Depression and Polyamory

Lucianna

New member
I'm part of a quad relationship that is relatively new, and one of the members of the quad has chronic depression. Other then medication and professional guidance how can the quad best support this person?

I'm happy to give more detail for anyone who may have positive advice for us. However, I’m not sure what information would be the most helpful.
 
hey there depression is a clinical disease, and the best thing you can do for this person is help to keep them on a positive path. You can help them by doing little things for them to show that you care, many times with depression the person also has lower self esteem, so this may help to make them feel wanted and loved.

As for what you can specifically to for them why don't you ask him/her if there is anything they would like to see you do. Tell them you love them and if they need anything that you are there and reinterate it when ever you can/want to. Also stay on top of what medication they are taking and be sure to ask about how their appointments went (no different then you would with someone who has a heart condition). With the medication many people who have depression tend to take themselves off the meds when they feel better, so if this happens encourage your partner to continue taking his/her medication and seeing the doctor because the symptoms will return with out it and then you are in the same boat.

if you see that they are having a down day then just try to cheer them up with a loving simple gesture. remember it doesn't have to be huge to turn the day around, just a simple note in a lunch u made them for work, or a text saying your thinking of them, a flower you picked on your walk with the dog, stuff like that does so much to help someone who thinks negatively. Just remember that this isn't something that they can entirely control and stay patient and loving. These are the best things I can advise you, but most of them would be things I would do in any relationship not just one with a depressed person.

Best Wishes
Amy :D
 
Depression.

Yoga. Jogging. Detox and diet. Depression is a physical reality, so I approach it from a physical standpoint. Hard to feel great if you're not sleeping, eating or moving your body in a healthy way! Hard to feel crappy when you're exercising, eating delicious and nutritious food and taking time to detox and relax the body! Best of luck, depression is a dog from hell.
 
Here is an article i have shared with both my partners. http://www.lifescript.com/health/ce...cebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=depression

Another thing to offer is if your partner would like someone to go with them to appointments. Sometimes it's nice just to have someone there with them. If your partner is on medication they might need to talk to the doctor about it, how it's working or not and might need help remembering to take it. The problem with depression is it affects pretty much everything. I forget things, and have a hard time with motivation.

If you want to talk privately please feel free to message me. I've been dealing with depression as long as I can remember, and have worked hard to be self aware enough to discuss how I'm doing with my partners. I've recently gone on a new medication that is an amazing difference from all the different 'cocktails' I've been on in the past, but there's still things I am careful of and trying to be self aware of when communicating. There's also lots of little things that DH and I have learned are helpful or needed in helping deal with it.
 
polywindsor said:
These are the best things I can advise you, but most of them would be things I would do in any relationship not just one with a depressed person.

I would include friendships, family, whoever I care about. I find it is important for people to separate themselves from this idea that their relationship is a "thing". For example, "the quad" is not an actual thing, that's just four people who currently love each other and are sharing certain aspects of their lives. Putting the external pressure of "well now we're a quad which means we relate to each other as a quad" is problematic.

OP: I don't know anything about your situation and you might have just used "the quad" as shorthand to describe "me and her other loved ones" but for the sake of the other readers I thought I'd make the clarification.

Yoga. Jogging. Detox and diet. Depression is a physical reality, so I approach it from a physical standpoint. Hard to feel great if you're not sleeping, eating or moving your body in a healthy way! Hard to feel crappy when you're exercising, eating delicious and nutritious food and taking time to detox and relax the body! Best of luck, depression is a dog from hell.

I like this approach BP. In the unfortunate periods of my life when I discover that I'm feeling depressed it is always enforced by how I'm living my life. Meaning, I realize I haven't been outside in a while, that I haven't gotten any exercise, that I've eaten nothing but stale Cheerios for the last 4 days... once I change a few of these really unfortunate situations I invariably find that my mood improves.

That is not to say that there aren't some mental conditions which require additional chemical input to address, but ignoring the fact that the body is a machine which responds to what we give it would be a mistake.
 
Just an FYI, telling someone with diagnosed chronic or severe depression that they need to get out more or exercise to feel better is about the same as saying, "Buck up!" It typically has a negative affect rather than a positive one.

Yeah, exercise and getting out more helps, but depression isn't just being sad. So rather than say 'hey do some yoga, exercise, be physically fit and you'll feel better!' Offer to go for a walk together or do something together. Motivation is an issue when depressed and even as often as you see articles on it and how mental illness is still stigmatized yet talked about, people don't understand it and I get people are trying to be helpful and upbeat to help the person that is depressed but many times it is going to backfire. We don't need to be reminded that for everyone else it's a matter of 'bucking up.'
 
Just an FYI, telling someone with diagnosed chronic or severe depression that they need to get out more or exercise to feel better is about the same as saying, "Buck up!" It typically has a negative affect rather than a positive one.

Yeah, exercise and getting out more helps, but depression isn't just being sad. So rather than say 'hey do some yoga, exercise, be physically fit and you'll feel better!' Offer to go for a walk together or do something together. Motivation is an issue when depressed and even as often as you see articles on it and how mental illness is still stigmatized yet talked about, people don't understand it and I get people are trying to be helpful and upbeat to help the person that is depressed but many times it is going to backfire. We don't need to be reminded that for everyone else it's a matter of 'bucking up.'

It would be a little insensitive to say 'buck up' to someone with depression. It's a good thing no one here has said it!

Recognizing the reality that the body is essentially an organic machine and that it responds to what it is given is merely stating a fact, it's not a judgment or some kind of statement of how you someone should live their life. How one chooses to go about utilizing that fact is up to them. You would recommend asking someone if they want to join you for a walk... awesome idea!
 
Yoga. Jogging. Detox and diet. Depression is a physical reality, so I approach it from a physical standpoint. Hard to feel great if you're not sleeping, eating or moving your body in a healthy way! Hard to feel crappy when you're exercising, eating delicious and nutritious food and taking time to detox and relax the body!

This may be true for someone who is trying to get past occasional times of feeling down or sad, but it wouldn't really help to tell that to a person with chronic depression. When one is chronically depressed, the fact that exercise and moving the body might feel good is not very likely going to be enough of a motivation to actually get up and do it. For me, something has to click inside my head to prompt me to do something that will make me feel better. We all know what's good for us, but oftentimes when you're deeply depressed, knowing what you could be doing or should be doing and how much better you would feel if you got up and did some yoga (or whatever), only makes the depression worse. There's a step in there between being depressed and doing something about it - that click.

If wanting to feel better and being relaxed was enough, chronic depression wouldn't be much of an issue. Every depressed person wishes they felt better. We just feel too stuck, lethargic, hopeless, and unmotivated to get out of it. Plenty of times, somebody had told me, "You have a gym membership, go use it - you'll feel so much better!", so I got dressed in my workout clothes, sat down on my coach to tie the laces on my sneakers, and soon became lost in my thoughts of how shitty my life was, only to wind up laying down and going to sleep instead of going out to exercise. Life in general is tiresome when you are chronically depressed.

And yes, I agree with Vixtoria that asking someone to take a walk with you, or go grocery shopping, visit a museum, etc., is a much better way to motivate someone to get out in the fresh air and move their body, than to try only verbally encouraging the depressed person to do something we think would be fun or energizing. Lots of times, being around people really helps, especially if the depression makes one tend to isolate, and not wanting to disappoint someone will get me out of myself. But it's tricky because you need to be compassionate without being pushy when trying to encourage someone to go out with you.
 
Last edited:
Since I do not suffer from clinical depression, I found this an interesting take on understanding it:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.

I have (a couple years back) gotten to the point where I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and started to emotionally drop out, which she sort of alludes to in the beginning, but I didn't go that far down the hole. All I know is, if that's just the beginning (maybe it's not?) then there's a whole lot to depression that a pick-me-up can't fix. My sympathies for those who struggle with it.
 
Last edited:
I suffer from clinical depression.
I know what things I need to do.
But-in the midst of it-I am unable to self-motivate.

Someone telling me "you should go for a walk today" does nothing.
Someone asking "would you like to go for a walk today" does nothing.
Someone saying, "come on, lets go for a walk today" does something-it triggers a completely different part of my brain and even if I don't want to-I am compelled to "follow the instruction". Which-does do something.

I found the hyperbole and a half write up on depression extremely spot on and would suggest those who haven't suffered from depression to read it several times over.

Also: I wrote a post delineating stages of depression (that do not fall in an order-but can happen at any time in any order) with explanations last year. Maybe it can help with understanding too.

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2012/08/02/what-is-this-darkness-inside/

If you have questions or thoughts-feel free to pm me or email me via the blogpost.
 
Someone telling me "you should go for a walk today" does nothing.
Someone asking "would you like to go for a walk today" does nothing.
Someone saying, "come on, lets go for a walk today" does something-it triggers a completely different part of my brain and even if I don't want to-I am compelled to "follow the instruction". Which-does do something.

Wow, I never thought of it this way before, but it's the same with me. I didn't know how to express it, which is why I said it can be tricky for the person trying to motivate someone. But yes, if someone asks me to get up and go do something with them, I could easily say no, but most likely I would say yes just to appease them, somehow leaving room in my mind for me to opt out, or knowing already that I will tell them later I changed my mind and can't go. But if it's more of a command or an expectation, and I know someone will be here ringing my doorbell or waiting somewhere for me to show up, something different clicks and I'm more motivated to go.
 
Yep-
I find that when I'm struggling with depression, almost all questions that require a decision default to a "screw it" place in my brain that results in-nothing happening.
Maca has actually found that making the most of D/s during these times is very helpful to me. He simply calls me by the pet name he uses for D/s and gives a gentle instruction "it's time to walk" or "it's time for our workout" or "it's time to eat" etc. I will auto-pilot "obey".

On the otherhand, GG is NOTORIOUSLY passive and he tends to be the "Bebe? Would you like to ______?" and when I'm struggling with depression-the response is silence.


In my head the way it goes is something like this:

1)A question arises-
2)my brain feels overwhelmed and begins to shut down systems
3)my eyes see that someone needs a response
4)my mouth responds to their need with the only "sensible" response while my brain is in meltdown mode "no"
5)i sit on my ass and do nothing

whereas-if an instruction is given
my brain doesn't get overwhelmed-it just follows the instruction blindly without thought allowing me to follow out the instructed activity.

(I realize how idiotic that all sounds-but I'm trying to describe what it feels like as realistically and simply as possible for people who haven't experienced it)
 
Yep-
In my head the way it goes is something like this:

1)A question arises-
2)my brain feels overwhelmed and begins to shut down systems
3)my eyes see that someone needs a response
4)my mouth responds to their need with the only "sensible" response while my brain is in meltdown mode "no"
5)i sit on my ass and do nothing

whereas-if an instruction is given
my brain doesn't get overwhelmed-it just follows the instruction blindly without thought allowing me to follow out the instructed activity.

Wow! That's not idiotic in all, just the contrary. It totally explains some behaviour that has always baffled me in some people I relate to that do indeed suffer from depression.

Thanks for this.
 
whereas-if an instruction is given
my brain doesn't get overwhelmed-it just follows the instruction blindly without thought allowing me to follow out the instructed activity.

It's slightly different for me. If I hear something as an instruction, I am more likely to rebel and not do it. But if I feel like someone will be disappointed in me, or goes to any trouble to be with me, I'll be more likely to go or do it. It's like I need to be motivated by someone else's needs rather than my own.
 
Since I do not suffer from clinical depression, I found this an interesting take on understanding it:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html



I have (a couple years back) gotten to the point where I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and started to emotionally drop out, which she sort of alludes to in the beginning, but I didn't go that far down the hole. All I know is, if that's just the beginning (maybe it's not?) then there's a whole lot to depression that a pick-me-up can't fix. My sympathies for those who struggle with it.


I have recommended those a lot. I have not been depressed, but the first person to show them to me was diagnosed.
 
The problem is, if you have been long term diagnosed, you do, at some point (usually) figure out how to function. The problem being on a bad day, you can't think to do any of those things!

On god days, I multi task. I can read several books at once, I listen to music while cleaning, and cooking, and doing laundry! I do writing, I do graphics, I want to go for walks, I want to do things with people!

On normal days, it's a matter of making myself take the first step. On normal or low days it's impossible to motivate to do anything! You don't want to get out of bed, you don't want to sleep, you aren't tired, you just can't move. It's like a heavy black cloud at the back of your head, always trying to spread and take over your mind. I feel myself pulling away, getting distant. Like you are just along for the ride in your body, an observer, as things happen around you. You are aware, sure, but interact? Oh wait, did you want an answer to something?

A program I had to do at one point was to make a list. Even if it was only mental. No way I can function today. Okay, so you don't function. Fine, no one is asking you to. How about, you just get out of bed and go to the bathroom? That's all. You don't have to do anything else. Hey, now that you're out of bed, what about getting food? Just grab something to eat. That's all. No big right? Oh hey, now that you've actually eaten, no reason to get BACK in bed so why not go ahead and get dressed? You don't have to actually do any chores or go anywhere, just get dressed!

It's step by step. Don't think beyond this step or it will be overwhelming. Some days you can get a lot done like that! Some days you don't get past eating. On a good day I love a long hot bubble bath! On a bad day just the idea of getting into a bath or a shower turns me off. It's a change, it's a shock to the system, the water, the colder or warmer. The soap, I just can't. So you don't.

Having someone around that understands and can help without being controlling, which makes you feel like crying! Or too peppy, which again makes you feel worse. Just a simple, Hey, you said you wanted a shower or bath yesterday, you didn't take one. You haven't today either. Tell you what, I will run the hot bath FOR you okay? Nope, nothing else you need to do tonight, I'll run the bath, can get you your favorite fluffy towel, got a hot water bottle in bed for you so you can just go straight to bed after if you want!

My brain literally freezes. It is so very much in the NOW that I hear what you say, and the word itself is almost visible in my brain, but the meaning, not quite there, and I certainly am not invested enough to think that the word has any meaning. I'm nodding, and asking obvious questions, or to repeat because it's gone as soon as it's said.

It has been, literally, a constant struggle. To know that every single day it is anywhere from twice as hard to ten times as hard for me to do even the simplest things that for everyone else, is just normal and easy and done without thought. Some days, knowing that it's that hard, that it will never get easier is too much. Just for now it's harder, you tell yourself, just for now, just for today, not forever. To try and get through it. But sometimes, it does feel like forever, and drugs? They work, yay! Then you build up a tolerance and a new cocktail needs to be found. So you start all over.

From the outside, people say what they think will help, but until your mind is in that place, where it's stuck, where you can't find the word you KNOW you know, when you feel like your thoughts can't possibly be expressed as well as you are capable of, you have no idea how dark it is and how that simple advice you offer is horribly out of reach and just knowing that makes you feel that much more defective.
 
The problem is, if you have been long term diagnosed, you do, at some point (usually) figure out how to function. The problem being on a bad day, you can't think to do any of those things!



On normal days, it's a matter of making myself take the first step.
On normal or low days it's impossible to motivate to do anything!
You don't want to get out of bed, you don't want to sleep, you aren't tired, you just can't move. It's like a heavy black cloud at the back of your head, always trying to spread and take over your mind. I feel myself pulling away, getting distant. Like you are just along for the ride in your body, an observer, as things happen around you. You are aware, sure, but interact? Oh wait, did you want an answer to something?


On a bad day just the idea of getting into a bath or a shower turns me off.

Having someone around that understands and can help without being controlling, which makes you feel like crying!

Or too peppy, which again makes you feel worse.

My brain literally freezes.

It has been, literally, a constant struggle.

To know that every single day it is anywhere from twice as hard to ten times as hard for me to do even the simplest things that for everyone else, is just normal and easy and done without thought.


your mind is in that place, where it's stuck,
where you can't find the word you KNOW you know.
I kept the lines that struck me personally-things I experience regularly, often, daily.

Wow! That's not idiotic in all, just the contrary. It totally explains some behaviour that has always baffled me in some people I relate to that do indeed suffer from depression.

Thanks for this.
You're welcome. *blush*
 
If they are depressed and on meds & in therapy, I'd say the meds aren't working. He/she either needs new meds or an add'l med. Meds aren't the whole story, so perhaps there is an underlying issue that needs to be resolved in therapy. If the current treatments aren't working, there needs to be a change. No amount of love & support will help if an underlying issue isn't being addressed.

fyi...I'm going to Grad school for Mental Health Counseling
 
If they are depressed and on meds & in therapy, I'd say the meds aren't working. He/she either needs new meds or an add'l med. Meds aren't the whole story, so perhaps there is an underlying issue that needs to be resolved in therapy. If the current treatments aren't working, there needs to be a change. No amount of love & support will help if an underlying issue isn't being addressed.

fyi...I'm going to Grad school for Mental Health Counseling



Sadly there isn't always an underlying issue to deal with. I would recommend the book, The Body Remembers, but it's incredibly dry and meant for those in the research side not so much the people actually dealing with depression. To sum up, the idea is quite simply that we adjust to what works. So if there were problems, say in childhood, your brain adapts. We've probably all heard the stories of a baby that doesn't cry in an abusive household because even as an infant they know not to make noise. Those things, affect your brain chemistry.

For example, this book was brought up to us because at this point, self awareness, medication and my own internal work is my best bet. I don't remember my childhood. After years of therapy and in patient as well as out patient, it was decided I probably never will. However, because of things that have happened, it has changed my brain chemistry. Permanently. So medication is needed. I can go off meds, and have, for long periods. I can learn to handle and deal, but I never have a day I'm not struggling.

Read, there are plenty of books that help, talk to a therapist that can help you work through what you need to, there are even some great visualizations that you can use, I listen to before bed, to help purge emotions that get stuck. In the end though, it is the work of the individual and support is helpful. Essential really.

Also, find a counselor with some real experience, with the heavier stuff. Schizophrenia, in patient work, that kind of thing. You learn a lot in school, and in books, but being around those with problems, actually having watched a sweet caring person go down the hill of schizophrenia and the drastic change, can't be explained in research or books. It's another thing where hands on is a huge difference.
 
Then vs. Now

Totally haven't been keeping up on this thread! My posting came out of my personal experience. I was clinically depressed for years in my teens; they tried me on every anti-depressent, I was seeing psychiatrists and psychologists, sat under 'happy lights' for an hour a day, etc. For me, it took realizing that I, and only I, was 'in charge' of my moods, life, happiness and health, and that only I could make the decision to find new tools and ways of being and utilize them.

I read a lot of books, I found a cognitive psychologist, I changed my diet, my exercise routine and consequently my life. I connected with ways of thinking that made me feel good, instead of awful. It didn't happen quickly, and I fucked up a lot with consistency, but me then vs. me now? Night and day. I used to spend days cloistered in my room chain smoking cigarettes and wasting away on the interwebz, listening to The Smiths and crying a lot. Now when I have those days (I no longer smoke, and find The Smiths make me smile now), I wallow for a couple of hours to respect that part of myself, and then I do just as someone else was mentioning - I con myself into making breakfast and coffee, I wheedle myself into the shower, and I choose an activity or goal that will take me out of the house, out of my head, and into the world. It does work in small increments when life feels like a lead weight on your chest/mind/heart.

Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has also really changed my life. Remembering and giving creedence to how incredibly lucky I am on a global scale has done a lot to get rid of some of the internal dialogue that kept me paralyzed in unhappiness for years. Instead of Why Me? in a negative sense, it's now Why Me? in how lucky I am to be able to turn on the tap and drink water out of it when scores of human beings die from waterborne illness every day. I'm not saying that depression isn't an illness too, but part of the solution for me was shifting my psychology to really internalize how blessed and lucky I am, even at the very worst emotional times in my life. I start my morning off with a gratitude session where I "pray" which to me, involves recognizing the people that I love, and saying thank you for things in my life - a comfortable bed in a safe home, partners who love me, my dogs, etc. etc. When I talk to myself about the good things in my life, it gives a certain spin to my day that isn't otherwise there.

I also give myself permission to restart my day at any time. If things start getting shitty, I can stop, take a cup of tea outside, and mentally reset the dialogue that is starting to make life feeling unmanageable. Life is what it is, but my attitude can change the way that I process it, and only I am responsible for that.

We're all on our own path, and having been plagued with self hating behaviour when I was younger (eating disorders, drug abuse, smoking, self mutilation, suicide attempts, resulting time in the psych ward, abusive relationships and the resulting depression) has given me a richer, deeper understanding of hardwon happiness in my own life. I changed my life step by step, and changed myself step by step. It isn't easy, and it took a long time for me to forgive myself and start really learning to love myself, but I'm getting there.
 
Last edited:
Back
Top