, even if every time "just a little", because I craved physical touch so much. To be honest, I wished we hadn't tried for so very long, it was the worst time of both of our lives and the breakup was a relief, although I do still love him (over a year has passed).

What I wanted to take point out of the story were my feelings. When learning about polyamory, I went like "hell yeah that make sense, I never understood why the hack should I be monogamous, did I?" (Today I wonder about this, because do feel the need to have one closest partner... we judge so badly sometimes when meeting something new...) And more importantly, I really felt like I didn't have time. I was in love and I was in love now. I felt this insane craving to be with the new person, and waiting to see him or to get an email was driving me nuts. There was this craving for touch. There was an insane craving to try out kink with someone who was "really" into it, and to try it now, while I was in the middle of those crazy romantic feelings and would enjoy it the most. There was this hope that I can get to do so many interresting things with the new person... (btw I thought that were pink glasses at that time but nearly all of them went true). I felt like I wasn't able to refrain from following all the possibilities of the new relationship.

And than there was me seeing my boyfriend agonising and asking for time, which I tried to give in terms of waiting with physical affection, but that could never be enough, because I couldn't pretend I wasn't in love and it was impossible to undo. There was me seeing how I loved both and the fact that one of my loves hated the other totally tearing me appart. There was this immense feeling of guilt that I am the one who is unfaithfull, the one who wants something "unreasonable", the one who is hurting my boyfriend. I really did feel terrible for not being able to follow the monogamous ideal and

Half a year waiting seemed impossible. A month or two? Ok, but I really craved the other person and I also really wanted to use the potential of NRE, for you don't get that often in life (well, I don't). I wanted to see my boyfriend at least make significant progress, bud actually in the first month he made none (okey, no wonder given how emotionally charged our discussions were), and I figured it would take years (which I deffinitelly didn't have).

Was I being immature and inconsiderate, unable to see the bigger picture and unable to really understand the extent of my bf's feelings? Definitelly. Did I just try to get "permission" to have a romance? Yes. Was I being selfish? ... I don't know. I needed that new relationship, I knew and I am still convinced that it was a neglected part of my soul crying out.

I miss my boyfriend and I miss the plans we had for the future. But really, I think the only way I could stay in that relationship was if I was allowed my affair. To let my love burn while it was at it's hottest, to have my kinky scene, to give myself without limits to the new person and then come home and reallize how happy I was that I had a home with a supporting partner.

I do not have a solution.
 
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