Sort of new to the boards~

Amitrye

New member
I'm Ami. I'm kind of shy and a very private person, so if I'm long-winded at any time I apologize for that. I have a tendency to dance around the point frequently.
I know a lot of people who post on this forum are poly. I think that's cool. I had one long-term relationship with someone who was poly and have been reading this forum ever since... I just recently decided to register.
I am 100% mono. I noticed a few other monos on here, and I notice that people are not discriminatory concerning that.
While I was dating the poly guy a few years back, I tried to define what I was. I guess people would consider me pansexual. I can love anyone- but I'm only good at loving one person at a time.
Anyways, I'm dancing again. This isn't really about me. It's about my spouse. He's come out to me as poly recently. No problem there- I've done that before and I don't mind being the mono one in a poly relationship.
My issue is with the circumstances. I've had multiple surgeries in the past year. I felt bad about this because I felt like I was a burden to my husband. I also felt terrible for not being able to spend time with my newborn.
What makes me angry is that disclosure of newfound poly ways came only after he hooked up with my longtime friend while I was in the hospital. He told me weeks after the fact that they were together physically while I was facing death in the hospital. I could not feel more betrayed.
I knew my surgery would be hard on him so I asked my mother to watch our daughter. I never dreamed this would be the result of some free time to de-stress.
I don't think I can accept circumstances as they are- even though I have accepted another partner being poly before. I have cut myself off from both my husband and my friend.
I want to be a loving accepting person again, but I don't think I can do so with him. From a poly perspective: am I being too harsh? Both of them say I am.
P.S. Sorry I lied. I guess this was all about me. >.<
 
You feel betrayed...who wouldn't?!
Announcing being poly after cheating is not cool. No, I don't think you are being too harsh. What happened and the subsequent revelations has got to be just awful for you.
I don't see how they can think you are over-reacting if they have an ounce of compassion or even self-honesty. I call "bullshit".
This has nada to do with you being okay being a mono in a relationship with a poly and everything to do with being betrayed. Don't torture yourself over that particular issue, ever.
 
Seconded. From the "poly perspective" he cheated and the two of them betrayed your trust at an extremely vulnerable time, just like from the mono perspective.

That said, what the poly perspective does offer is the knowledge that him hooking up with her does not mean that he doesn't love you any more or that things are necessarily over now. But it's still up to you whether or not you're willing to forgive him and trust him again. I imagine his chances would be better if he showed sincere remorse rather than accusing you of being too harsh...

I wonder why this happened during your hospitalization? Maybe they were both so scared for you and in such need of support that this is the (inappropriate and uncool but perhaps understandable and forgivable?) way they found to be there for each other. If you haven't already, I would ask him what the heck was up with the timing.
 
Thank you for the responses. I did ask why this occured at the time, but I got different answers from both of them. She claims that she has been attracted to him for some time and that their relationship grew while I was having a difficult pregnancy. He says (like Annabel said) that it happened while I was in the hospital because of anxiety about the matter. Here I believe they might both be telling the truth.
However, I'm not sure if I can forgive regardless. My husband promised to be there for me during the intense time in the hospital. He only came to visit one time for a period of two hours saying he was busy with homework from college- I was in there for a long time. To learn that what he was doing was playing with my friend devastated me.
My friend has done similar things to me in the past. She is incredibly attractive (not that I'm not, just in a different way) and has slept with my partners while I've been on vacation, at work, taking care of my ill parents, etc. (I already forgave her too many times in the past I guess.)
At different times both of them have lied to me, so I have difficulty giving them trust right now.
I like what Annabel said about poly offering a different perspective. When you're hurting it's harder to see that. Maybe I will see it with time, but I'm not ready to forgive either of them.
Thanks for both of the responses. Honestly, it has nothing to do with me being mono and I should own that. I can accept the poly lifestyle, but you're right, it was cheating. I sort of wanted to trick myself into believing otherwise.:(
 
Fucking hell! I've spent much longer than that in the hospital with people who were just friends. If you can't count on your spouse to drop everything and be by your side at such a time, who can you count on? What an ass. :(

And if your "friend" has been through this pattern before and saw it coming with your hubs AND knew you'd done poly before... why didn't it occur to her to say something to you, maybe ask your permission?? Or at least avoid the situation until you were well.

I'd dump 'em both too with this context. I'm sorry, hun.
 
I thought as much. I've tried being accepting, resigned, disappointed- a bevy of emotions in the short time since I found out. Reading the responses, I feel as though the anger that is working its way into my system is justified, and boy I have never ever been so mad. :mad: I'm going to have breakfast and then go to my parents house to relax. I need to get away from my husband right now.
 
:eek:I'm concerned that you have chosen to maintain the friendship over the years when this woman has repeatedly betrayed you. If she had the face of a donkey and the body of a mangy monkey it still would be unacceptable.
I say this out of compassion, not mean-ness....you should consider seeing a counselor to get through this experience and to work on why you have continued to keep a 'friendship' with someone who seems to get off on banging your man.
Even if you do come to an understanding with your husband, keeping this toxic woman in your life sounds like a bad idea, imo.
 
Even if you do come to an understanding with your husband, keeping this toxic woman in your life sounds like a bad idea, imo.

i absolutely agree with that.

not that you've got to stay with the father of your child, but for me parenthood has changed my willingness to work through relationship crises that i would have walked away from in the past.

and i think counseling is almost always a good idea, especially if you can find one who is open-minded about unconventional relationships.
 
Sorry. I probably should have clarified something. When I said she'd slept with my partners in the past- I meant my girlfriends. I haven't had very many relationships with males and she's never been interested in them before (to my knowledge). Regardless, it is the equivalent of "banging my man" because love is love and gender is irrelevant.
She's tried to call me about 40 times today and I know she feels awful. I've kept her in my life this long because even though she has taken a lot from me she has given so much back. When I was taken advantage of as a child she was the only one that was there for me. There was no one else I could talk to.
I feel as though I owe her. I've never thought of our relationship as toxic before. I'll have to think about that one.
As far as counseling goes, my mother recommended that my husband and I go already. I know that shouldn't upset me but it does. I feel like it means she's not on my side when I know that's not true.
I haven't decided what to do about my husband, but I know that I need counseling concerning my friend. My mother says she's been taking advantage of me for years... but I don't see it. :confused:
 
I think often we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt a little TOO much. There's a fine line between understanding that people make mistakes, recognizing honest regret and seeing somebody making honest attempts to remedy their behavior-- and enabling somebody who is selfish and deceptive to keep being selfish and deceptive to us.

Honestly I think with something like having a "friend" who sleeps with your partner while you're away-- once is a mistake, and things "happened". Twice is intentional. This is NOT a friend. Toxic people get away with what they do because people let them. I'm seeing you seemingly feeling BAD about wanting to remove somebody from your life who has proved repeatedly to not have any integrity. You should not feel bad about this.

Of COURSE she will call you repeatedly, she will beg your forgiveness, then she will be pissy and talk badly about you when you don't fall for her manipulative behavior. How mean of you. Think of this as practice for your child's toddler years, as it's basically the same thing, and treat it the same way. Ignore it, and then she will stop eventually because she isn't getting the attention she wants.

As for your husband, that's definitely a toughie considering you have a child together. However, I would ask you this: What kind of person leaves their loved one in the hospital alone, to deal with a hard situation, and goes off to bang her best friend?

I'm sure he has all kinds of reasons and all kinds of explanations (to you AND to himself to make him feel better about doing something shitty) -- but it basically comes down to this: A person of integrity wouldn't ever have even considered doing such a thing to their partner. Ever.

At some point in life you have to decide what kind of people you want to be surrounded by and involved with. You can choose people with integrity and have support and friendship, or you can choose people like your friend and have endless drama and lies and deception.


I do think that either way counseling would be good because you can air all of this to an impartial third party and they can help you both communicate clearly about what happened and the emotions around that. Maybe you'll be able to find out things that will bring you closer together, or maybe you'll be able to see clearly that he's not for you. Either way, you'll have a better understanding and maybe a clearer direction at that point.

Of course, I'm a real hardass about integrity, so that's where I'm coming from.
 
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She supported you through a childhood trauma. Ok fine. That's what a good friend does. How long do you have to keep paying her back for that. That act of friendship being a reason why her behavior is ok taints it and makes it into something ugly. Being a good friend once doesn't give her the right to be a douche now.

Even if he'd been out as poly, his behavior STILL would have been dreadful because he should have been at the hospital supporting you. He let you down and you have the right to be angry about that.
 
I agree.
Your view of your friend reminds me of a child who has been chronically abused by a parent and fights to get back to the parent after being removed from the situation. It is what the child knows, even if they have comprehension that their parent has done bad things to them, they still feel loyal. Please don't think I am calling you a child, am just using an example that I have seen and it just happens to have been a child.
No matter that your friend was there for you back in the day, she has been more than making up for it over the years, in a really sick way. You deserve better than that.
Didn't mean to ignore your sexuality, wasn't aware of it....the intent and action on her part is the same, the orientation has zilch to do with it. Have you ever thought about why she targets your love interests? I guess it may be beside the point but it certainly is bizarre.
If and when you speak with Hubby, it might be a good idea to find out how long she has been dropping hints and trying to engage him. I'm not alluding that it is all her fault. I just wonder if she has been biding her time and latched on to him when he was most vulnerable. She reminds me of that movie, Single White Female. It is spooky how she goes after what she perceives to be yours. Please be very careful.
 
Sorry. I probably should have clarified something. When I said she'd slept with my partners in the past- I meant my girlfriends.

Yep, no difference. Sleeping with someone else's partner is scummy no matter what, and as Minxxa said, once could be an unfortunate mistake but over and over... what the hell? That's either intentionally fucking up your life, or just a pathological lack of self-control.

I know she feels awful.

No, you don't, because none of us are mind readers. You may know that she's *saying* she feels awful. But look at her actions and think of it this way. Either she means it, but is too sick to stop hurting you like this, or she doesn't mean it but refuses to let you go from her life. Either way, what sort of friendship is that? You can care for someone but still not be willing to have them in your life if they're no good for you... that's just self-care 101.

I feel as though I owe her.

And I'm sure you've paid her back many times over. But your childhood was a long time ago, and the best thing you can do for her right now might just be to help her see that her actions have consequences.

As far as counseling goes, my mother recommended that my husband and I go already. I know that shouldn't upset me but it does. I feel like it means she's not on my side when I know that's not true.

Yep. We're on your side and we're saying the same thing. Your mom is just trying to help.

My mother says she's been taking advantage of me for years... but I don't see it. :confused:

Honestly it seems pretty clear. I don't know what else might be going on that your mom is seeing, but who *continuously* poaches their friend's lovers, when they're clearly capable of finding their own? I mean, who does that?
 
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Well I picked up the phone finally and told her that we won't be speaking anymore. I'm going to have to stay strong and stand by that. It hurts me, but what was said here struck a chord with me. If she was really concerned for me, she wouldn't keep intentionally targeting the people I love.
I'm learning that although I am generally an independent person I have a codependent relationship with her. I've never been romantically involved with her, yet I am freaking out wondering how I am going to manage without her. I had no idea I was so needy.
I'll definitely be going to see a counselor.
I also talked to my husband. I'm seeing a counselor for ME- not for us- and I explained that to him.
I'm confused about whether or not I should divorce him, but I think I need more time to clear my head. I've told him to stay away from me for now... that does not include staying away from our daughter. That would be unfair to her.
He cried and said he wanted to go to counseling with me. I just don't feel that it would fix anything. I told him I need counseling and only he can know what he needs, but I have no intention of finding a Band-Aid for him to stick on this.
I feel that he has deeper issues, but I don't want to be that woman with her head in the sand. I'm not going to make excuses for him.
I told him: "One day when your actions match your words and you show your love as much as you profess it I may re-examine our relationship. If that day doesn't come, at least I will know I did the right thing."
Thank you all for your advice as I truly appreciate it.:)
 
I am jumping into your thread a little late, but have just read it through and I think you are doing the right thing, cutting off the friend who fucked your husband. She sounds so selfish, self-centered, and maybe even somewhat obsessed with having what you have. So, good for you. Friends like that you can do without, though you may feel like you've cut off one of your arms. I feel for you in that regard, and sorry it hurts so much for you right now.

As far as your husband and marriage, I think it is best not to make any big decisions yet. Divorce is usually quite devastating even when it's for the best (I speak from experience). I am not saying that you should avoid that option just because it will be difficult, but rather that it is a huge step to take, so you want to arrive at it thoughtfully. You are absolutely heading in the right direction by entering counseling or therapy for YOURSELF, and not just to hold together a marriage with a Band-Aid.

Use counseling to get to know yourself more, look at and work on whatever issues you need to, build your sense of self-esteem, and find a place in the world that makes you happy - then see where he and the marriage can fit into your life. If your husband owns up to his mistakes and does his own self-work, and if it feels right for both of you, I see no reason why the relationship can't heal. People have bounced back from this and worse. But it just seems like it could be too soon to make a decision either way right now. Like you told him, if his words and deeds match, you can re-examine everything and make a choice. So, good luck with everything and keep us posted.
 
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Good for you for standing up for what you need. It's amazing sometimes how codependence sneaks up on you! :)

Counseling is the bomb, at least it has been from my experience. I've learned so much about myself the past few years, and it has helped me in many ways.

I told him: "One day when your actions match your words and you show your love as much as you profess it I may re-examine our relationship. "

Awesome! :)

I am often amazed at how people try to talk their way through things even while their actions express the direct opposite. And the truth is, actions are the most important thing, not the spin someone wants to give them.

My other fave is a sign I saw in my office the other day:

"You can't talk your way out of problems your behavior got you into." :)
 
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