My gf said shes poly but, I think shes not

anarch

New member
First, I'm not poly. My girlfriend last night basically dropped a bombshell on me. She told me she was 'poly' and always has been. I kind of thought I knew where this was going, but I wanted her to explain it to me. She basically said it was "when you get something from another partner you can't get from one". Kind of little irritated I asked her what I couldn't give to her. She said she couldn't explain it. I asked her who else would she be "getting what she needed from". She started talking about how she connected to another guy at a party with her buddies doin' shrooms and the usual sort. They connected on something reasonable, but I asked, "why can't you guys just be friends". She shook her head and said I "didn't understand". I had always been suspicious of her wanting to go after others, but I held my intuition inside and considered it jealousy. I didn't want to be that guy. However, she has not done the same.
We both in our past jobs out of HS were working as servers and she would be jealous and lose her mind to the point of threatening other women who even eyed me. Later on nights she would tell me how she was worried I would leave her for a girl in there. She would tell me about how they were trying to flirt with me, me of course being kind of awkward I don't pick up on it and I'll be honest, I was literally 90% of the time trying to get through their orders thinking about how I have to take a shit. I told her this and she said she'd still always be worried.
I pointed this out to her and she said it was because I was her "primal" and I always would be. I don't believe that either because we admitted we liked each other and talked about while she was dating another person. She said that she "settled" for that guy and really wanted to be with me. The guy was a giant douche in general. The thing that doesn't make sense is she was obviously furious, and still is when she talks about it, when he started seeing another girl on the side. That doesn't sound very poly either.
The thing that hurt me the absolute most was she lied throughout the entire relationship. She's bisexual, I don't care. Honestly If she wants to fool around with girls even though I'm only straight, idc. I told her as long as she didn't have feelings for them and she wasn't chasing guys around. She said she was monogamous when she was with a man and then didn't have feelings for the girls. I said okay and told her, "I could never really love anybody but you though personally". Last night though I pointed that whole conversation out to her though and she flipped it around and basically said she felt feelings for women and chases guys too. I burst into fucking tears and felt like such an idiot for believing her.
I personally think she just isn't wanting the relationship anymore. From all the angles I've looked at, she isn't poly. It just seems more like she's an extremely jealous person and jealous people are prone to cheating. As far as I understand jealousy and poly don't go together. I'm not trying to be 'bigoted' or whatever, but I think it'd be unfair as well. She told me that if maybe within the month or the next year I find somebody I can be with them too, but she knows I'm not as social and I don't have any women friends anyways! I told her I said before that I could only love HER and I asked her why she wouldn't just lie about this like she did everything else? She said she just thought "their might be a chance". Now even If I was in that frame of mind, why the hell would she deserve to find someone else to "help her needs"? I don't think she's poly for one, but she's more than once left the apartment while I was angry and suffering from depression saying "she doesn't know how to handle it and I need to figure it out by myself" and she's "not going to help". Meanwhile, every time she has an episode of schizophrenia, I'm there comforting her from beginning to end. Something about that just isn't right to me, even she admitted it was a little fucked up.

I need to know from people that are actually involved and know about this stuff to please tell me if I'm right or wrong and settle this. I'm not trying to be bigoted, I totally friggin get it if thats the way you are. The thing is I'm really having hard time believing her with the amount of..contradictions?-from the past I would say, I guess? Opinions?
 
People grow up and change their minds about what they want or realize more about themselves as they grow. Don't stay stuck in the past. You're not in high school anymore.

And believe it or not, people who practice poly are human beings and most human beings do get jealous sometimes, so I don't know where you got the weird idea that poly people don't/can't get jealous.
 
She basically said it was "when you get something from another partner you can't get from one".

Ahh, yes, scarcity economics. When I see threads with noobs stating this as their motivation, I keep a wide berth because I don't relate to this view and have difficulty saying anything constructive about it. But I'll let you know it is common enough around here to see people present this position when introducing themselves. Your gf is not unusual in this perception of poly.

Perhaps it's semantics, but I would say that my lovers all have something different that they share with me or bring out in me or that I turn to for. No one person can be everything to another. Yes, there will be things that your gf can get from someone else that she can't get from you, but don't take that personally, that's exactly what happens in life all the time. Just watch a kid pick the right parent to ask something for haha. Or observe how you also have "go to" people for different interactions.

Many noobs tend to think that attitudes towards sexual fidelity is why people, or they, are poly. Wanting or having more than one sexual partner. But there are many forms of intimacy of which sex is just one. Polyamory, to me, is a word that describes love expressed through intimacy with more than one other person. It is natural for these intimacies to vary from person to person, connection to connection. It can actually be unhealthy to attempt to recreate/mimic an expression that works/has worked with one person, with another. But I digress.

If your gf is having trouble putting things into words, it's not because she isn't necessarily poly, it's because she just doesn't have the vocabulary or self knowledge yet to be able to say what she means. Please don't disbelieve her just because she's still finding her feet/vocab/self.

I told her as long as she didn't have feelings for them and she wasn't chasing guys around. She said she was monogamous when she was with a man and then didn't have feelings for the girls. I said okay and told her, "I could never really love anybody but you though personally". Last night though I pointed that whole conversation out to her though and she flipped it around and basically said she felt feelings for women and chases guys too. I burst into fucking tears and felt like such an idiot for believing her.

You're not an idiot for believing her. It was quite possible that she honestly believed she was telling you the truth at the time that she said that. When I said to my husband one night, "I don't want anyone else but you" because in that moment it was the absolute truth. He doesn't feel like an idiot because that's not an ongoing truth. There are very few, if any, absolute and enduring truths in interpersonal relationships.

Feelings happen. So much of the angst we see in new posts around here is when "...and then s/he fell in love with the person s/he was just supposed to be fucking." As others have pointed out before, sex is designed to lead to feelings. Feel good chemicals flood the brain and so on. And you don't even need sex for these to kick in. Feelings happen. Perhaps they happen more for some people than others and this is a part of why people identify as polyamorous. You've stated that you couldn't love anybody but her [while you are in a committed relationship with her] - yes I've extrapolated, because if you broke up tomorrow, I'd suspect you'd find someone else in due course, after your feelings for her had subsided. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't need feelings for one to subside before I have feelings for another. I love many people and express that love through varying intimacies - some are with deep conversation, some are with sex, some are with energy work, some are with silence, some are with passionate kissing, there are so many different intimacies that no two connections are ever the same. None of this is a threat to my husband. And my husband isn't a threat to my other connections. I maintain them through whatever intimacy is most natural to that connection. And when I make new connections, I allow the intimacies that will come with those connections to develop organically, because I've learnt that any attempt to recreate something that might have passed (not all connections stay forever) is futile and is most likely to lead to disappointment, because people are different. And that's what I love about them.

I need to know from people that are actually involved and know about this stuff to please tell me if I'm right or wrong and settle this.

Sorry, it's just not that cut and dried. But I hope the above has given you some ways to perceive it. Please also try using the search function and the faq post and the dictionary posts. If you want to learn so you can help your gf find her vocab and self, then there is a wealth of info here, but it does take time to sift through it all.

Is she poly? Probably.
Does she understand that aspect of herself completely yet? No. And she probably won't for years.
Do you want to stick around for the ride/journey?
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

Let me lift this up.

  • You do not want to poly.
  • She lied throughout the entire relationship with you.

So why keep on staying with her, dude? Dating someone you cannot trust when you two are clearly NOT compatible? :confused:

The rest of the drama is just icing on the cake. Just more and more drain. I'm all for people working out reasonable problems, but this is over the top to me.

I personally think she just isn't wanting the relationship anymore. From all the angles I've looked at, she isn't poly. It just seems more like she's an extremely jealous person and jealous people are prone to cheating.

I suspect you call it right. She's not wanting you for a relationship. She wants you for services rendered.

More importantly, YOU don't sound like you are having fun riding her up and down roller coaster with her. I think you could step off the ride. Wish her well with the dude she recently met at the party and bow out so you can be free of all the drama. She can tinkertoy whatever it is she thinks she needs with other people without you in the mix and you can breathe a sigh of relief to be out of the mess.

This bit?

she's more than once left the apartment while I was angry and suffering from depression saying "she doesn't know how to handle it and I need to figure it out by myself" and she's "not going to help". Meanwhile, every time she has an episode of schizophrenia, I'm there comforting her from beginning to end. Something about that just isn't right to me, even she admitted it was a little fucked up.

I am going to flip the order so you can see it that way.

every time she has an episode of schizophrenia, I'm there comforting her from beginning to end. Something about that just isn't right to me, even she admitted it was a little fucked up

Why keep doing that? You are not her caretaker. She is not your dependent or your responsibility. She's an adult. She can call 911 if she's in deep trouble and learn to take care of her condition if not at that level.

It sounds like you ended up in a one-sided, patient relationship with her that has become super unhealthy for YOU. As a result of that? You end up frustrated, angry, and depressed with the whole situation.

she's more than once left the apartment while I was angry and suffering from depression saying "she doesn't know how to handle it and I need to figure it out by myself" and she's "not going to help".

Sounds like she makes a mess, and then bails rather than help to clean it up. Since the situation makes you angry and depressed and you can expect zero help from partner? You could end it and be free of it all. Remove yourself from the situation.

She doesn't sound like she loves you. She sounds like she loves the services you provide. To me it sounds like she initially told you whatever pretty things to gain access to you and glom on. And now she's sucking you dry without giving much back but drama and more drama. What's in it for you like that?

You seem to know that's fucked up. Even she says it is fucked up.

Who is in charge of your staying-ness? YOU, not her.

This is not ethical poly to me. To me it sounds like you had chosen to be with a reckless person who isn't actually your dependent or responsibility. You tried it on, discovered this is how she is, and now have had your fill. More than you can deal with.

I think it's totally ok to make a new choice. Decide you are done, and choose to walk away to be free of the drama. Not to put too fine a point on it -- she's got others on the string to fill in if you disappear. All those girls and guys she chases.

If you want to call her mother or similar to give next of kin the heads up that you are bowing out, so you have peace of mind because she's got schizophrenia, you could.

But you do not have to. Could just get you out for your own well being. Let the chips fall where they may. Not every person you date will be a long haul runner.

On this one I think you could cut your losses. Just READING about it wore me out and made me go "Ugggggh."

I am sorry you've been dealing in this. It sounds so exhausting.

Galagirl
 
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Or observe how you also have "go to" people for different interactions.

You're not an idiot for believing her. It was quite possible that she honestly believed she was telling you the truth at the time that she said that.
Is she poly? Probably.
Does she understand that aspect of herself completely yet? No. And she probably won't for years.

I barely have any friends anymore and they are all male. The same best friend I've confided in for years on certain issues I would, but they're busy. Like I said I want her to be the one I go to for depression. So no, I'm not going around for different things from different people. I'm not trying to be snarky, I know it sounds like it but she seems to think we have the same social life when she knows we both don't and still asked if it was a possibility I'd be 'poly' with her. Even if I was in that mindset it probably would be really unequal ya know?

She lied to me, she admitted it when I called her out on it. She said she wanted somebody to confide in and I told her I just wanted honesty and we agreed to that. She told me she could put that part of her away for me, but I always want people to be who they are ya know? I just can't do it and can't handle her with someone else. I told her that and she said "its fine". My issue is, if what you're saying with things being "true in the moment", should I stick around for the day she tells me instead she can't not put it away and she's been seeing someone else and she loves them? I mean really?

How am I supposed to understand though if she doesn't even understand it herself? Thats a paradox. I'm sorry just none of this makes absolute sense whatsoever..?
 
means

On this one I think you could cut your losses. Just READING about it wore me out and made me go "Ugggggh."

I am sorry you've been dealing in this. It sounds so exhausting.

Galagirl
Everything you said makes a lot of sense, especially the "services" part. I've come to the epiphany a lot of human's misery is their own fault, I'm no exception. :( Thanks.
 
Glad it helps you some. I'm sorry it isn't a fun thing for you right now.

It's not your fault she is ill and she's into making messes, drama, lies, and so on. But yeah -- if this is more than you can deal with on top of not actually being compatible dating partners because you want mono and she wants poly...

I wouldn't spent too much time wondering if her poly "counts as real poly" or not. Or wondering if her "truth of the moment" is the "real truth" or what. You do not have control over her illness or her beliefs or her behaviors.

In your shoes? I think you could worry more about getting YOU out of the unhealthy situation and improving YOUR well being. That part you do have control over.

You could end it and move on and be free of this drama.

Galagirl
 
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Hi anarch,

Re (from OP):
"I need to know from people that are actually involved and know about this stuff to please tell me if I'm right or wrong and settle this."

I would need more info before I submitted an opinion. Honestly, it would help if I knew how she acted once she had the go-ahead to be poly. But it would also help if I knew more details/examples about her past behavior.

I have a feeling this poly thing is going to be a deal breaker for you. :(

Sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
Opinions?

My impression is that you're both pretty young and largely inexperienced regards relationships in general. I think the two of you would benefit from bringing really big open minds (and hearts) to lots of prolonged, honest conversations in which you both acknowledge that you're wet behind the ears and blundering through without much knowledge of experience.
 
People get to decide for themselves how they identify. If your girlfriend says she's poly, only she gets to decide that. You get to decide: a) if you are also poly; b) if you're not, whether you can stomach the kind of poly relationship she envisages wanting (whether she offers a 'good' example of poly or a 'bad' one might be up for debate); and c) if you want to remain in any kind of relationship with her at all.

As others have said, it seems like you guys already have your share of incompatibilities and problems, even without the issue of poly. It sounds like you are feeling unfulfilled, and perhaps she is too. I would highlight one thing in what you say though. You wish she were more supportive of your moments of depression, and showed a willingness to get you through those hard times like you always do with her moments of mental ill-health. I wonder if that's actually possible for her, given her own burdens. Dealing with a partner who has depression, and who only wants to confide in one person (you), is really bloody hard, even if you yourself are otherwise healthy and robust. I've been in that position myself, and I found I needed a lot of support just to be someone else's support - and that over time, it really wasn't sustainable without needing to put up some pretty strict emotional boundaries. Eventually, our friendship eroded away as I started to feel more like his therapist than friend. I can imagine that for someone else trying to deal with their own stuff on top of that, it could simply be too draining.

It sounds like you helping her is also draining on you, especially if you're going into it expecting/hoping for reciprocity. It might be easier if you both took a step back and tried to focus more on supporting yourself, or building a network of support (professional and personal), so you're not just dumping it all on one person. In a way, poly can actually help do this for some people. Many people are excited by the idea of having a larger network of loving support, because realistically, it really CAN be hard to take on that responsibility fully and full-time as an individual. What you perceive as her reluctance to engage with you emotionally and be there as your partner, might actually be her being honest that whilst she loves you and cares for you, she cannot be your stalwart, and in fact, would like you to not be her only stalwart too. None of that makes up for her crappy communication though, and if she is serious about pursuing a polyamorous relationship (with or without you) then she needs to overcome that. I wouldn't give up on her or your relationship so easily, because I see a lot of scope for improvements for both of you still. Ultimately though, you have to decide if your heart is still in it, or if the damage done is already irreparable.
 
Sounds like the Wingwalker Rule: "Don't let go of something until you've got hold of something else." Very monogamistic.

I feel it's disingenuous of her to drop the "by the way, I'm poly" turd. In that respect, perhaps you're correct that it's her trump card for getting distance without actually cutting you loose -- yet.

I'm quite leery of even showing interest in someone who hasn't seen me interact with my partners, friends, lovers, & exes. When an (for lack of a better term) outsider actually sees that dynamic, it's an easy step to say "I'm not monogamous" & let her decide whether she's at least curious, or runs screaming for the nearest exit.
 
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