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  #1  
Old 09-01-2014, 11:53 PM
metandwessy metandwessy is offline
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Default Is this cheating and where do I go from here?

So many of you probably have read my other posts and know my history of struggling with my partner's choices in how he pursues other women and who these other women are.

A month ago, I posted about him taking on a female webcam partner and my concerns about not really knowing her, how much time he would be spending (3 days a week) with her and if he would have enough energy for our relationship. That has started to fizzle because he doesn't think she is really serious about webcamming so he posted an ad to craigslist (without talking ot me about it) for a new webcam partner.

He met a woman and skyped with her and then told me he wants to move forward with being her webcam partner. He offered to compromise by allowing the 3 of us to meet in person so I would feel more comfortable with the whole arrangement. We met her, she seemed fine but I was still resentful about how he went about meeting her and the fact that now he has TWO webcam partners when I wasn't even comfortable with the first one.

The first time with his new webcam partner was last Tuesday. I asked if we could make time afterwards to process what happened before we had to go to his parents house that same night. He was not happy about having to cut his date short with this new woman but he agreed to come home a half an hour earlier than he planned. However, he was late because after they stopped camming (at the time he would have needed to stop to get home on time) he decided that he wanted to get off with her.

I was very hurt and angry that this happened this way. He defended himself and said that he didn't feel he did anything wrong and that he planned to cam again with her 2 days later on Thursday. We had some long talks and he agreed to wait a little bit longer than that.

He was supposed to cam with his other partner on Saturday and I planned to go out of town to hang out with some old friends. He then texted me and told me that the person he planned to cam with cancelled so he was going to cam with the new girl. I got upset about this but we couldn't really talk because I was out of town. He tried to set something up with her but she wasn't really getting back to him so he texted me and said he was embarrassed by how desperately he was trying to make something happen and he was going to meditate and go to bed.

I have some creepy intuition (A few days before this night, I actually had the thought that he was going to go over to this woman's house when I was at work or out of town and I would never know) and I felt like checking his messages. This is not completely out of line as we have each others' passwords and both sometimes do this out of curiosity. I looked at his messages about an hour and a half after he said he was going to bed and she had texted him back. They made arrangements for him to come over there and fuck off cam just for fun or "practice". He didn't let me know at all and didn't plan to until I came home.

I tried to call him before he was at her house and texted him to let him know that I knew what was happening. He saw the messages (I later found out) and decided to proceed with fucking her. I also texted her. After he left he didn't even contact me (this happened the last time I was out of town when he fucked a woman I was really uncomfortable with too) until the woman called and texted him for me telling him he should contact his girlfriend (me). If she wouldn't have done this, I imagine it would have been the same situation as last time where I was waiting until the next morning to talk to him.

Then he texted me and basically didn't apologize at all and said that what he did was not unreasonable because he knew I would just be upset and he didn't want to deal with my reaction or ruin my weekend.

When I got home he apologized and acknowledged that he broke our agreement and seemed to actually feel bad about it. But then later he joked about it and said that even though he cheated it was not that bad and also he's planning to cam with this same woman again on Friday in addition to other days this week with his other partner.

I don't know what to do! I've lost a lot of trust and don't feel that he is really accepting responsibility or willing to make amends. Seems like all I can do is take care of myself and decide if this is acceptable to me. Any advice?

Last edited by metandwessy; 09-01-2014 at 11:57 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-02-2014, 12:01 AM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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If it were me I would move on. You need to learn to love & respect yourself so you don't allow anyone else to treat you like this ever again. There are lots of things I'm willing to work on in a relationship. Being lied to isn't one of those things. This man isn't practicing ethical anything!!! His behavior is completely unacceptable.
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  #3  
Old 09-02-2014, 12:04 AM
metandwessy metandwessy is offline
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Thanks Emmy, I've decided that I don't want to completely move on yet because I feel there is still more for me to learn in this situation. I'm curious my part in it and why I continue to repeat these patterns in my life. I do agree that he is not being ethical and I want to know how to talk to him about it and ask for what I need.
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Old 09-02-2014, 12:10 AM
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metandwessy View Post
Thanks Emmy, I've decided that I don't want to completely move on yet because I feel there is still more for me to learn in this situation. I'm curious my part in it and why I continue to repeat these patterns in my life. I do agree that he is not being ethical and I want to know how to talk to him about it and ask for what I need.
It seems as if you have already tried that and had it thrown in your face. I'm not sure there is anything you can do to change that. He knew your need for boundaries around this situation. He completely ignored them AND lied to you about where he was going/what he was doing. You can't force him to respect you. He either does or he does not.
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:23 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You can learn about your relationship patterns with the next guy.

You are basically incompatible. You believe that you should approve of who and how he hooks up with other women, for some reason, and he objects but then agrees halfheartedly to some of your demands, and then lies to you and hides what he's doing to get what he wants, later laughing it off. I am someone who feels that one of the main purposes of relationships is to learn about ourselves, but not at our own expense! I would hard-pressed to see what else you could possibly learn from this situation. What sense does it make to be constantly in turmoil?

The title you gave this thread asks, "Is this cheating?" Well, who cares what it's called? You are unhappy... and that fact should help you see the answer to the next part of your title.

Honey, find your backbone. That will teach you more than trying to hang onto the shreds of a dead relationship ever will.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-02-2014 at 01:26 AM.
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:03 AM
bluemerle bluemerle is offline
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I am new to this but it sounds like he has no respect for you and the decisions that the two of you have made.

He is blatantly disregarding them and then coming back to you saying "oh well".

As for your part and why you want to stay and learn. I am not sure, but it is a something lots of women do. They don't want to give up. Maybe the fact is that you may need more from him than he is able to give you and you just learn how to deal with the control that he has over your life. It doesn't sound like a fair way to go. I would think that there are other guys out there that may be able to fulfill your needs much better than this guy.
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  #7  
Old 09-02-2014, 02:38 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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You don't have to be in the middle of the situation to learn from it. In fact, it may be better for you to distance yourself from him while you do learn about it, so you're not being yanked around, having to constantly react when you'd rather be thinking about your relationship patterns.

He makes agreements, then breaks them, either lying to you or brazenly telling you that he doesn't care about how you feel. What on earth are you getting out of this relationship at this point, except used?
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  #8  
Old 09-02-2014, 11:49 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Agreeing with what the others have said.

You aren't as likely to learn from the situation while you're *in* it. You're continually being hurt, lied to, etc. Every time you think you're getting a handle on the "lesson," something else will happen that you have to deal with, and you're not going to have time to process.

Step away. Give yourself time to heal emotionally. With distance and time, you'll recognize whatever you might be meant to learn from this, but learning doesn't mean putting yourself through continual pain.
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  #9  
Old 09-03-2014, 11:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am so sorry you struggle with this right now.

Quote:
I've lost a lot of trust and don't feel that he is really accepting responsibility or willing to make amends. Seems like all I can do is take care of myself and decide if this is acceptable to me. Any advice?
Yes. Could Listen to your own bottom line and answer the question. Is this treatment acceptable to you? I am guessing not since you posted about it. Does not sound like joyous "YES! Hooray! Totally acceptable and loving ' it!" to me.

I know moving on is not what you want either but there is no "win-lose" here to me. Is seem a more like "all options stink, which is least stinky?"

I think removing yourself from it is less stinky because then he isn't dinging you any more. Let's you heal once and for all rather than constantly dinged.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2014 at 11:19 PM.
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