Huge Problem likely Small Issue for your veterans, please help

I have not sworn at you once. I will not swear at you. Neither, to my knowledge, has anyone on this board sworn at you. You have the power to not swear at others. You asked why you might be coming across as a chauvinist and I told you why, in addition to explaining why you might come across as arrogant. I told you, exactly as many others have, that it appears you are pushing your girlfriend into something she's been very clear she Does. Not. Want. I'm sorry that incites you.
None of that is what was inciting me. You don't need to apologize for any of that. What was inciting to me was how you were taking my words and presuming negative things about me in front of others in what appeared to be some kind of endless quest for you to choose to belittle me in front of them.

Maybe I mis-understood, but if you need me to quote you I will.
 
So I'm not sure where everyone is getting the idea that I am a male chauvinist.

Possibly the part where, in the very post I'm quoting, you state you're looking at impressionable girls for your arrangement? You can't be much younger than forty, and you're a man -- how old does a woman have to be to become a woman? And by that time, is she already too old for you?

I get the impression that you are independently wealthy. Is this wealth inherited? Earned? How are you maintaining your lifestyle?

CdM should know his island geography, what with his own travels. He has told me a lot about the "dynamic" in various places, and trust me, he's never had stories to tell about wild parties. Perhaps about expats; the English party boys on Ibiza (that would be my experience) are not representative of the people who live and work there all year. So who lives and works where you do? And what are their values?

Unless your potential lovers are orphans, they probably have families who will be raising their eyebrows at this. How do you plan to cope with your lovers' families?

I don't think your fiancée will stay long enough for any of this to become her problem. If she does, it might not be as your fiancée. Why go to all the trouble of planning a wedding? What does marriage offer each of you that cohabitation does not?

As for listening to the gurus: I am biased when it comes to CdM, but I can tell you that the people who are responding have it together. They know what this poly thing is. You might read some of the blogs for an idea as to how various members' relationships work, then ask them about their own experiences if those experiences resonate. You came here for advice. Accept that when you do come for advice, we're going to react as if you want to listen. nycindie isn't known for sugarcoating anything -- hell, neither am I, but I'm trying to be nice. Really and truly I am. Honey, not vinegar.

And I should probably not respond when my night meds kick in, either . . .
 
This has got to be one of my favorite responses. I absolutely love your objectivity. Thank you deeply for responding. I really appreciate it. If possible in the future, may I simply private message you if I have a question requiring your sensibilities?
The way you write does suggest that you believe you have 'women' all figured out.
Ok, I do believe that, but I am also open to the fact that I have some things to learn. But to me the full range of women, I understand. There still are probably little details to fill in some of the spaces in understanding, but I do understand women. Well, mono women anyway.
Obviously, you don't or you wouldn't have started this post in the first place
Well actually I started this because I have very little knowledge about the dynamics between Mono/Mono opening up to Mono/Poly and possibly becoming fully Poly, and it has nothing to do with women or men, but about what the combination of women and man can do in facing this "growth" situation and each has different ideas about what the other is thinking they are doing and is feeling threatened. That was the reason I posted this. Not because I needed to understand women. I do already.
-but that is the way your writing reads. Additionally, you say things like 'cock blocked' and that comes across as though you think having that other woman too is your god-given right and your fiance is just 'in the way'.
Yeah I guess that was a bad word to choose judging from the response. But I was just trying to find some way to describe how she is acting. I was going to say "pussy blocking" but because it had no context like we have now about the cock blocking, I thought that people would say "what's pussy blocking supposed to mean?" Turns out people here mince your words like it's a burning at the stake, so it probably doesn't matter what I say, if they don't like what they feel is my general sentiment they're against me.
You write that you want to respect her and have what you want- something I do understand as I am poly, bf is mono. We agree to a number of boundries that keep his mono self 'safe and secure' and allow my poly self to exist without destroying him.
God I would love to hear what they are!? This is the nuggets I was searching for. Cut to the chase please. Privately if you are comfortable to share but not in front of the group.
But, you also write as though you need to convince her and that isn't respecting her as an individual that does not have to accept a poly-mono dynamic.
No that was a miscommunication here. If I didn't say so, what I was trying to tell everyone here, was that I tried to do that, and that for her to try and understand me and my ideas better I was "peddling" her the concepts. That didn't mean it was for her to buy, it just meant it was for her to learn about by my own insistence. But I wasn't trying to convince her to become a poly, though I tried to see if she agreed with the philosophy during the "peddling" process, as I'm sure everyone in that situation does, they try and feel out their partner to see if they are open to the same thing or not. I just used the wrong words to describe it here I guess. People are very critical here. I don't know. Maybe it's just to me :)
Furthermore, the majority of what you have written suggests that women want and need to be taken care of, provided for
Uh, no man. That is not what I intended to communicate. I was just saying that I am an honorable part of a partnership in that I would provide those things. It doesn't mean I need to like some demented mother teresa or something, lol.
and whatever 'kept in the zone' is. That is seriously disrespectful sounding.
Meaning, that when a women is becoming emotional, which because of their biology they can lose their logic, I am able to help them through whatever it is, and get them back to a place of reasoning. That is indeed a lot for people to swallow and women hate to hear that. But the science is out there. If you don't want to accept that, that's ok to me. I know what I know, and I believe it to be true, because I know it from my own experiences. It doesn't mean you can't think different and still be a respectful person to me, but the women I get involved with happen to always fit that science.
It sounds very chauvanist and marginalizing of women. Especially to women who are 'evolved' enough (no I dont subscribe to that evolution bs) to manage not only to care for and support themselves and their children, but to juggle multiple deep, meaningful, loving romantic relationships with men and women, simultaneously.
Yep, I totally understand that sounds chauvinist. It just happens to be one thing I do believe about the differences between man and woman. I also believe men have penises and women can make babies, and a few other biological differences that feminists can call me chauvinist over. But women who are not on a mission to be "equal" to men understand what I'm talking about. There are differences, and women lose their reasoning when they get emotionally filled up. I know feminists will disagree out of principle. But principle doesn't change science or statistics. They can do their research if they want to.
If you want sincere advice on how to communicate with a woman, it stands to reason that listening to what the women here are saying would be beneficial. Because so far, you have managed to offend the sensibilities of every single woman whose replied to you.
Yes, I guess I have. Maybe they all have complexes. I don't know. It is the real world, and people are just going to get freaked out by me. I just have to get used to that I guess.
That suggests that either you are prone to relationships with women who are not as independent as the poly-women on this board
Absolutely true.
OR you may be prone to offending women in rl
Not as prone as you would think, but it does happen yes.
OR you are really lacking in written communication skills.
Must be part of it.

So ALL THREE :)
Unfortunately, there is no way for any of us to know for sure. Unfortunately for you, it would appear that the end result is the majority assuming that you are sexist, chauvanistic and arrogant in real life.
Well that's just wonderful. I don't come across that way in real life...at least with women that have stayed around me to get to know me. But that might be a self-fulfilling result because maybe the women who disagree with me veer away from me. When I do speak viewpoints that don't agree with the viewpoints of feminism than I get knocked but that's only natural. You can't preach to the choir words from Black Sabbath.
 
Possibly the part where, in the very post I'm quoting, you state you're looking at impressionable girls for your arrangement? You can't be much younger than forty, and you're a man -- how old does a woman have to be to become a woman? And by that time, is she already too old for you?

I get the impression that you are independently wealthy. Is this wealth inherited? Earned? How are you maintaining your lifestyle?

CdM should know his island geography, what with his own travels. He has told me a lot about the "dynamic" in various places, and trust me, he's never had stories to tell about wild parties. Perhaps about expats; the English party boys on Ibiza (that would be my experience) are not representative of the people who live and work there all year. So who lives and works where you do? And what are their values?

Unless your potential lovers are orphans, they probably have families who will be raising their eyebrows at this. How do you plan to cope with your lovers' families?

I don't think your fiancée will stay long enough for any of this to become her problem. If she does, it might not be as your fiancée. Why go to all the trouble of planning a wedding? What does marriage offer each of you that cohabitation does not?

As for listening to the gurus: I am biased when it comes to CdM, but I can tell you that the people who are responding have it together. They know what this poly thing is. You might read some of the blogs for an idea as to how various members' relationships work, then ask them about their own experiences if those experiences resonate. You came here for advice. Accept that when you do come for advice, we're going to react as if you want to listen. nycindie isn't known for sugarcoating anything -- hell, neither am I, but I'm trying to be nice. Really and truly I am. Honey, not vinegar.

And I should probably not respond when my night meds kick in, either . . .
Love your response. You are also very objective and direct. I really trust your foresight. I might just have to let her go. I'm thinking I will have to. It's probably the most respectful thing I could do. If she wants to come back she can, but the best thing would be to show I respect her own ideals and that I can honor them by letting her go and find a new path to enjoy them on.

About everyone having it together. I agree with you. I totally respect them on that level. But it's coming in some cases with a mountain of dung and flies. But still, I am desperate to become educated, so I still extract every bit of insightful helpful info I can from the smelly mountains of dung responses I've gotten.
 
Last edited:
I had to freaking log in to my laptop-because trying to reply from my phone was ridiculous.
Do you have a lot of experience with people? I mean big city experience. I used to meet 300 people in one night. I was doing this 6 days a week. I had to print 1000s of business cards every week. I did this in Beverly Hills and Hollywood. I did this for years. I knew about 20% of the people in Beverly Hills my sidekick and I once figured. That's a lot in case you aren't sure. Beverly Hills has a lot of people in it. Anyway, I'm not from the boonies. I know people, personalities, and I know how they tick. I was a professional poker player for 2 years.

This would be one of those "eye rolling" series of statements that makes the whole thread seem utterly condescending and ridiculous.

Ok, so you KNOW PEOPLE in Hollywood-where it's normal for a marriage to last 72 hours and relationships to be based upon lies heaped upon lies heaped upon lies. Where "love" is synonymous with sex AND with "we were in a movie together-until of course a new film comes along and they are now in "love" with the lead in THAT film.

That might explain precisely why you can't figure out why everyone is offended at the way you degrade women through your comments and degrade the posters here though your comments.

You are right-NO ONE HERE KNOWS YOU.
But-if one wants to vent to a captive audience, they pay a counselor. When one posts on a public message board asking for advice-they generally can count on getting some very blunt, hard-edged responses. The interesting thing is-that its usually spot on for what it is about them that THE GENERAL PUBLIC is going to find offensive.
So, if you are looking to improve your already perfected by Hollywood social skills-you've come to the right place. You may find it VERY helpful in your personal relationships.
If on the other hand you were looking for people to pussyfoot around the questions and answers they give-you are in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

SINCERE answer to your ORIGINAL POST:
You are trying to educate a mono person about what you need as a poly-GO READ MonoVCPHG's posts. There isn't another poster on here who has written SO THOROUGHLY from a mono perspective-exactly what it is that a mono person thinks and feels and needs in order to accept and even thrive in a mono-poly dynamic.
If you read through his posts, and especially the threads he started, you will find a treasure trove of information on how to communicate to mono's in a way that they can accept and understand.
 
I have to go pick up my father in law at the airport. So, I have to go.

But yes, you may private message me if you want.

I haven't read your reply to what I wrote-I did see that you replied.

I will be back online again tomorrow I am sure.

Additionally, if you want to read any of my thoughts regarding poly and dealing with mono partners-feel free to peruse my blog. There's a wealth of info there-but I stand by my assertation-no one that I am aware of in 3 years has written as much as Mono regarding the hows and whens of communicating lovingly to a mono the needs of a poly.
Please-go read his posts.
 
Unless your potential lovers are orphans, they probably have families who will be raising their eyebrows at this. How do you plan to cope with your lovers' families?
Ah. Just got the "orphan" insinuation now. Meaning, don't I think their fathers will come and kill me? lol

I'll have to be sure to screen for amenable relatives or yeah, orphans. Here most of the girls/women are "pseudo orphans" because they are one of 7 sisters and brothers, and their parents are just barely scraping by. The prospect of living in a home they're daughter can thrive in is an upgrade they'll approve of, especially if they're daughter says it will make her happy.

And yeah I'm only talking about legal women. Some I know of already have a child, or two, or three, (ages 18-27) and would very much be interested in a loving affectionate fun financially supportive relationship in a house filled with "friends".
 
Really? Read this back... It sounds controlling no? Or was this a joke?
Not a joke. You(a person here or anywhere really) are not welcome to be insulting to me or to be offensive to me or other members of this forum or any people. If you do that, I need to do what I can to make sure you come to realize that is inappropriate and you should be careful about doing so in the future. In this case here, I am talking to you guys about it in the hopes you will be more respectful in the future. But no, it's not meant to be "controlling" other than you need to learn your boundaries and when you are likely to be offending someone.
 
Hey, gotta hit the hay. It's gettin' late. But I like your response here a lot. Every part of it. I want to let you know my thoughts, but I'll do tha tin the morning. Thanks and have a good night. (you're gettin' through to me)
I had to freaking log in to my laptop-because trying to reply from my phone was ridiculous.


This would be one of those "eye rolling" series of statements that makes the whole thread seem utterly condescending and ridiculous.

Ok, so you KNOW PEOPLE in Hollywood-where it's normal for a marriage to last 72 hours and relationships to be based upon lies heaped upon lies heaped upon lies. Where "love" is synonymous with sex AND with "we were in a movie together-until of course a new film comes along and they are now in "love" with the lead in THAT film.

That might explain precisely why you can't figure out why everyone is offended at the way you degrade women through your comments and degrade the posters here though your comments.

You are right-NO ONE HERE KNOWS YOU.
But-if one wants to vent to a captive audience, they pay a counselor. When one posts on a public message board asking for advice-they generally can count on getting some very blunt, hard-edged responses. The interesting thing is-that its usually spot on for what it is about them that THE GENERAL PUBLIC is going to find offensive.
So, if you are looking to improve your already perfected by Hollywood social skills-you've come to the right place. You may find it VERY helpful in your personal relationships.
If on the other hand you were looking for people to pussyfoot around the questions and answers they give-you are in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

SINCERE answer to your ORIGINAL POST:
You are trying to educate a mono person about what you need as a poly-GO READ MonoVCPHG's posts. There isn't another poster on here who has written SO THOROUGHLY from a mono perspective-exactly what it is that a mono person thinks and feels and needs in order to accept and even thrive in a mono-poly dynamic.
If you read through his posts, and especially the threads he started, you will find a treasure trove of information on how to communicate to mono's in a way that they can accept and understand.
 
I just want to provide for them to enable them. I am not interested in disabling them. That said, if they are with me, they are inside my ruleset. And if they break my ruleset, they are still free to not be with me. But my ruleset is not disabling, or demotivating, or devaluing, or abusive, or possessive.
OK, here's something else that I would suggest you think about.

Several things that you have posted about what you want out of your relationships have to do with you setting up a place according to your rules - you will work out what BC should be used, you will not allow other men to live there, but you will allow your women to have outside relationship, etc. - if they don't like them they can leave. This sounds a lot like "my way or the highway".

In order to be respectful of the people with whom you have a relationship, the "ruleset" should be something negotiated between you - because even though they may not have it all written down and thought-out, everyone has a ruleset, or set of boundaries.

So this may well be the language you are using here - in which case, maybe you could explain more, but this comes across as "I am going to make the rules. Everyone has to sign on to my rules. They will be happy with my rules, or they can leave." The undertone (without you explicitly saying it) is that their rules don't matter, because yours trumps all of them.

Do you see how this could come across?

(Oh and I think Honduras is usually considered Central America, not South America :) )
 
Several things that you have posted about what you want out of your relationships have to do with you setting up a place according to your rules - you will work out what BC should be used, you will not allow other men to live there, but you will allow your women to have outside relationship, etc. - if they don't like them they can leave. This sounds a lot like "my way or the highway".

In order to be respectful of the people with whom you have a relationship, the "ruleset" should be something negotiated between you - because even though they may not have it all written down and thought-out, everyone has a ruleset, or set of boundaries.

So this may well be the language you are using here - in which case, maybe you could explain more, but this comes across as "I am going to make the rules. Everyone has to sign on to my rules. They will be happy with my rules, or they can leave." The undertone (without you explicitly saying it) is that their rules don't matter, because yours trumps all of them.
Yeah I'm not a stingy person at all. Very fair and interested in the well being of others. Though I will have my rules and that will be there at the outset, what they want can be negotiated as well. The reason I have my rules are to protect the entire sanctum. Exceptions (poking holes in some rules) could be made to people who demonstrate respectful behavior (likely those who have been around the longest and earned trust). But outside of my rules, yes, good point, listening to their needs and negotiating that with them so everyone is still ok and happy and feeling respected will be paramount in treating them as I would want to be treated myself.
 
Yep. And he's trying (with some degree of success, sadly) to neg-hit the entire forum.
I'm not trying at all. Acting like a Troll, maybe, but I'm just defending myself, I really didn't want to have to go the "troll" route.

And I get the impression that it's important to you guys that I answer your replies, so that's why I'm all over every response and posting so much. Because I left one unanswered for a few hours and someone already got all insecure about it and thought I was ignoring them. I expected more from people of like minds. I thought Poly people were open minded, open hearted, fulfilled, secure people, but I see that all those things do not come with being open, necessarily.
 
So each of your rules are hard-line non-negotiables for you? In order to enter into this, you will have to agree to them and comply? The only time anyone has the right to talk about their wishes is after a certain amount of time has passed, and you trust them enough?

How many of these rules are there? If there are more than a few, I think that you are going to narrow down the list of people that are willing to enter into this even more. Also, I think that the folks that you get that *are* going to agree with it are going to be problematic for you, as I mentioned earlier.
 
When you go on the internet, evan, and ask questions from strangers on a message board, you don't get to scold them for not answering the way you think they should, nor to tell them how to answer. We operate by the rules of the board, not you, and only a moderator can tell us how to answer in ways that comply. So, if someone is getting a rise out of you, it's on you. You don't have to belittle us and say we are not acting in the true spirit of poly. Methinks you know jack shit about effective communication. We could help you if you weren't so combative and arrogant in your responses and being such a drag with your big "No" to everyone. Ick. I am not offended by your words because I don't give that kind of power to strangers on a message board, but I see that you like to instigate and try to offend people, for some reason.

This is useless, and I know you will likely not be coming back here six months from now, nor contributing in any helpful way to anyone else's threads. You just want to get agreement and only the kind of feedback you want to get, to handle your "huge" (in actuality, common as mud) problem. Eccch, you're selfish.

I'm done with you.
 
Last edited:
I'm wondering if your soon to be wife had to agree to certain rules upon meeting you if the 2 of you were going to be together or if through the process of getting to know each othwr you developped the boundaries of where your relationship would lie together? In the case of the latter any other relationship (and woman who you are in the relationship with ) deserves the same respect. If you had premade rules for your soon to be wife before meeting her and that's what's working for you then have ar it. You're just not going to get a lot of sipport from people here since for the most part we believe in equality in relationships and that everyone involved has a say when it comes to what their relationship will look like. I don't know if I speak for anyone else but I find what I'm reacting to in the way that you talk is that it sounds like you're looling for a patriarchal polygamous set up without the religious overtones.
 
I'm wondering if your soon to be wife had to agree to certain rules upon meeting you if the 2 of you were going to be together or if through the process of getting to know each othwr you developped the boundaries of where your relationship would lie together? In the case of the latter any other relationship (and woman who you are in the relationship with ) deserves the same respect. If you had premade rules for your soon to be wife before meeting her and that's what's working for you then have ar it. You're just not going to get a lot of sipport from people here since for the most part we believe in equality in relationships and that everyone involved has a say when it comes to what their relationship will look like. I don't know if I speak for anyone else but I find what I'm reacting to in the way that you talk is that it sounds like you're looling for a patriarchal polygamous set up without the religious overtones.

You fail to mention that velveeta masks the flavor of Haldol a lot better than peanut butter.
 
So each of your rules are hard-line non-negotiables for you? In order to enter into this, you will have to agree to them and comply? The only time anyone has the right to talk about their wishes is after a certain amount of time has passed, and you trust them enough?

How many of these rules are there? If there are more than a few, I think that you are going to narrow down the list of people that are willing to enter into this even more. Also, I think that the folks that you get that *are* going to agree with it are going to be problematic for you, as I mentioned earlier.
Yeah I agree with you. Talking about this has really shed some light on everything. For one thing, it almost seems like the people I want to come into my circle aren't to be Poly minded people. If they were they wouldn't want what I'm setting up. So that's a little bit of a reality check right there. And so those who would be excited to join up with me and my girls, would eventually be the types who would grow to be problems with the situation. I see that better now than before that is for sure.

As far as each of my rules being hard line non-negotiables, no not really. But I mean no cheating would be one... only respectful permission based sharing. I'm not going to set up a Hostel where I support women to be free to enjoy their life with no regard to me. It's supposed to be people who agree to be with me as my girlfriends or more. So calling that hard lined non-negotiables seems like you are putting a stigma on that. I think that's very sensible. I know my limits and it will be spelled out so that they know what they are getting into. If they want to join up with me, than they know what my preferences are going in. If they break the rules, it isn't "get on the highway", every situation will be approached with compassion and understanding and patience and caring if not love. We can talk about why they broke my groundrules, and what they can do in the future to better respect them. From there you get a about three strikes I'd say, within reason, because as they say: The first time is an accident, the second time is a coincidence, and the third time is a pattern.
 
When you go on the internet, evan, and ask questions from strangers on a message board, you don't get to scold them for not answering the way you think they should, nor to tell them how to answer. We operate by the rules of the board, not you, and only a moderator can tell us how to answer in ways that comply. So, if someone is getting a rise out of you, it's on you. You don't have to belittle us and say we are not acting in the true spirit of poly. Methinks you know jack shit about effective communication. We could help you if you weren't so combative and arrogant in your responses and being such a drag with your big "No" to everyone. Ick. I am not offended by your words because I don't give that kind of power to strangers on a message board, but I see that you like to instigate and try to offend people, for some reason.

This is useless, and I know you will likely not be coming back here six months from now, nor contributing in any helpful way to anyone else's threads. You just want to get agreement and only the kind of feedback you want to get, to handle your "huge" (in actuality, common as mud) problem. Eccch, you're selfish.

I'm done with you.
I see you take no responsibility for scolding me, and you excuse the actions of your friends. I'm not interested in changing your core beliefs so that you can approach this differently and have compassion for the things that others did to me in here. It's not necessary for me. I know where you are coming from and I'm sure in time you will have a better idea of my "texture" than the premature judging you have projected onto our conversations. I appreciate you and your experiences and what you have to offer me and others here. If you want to treat me like second class, I cannot do anything about that.
 
Back
Top