Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

I also have preferences but I don't make them rules. I will go out with short, tall, thin, or overweight, short hair, long hair, or no hair. I don't like kissing smokers, but I have dated them, too. I am certainly drawn more to specific types but won't rule out other types completely -- because it's the person that's more important to me.

TL, that fact remains that you are always complaining about how hard it is for you to meet any women, and how much easier it is for women to meet men, as if it was a general statement of fact. But even if you will consider someone who is outside of your very narrow ideal, putting those specifications in your profile severely limits who will contact you -- so therefore, you should amend your statements about how hard it is for you to include the fact that you are super picky.

In my OKC profile, I say "I am attracted to a variety of physical types" and my age range is 36 to 62. That is ALL I say about physical attributes I am seeking. Everything else I specify that I am looking for is about personality traits. I see who contacts me, see who comes up in a search and let the person's profile or message to me influence whether or not I might be interested. If they write intelligently, show a good sense of humor, and don't seem to be solely focused on sex or finding The One, AND there is something about their looks that attracts me, even if not within my normal preferences, they have a chance. I was just looking at a profile today of a quite overweight bald guy - but he has beautiful eyes and a friendly smile, plus his profile is a fun read.

If there was a woman as picky as you are and put that in her profile, she would have as much of a hard time getting any responses as you do. But don't think that just because women might seem to you to get more responses that all those responses are good ones. We still have to weed out, believe me, but if we're not somewhat loose about what we're looking for in the first place, then... well, not many responses come our way! And ultimately it is just as difficult to find someone suitable. It does get tedious, but I would rather have more duds to choose from than to limit who will respond to my profile in the first place.

No one's saying you should relax your criteria, although you might be happier if you try. Just stop complaining about it as if your specifications have nothing to do with it.
 
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So cindie, you're saying that, in a huge metropolis such as Tampa, I should have hundreds of women who are a match for me? Well, sadly this simply is not true. Sometimes, I wish I were unscrupulis enough to actually post some of the pictures of the women who are "matches" in my area.

Oddly enough, one of the women in my area who is a match, I know personally. She is poly. In fact, she and I are a 94% match on OKC. Almost a higher match percentage than my wife and I are. She is a VERY nice person. She has a HUGE heart, and a wonderful personality. I actually met her through HERE. But physically, I am simply NOT attracted to her, and could never picture myself and her doing anything sexually together. We get along fine, and have decent conversations, but there are certain things that I simply can't get over. and her physical atributes are not all of them.

I have a MUCH smaller pool of people to choose from than most women do. Why? Because most women will make concessions in their "requirements", while I simply will not. I can't STAND people who smoke. Therefore, it is a requirement that women who I date, do not smoke. The smell of cigarettes makes me sick...litterally. So it's not something I can get over. Oddly enough, I used to smoke. Weird huh? Weight is a simple estimation. I have a body type that I'm attracted to. Some women may weigh a bit more, some a bit less. But I can't change what I'm physically attracted to. Hell, why should I? In an attempt to make concessions to make it possible to date someone? No, I had standards when I met my wife...and guess what....There was no such thing as internet dating sites when we met. We found each other. Internet dating simply adds to your possible dating pool. And for me, it doesn't add much to it. Although, I DID date one of the women who is a match for me on OKC. She was nice in the beginning....Then my wife and I found out she was a cowgirl. And once we figured that out, she actually dumped us, saying that she and my wife simply couldn't get along. There were no real obvious issues, but eh...Whatever.


You all have your criteria for dating people...I have mine. Most of you are very flexible on who you will consider dating. Which, to me, indicates that either you don't know what you are looking for, or are too desperate to care, or some other thing which I can't figure out. Maybe most of you are just a LOT more open than I am. But none of you are willing to accept the challenge. All you can do is try to make it about me. Yay me. :rolleyes:
 
I just don't get you. You're talking about opposite sex relationships, so if women aren't as picky ("most women will make concessions in their "requirements", while I simply will not") that means men have a higher chance to find someone who will have them. Yet you use it as a reason why females will find more people and men won't.
Then you say you're picky, and somehow it means you won't find people but women will?

If a woman is less picky and finds someone as a result, that someone finds her too. If that someone is picky and won't have her, then she did not find someone, she had someone she was interested it who wasn't interested back, which is something you seemed to say happens to men all the time and rarely if ever to women.

So which is it? You seem to argue something and its opposite. The way I see it, you have the requirements you have, that's not an issue, but then you need to take responsibility for how it makes it harder to find someone. I want someone who is poly or fine with it, that makes it harder to find someone. But that's not anyone's fault but mine since it's my requirement.
 
T not only generalizes about "all women" but he also makes the assumption that all men share his experiences with this sort of thing.

It's not a "women this, men that" issue. It's something peculiar to the way T approaches things. As other folks have said, there is nothing wrong with having preferences for certain physical characteristics, but don't blame your self-circumscribed dating-pool on the people YOU pre-emptively reject.
 
Im not against online dating. I met my husband online. However I wouldnt want to do strictly online dating. But as a way to meet ppl then see where it goes, I dont see an issue with it.
 
I still don't really understand what the challenge is. I happen to know almost everyone over 80% match on OKC in person anyway (and did even before I joined up, through the local poly group).
 
What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble

I'll never fall in love again

What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, he'll never phone ya

I'll never fall in love again

Don't tell me what it's all about
Cuz I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind ya
That is why I'm here to remind ya

What do you get when you give your heart?
You get it all broken up and battered
That's what you get,
A heart that's shattered

I'll never fall in love again

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
(So, for at least until tomorrow)
I'll never fall in love again
 
Got two lovely <cough, cough!> messages from guys on OKC today. Here they are:

Hi
You are some one I could have fun with ,and injoy life with,if think the same message me back .read my essay it all there plain and simple.

Aww, he could have fun and "injoy" life with me! While we work on his spelling and punctuation. Isn't that special! <grumble>

The next one:

Maybe I can cook for u and play backgammon
I Am good at it too

Okay, at least he shows that he read my profile, because I say I'm good at backgammon and don't cook much because my kitchen's so small, BUT come on, what kind of message is this?! Not only are there no periods at the end of his sentences, but he doesn't say anything substantial. Introduce yourself, make me want to check your profile out.

Lame.
 
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Here's my latest winner:

hi there....how r u doing....liked reading thru ur profile n wud love to know more of u..maybe wea can make a early start with both of us onIM now...

From New Delhi, India. :rolleyes:
 
All I'd have to say is, put your lingam in my yoni, and he'd be a happy Hindu, I'm sure.

No racism meant. Just the idea I am dying to cyber with a guy 7000 miles away. Just noticed he's married as well. Oy!
 
I re-activated myt account about 3 weeks ago. I have had ZERO messages. :( I have sent out five. I have gotten zero responses. :( Boo hoo. Out of the five I've messaged, four have at least looked at my profile. Out of those four, I think my wife said that 2 have looked at HER profile also. So people ARE checking me out. I just may not be what thye are looking for...or something.

An example of my last message out to someone:
Hello! If you have found a special someone already, that's fine. I noticed you haven't been on OkCupid since April 4th or so, so I'm hoping it's just that you lost interest in the site. But....I was wondering if you might be interested in checking out my profile and seeing if you think we might click? I have the same issue with keeping house plants alive...However, I have two teen kids....and they are still alive....soooo....Yeah. LOL Anyway, hit me up sometime. TTYL
Pointers? She has not been online to check out the e-mail or anything else that I can see, but pointers would be helpful.
 
You start with a negative. Your second line is a negative. You aren't talking to her about her, you are setting yourself up for her to not be interested.

Imagine walking into a bar, up to a girl and saying "hey pretty lady here is a drink, I know you won't be interested in hanging out with me because you are leaving the bar at 9pm but who knows right, you might like something I say"

Online dating, meh, I suck ass at talking to people to pick them up. I have no balls.. in person, conversation is a two way, engaging street. Strike up a conversation (ideally about something in their profile), don't shoot them down before they even read a message.

You are asking them to read your profile, you are asking them to tell you if you might click, you are asking them to find a reason to talk to you. Try reading their profile, if something clicks for YOU.. you try and strike up conversation with them.
 
TL, I agree with Ari. While you do show a sense of humor, which is good, you wait to do it 'til all the way at the END of your message! And the beginning just sounds like a bit of a downer ("oh well, you probably already found someone, you haven't been here in a while, maybe you're not interested anymore..."). And it does come off as more about you than about what you saw in her profile that attracted you.

I will share some messages I got recently, both of which I answered because they had a nice lighthearted feel to them, though confident as well, and they made it obvious that they had read my profile. The first is from Burnsy with whom I have now started an online/LDR relationship and am planning to meet in person in a few weeks:
Oh, yours is a good read. I love what you wrote about love, possession, exclusivity, and attachment.

I don't go to New York as much as I used to. Sometimes I think I am over it, and other times I can't get enough.

That said, who knows where a few messages might lead? At the very least, some good conversation. From little acorns...

Right off the bat, he complimented my profile, and mentioned how he related to things I'd written. I wrote back the same day (after I checked out his profile), thanked him for his kind words, said a few things about the town he lives in, and told him I'd love to continue a conversation with him. His next message was pretty long and talked mostly about him. But he broke the ice with his first message by talking about my profile and how he connected to it.

The next one starts off the way it does because he saw that I had checked his profile out, and then took the time to write me:
How nice that such a special lady viewed my profile! ;-) Thanks for looking.

I admire how you express yourself, and identify with much of what you are about. I'm not in the exact same place, but I can certainly relate to lot of what you write.

So, just wanted to say hello... you're busy, I'm busy, perhaps we can talk when the time is right.

Hope you are having a great night.

Well, while I thought calling me a "special lady" was a bit over the top, his message got me curious - what did he identify with and relate to in my profile? He didn't specify, but he worded it in a way that enticed me to want to know. So I wrote back and asked him, and we've been conversing a bit. He seems really nice!

It doesn't have to be complicated or lengthy, but it should reference the recipient in some interesting way. In re-reading both of these I see that their confidence comes thru in the ways they talk about having a conversation with me. They didn't ask if I might want to; they both suggested that we would ("who knows where a few messages might lead?" and "we can talk when the time is right"). When I message guys, I always say, "Feel free to visit my profile and write back!" I'm not asking them to do me a favor, I'm inviting them.

Does this all help?
 
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Yeah, you're not going to be engaging by saying things like "you're probably too busy..." or "if that's okay with you..." You sound like you're not confident that you're worth it, so why would they feel that you are?

I'm not saying to be cocky and arrogant either, but right now you're telling them to work for something and saying it's probably not worth it. Not very encouraging.
The humour is good though.

I think you're making progress from the wink, so good for you on that :)
 
All good information. Maybe I'll try again with someone else who has been online more recently.
 
Ok....Sent a new message to a new person...Who also happened to be online. LOL

Here is what I wrote:
Hi,
My name is T***. I've noticed your profile, and I like what I've read so far. I would like to opportunity to speak to you and see how we get along. You say you're really good at raising kids and dogs. How old are your kids? I have two which are 14 and 19. What kind of dog(s) do you have? I have 4. 2 wolf hybrids, a german shephard/pit/chow mix, and an Australian Dingo. I can't really take them all for a walk at once, but would like going out sometime with you for some coffee at Starbucks or somewhere else. Hope to hear from you soon. -T***
 
Looks good to me! Positive, talks about her profiles, talks about things you have in common. If she doesn't reply, I don't think it will be because of any fault with your message.
 
YAY! Hopefully, she replies! I really liked her profile, and she sounds really nice. Not bad on the eyes either. ;) LOL I sounded like such a douche there. LOL
 
Today, I awoke to this message on OKC, from someone new: "Hello You are a Very Attractive Lady, I would love to meet you."

His profile's entire self-summary: "W/M 6'1 good looking, nice body, great personality. well endowed, long lasting and very oral... But don't let that scare you, lol, as I am just a regular guy looking for a you."

He lists the "things he's really good at" as: "French Kissing and all the Petting that goes with it on the first date. too old to waste time to see if we are compatible. Thanks"

Yeah, well I don't have time to waste on him. Oy!
 
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