Sharing the Holidays

Time management - especially with the holidays

How do you deal with it?

My parents want me to come over Xmas eve, my bf wants me to spend all of Xmas day with his family, and my Gf expects me home on Xmas as well. She is feeling especially needy because she doesn't really have a family to spend time with for holidays. It's always been a tradition for me to be with my bf on Xmas because it is the anniversary of our first date. Also his extended family always invites us all over for lunch that day.

The other issue is I am self employed - I don't get paid on salary. Xmas eve & day are two of the biggest days for business in my line of work. I wanted to fit in at least 2-4 hours of working time.

I have no idea how to manage scheduling all this! Not to mention my partners sure don't make it easy on me to do things without attaching strong emotions or guilt trips to every decision I try to reasonably make...

I can tell (whether they'd admit it or not) they'll see how I make my plans as "choosing" one over the other. If I am not snuggling up with them and falling asleep together on Xmas night it will be seen as a personal insult. Sigh.

It's so hard for me when they put me in this position and are so stubborn about it. To me, holidays aren't about the exact date but just a good excuse to make extra special time for loved ones, whether it be the exact day on the calendar or that same weekend.

I just feel like no matter what I do someone's going to get hurt and take it out on me either with over dramaticizing and saying things they don't mean about my feelings for them, or taking it out passive aggressively, or holding an internal grudge and unleashing it weeks later. :/
 
Ok, first question. How would you prefer to spend your holiday?

I wont be back to see your answer for awhile but I think that is the thing you need to work out in your head. Ignore all the guilt tripping (though thats something you probably need to be working on with them) and pretend they'd both be fine with whatever decisions you'd make, write out your ideal scenario. gf going with you to bf's family something you want but not doable? write out your ideal scenario that is possible in reality then ;)

Think about that for the rest of the day and see how you feel about what you've come up with.
 
You could choose YOU and meet your own needs ... Be it work or rest or holidaying. While midnight mass only happens at midnight on dec 24? It is not the only year there will be a midnight mass! Same for Xmas dinner or a Xmas concert or whatever. We do not run out of xmases and Xmas things to do or be at.

So there is no need to try to do them all THIS Xmas.

I just laid out our times and plotted rest days in between events. This helps keep us sane. And this means saying NO to some invitations to things because guess what? I value my health and well being.

Saying NO sometimes to partners helps build trust. They can believe you when you say YES that you really mean it, you really want to be there. You are not just saying yes because you don't want to say no and you do stuff you really do not want to be doing. That is not being a solid partner person.

Be a person of your word and don't devalue that currency by watering it down.

They will be disappointed in the moment perhaps, but they could learn to cope. If they cope poorly by whooshing guilt trips at you, that is opportunity for you to hold a mirror up to their behavior. They can look and choose to grow and behave different.

Then you are getting more solid partners too.

nobody will grow in their skills if nobody wants to risk feeling yucky. Growth happens out there on the edge of the comfort zone.

Galagirl
 
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Your OSOs know that they're in a poly relationship, right?

Ok, first question. How would you prefer to spend your holiday?

I wont be back to see your answer for awhile but I think that is the thing you need to work out in your head. Ignore all the guilt tripping (though thats something you probably need to be working on with them) and pretend they'd both be fine with whatever decisions you'd make, write out your ideal scenario. gf going with you to bf's family something you want but not doable? write out your ideal scenario that is possible in reality then ;)

Think about that for the rest of the day and see how you feel about what you've come up with.

I heartily second this. I had a similar question, and someone said that to me (thank you whoever you were) and it brought me a great deal of peace to find that answer.

I just laid out our times and plotted rest days in between events. This helps keep us sane. And this means saying NO to some invitations to things because guess what? I value my health and well being.

Saying NO sometimes to partners helps build trust. They can believe you when you say YES that you really mean it, you really want to be there. You are not just saying yes because you don't want to say no and you do stuff you really do not want to be doing. That is not being a solid partner person.

Be a person of your word and don't devalue that currency by watering it down.

^ This!

Ours is turning out to be a compromise for all of us, and I'm so hoping it turns out well. CBF invited FBF to traditional xmas eve at CBF's mom's house. CBF is stretching to have all of us together, and me go home with FBF. FBF is stretching because he's such an introvert. I'm stretching with faith that my head won't explode when I have them both in the same room together. CBF's mom is stretching because this is a very different xmas than she's accustomed to (and I'm trying to convince them all to go home on xmas eve, so for her, waking up with only the dogs on Xmas day will be new). I think it would be weird for FBF, mom, and me to be having breakfast xmas day (CBF has to work).

It's quite a challenge for me; and when I read your story, mine seems like so much less of challenge.

I wish you the best in taking care of yourself. Remember, you get to be your own primary first.
 
Is this your first set of holidays in this polyship? I hear what your parents want, your girlfriend wants, your boyfriend and his extended family want. What do you want to do? Be firm in whatever it is and convey that. Just curious, but you do your families know about your polyship?

It's sweet that Christmas is the anniversary of your first date. However, he cannot have your entire day. Compromise is mandatory. Out of respect for you, your plans for the day, and your other relationship, that may have to change. You have a new person to think of, so it's no longer just the two of you doing your own tradition. If you don't spend any time with her, you're going to end up thinking about her while you're with him. Perhaps you can create a new tradition with both of them. Maybe you can alternate the holidays like some families do. Spend Christmas Eve with your parents and girlfriend. Spend a portion of X-mas working and have lunch with your boyfriend and his family. Spend the evening with both of them if they get along. Be creative. It's a balancing act.
 
It's been said, but it was my first reaction, so I'll say it again:

Choose YOU. What do YOU want to do? Where do YOU want to be? Who do YOU want to be with the most, and when?

You need to address the guilt trips directly: "Please don't try to make me feel guilty for choosing how I spend my own time. When you give me guilt trips, I feel like you don't respect my needs."

If you have Christmas traditions, explain them to the other people. "This is a Christmas tradition. We've done this every year that we've been together. Tradition is important to me. Perhaps you and I can start a tradition on a different day near Christmas?"

Explain to your boyfriend that you can't spend all day at his family's, but that you'd love to join them for lunch. Have him explain to his family that Christmas is the day when you make most of your money, and that yes it sucks, but money has to be made. They'll get over it.

What do we do? Something different every year. Last year, my husband spent Christmas with his daughter in Mexico. I went back to my home town to spend Christmas with my parents. Even that was sub-divided. My parents split up 17 years ago, so "where do I spend Christmas?" is not a new question for me. This year, my husband and I didn't want to travel, so we're staying home and my mom is coming to stay with us. My girlfriend has an annual solstice party on the 21st, and my husband and mom will be coming with me to that.

Christmas isn't about December 25th. Christmas is most of December. There's lots of time to spend with people. If they can't suck it up and deal with it like grown-ups, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate those relationships. Do they value you? Do they value your time? Do they respect your needs? If not, start making changes. If they won't change, then think about whether it's worth being in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you...
 
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This kind of stuff happens even outside poly romantic entanglements. :( My BF and I haven't been together long enough to warrant spending holidays together, but DH and I deal with a similar rigmarole every Thanksgiving and Christmas - with two sets of divorced parents. That movie Four Christmases? Yeah, I can totally relate! The advice to do what YOU want is nice, but (IMO) its not realistic. Someone is always disappointed and/or offended. Ultimately, that is their problem, but we have to deal with the fallout, and want to avoid it if we can with some careful schedule finessing and loads of coffee :)

Could you:
- Go see your parents on Xmas Eve
- Spend 2-4 hours first thing Xmas morning working
- Skip the extended family lunch and chill most of the day with GF while BF is with his family
- Have a late-ish dinner date and snuggles with BF in honor of your anniversary

You'll be totally exhausted, but everyone would know you value them by making sure you made time. I swear I'm tempted every year to say eff-it! and book a Xmas cruise.
 
The advice to do what YOU want is nice, but (IMO) its not realistic. Someone is always disappointed and/or offended. Ultimately, that is their problem, but we have to deal with the fallout, and want to avoid it if we can with some careful schedule finessing and loads of coffee

That's why I don't get involved with people like that. The people I choose to spend my life with accept that I'm selfish with my time and that I only do things on my terms. As was mentioned earlier, this means that when they do get to spend time with me, they know without a doubt that it's because I truly want to be there, and not because I feel obligated.

I think that all comes down to self-esteem. I don't worry that people will get upset if I choose me first. I'm not saying that people won't get upset if I choose me first... just that I don't worry about it :)

And yeah... SOMEONE is always disappointed and/or offended. Always. You can't please everyone. Ever. And if you always try to please everyone else, you guarantee exactly one thing: that you yourself won't be pleased. So why try?
 
As usual, I have a different take on things. The problem, in my view, is not being poly, or not being good at time management. It is the unfortunate tendency to base everything on momentary feelings, on the lack of willingness to make one's priorities clear, and on catering to every whim of other people as something worth catering to. So, in my opinion:

How do you deal with it?

My parents want me to come over Xmas eve, my bf wants me to spend all of Xmas day with his family, and my Gf expects me home on Xmas as well. She is feeling especially needy because she doesn't really have a family to spend time with for holidays. It's always been a tradition for me to be with my bf on Xmas because it is the anniversary of our first date. Also his extended family always invites us all over for lunch that day.

I don't know the whole story here, but it sounds like your relationship with your bf and his family is the closest to a long-term, family relationship you have. If you are at all like me, this is your priority relationship. Therefore you spend Xmas with your bf and you go to lunch with his parents. There is nothing wrong with tradition, if it's a worthwhile tradition.

Your gf presumably knew that you had a bf when she took up with you. In an analogous situation, I would certainly make it clear to a potential gf that I had a family, and that certain family traditions are sacred to me, and I would never abandon them for anyone outside the family. These would be part of my "boundaries", and if the potential gf didn't want to go along with them, she would be well advised not to take up with me.

I call your gf's attitude as the "waif" syndrom, and I am quite aware of this even before entering a relationship with a "waif". I actually came close a few months ago, and I backed out. Desire is one thing, decency is another.

A waif in this context is someone with no or little warmth and affection in his/her life who gets involved with someone who does have warmth and affection in his/her life, and then gets hurt because (s)he cannot get to the level of closeness (s)he desires. I may feel sorry for a waif, but not so sorry that I will abandon or weaken my existing relationships. Doesn't she have parents she can spend Christmas/New Year with? No? Another poly friend then? Presumably she is poly, after all.

For me, Christmas/New Year were always special times. I spent them with my parents (fortunately still alive then) before I was married, and with my wife (and kids when they came along) ever since. Every single Christmas time in my life. I am not going to throw this over, ever. When I was single, I wondered at times what I would do if I had no-one special at Christmas time - say my parents were dead, and I had no live-in girlfriend. Well, this is what I'd do: go on a nice solo holiday, as far as my finances would allow. Preferably to a tropical, non-Christian country, where Christmas day is just another day. Say, Thailand or Sri Lanka, when not in the middle of a civil war.

The other issue is I am self employed - I don't get paid on salary. Xmas eve & day are two of the biggest days for business in my line of work. I wanted to fit in at least 2-4 hours of working time.

Your bf will understand, and make allowances for this. We all have to make a living. I would never have stayed with anyone, for any length of time, who would have thought of my work time as something she had to compete with.

I just feel like no matter what I do someone's going to get hurt and take it out on me either with over dramaticizing and saying things they don't mean about my feelings for them, or taking it out passive aggressively, or holding an internal grudge and unleashing it weeks later. :/

We all encounter people who use emotional blackmail to manipulate us. My mother, whom I loved dearly, was a bit like that. When I was unattached, I was ready to compromise - she was my mother, after all. Once I had firm attachments, my readiness to compromise with her diminished. No parent should expect their child to sacrifice his/her long-term happiness on the altar of filial obligation. I have children of my own, and I fully expect them to start spending Christmas/New Year with someone else, should they find someone worth their while. But then they seem to like me, and would probably make an effort to spend the holidays with us, at least some of the time.
 
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That's why I don't get involved with people like that. The people I choose to spend my life with accept that I'm selfish with my time and that I only do things on my terms. As was mentioned earlier, this means that when they do get to spend time with me, they know without a doubt that it's because I truly want to be there, and not because I feel obligated.

I think that all comes down to self-esteem. I don't worry that people will get upset if I choose me first. I'm not saying that people won't get upset if I choose me first... just that I don't worry about it :)

You can't choose your parents or grandparents. And even if I could, I prefer more give and take in relationships. When I love someone, I want them to be happy - and all the better if I can be the cause of that happiness. Yes, occasionally that means setting aside what I might want in this very instance. That's not the worst thing in the world. I know they would do the same for me.

And I disagree that it comes down to self-esteem. I can see where it might in some cases (someone co-dependent *needing* to be liked), but sometimes love means not being selfish every minute of the day. *Needing* to have everything on your own terms all the time can be caused by low self-esteem as well.

I'd rather put it in my own words, but Abed said it best:

"Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. Because, when you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal."


And yeah... SOMEONE is always disappointed and/or offended. Always. You can't please everyone. Ever. And if you always try to please everyone else, you guarantee exactly one thing: that you yourself won't be pleased. So why try?

Because trying gets better results than not, and at the very least expresses that you care. We'll never fully eliminate crime, does that mean there is no value in trying?
 
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You can't choose your parents or grandparents. And even if I could, I prefer more give and take in relationships.

You can't choose your family. But if your family is toxic, you can choose to distance yourself from them. I fully endorse this. If your parents are selfish and uncaring, then you can and should break that relationship. You grow up and form your own family.

When I love someone, I want them to be happy - and all the better if I can be the cause of that happiness.

Oh, me too. I want my loved ones to be happy. But I'm under no delusions that I'm doing that selflessly. If it didn't bring you joy to see them happy, can you sincerely say your choices would be the same?

Yes, occasionally that means setting aside what I might want in this very instance. That's not the worst thing in the world. I know they would do the same for me.

And I disagree that it comes down to self-esteem. I can see where it might in some cases (someone co-dependent *needing* to be liked), but sometimes love means not being selfish every minute of the day. *Needing* to have everything on your own terms all the time can be caused by low self-esteem as well.

Good point; I was referring more to people who feel they need to make everyone happy at the cost of their own happiness. In your case (and mine), the happiness of your loved ones brings you happiness. But I maintain that there's still an element of selfishness to that. If you didn't care about them, you wouldn't care if they were happy, and it wouldn't be worth your trouble to cater to their whims just because they want it.

Because trying gets better results than not, and at the very least expresses that you care. We'll never fully eliminate crime, does that mean there is no value in trying?

In my experience, trying to please everyone does not get better results. It gets an exhausted me, and a whole bunch of people who are unsatisfied that I didn't try hard enough. So rather, in each situation, I pick who I'm going to satisfy. Then I satisfy them to the best of my ability. I satiate the others by telling them that there will be another situation where it will be them who I satisfy. Sure, if possible, I'll satisfy as many people as possible. But sometimes that's just impossible. You can't be in three places at once. So pick one place, and be fully present there.

Myself, I would rather have someone's full and undivided attention one third of the time, than 1/3 of their attention all the time.
 
Another poly friend then? Presumably she is poly, after all.
Pretty big presumption, there. And even if she IS poly, how on earth is that relevant to who is available to spend time with one on a holiday? Whether poly or mono, other lovers or just friends might have their time already scheduled. Assuming that the gf could find someone to spend the holiday with (with the implication of "if she really wanted to") is a false assumption and does not help the OP. It doesn't take away from the fact that the gf wants to spend time WITH THE OP, or help the OP figure out how to schedule their time.

I agree with everyone else that said that you need to figure out what you want and go from there. There may still need to be compromises (though hopefully everyone who cares about you is respectful of your need to get work done) but at least you wouldn't be coming at it from a perspective of, "How do I make everyone happy?". Rather, you'd have the attitude of, "How can we all work together to make each other the happiest?" Because it should be a two-way street- they should be working towards your happiness as much as you work towards theirs.
 
Pretty big presumption, there. And even if she IS poly, how on earth is that relevant to who is available to spend time with one on a holiday? Whether poly or mono, other lovers or just friends might have their time already scheduled. Assuming that the gf could find someone to spend the holiday with (with the implication of "if she really wanted to") is a false assumption and does not help the OP. It doesn't take away from the fact that the gf wants to spend time WITH THE OP

If she is not poly, and does not want to "suffer" from time-sharing issues, why did she enter a relationship with someone already attached? Oh, I get it, it was love and she couldn't help it. You know, it's not as if such things haven't happened to me. I was once desperately in love with someone who had a solid boyfriend. She even reciprocated to a certain extent - who could resist my fervour, after all! :) But it was clear who had priority, so after a while I said to myself, enough of this craziness, and I forced myself to fall out of love. Just because she was prepared to spend some mutually enjoyable time with me didn't oblige her to spend Christmas day (or its equivalent) with me. My needs did not impose obligations on her.

And if she is poly, occasional loneliness is part of the price. Even on Christmas Day.

--------------

By and large, I detect a lack of equity in this kind of discussion. Certainty of togetherness at some key times (holidays, birthdays, common vacations, events involving children) is part of the benefit of lasting relationships (AKA marriage, even if not certified by a piece of paper). Such lasting relationships have corresponding obligations as well, fair is fair.

If someone does not want such relationships because of the fear of obligations, I don't see why they should have the benefits either.

And if someone enters an informal poly relationship hoping that it will evolve into something else, it is a bit like playing roulette. I did it too in my time, and lost. Too bad, but not the fault of the other person.
 
If she is not poly, and does not want to "suffer" from time-sharing issues, why did she enter a relationship with someone already attached? Oh, I get it, it was love and she couldn't help it.
First of all, some people choose to participate in a poly relationship but, while poly-accepting, even poly-friendly, are monoamorous themselves. The point is you don't know and are making baseless assumptions. Second, do not put words in my mouth. Perhaps that's acceptable to some people you communicate with, but not to me.

By and large, I detect a lack of equity in this kind of discussion. Certainty of togetherness at some key times (holidays, birthdays, common vacations, events involving children) is part of the benefit of lasting relationships (AKA marriage, even if not certified by a piece of paper). Such lasting relationships have corresponding obligations as well, fair is fair.
By and large, you have shown yourself over multiple threads to have a problem with the ideas of non-hierarchical poly and solo poly. Not everyone enters into a relationship thinking that a longer relationship has precedence just because it is longer. A lasting relationship may or may not involve living together. It may or may not involve shared finances. You do not know the degree to which the individuals have chosen to entangle their lives; only that one relationship is newer than the other. You are, again, making assumptions. Just because YOU cannot imagine such a scenario for yourself does not mean such scenarios don't exist, and work well. YOU are the one bringing in the lack of equity into this discussion, because to you it seems impossible that the two relationships could be treated equally by the OP. I don't know if they are or not, but I at least recognize the possibility.

The concerning part of the OP's post is the guilt trips. If her partners can't have mature relationships where they can work out what works best for everyone without passive-aggressive behavior, guilt trips, and emotional blackmail, then the OP has way bigger problems than how to schedule Christmas Eve and Day.
 
^Agree with everything, and particularly the last sentence.

hellokitty, I feel bad that your partners are acting so selfish. It's cool that they really really want to spend time with you, but you need to let them know how the pressure affects you. Ideally, your partners would be interested in your happiness as well as their own. They are acting from a mentality of entitlement and competition, which is so destructive for a happy poly relationship.

I would like to ask you, does this kind of competitive view prevail in other situations, too, or is it just the holidays that is bringing it out of them?

I had been with Alec for 7 years when I started a relationship with Mya. Over the last 1,5 years, I've become very familiar with hinge guilt. That guilt will tell you that anything bad either of your partner feels - loneliness, jealousy, insecurity - is your fault, because you have multiple partners/are getting more out of it/should know how to balance their needs/etc. It's an understandable feeling, because the whole culture and society is telling us that, firstly, we are incredibly selfish for being with several people and, secondly, that partnerships are about making each other happy (usually to a pretty worrisome, unhealthy degree of self-sacrifice).

But the guilt is just a feeling. It's not true, if you understand what I mean. Even if you feel like you're the one "making them feel lonely/abandoned/whatever", it is not true. Even if you feel like it's your fault, that is not true. When all of you decided to form a poly relationship, all of you agreed on that, all of you consented. Whatever consequences that decision has, are the responsibility of all of you, not just yours alone even if it is you who is the one with multiple partners. It was not your decision alone, it was a mutual decision, and if they feel bad about something, they need to recognise that they chose to be here. I.e. they consented. Also, as important is the fact that both of them are consenting every day. Because when you enter poly, you can't foresee what will happen and how you will feel. In the end, everybody is responsible for their own happiness, and that means they are free to leave the relationship if they are not happy.

So, if your partners feel bad, you are not making them feel bad. You need to know that, and they need to know that.

It's enough to fight the internalised crap without your partners guilt-tripping you: they need to stop that immediately. You should ask, making it clear how important it is. If they do not stop, you may want to reconsider the relationships.

Think about what you want. Don't balance what your partners want (because it is not a competition and your time is yours to give), balance all the things you want. My suggestions:

- the guilt-tripping to stop
- time for work (with people acting like adults, i.e. understanding you need to work)
- time for yourself, to relax and unwind, doing things you want to do
- some time with one or both of your partners, spent enjoyably (again, not going over why they are not getting more)

It is not your responsibility to make them both happy. It is not your responsibility to make your bf happy and do everything he wants or everything you've usually done simply because you've been with him longer. It is not your responsibility to spend all your time with your gf just because she has nobody else to spend the holidays with.

Also, if they view poly from the place of entitlement and competition, as they are doing now, there really can only be bad feelings: they will not appreciate the time you choose to spend with them, only thinking about how you should be with them more. It will not be enjoyable for either of you. And even if one of them "wins", i.e. you choose to do what s/he wanted, s/he also looses, because you will resent the fact that you are under pressure and cannot freely choose how to spend your time.

I guess my basic advice is the same as many have given you: figure out what you want to do, and do that. My broader advice is to start learning to manage feelings of guilt. That will help you anyway, but it is particularly important if you have loved ones who will guilt-trip you. Good luck!
 
Op I feel your pain.. My husband has one hard line rule in our relationship my boyfriend does not spend time at our house other than brief moments.

My husband has to work Christmas eve, and so do I. He works 3-11pm Christmas Eve I am working 10a-1p. The kids and I are going to my boyfriends house for Christmas Eve where I will make a big meal and etc.

Christmas day is the stickler. My boyfriend gave several options none which work for my husband. My boyfriend wants me to spend Christmas eve night with him over night. My husband wants the kids home so he can see them open their gifts. Christmas day is being spent with my boyfriends family. (My closest family is 10 hours away in Cincinnati. My husband's family is in Chicago) So it looks like I will be driving all over God's green earth Christmas day. My boyfriend and I live 25 miles apart.
 
First of all, some people choose to participate in a poly relationship but, while poly-accepting, even poly-friendly, are monoamorous themselves. The point is you don't know and are making baseless assumptions. Second, do not put words in my mouth. Perhaps that's acceptable to some people you communicate with, but not to me.

By and large, you have shown yourself over multiple threads to have a problem with the ideas of non-hierarchical poly and solo poly. Not everyone enters into a relationship thinking that a longer relationship has precedence just because it is longer. A lasting relationship may or may not involve living together. It may or may not involve shared finances. You do not know the degree to which the individuals have chosen to entangle their lives; only that one relationship is newer than the other. You are, again, making assumptions. Just because YOU cannot imagine such a scenario for yourself does not mean such scenarios don't exist, and work well. YOU are the one bringing in the lack of equity into this discussion, because to you it seems impossible that the two relationships could be treated equally by the OP. I don't know if they are or not, but I at least recognize the possibility.

The concerning part of the OP's post is the guilt trips. If her partners can't have mature relationships where they can work out what works best for everyone without passive-aggressive behavior, guilt trips, and emotional blackmail, then the OP has way bigger problems than how to schedule Christmas Eve and Day.

OK, OK, let's lower the tone. I am sorry if I offended anyone, and I agree that I made assumptions I shouldn't have.

It is clear that non-hierarchical polyamory is not for me. It simply couldn't work unless I downgraded my present relationships (not only with my wife but also with my children), and I am not willing to do that.

Now, if I started today with a blank slate, who knows? But, on the whole, it would be unlikely, given my temperament.

I do, however, have one question aimed at anyone in such relationships: how do you find the time? Or rather, since you obviously do, do you also find time for other things in life, things that (for me) are essential for the good life? Hobbies, music, maintaining a web site, engaging in sports, getting together with non-relationship friends, or just sitting around reading a book? All this in addition to necessities like work, shopping, raising children (if you have them) and simply maintaining a home in running order. I don't have a poly partner, and am retired - even so, I don't have the time for everything I would like to do.
 
The thing is, if OP should ask for what she wants, stressing how important it is to her, and expect to receive what she wants...doesn't the same apply to the various partners?

Are they on another forum somewhere being told to ask for what they want, stress how important it is to them, refuse to let anyone make them feel guilty, and possibly end the relationship if it continues to be a problem for them? :confused:
 
The thing is, if OP should ask for what she wants, stressing how important it is to her, and expect to receive what she wants...doesn't the same apply to the various partners?

Are they on another forum somewhere being told to ask for what they want, stress how important it is to them, refuse to let anyone make them feel guilty, and possibly end the relationship if it continues to be a problem for them? :confused:

In my view, this is essentially correct except for one big thing. When you ask for what you want, it's not a given to get it. You get to ask for anything, but your lovers have a choice in whether they are able/willing to do that. That is where active consent comes in: you don't always get what you want in a relationship, but you do have the choice on whether that is something you want to live with or not.

For me, holiday celebrations with my love is a nice thing, but not a huge deal. I get that to some people that is. Then again, something that is a huge deal for me is having my time and autonomy respected by my partners. That is why pressuring/guilt tripping would be something that would make me seriously evaluate my relationship. Also, for me it is more important that my loves do what they really want to do than for them to be with me. That is also what I expect in return, support for my happiness and satisfaction. But, in the end, everybody gets to decide that for themselves, what is important and what is not. All we can offer is some advice, views and experiences; a sounding board in trying to figure out what is the outcome wanted.
 
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