Babies and changes in poly

AnnabelMore

Active member
When someone in a happy poly tangle has a new baby, I think we can all agree that it affects the relationships involved. If you have input on one or more of the thoughts below, please share!

If you've had a baby while ID'ing as poly...
Did you take a break from relationships that weren't with your co-parent? If so, for how long? Do you feel like that was the best choice, looking back?

If not, how, if at all, did your relationships with partners other than your co-parent change? Did you slow down, or did it spur you to get closer faster? If yes to either, why? Did your other partners also help parent, or at least take an active role with the baby? How did that affect your relationship(s) with them?

Did your co-parent's outlook on poly change, and, if so, how did that impact your life?

For people who've been partnered to folks who've had a baby with another partner...
Did you stay together? How did it change your relationship if at all? Did it change your views about parenting? Did you feel you had a special relationship to the child? If so, were there difficulties associated with loving a child not your own? What were the rewards? Would you do it again? If you and that partner broke up, did you maintain a relationship with the child?
 
First off, I did a tag search and found this thread that might be interesting.

If you've had a baby while ID'ing as poly...
Did you take a break from relationships that weren't with your co-parent? If so, for how long? Do you feel like that was the best choice, looking back?
Yes PN and I took a break for about four or five years. We have been together 13. I was poly before I met him, he discovered he was poly when he met me. It was an excellent choice to have LB when we did. Neither of us were with anyone, we had just bought a house and got married, it kinda went along with what everyone does at that time of life, so we did it.

None of our friends were having babies and that was my biggest regret. I would of liked to of developed closer bonds with my friends over babies, but instead it distanced us. We have no family with kids, so no cousins for LB... if our brothers were into babies we could of done that together with them too, but neither of them had babies or ever will I don't think. LB is it in our family! That isn't anything to do with poly though.

Did your other partners also help parent, or at least take an active role with the baby? How did that affect your relationship(s) with them?
Mono co-parents. He is an excellent daddy figure. He is fun, a big kid and injects a ton of humour into our lives. LB has learned lots about how to have a sense of humour from him. I think that is so important to have later in life. He has only enhanced all of our lives and our love for one another deepened the more he committed to our family unit.

Did your co-parent's outlook on poly change, and, if so, how did that impact your life?
Our outlook changed with the arrival of LB and turned into the desire for hunkering down and creating family for him to be part of. That includes his grandparents and uncles as well. I don't know if that will change as he grows and leaves home. It likely will. I expect it all will change when he flies the nest.

For people who've been partnered to folks who've had a baby with another partner...
Did you stay together? How did it change your relationship if at all? Did it change your views about parenting? Did you feel you had a special relationship to the child? If so, were there difficulties associated with loving a child not your own? What were the rewards? Would you do it again? If you and that partner broke up, did you maintain a relationship with the child?
There were other threads that might be interesting and shed more light on this if you look for "kids" "children" "parenting" in a tag search.
 
If you've had a baby while ID'ing as poly...
Did you take a break from relationships that weren't with your co-parent? If so, for how long? Do you feel like that was the best choice, looking back?
My husband and I, did take a break. I had two children when I met him. We didn`t call what we had poly, but 'exclusive swinging with good friends' lol,..anything to avoid the P-word,....:rolleyes:
I cut it off totally. I wasn`t in a very good state of mind as I had just lost a pregnancy at 5 months,..and this was the next pregnancy. So,..I cut everyone out of our life. Absolutely not the best choice. entirely the wrong choice. Those people would of been there for us, and been wonderful to have around. I hurt people I cared about deeply. My grief and fear ruled me. We took a break for over 5 years.


Did your co-parent's outlook on poly change, and, if so, how did that impact your life?

I would say his outlook 'stalled' temporarily, due to children. He had positive memories though. So when he thought about it again a couple of years ago, he wanted to try it. He discovered he isn`t into anything past casual sex right now, but one never knows when things might change. We are the parents of 4 children, and what down-time he has, he doesn`t want to 'waste it' elsewhere. ( his words.)
I think that will change as the children grow. It has affected me, as it was hard for him to figure out why I would even bother with anything past a fwb. He sees it all as to much work.
 
Thanks for your responses, RP and SG! And yeah, there's definitely some good stuff in those old threads. I just like the idea of aggregating people's experiences of this particular aspect of poly parenting into one place.

If anyone hasn't experienced this stuff yet but has something to add (maybe you're pregnant, maybe your partners are trying for a kid, maybe you just think about this stuff a lot) feel free to jump in!

I suppose I should contribute myself, on the "people who've been partnered to folks who've had a baby with another partner" questions...

Did you stay together?

Yes.

How did it change your relationship if at all?

It drastically affected our sex life, in that we stopped having one. :/ The pregnancy, birth and nursing have all been rough on her. We do intend to reestablish physical intimacy in the foreseeable future, though. Also, I think seeing me stick around and help out through this has solidified my partner's trust in me, and I think that I'm closer to both her and my metamour (her husband and co-parent) than I was before.

Did it change your views about parenting?

It's one thing to know it's hard, it's another to realize it close up! Soooo hard and transformative. Also, before I couldn't remotely visualize myself as a parent, now I can even though I'm tnot ready to take that step and don't know if I ever will be.

Did you feel you had a special relationship to the child?

Absolutely, I'm in love with the little guy and I think he likes me too. :) I don't co-parent, but I'm more involved with him than any other adult aside from his parents and his two-days-per-week nanny.

If so, were there difficulties associated with loving a child not your own?

Leading up to the birth and shortly after, I struggled with wondering what my role in his life would be. Now that he's less an idea and more a reality, that question bugs me less... it just is what it is. I do miss him when I don't see him for a while, though, which obviously wouldn't happen if I were co-parenting. I get jealous of the nanny sometimes. :p

What were the rewards?

I'd never known what it's like to bond with a brand new person before. Now even if I never choose to have a child of my own I've gotten to experience that. And it's *awesome*.

Would you do it again?

Yes, with these people. With others, I think I'd be even more careful not to get too involved unless I believed the relationship was strong and would continue, because the idea that if we broke up I might lose the child in my life freaks me out.

If you and that partner broke up, did you maintain a relationship with the child?

Hopefully this won't come up! Would I if it did? Possibly, but it might be too hard. It'd be different if he were old enough to have a relationship of his own with me and would miss me, then I'd make sure to stay in his life if I could.
 
I'm about 7 months pregnant now, so I can't answer all your questions, but I can keep you updated!

I have a wonderful husband and another guy I'm seeing, Sven, with whom I have a relationship best described as a warm friends-with-benefits arrangement.

I have maintained sexual and emotional relationships with both men through my pregnancy. I do wonder what will happen when the baby is born in 7 weeks (give or take!). Many women lose the desire for sex from sheer exhaustion for a few months. I sort of suspect, though, that I might be the sort of woman who will want to re-establish intimacy in some way with my husband pretty early on, even if I can't manage vaginal intercourse because of tearing, etc. But... we'll see!

What will happen with Sven is up in the air. We've had a thing going for awhile, and I'll be pretty heartbroken if he just sort of... drops me because I have a child. I hope that he will still be my good friend at least. I know that I will have less time to pursue Sven in the same way I do now, and that, because of that, our sexual relationship will probably fall by the wayside. He has a roommate that doesn't know about us, making encounters hard to plan already, and having a child will add an extra complication...

We don't have the kind of relationship where he would be expected to co-parent. But I have this fantasy that he will visit me and my baby in the hospital. I don't know if he'll even be in town. I'm giving birth over Christmas, and he has out-of-town family.

Anyway, we'll see. I guess the short answer is that I don't know what will happen with outside relationships when the kid arrives, but that I know two things: a) that I will have less time for them, and b) that I probably won't want them to completely end.
 
Hey MZ, thanks for sharing! Have you told Sven that he's more than welcome to visit you in the hospital and that it's your hope you'll stay close after the birth? If I were him I could imagine not being sure whether my presence would be desired
 
Yeah, I'm going to ask him when he gets back from his business trip in a few days. I'll ask him what his holiday plans are, and then say, hey, if you're still in town when I have my baby, will you visit me in the hospital?
 
Oh, you're right. I try so hard to make the whole thing seem casual and no big deal.
Why would you want to make it casual and no big deal if it is a big deal? If you want this guy to be part of your life in a certain way, why would you not ask for that? If he doesn't want that surely he will let you know?

The way you make it sound is that you aren't even inviting that possibility. What do you have to lose? You could end up right where you are, but you could also create something so much more if he is up for it! Who knows, maybe he is waiting for the go ahead! It sounds to me like the ball is in your court on how much you create a future with him. You are the one having the baby; you and the daddy. He might be waiting respectfully to find out how close he is invited to be while you kinda sluff him off as not being interested.
 
I could see this as a potential freak out situation for the guy. Seeing the child...what if it looks like him..and the million random thoughts that go with that. Perhaps awkward conversations with your husband or other family members. Thoughts of starting his own family etc, etc, etc...the whole thing being some what surreal. Maybe.

Also, from a kids point of view, birthdays on or around the holidays suck , tend to get lumped in ...one cousin (dec 20) and my uncle (dec 27) had that .....so if it's an option to go early or hang on late....might be something to think about or investigate further, talk with folks who are in that boat.
 
I could see this as a potential freak out situation for the guy. Seeing the child...what if it looks like him..and the million random thoughts that go with that. Perhaps awkward conversations with your husband or other family members. Thoughts of starting his own family etc, etc, etc...the whole thing being some what surreal. Maybe.

Also, from a kids point of view, birthdays on or around the holidays suck , tend to get lumped in ...one cousin (dec 20) and my uncle (dec 27) had that .....so if it's an option to go early or hang on late....might be something to think about or investigate further, talk with folks who are in that boat.

Lol, dingedheart! You're so funny! I don't have a say in when my child will be born. I can't "go" early... labour just starts when labour starts, and, even if I could decide what day to go into labour, I certainly wouldn't risk my child's health by having him be several weeks premature just so he could have a designer birthday.

You're right that it could feel weird for Sven to come visit me. But the kid won't look like him. We all know it isn't his--I didn't have sex with him the cycle I conceived, so that's scientifically impossible.

Still, he does want a wife and kids of his own, so I wonder if it might feel bittersweet for him. I guess that answers your question, Redpepper: Sven and I have talked about what he wants long-term, and it isn't this. That's why I try to keep it somewhat casual... although that still means I'm pretty darn affectionate most of the time. :)

Sven has been supportive of my pregnancy. I went over to his house late one night and he'd had a few scotches and he kissed my pregnant tummy and talked to the baby and felt him move. It just touched my heart. So I think that if he was around, he would come and see the baby after all, even if it felt a bit funny for him.

Anyway, I've just derailed Annabel's thread... I'm so sorry! Please, other poly people with kids, feel free to chime in with your experiences. And I'll let you know how it goes in a few months. :)
 
I don't see this as a derailment at all, for the record. :) It may not be direct answers to the original questions, but it's exploring the ways a new baby interacts with existing relationships with people other than the co-parent, so is all good. Let the thread be what it will!
 
MZ, yes I get what you're saying ...but I had client once and she was pregnant and we were going over the calendar and schedule of what needed to be done on the project and it centered around a date she had in her day timer, back in the days of pen an paper. It said " hospital" ...she said she would going in that day ....stupid me thought ...for what?? tests , something unrelated, so I ask ...she says no I'm having the baby that day. I said isn't that a natural process can't be scheduled ...she says yes it is but it 's going to occur on that day. I don't know if they were going to induce or take by C section that day but the kid was born that day. And we were having this conversation 5-6 weeks in front of that date so nothing would surprise me anymore. And I've heard some of mid-wives tales on XYZ so that gives you some insight to my very limited experience and comment.

Also I wasn't thinking in term of actual "paternity" because you said that was impossible I was thinking in terms of just freak out potential.
 
I said isn't that a natural process can't be scheduled ...she says yes it is but it 's going to occur on that day. I don't know if they were going to induce or take by C section that day but the kid was born that day.

Yeah, generally the doc induces labor or schedules a c-section around his golf games, or not to miss a holiday at his weekend house.
 
MZ I hope you don't go on Dec 24 or 25, and if you do, I will be sending companionable mama thoughts to you. It might be a skeleton crew on xmas/eve at the hospital ( I have a friend that happened to... and Daddy needed to go home with their toddler. Although some hosps have double beds to encourage family members to sleep over with you nowadays). I hope you have someone to keep you and baby company the whole time.

If your boyfriend has shown some interest in the pregnancy, I'd warmly encourage him to come to the hospital. If it gets him yearning for a kid himself, well, that might be a good thing for him in the long run. Maybe he'll meet a poly girl and you will be at that birth someday! (i can dream, can't i?)

AB, I am sure how involved an OSO is with her lover and the new baby depends on the specific relationship, some lovers are more involved with the OSO and metamour than others. Were you to break up, you have no legal recourse, but I hope the family would honor your bond with Bee.
 
AB, I am sure how involved an OSO is with her lover and the new baby depends on the specific relationship, some lovers are more involved with the OSO and metamour than others. Were you to break up, you have no legal recourse, but I hope the family would honor your bond with Bee.

Oh absolutely... each relationship is different amd so everyone will do things in a different way. I find each example interesting because it provides a different perspective and a different model. I find it fascinating to see how people's lives differ and/or overlap with mine and each other's.

As for if we were to break up, I wouldn't be involved with them if I didn't trust them, so unless it was somehow a deeply bitter thing I assume there'd be no problem with me staying in Bee's life.
 
I wasn't poly when my toddler was born but I'm hoping to still be part of a trio when the next baby comes. I can tell you, this relationship was given a big assist by my pregnancy hormones. So I hope it lasts past the birth of my daughter.

My hopes for our relationship when the baby comes:
1) Knowing that my husband has another lover will allow me to listen more closely to my body and libido. I won't feel the need to have sex so that he feels attractive and appreciated.
2) Extra hands to help with the myriad things that a newborn, toddler, and postpartum mama need. Especially because my husband will be working full-time rather than having the super flexible schedule of a graduate student this time around.
3) An opportunity to see myself as an adult woman and not just D&B's mommy 100% of the time (we practice attachment parenting, so it can get pretty all-consuming).

I do worry that my husband and I may pull back from K due to sheer exhaustion. I hope that all goes well and that she gets what she needs from the relationship.
 
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