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  #21  
Old 03-20-2019, 08:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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What is it you most want in your dating life at this point in time?

Galagirl
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  #22  
Old 03-21-2019, 12:32 AM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What is it you most want in your dating life at this point in time?

Galagirl
I want to happy with the people I care about until the day I die. So I'll help them so they can be happy too.
I know Suzy isn't in dire straights but I do want to offer her the same level of help that I have given to Alice Louis and Cam and pay Suzy back for the help she has given Alice Louis.
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  #23  
Old 03-21-2019, 10:40 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Originally Posted by MuffinButton View Post
I want to happy with the people I care about until the day I die. So I'll help them so they can be happy too.
I know Suzy isn't in dire straights but I do want to offer her the same level of help that I have given to Alice Louis and Cam and pay Suzy back for the help she has given Alice Louis.
I apologize for my stubbornness about Suzy, after taking some time to think I want to have her stay friends with me and Alice Louis and will wait for Suzy to get through most of her freshman year of college before trying anything
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  #24  
Old Yesterday, 01:18 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I don't know. Rereading this just strikes me that the way you write is rather on the controlling side. It's all about your wants and desires and what you think works for everyone else.

Everyone has to walk their own path, and it might not be what you want or what you believe is best for them, or even factually best for them. But everyone has autonomy to make their own choices and decisions.

So what do these people actually want for themselves? Do you even know? Some of it sounds like you're maneuvering because you think you know what's best for them. But that's not treating them like adults and individual human beings.
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Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #25  
Old Yesterday, 02:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Then it seems your original question for this thread...

Quote:
TLDR; How do I ask out a girl into a polyamorous relationship that has never dated before?
... is answered.

Quote:
after taking some time to think I want to have her stay friends with me and Alice Louis and will wait for Suzy to get through most of her freshman year of college before trying anything
You are NOT going to ask Suzy out at this time. Instead, you will wait until she's graduated HS and done with most of her freshman year of college before thinking about asking her out.

Slowing down? I think that behavior better aligns with your larger want
  • to have her stay friends with you and Alice Louise.
  • to thank her for her being kind to Alice Louise

Where hurrying up and coming on to Suzy right now while Alice Louise is having mental health difficulties?

I don't see how that behavior thanks Suzy for anything. Instead it could increase weirdness or pressure for both gals or even wreck their friendship if they end up bickering over you.

And while it may not be your intent? It might also come off as "best friend's BF hitting on me all creepy while best friend is sick." Or like you just want to get into everyone's pants.

Slow your roll with these high school people. Allow them ample time and space to finish growing up, graduate, and figure out what THEY want from THEIR dating life. It might not mesh with what you think want in yours.

And in the meanwhile, if you want to poly date at the college? DO. Could stop participating in the one-way agreement with Alice Louise you already know was a poor agreement to make. Could tell her it pinches, and you don't want to cheat on agreements. Instead you are giving her the heads up that you no longer will be participating in that agreement.

Could even take a dating break to give Alice Louise time and space to work on her health issues and give you a break from the stress. In your other thread you said

Quote:
Again, I am stressed but not like pulling my hair out stressed. Yes it has taken more time than I'd like to admit but I have been getting better. And now that I am here I and not working at the same level as she is I feel I can help a lot more. It seems I was missing the mark in what I was supposed to do.
You do not have to go all the way out to "hair pulling stress" to recognize a personal limitation. If dating Alice is taking up more work and more time than you care for? STOP. Be ok letting it go for now until she is better. Other people break up and get back together -- it is not unheard of.

It may be that getting back together after Alice Louise herself graduates, makes it to college freshman, and is more able to seek healthcare options on her own is a better time for you to date each other.

However it plays out? It is NOT your job to be her "life raft" person.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Yesterday at 02:29 AM.
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  #26  
Old Yesterday, 03:59 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
I don't know. Rereading this just strikes me that the way you write is rather on the controlling side. It's all about your wants and desires and what you think works for everyone else.

Everyone has to walk their own path, and it might not be what you want or what you believe is best for them, or even factually best for them. But everyone has autonomy to make their own choices and decisions.

So what do these people actually want for themselves? Do you even know? Some of it sounds like you're maneuvering because you think you know what's best for them. But that's not treating them like adults and individual human beings.
I promise this is not my intention I am just bad at putting thoughts into words due to ADD. I understand that everyone has their own paths. Yes, I admit I was controlling when it came to Alice Louis but now I realize a better path to take that will help her instead of continuing a destructive loop of control and fear.
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  #27  
Old Yesterday, 05:53 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You are NOT going to ask Suzy out at this time. Instead, you will wait until she's graduated HS and done with most of her freshman year of college before thinking about asking her out.

Slowing down? I think that behavior better aligns with your larger want
  • to have her stay friends with you and Alice Louise.
  • to thank her for her being kind to Alice Louise

Where hurrying up and coming on to Suzy right now while Alice Louise is having mental health difficulties?

I don't see how that behavior thanks Suzy for anything. Instead it could increase weirdness or pressure for both gals or even wreck their friendship if they end up bickering over you.

And while it may not be your intent? It might also come off as "best friend's BF hitting on me all creepy while best friend is sick." Or like you just want to get into everyone's pants.
I'm thinking in terms of a better route where I can have Alice Louis make a plan to get help and encourage her but not urge her. I believe that Alice Louis is ready but her anxiety is getting the better of her. And I don't think she will be "better" by this time next year but I think I can have a more reasonable and productive conversation about polyamory.

The timeline/timeframe isn't exact by any means just a mental dart I threw and stated where it landed. I know that sounds like BS and that I am back peddling but I promise that I am not trying to get like military level concise planning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Slow your roll with these high school people. Allow them ample time and space to finish growing up, graduate, and figure out what THEY want from THEIR dating life. It might not mesh with what you think want in yours.

And in the meanwhile, if you want to poly date at the college? DO. Could stop participating in the one-way agreement with Alice Louise you already know was a poor agreement to make. Could tell her it pinches, and you don't want to cheat on agreements. Instead you are giving her the heads up that you no longer will be participating in that agreement.

Could even take a dating break to give Alice Louise time and space to work on her health issues and give you a break from the stress. In your other thread you said



You do not have to go all the way out to "hair pulling stress" to recognize a personal limitation. If dating Alice is taking up more work and more time than you care for? STOP. Be ok letting it go for now until she is better. Other people break up and get back together -- it is not unheard of.

It may be that getting back together after Alice Louise herself graduates, makes it to college freshman, and is more able to seek healthcare options on her own is a better time for you to date each other.

However it plays out? It is NOT your job to be her "life raft" person.

Galagirl
That more along the sentiment I was hitting on for Suzy. I am a lot more willing to let things happen but again, I do still want to try. The waiting itself is not my way of thanking her. I want to treat her with the same kindness she showed Alice Louis. Suzy was already good friends with Alice Louis but part of the reason I am a bit more insistent is that I asked Suzy to watch over Alice Louis while I was having my own struggles and started realizing that Alice Louis' anxiety and anger was getting much worse. Suzy did so without hesitation or argument. I didn't get on my knees and promise Suzy my life in return I didn't yell or scream at her just so she could shut me up. She chose it of her own volition gladly followed through.

It sounds arbitrary but the reason I am so grateful is that they weren't as close of friends until I had asked Suzy to give Alice Louis a bit more attention. Yes, this sounds fucking horrible, but this is not what I had intended to happen. I picked Suzy because I had feelings for her and also thought that she was the easiest one I could contact/speak to about this and because I thought she was the one best fit to get closer with Alice Louis out of all of my previous teammates. I did not expect Alice Louis to also develop feelings for Suzy, even in my "best case scenario" did I account for this. From that extremely flawed view, I saw Alice Louis getting closer and Suzy would be sexually involved with Alice Louis and me, not romantically involved as well. And this loops back, because of course it does, why I added that portion to my initial post of this thread. The decision was obviously made with bias but even looking in hindsight I wouldn't have seen myself pick anyone else bias or not.

I don't claim to know what's best for Suzy and barely know for Alice Louis but my initial post was a bad combination of a situation where all of our wants are met. I probably knew it wouldn't turn out that way since why would it but I guess I start at "best case scenario" and compromise/settle for whatever happens. Obviously, this has changed, maybe not entirely, but because I partially feel indebted to Suzy since she far exceeded my expectations of how she would help Alice Louis.

For my own personal boundaries, it's not that I am afraid of us drifting apart or anything but more because I can't afford to just walk away from this even if I wanted to. I know I can't and shouldn't be her liferaft but now that I am to pull out the rug from under her right now or anytime soon would be catastrophic for both me and Alice Louis. She'd spiral into depression, anger, and fear and I don't think there would be anyone who could stop it before it is too late. Yes, this sounds like catastrophizing but I say it because Alice Louis in her bouts of depression has told me similar sentiments and I don't find them entirely false. I can't stop my efforts to help until I know she is in a more stable place than she has been since I was last able to physically be there for her.
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  #28  
Old Yesterday, 10:59 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinButton View Post
I know I can't and shouldn't be her liferaft but now that I am to pull out the rug from under her right now or anytime soon would be catastrophic for both me and Alice Louis. She'd spiral into depression, anger, and fear and I don't think there would be anyone who could stop it before it is too late. Yes, this sounds like catastrophizing but I say it because Alice Louis in her bouts of depression has told me similar sentiments and I don't find them entirely false. I can't stop my efforts to help until I know she is in a more stable place than she has been since I was last able to physically be there for her.
She's not your responsibility, though. Even if she was actively suicidal, she's still not your responsibility beyond notifying her parents (since she's a minor) and the authorities.

The only person who can choose to save her is herself. If you teach her to rely on you instead of herself, then you're building a codependent relationship- not a healthy one. That really isn't any better.
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #29  
Old Yesterday, 11:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I know I can't and shouldn't be her liferaft but now that I am to pull out the rug from under her right now or anytime soon would be catastrophic for both me and Alice Louis. She'd spiral into depression, anger, and fear and I don't think there would be anyone who could stop it before it is too late. Yes, this sounds like catastrophizing but I say it because Alice Louis in her bouts of depression has told me similar sentiments and I don't find them entirely false. I can't stop my efforts to help until I know she is in a more stable place than she has been since I was last able to physically be there for her.
That is why you could tell her parents she is in trouble before you bow out. Then they can deal with it. She is their dependent, it is their responsibility. She's got them for a safety net.

Have you considered that YOU being around as a dating partner might be an obstacle to her health stabilization? If she's fretting about other partners "taking you away" and other anxiety with "proving you love her" and whatever? In her mental state, it might just be more baggage to deal with. You could do the kind thing and bow out. Sometimes that's what love is.

While no break up is FUN, afterward it may end up lightening her stress load some.

Have you considered that might be part of why the parents don't like you? You being around makes more stuff for Alice Louise to fret over when she's already a fretty person. And dating her behind their backs -- that's not going to make them love it either.

You are over involved in her health care business and you have your OWN mental health care to think about. You are a 19 yr old youth. Could cut yourself a break. You yourself are not fully an adult yet. Starting to be, but not all the way out of the teens yet. You do not have to shoulder all these burdens right now.

You CAN stop your efforts. You might not like it, but you CAN.

You cannot be following Alice Louise's health stuff like binge watching a Netflix show. You may need to take a healthy step back away from it all for her sake as well as your own.

Quote:
From https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/20...do-everything/

"Even professionals are not fully able to prevent suicides. One study found that almost 1 in 5 people who died by suicide had seen a mental health professional within 30 days of their death."

"If mental health professionals and psychiatric hospitals cannot prevent all suicides, then how can friends and family be expected to do so?"
DO be her friend.

DO tell her parents she's getting worse.

STOP being her BF. Tell her you guys can get back together once she is well. And you can!

DO date other people. If you want to move on to poly date now? And are getting kinda fix-y or push-y or projecting things on to Alice Louise because you want her to hurry up so you can move on to poly? Let go of the want to poly together with her right NOW. Poly with others, and she can join your network if she wants later on. It is possibly to poly WITHOUT HER.

I'm glad posting here has helped you gain some perspective and clarify some of your thoughts.

I encourage you to keep thinking and aim for HEALTHY choices for each person. Not making choices to try to pave the way and make it wind up at "me, Alice, and Suzy in a V or triad." That cannot be forced.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; Today at 06:56 AM.
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  #30  
Old Today, 06:36 AM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Unneccessary drama.

If I couldn't see a minor girl, it didn't matter what the reason was: maybe she had a boyfriend already, maybe her parents were super religious, maybe she was going on a 2 year mission... so what.

Is there some urgency, Romeo and Juliet suicide mission urgency you can't wait? You getting married next week?

You don't have poly. You don't even have a sexual relationship with one, let alone multiple people as far as I can tell.

It isn't to put you down but to put some perspective on this, to lower the drama dial down. Youth is supposed to be spent exploring relationships with others, blowing it with stupid mistakes but learning from them, they aren't the end of the world. Dating multiple people is common, it isn't poly. Having multiple intimate partners, and that means sex, is poly.
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