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  #131  
Old 07-03-2018, 06:40 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 364
Default Sex, love, and power

Yesterday I met with my therapist. It was a really useful experience, but not necessarily easy to discuss.

We talked about the weirdness of my feelings around my situation with Laptop. She wasn't sold on the idea of demisexuality, but said that she could see evidence of the idea that my anxiety is due to my feelings that a lack of adoration (from Laptop) translates into a lack of power (for me). We explored that idea a little further -- she got out the whiteboard markers and helped me visualize some of the trends we've been exploring over the last few months. She was direct with me about the fact that Laptop doesn't seem all that into me, and that because he is confusing to me (given my prior experiences), I fixate on his behavior rather than accepting his feelings (or lack thereof) for what they are.

She also made the comparison to crushes that we feel in middle school/high school....these are feelings in which we fixate on another person, looking for signs that they like us. There is an element of us liking them, of course, but the main fixation is about looking for signals that they like us. In some ways, we want a relationship, but in others we just want to be liked. She said that what I've been describing with Laptop sounds like a persistent crush -- I'm not really all that into him, but I've been convincing myself that I am because I want him to like me. At its root, it's about the battle between confidence/insecurity for me.

This kind of blew my mind.

So I asked what I should do about this. Should I call things off with Laptop? Should I tell him what's going on in my brain? How honest should I be? There's no good way to say, "You make me really nervous and I was feeling like I needed more emotional investment from you but actually I've realized that this is all about my own ego and that's kind of why I sometimes I feel sick to my stomach when I'm with you."

We discussed it some more and she said I didn't necessarily need to end things, but that maybe I needed to manage my anxiety in a different way. Instead of deriving power from someone adoring me, could I get the same sense of power in another way? Perhaps by establishing a more explicit dominant role with him?

I told her that he had expressed some interest in exploring the kinkier aspects of his personality, but that he is hesitant thus far. Back when we were kinda-dating last January, he brought up the idea of exploring kinky stuff with me being dominant because he "likes to please" his partner. At the time, I raised the concern that being dominant with him might make me more obsessive and possessive....an issue I already have in my relationship with Ponytail. He said that he didn't consider a kinky dynamic to be a requirement, but that he had thought perhaps that was the only way I would be interested and that's why he had suggested it.

Back in January, he did give me a phenomenal spanking. And I had a lot of fun with that. He was nervous at first because he had thought I had meant I didn't want any kind of kinky dynamic with him and I said it was really more about the headspace -- power exchange vs. kink/BDSM. D/s vs. Top/bottom. He doesn't totally understand the lingo, but I think he got the idea.

Anyway, then when I was talking to my therapist I also realized that in the time since this most recent hookup, I was least anxious when I was asking him if he could give me another spanking sometime. And also when I told him directly what I wanted from him as far as time/emotional connection. So maybe what I need, in order to be less anxious and just enjoy him for who he is and what our dynamic is, is not to be "in charge" and not to have him be "in love" with me, but rather that I just need to set some defined parameters around all of it.

Maybe I need to explicitly negotiate a light, fun, kinky, play partner relationship. No head games. No "submission" or "dominance" -- just fun. Yeah, we might have the toppier role, but weirdly enough, it would give me more control than I feel like I have right now. Instead of wondering, "What is he thinking when he looks at me like that? Is he doing this to me because he finds me sexy or because he thinks this is what will get him what he wants?" I would be able to let go in the assumption that his motivation is to have fun and explore kink....and so is mine.

Anyway, it was an illuminating therapy session.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Glitzy: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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  #132  
Old 07-08-2018, 04:06 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 364
Default The Art of Negotiation

So I got together with Laptop last night. His wife was spending the night with her boyfriend, so we had the place to ourselves for the evening. I had come down with a nasty cold and my coughing and nose-blowing wasnít super sexy, so i figured maybe this would be a good time to have a chat about what Iíve been processing.

Telling him all of what has been going on in my head wasnít as relieving as I had hoped. It was more awkward for me to say out loud and he was more surprised and confused than I had expected. Nevertheless, he didnít react poorly, he just needed some time to process and was a little confused about what he was supposed to say or do.

The end result was that he explained what he wanted from the situation (an opportunity to explore/learn more kinky play and the opportunity for physical intimacy with me without the time commitments and emotional investments of a relationship, which he knows he doesnít have the ability to give right now). And, once again, I was able to confirm that we really do seem to be on the same page.So I suggested that if we were both interested in the exploring casual kink aspect, one way to put some parameters on that would be to discuss what it is exactly that interests him. So I found a BDSM checklist and we went through it, discussing various kinks and his level of interest in trying them out. I limited the discussion to just things that I would be interested in, knowing that if something was too weird or extreme for me, it would probably be too weird or extreme for him too. It was kinda fun and I didnít feel anxious at all while I was doing it, nor did I feel anxious afterwards when we played around together (avoiding close face-to-face proximity because of my cold), nor did I feel anxious on the way home, or this morning.

Iím feeling good. Powerful. Calm.

Yay!
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 8 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Laptop: my (not-so-platonic?) poly friend --> 31, M, Straight

Metamours and Others
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM)
MsPolitical: Glasses' ex and potential new romantic interest --> 35ish, F
LadyLaptop: Laptop's wife --> 30ish, F
Giraffe: Laptop's FWB --> 30ish, F
Glitzy: Ponytail's interest --> 35, F
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