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  #1  
Old 03-12-2019, 05:31 PM
crosshearted crosshearted is offline
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Unhappy Tried ethical polyamory but ended up wrong

Hello, so... I don't even know how to start my story but any help would do a great job with my feelings.

So, my husband and I have been in a very long relationship (+7 years). We have been married for about for years now and we've been in a monogamous journey all this time. We've always been very open and our communication is very strong, we tell each other everything and that has given us a solid loving relationship (altough it has been hard sometimes). We've explored the idea of polyamory in the past just as an exercise rather than as an intention or plan. We agreed that monogamy was the best for our case. Until we started hanging out with another couple of friends. This guy has been friend with my husband since college so we’ve both known him for about five years. He has been our friend but never as close as the past two years. Since he met this girl, our relationship became so so close because we immediatly fell in love for them together. I’ve found in her a great friend with so many things in common. And we started hanging out very often, even more and more as the time passed by. About seven months ago, in an event I saw him and I thought of him very differently it was more like… wow, he’s handsome, I like him. But I let that feeling vanished away because they broke up and we stopped hanging out together the four of us. This break-up was very hard for me and my husband, it felt like we had to rip apart our love and understand both of them. Last year (like in november) they got back together and slowly our relationship became stronger again very quickly (the relationship between the four of us) and this year we decided that we went on a trip together that we had planned before they broke-up. This trip was so amazing and joyful and in one point we started playing kissing games that didn’t went very far but I started to feel this “click” with the idea of polyamory that me and my husband had talked about in the past and with the whole topic research I’d been doing by myself. This games got very regular on our dynamic and they started getting more and more intense.

After this trip I started to get close to the guy by myself, we started talking about how we felt for each other in the past (when we first met) and right now. The conversations increased in intimacy and as I started feeling involved personally to him I talked to my husband about everything as much as I could. I wasn’t able to completely understand my feelings for him in the beginning but I knew they were walking towards the path of “liking him” more tan a friend and he used to tell me he felt the same. My husband and I started to struggle hard with this topic because he knows me so well… that he really knew my interest by bringing this up at this moment even tough I didn’t mentioned our friends clearly yet.

This guy told me that he was doing the same thing with her, by talking to her about his feelings and changes he’d been experiencing. And one day we put he whole “open relationship” idea in the table and he agreed that he wanted the same thing for us but in an ethical way, in which no one could get hurt so we had to be honest.
The flirting between us increased, got very intense and my husband knew about this. So I started feeling very weird about my friend (his girlfriend) not being fully aware of this whole situation because everytime I asked him about this situation being explored with her, he kept saying he was “working on it but still didn’t bring the topic clearly”. I started panicking, because my relationship with him had developed into a level of deep intimacy and for me, it was the time to make everything into a clear situation with my husband and with my friend. So, when I completely opened to my husband about my needs of having and open relationship with him and this guy, my husband said he’d been feeling the same interest in her (his girlfriend) but that their personal relationship hadn’t gone that far with her as mine with this guy. So we both agreed that this was the time to put everything on the table with them. When my husband talked to her of his feelings, she didn’t felt the same… she was shocked and surprised and mostly, scared. And I started freaking out, because that felt sort of “she’s completely unaware of the whole situation we’ve been picturing”.

So I approached her personally because I didn’t wanted to hurt her with all this (because I truly fondly love her) and told her as much as I could about this whole polyamory topic I’d been exploring with my husband and that it was about them. She was so panicked and scared, started crying and asked me to leave her to think about this whole thing and processs the thing before talking to his boyfriend. And everything got so fucked up, because when she confronted him he started denying the whole thing, blaming me on this situation that according to him “I was misunderstanding”. Just after this, he started being cold to me and screening me very aweful without no explanation and asking me to step back of him because he wasn’t ready to talk to me about his feelings nor giving me explanations. This devastated me so hard and my husband started to get very mad about the situation. The four-of-us relationship started to get so tense in just a couple of days and just one day he texted us (in a whatsapp group we had) that “the whole polyamory thing isn’t something we’re into so we would rather never talk about this anymore and leave this alone”. Me and my husband got so mad because he was trying to make this look like it was “our idea” the whole time. So I called my friend and told her that there was so much he was lying about and hiding and that it was necessary that the four of us had a talk face to face. When we had this meeting everything collapsed. I found out that he never talked to her about his feelings and that when she confronted him he denied the whole situation and lied about everything. She was so shocked and angry with him, everyone cried and even tough he apologized to everyone I could feel her betrayal and I felt very responsable for that too.

After this, I tried to reach out to her to apologize for the damage and to tell her that I wanted our friendship so badly I’d do anything to repair anything and she was so angry with me telling me that “we were never real friends because she couldn’t had done the same thing to a friend about going this far with his boyfriend”. I feel so guilty and wrong, but I really tried to do everything right from the beginning by sharing the whole polyamory that it wasn’t about substituting people, but more to add up to our lives and hearts.
I texted this guy once after the confrontation asking him that if he even cared about our friendship and he never replied back. So now I’ve fucking lost my friend and feel so devastated and heart-broken by this guy. My husband has been trying to help me cope with this, but he’s resenting the whole thing too… he also feels betrayed by him because he was supposed to be his friend too and knows I’m suffering about loosing both of them.

I feel that he never cared for me, I feel like if I don’t have any value for him and that she’s being very cruel to me. He didn’t even cared about my birthday (it is this Friday) and the whole plans we had together, he just fucking did whatever he wanted with me and with her.
It's important to mention that they broke up and ended up every plan of moving in together. I feel so bad for everything, I feel betrayed and guilty. I'm grieving over our two best friends and for each one of them individually
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  #2  
Old 03-12-2019, 10:26 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello crosshearted,

I'm sorry you've had this awful experience with poly, and with losing your best friends. I can't imagine how much that must hurt. My initial thoughts upon reading your story, are, that mistakes were made by everyone in the situation, but I think the biggest mistake was by her boyfriend, namely, that he was not honest with her, and he wasn't honest with you either. He should have told her (much sooner) that he wanted a poly relationship, and he certainly shouldn't have denied it when she confronted him. I don't think there's anything you need to do about this, you have already tried. I just mean that I don't think you should blame yourself for this, you did your very best and you were honest. You told your husband (much sooner in the process), and he was consenting.

There's probably a chance that your friend (the guy's girlfriend, or should I say ex) will be willing to reconnect with you, but I would give her some space right now. Maybe contact her again in a couple of months, just be really careful and don't approach her too fast. And, be willing to accept if she doesn't want to reconnect, that has to be her choice and she may very well feel that way. I hope this experience hasn't left you with a sour or bitter feeling about open/poly, I can understand if it has, nonetheless I hope you'll still consider it someday in the future if it comes up again. If there's any way I can help, let me know. Polyamory went really badly for you, and I feel bad about that. Just know that if you want/need to talk, I'm here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-12-2019, 10:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Aww I'm very sorry about this terrible misunderstanding and sad betrayal!

Did you mean to post in the blog section? Here you won't get many responses unless you ask specifically for them. It's fine of course, if you just wanted to get it all out and vent. I hope it helped.

If you want any feedback or want to ask any questions about how this all could go so wrong, or just get some sympathy, you could cut and paste it over to Relationships, which is more for discussion and advice. <3
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Old 03-12-2019, 10:50 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I'll second what Kevin said about this being mostly on the guy friend. I'll also say that it was likely inevitable that they would eventually break up anyway. The boyfriend seems like a real jerk.

Not that comes things couldn't have been done a little differently, but that is all in hindsight.
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Old 03-14-2019, 08:15 PM
crosshearted crosshearted is offline
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Default Thank you:

Hello!

I've been struggling finding out how to manage myself in this site, haha it has been very stressful because some things aren't very clear like how to respond directly to someone in a thread. But well, mostly thank you for replying to my long story. I was trying to get it all out of my heart in here, it has not been an easy path for me as you can read and its even harder because I don't feel I have the freedom to talk to most of the people in my environment about this polyamory topic.

So, everything kept going so ugly... my husband tried to reach this guy (let's call him R) and R was so so rude and mean to him. He told my husband that he wasn't going to be able to have a relationship with me anymore because of "what I did to his girlfriend by hurting her telling so much mean stuff to her in the confrontation". My husband kept asking him over and over what was the supposedly "mean" stuff I did but he ignored every message he sent. He's just now blaming me for everything and he's showing me that he doesn't even cared for our friendship. I'm deeply hurt, I can understand about my friend (let's call her P) because she resented everything very fast and I can even understand if she doesn't want to contact me in the future (as much as this idea hurts my heart deeply). But I can't possibly understand why R is being so cruel to me and just keeps ignoring me. My husband knows I'm having a rough time and I know he loves me deeply but I also know he's hurt too because R is not taking any responsibility and he's not even trying to get back our friendship.
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Old 03-14-2019, 08:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think R has shown his true colors. Kinda sounds like was in it for what HE could get out of it. Like basically setting you up to be the one he cheated on his GF with while letting you think it was more like "working toward poly."

And when your husband thought it was poly and that it was ok to ask P out? And you were trying to explain poly to P? And it basically came out that R was had been keeping secrets or misrepresenting things to P, you, and your spouse? There went his whole game. Busted!

It blew up. He tried to make it be like you misunderstood him, backpedal, blameshift, etc.

At the end? He it sounds like he has lost access to you and P and he's just gonna blame everyone else now rather than take personal responsibility for his own actions and how they led to this wonky hurting place.

Could not bother trying to be friends again with a person like this. Be ok letting the friendship with R go. Newbies can mess up. But HOW they handle it after speaks volumes.

Give you some time and space to heal.

Give P some time and space. At least a month. Then apologize to her, tell her you miss her friendship, are very sorry for how it all played out and apologize for your part in the mess. It was not your intention for it to go like this. And while neither that nor your newbie-ness is an excuse for poor behavior on your part, you now see how you could have done better. You could have come to her FIRST before starting to date R to make sure it was all consenting rather than just believing R saying it was good when really it was not. Could she please be willing to accept your apology and give opportunity to make amends and work at being friends again?

Then respect her decision however it is and thank her. Whether she prefers to let the friendship go or decides to accept the apology and try to be friends with you again.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-14-2019 at 08:45 PM.
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Old 03-14-2019, 09:37 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi crosshearted,

There isn't a particular way to respond directly to someone in a thread ... What I do is, I say the person's name at the beginning of my post, that way they know it's directed at them. You can also quote the person in your reply text, this way they know you are replying to something they said. Let me know if you have trouble figuring out how to use the quote function, I can give you more details.

I'm sorry things have gone so ugly with R. I think you are in a spot where you are trying to idealize him, while blaming yourself. I'm not saying you didn't make any mistakes, I'm just saying the real weight of the blame falls on R's shoulders. He just wants you to feel guilty so that he doesn't have to. I know it probably hurts to hear this. You want to believe that you can still mend fences with him, you want to keep trying to contact him. Resist that temptation. Give yourself some time to detox from this situation.

It appears that P doesn't want to blame R either. I don't know whether you can regain P as a friend. Probably not right now. I would wait at least a month before contacting her again, then be as apologetic as you honestly can, if you decide to go that route. She is too angry to be approached right now, too angry and too much in denial about R's role in this.

Hopefully in about a month you'll have a clearer picture of all that has happened here. You'll have a better idea whom you can trust, and what you can expect from whom. I am thinking that R is not the kind of guy you would want as a friend, but you can draw your own conclusions. Just don't be in a rush to contact R or P right now.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:07 PM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crosshearted View Post
I’ve found in her a great friend with so many things in common. (
Yes, for example you like to develop polyamorous relationships. With her, in fact. And she is totally opposed to that very thing. Tongue in cheek but true.

I went back to make sure I remembered this correctly:

Quote:
This trip was so amazing and joyful and in one point we started playing kissing games that didn’t went very far but I started to feel this “click” with the idea of polyamory that me and my husband had talked about in the past and with the whole topic research I’d been doing by myself. This games got very regular on our dynamic and they started getting more and more intense.
Whoa there Nellie.

Hindsight is 20-20 but we need to use it here.

We have to ask how two people can see the exact same thing but have completely different beliefs about it.

Intense kissing regularly?

Either you are exaggerating here or there was extreme manipulation going on among people deceiving one another. Happy to correct this if I am in error.

You put forward two virtues: honesty and clear communication.

Everybody knows you have to do those things so it is an automatic sales pitch to give in any story. But the truth is the story begins with dishonesty and deceptive communication.

For example, cloaking intentions behind a "game", lol. Oh, this intense kissing - I need to apply to dental school and this is the practical anatomy portion...

Hindsight is 20-20 but that's exactly why we have to pay attention to it. Use your eyes here. We are being told this woman was there participating in regular intense kissing and the timeline thereafter.

She has one completely innocent take on it and the other people, all three, have another take that makes her the joke of it all.

Having mercy on someone is different from being a friend. You had mercy, good on you.

But she wasn't your friend. A definition, I submit, is a person who warns you about a lover who is openly talking sex with someone else that you are unawares of. In a way that will completely change everything she has seen.

You didn't know she would flee from you after this revelation or even that she would flee this treasonous man.

So again, that is something a friend would know. We understand our friends, even if we do not agree with how they feel we just know from experience and their life story that they will feel betrayed by this.

So where to go from here.

You and the husband are presumably a team. The honesty and communication has to start there.

The relationship with the four of you had a lot of time and emotional energy invested in it. Everyone is devastated.

So it is inescapable that you and your husband didn't do well as a team. You guys need to talk about that. Both of you are still trying to get this guy back into your life?

Both my wife and I rely on each other to make good choices. We would look back at such a thing and ask ourselves what the team could do better.
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