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  #11  
Old 03-19-2019, 05:23 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Hi Bibble and Welcome to the Forum!

Despite the strong responses you have received here on this forum, the conclusions that you have surmised regarding boundaries surrounding sexual privacy are actually somewhat understandable if you have spent some time reading about polyamory. Two of the most well regarded and recommended books on polyamory, "Opening Up" (Tristan Taormino) and "The Ethical Slut" (Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy) both discuss this issue as a potential benefit to polyamory (particularly in the hierarchical model, as is common when an established mono couple is transitioning to poly) - that is, the sexual energy created with a secondary partner feeding back to the primary relationship, a situation which may include sharing "blow by blow" accounts of the sexual encounters with the secondary. Both of these texts, however, conclude that it is ultimately up to the primary couple involved to negotiate what works best for them.

That said, I would agree with the general consensus that your girl friend's boundary is perfectly fine, especially if that is what was agreed on going into a poly relationship. If you had real concerns about that boundary, the time to have addressed it would have been then. If a consensus could not be reached, you would then have to decide whether to enter a polyamorous relationship at all, or possibly whether to remain together as a couple if no consensus could be reached on whether to have an open relationship.

Of course, agreements can always be revisited - with these very same options.

An important ethical point has also been made that the sharing of details may also impinge on the privacy of her other lovers - which is also a very valid concern that should be considered even when both primary partners have agreed to share details. Some of the "other partners" may object - others will not care at all. But, in fairness to them, they should give their consent as well.

When my wife asked me to transition our marriage to poly a couple of years ago so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend, I ultimately agreed after much processing. However in regard to her having sex with him (especially since I did not have another partner in the beginning), to safeguard my own sense of security, I insisted that we have sex the night before and immediately after she had sex with him (as soon after as reasonable), and that she answer any questions about details that I asked. This was agreed on up front - and her boyfriend consented up front, he had no issue at all with her sharing details if I asked. (Now, two years later, I have partners, we are full on kitchen table poly with her boyfriend - who has stayed in our guest room several times, so security is barely an issue at all, although we still share some details just for spice. So, whatever you work out together, give it some time. If you are suited for poly and put in the effort, this issue will become much less of a concern.)

Just a few thoughts for a slightly different perspective.

Al
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Last edited by Al99; 03-19-2019 at 06:03 PM.
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  #12  
Old 03-20-2019, 07:53 PM
radicaljd radicaljd is offline
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Default Try a Hidden Camera

You can find spycams hidden in clock radios, etc. That's always an option.
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  #13  
Old 03-21-2019, 10:14 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Al99 View Post
However in regard to her having sex with him (especially since I did not have another partner in the beginning), to safeguard my own sense of security, I insisted that we have sex the night before and immediately after she had sex with him (as soon after as reasonable), and that she answer any questions about details that I asked.
This sounds kinda gross to me, but if it worked and everyone consented... well, people can agree to anything. That is much more a thing in the realm of hotwifing, where they talk about "reclaiming" sex. It always made me uncomfortable because it feels like a dog marking its territory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by radicaljd View Post
You can find spycams hidden in clock radios, etc. That's always an option.
Please tell me this is a joke. Because if not, what a horrible invasion of privacy.
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  #14  
Old 03-21-2019, 11:24 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Quote:
This sounds kinda gross to me, but if it worked and everyone consented... well, people can agree to anything. That is much more a thing in the realm of hotwifing, where they talk about "reclaiming" sex. It always made me uncomfortable because it feels like a dog marking its territory.
I gained a general overview of the hotwifing fetish during my general study of CNM. And while certainly "to each his own" (your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok), the sex we had afterward was much more about "re-connection" than "reclamation" - and, if fact, re-connection sex is often recommended in the literature, especially for those in heirarchical situations (such as mono marriages that have transitioned to poly). But, in fairness, in the beginning it did have to do with my security - not so much about "marking territory" as about reassurance that all was still ok (back in the beginning when the idea of my wife having sex with another man was quite unsettling. Two years in, it's more like "go have a good time" - I can catch up on my reading).

Sexually, it was definitely not about me being excited at the thought of her being with another man (a hallmark of hotwifing - but as noted above, that was a real struggle in the beginning) - and there were certainly no sloppy seconds and creampies involved (shower in between, thank you). It really turned out to be more of a turn-on for Becky, who loves the idea that she gets two men in the same evening. So, she gets real turned on by it - and it's great sex for all . Really, she would be very up for an MFM threesome, but it couldn't be with her boyfriend, Ben - would be way too awkward. But, I might consent for a one time special occasion (milestone birthday or such) with a "vetted swinger" perhaps - just so that she could have the experience. I was fortunate to experience an FMF threesome back in the day, so although it was not with Becky, I would hate to deprive her of an experience that I got to enjoy.

Anyway - just a couple of clarifying thoughts. Al
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Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Jill: local fwb to Al99, heterosexual female, early 50's.
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's
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My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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  #15  
Old 03-22-2019, 04:19 AM
Dustytx Dustytx is offline
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I have a husband & a boyfriend. I might advise them if I've been intimate with the other on a given day but details are not shared. To me sharing that info is a bit skeezy. It's private to each relationship as the intimacy is different with each. Everyone is in the know & consents to the relationships. Beyond safer sex practices there is no need for details.
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