Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

OK then you're older than I am in computer years because I never forgot about CP/M. I had a Xerox 820-II which was nothing more than an 8086 in a plastic shell with the word "Xerox" on it.

For the history and trivia junkies:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/CP/M

I still remember overclocking my 8086.. ok not overclocking per se. But installing my first mathco processor haha..

I'm about the same chronological age as the rest of you and this is all gobbledygook to me :D

My mom was a punch card programmer for a university in ontario... I had my fingers tangled in copper at a young age haha (my first computer was actually an apple IIc
 
Sorry Mags....I am one of those guys. I figure that if I send a wink, it will prompt the woman to look at my profile...if she likes what she see's, she can wink back, and THEN I'll start a dialogue.

Make sense?

In theory, but no. If a guy doesnt take the trouble to write a message indicating he's read my profile by mentioning a couple things I've written, and how he either shares some interests, or is at least intrigued by them, I'm not likely to write back. A wink just seems lazy and lame.

If I just wanted a quick lay, a wink with a couple words about how sexy my pix are would be acceptable. But since I am seeking a guy who has the potential to be interested in me as a whole person, not just my vagina, I need more to go on.
 
Most women view guys who are looking for women on a dating site...as low lifes who are simply looking to get laid.
Totally not true. Pretty much everyone I know has used an online dating site at least once in their lives. And you can't generalize about women's attitudes anyway.

But no one's saying that women don't get a lot of responses. But it is just as hard for a woman to find someone of quality and worthwhile of her time, as it is for a man. I joined OKC in November '10, and it took about a month before I had any bites. I have a very full inbox, but if I showed you the list of people I've blocked or hidden, you might be amazed - it's fucking huge. I have only actually met four men from OKC in all those months, though I've had conversations with more than that. Very few of them seem to be worth my time, unfortunately.

And I agree with Mags - send only a wink, you doom yourself to the hidden users pile or being blocked. I only respond to men who write something that references my profile n some way and shows me that they took the time to read it, not just look at my pics to see if I'm fuckable according to their physical standards.
 
(my first computer was actually an apple IIc
Mine was the Apple IIe. The first one I actually used at school was a Comodore 64.

In theory, but no. If a guy doesnt take the trouble to write a message indicating he's read my profile by mentioning a couple things I've written, and how he either shares some interests, or is at least intrigued by them, I'm not likely to write back. A wink just seems lazy and lame.

If I just wanted a quick lay, a wink with a couple words about how sexy my pix are would be acceptable. But since I am seeking a guy who has the potential to be interested in me as a whole person, not just my vagina, I need more to go on.
I understand...So you are wanting a guy who has more balls and isn't afraid of rejection? (makes sense to me)

Totally not true. Pretty much everyone I know has used an online dating site at least once in their lives. And you can't generalize about women's attitudes anyway.
1st: MOST women I know, have never used a dating website. Notice I said "most". I know quite a few women.

2nd: Actually, I CAN generalize. If experience has shown me that MOST women think or act a certain way, then it stands to reason that while not ALL act or think that way, certainly most of the ones I socialize with do.


But no one's saying that women don't get a lot of responses. But it is just as hard for a woman to find someone of quality and worthwhile of her time, as it is for a man. I joined OKC in November '10, and it took about a month before I had any bites. I have a very full inbox, but if I showed you the list of people I've blocked or hidden, you might be amazed - it's fucking huge. I have only actually met four men from OKC in all those months, though I've had conversations with more than that. Very few of them seem to be worth my time, unfortunately.
Law of averages says that if you are trying to sell something, a minimum of 1 person for every 100, will buy your product. No matter how poor of a salesperson you are. So, since the product is ME, I will need at least 100 responses before I get one person who is actually interested.

Lets say it's the same for a woman.

Now, you say that you have had your profile active since November.....but you haven't responded to many people. In fact, you have responded to four. Out of how many e-mails? 200? 400? The law of averages works against men in this instance. I had a profile on OKC....I left it up for a cpl months. I got 3 women who actually sent me anything. These were all responses to me sending them something first. I sent out a max of about 20 e-mails. Of the e-mails I responded to, I got one bite worth anything. It was good for about 2 weeks, then turned sour.

Am I bitter? I may sound like it, but I'm really not. It sucks that SOME women are more shallow than SOME men in some aspects, but it also sucks that SOME men are such pigs and think that women are just sex objects. But the cold reality is that a man is like a fish in a school of other fish. He has to try harder than the others or have some attribute which none of the others has, in order to be noticed by a suitable female. While a woman is more like a precious oyster. Few and far between, and hard to find...but once one is found, getting through to them is almost harder than finding them.




And I agree with Mags - send only a wink, you doom yourself to the hidden users pile or being blocked. I only respond to men who write something that references my profile n some way and shows me that they took the time to read it, not just look at my pics to see if I'm fuckable according to their physical standards.
I can respect this, ladies. ;) Now that I know, I may re-adjust my searching and meeting tactics. Thank you for this insight. ;)
 
I don't have a profile in any dating site, but if I did, and got lots of messages (as women seem to), I definitely would need more than a wink for it to stand out of the crowd. A wink is like showing up to a party where the woman is going and all the other guests are male, and hoping she's the one who will notice you and come to talk to you. While she's busy pushing away the jerks and trying to get to know the non-jerks who talked to her.

Really, I think people tend to appreciate when they're being given attention to. So yes, you need to read the profile, and write a message that doesn't look like it's the same you send to every woman you meet. Mentioning bits of her profile that you found interesting, for instance, and talking about how they might relate to you (you do want her to know more about you as well).
And making sure not to have details that go against the profile. So if someone says she's not looking for casual sex, don't offer casual sex. If she says she's looking for someone over under 30 and you're 45, don't send a message, even if you say "I know I'm older but let's give it a try!"
You should see such requests as non-negotiable if they were important enough to be put there. It would be like contacting a woman who says she's gay on her profile and asking her if she wants to experiment with you.

I would also ask some questions, as that gives her something to reply. If she thinks you're nice but doesn't know what to reply and decides to reply later, she might very well forget.

I don't know if these sites have subject lines in the messages, but if they do, try to come up with something that's relevant to her and friendly. Possibly humorous. Avoid just having "hi" as your subject line, I mean if she goes to her mailbox and all her messages are variations on "hello/hi/hey" yours is just going to be one of the lot. If it's, I don't know "I like x too" (where x is something she says she likes on her profile... and something you do like, incidentally) it might have a bigger chance of even being read.

Really, I think sometimes it's just the guys not bothering with the selection process. It seems to me so many guys write to just anyone. If they read the profiles carefully and only replied when there actually is a match, they'd get way more replies. As it is, the screening process has to be done by the women when they decide not to reply. And that include such screening as "hey, I don't match what he's looking for" that the guy should be the one to screen for.
 
Very good ideas Tonberry. However, most of the time when I send out an e-mail to someone new, I usually TRY to make sure I put something relevant in the subject line....I still get ignored. Meah....I like all these ideas though ladies.....ALL of them are good.

Now, for your lesson....You probably already know this, but...if you include a nice clean pic in your profile, and also include a isolated phrase that says something like "If you are simply looking for a quick hook-up, move on please", it may help to weed out the idiots a bit.


For me, I know that on OKC, I look at the questions that the woman has answered. There are two questions on OKC that are super relevant to my situation. 1) Would you ever consider dating someone who is married or in an open relationship? and 2) Would you ever consider a relationship with more than one person. i.e. polyamory

Now, if the answer to BOTH of these questions, is "no"...Then I move on and don't bother. If the answer to ONE is "no, but the other is "yes", then I look a little closer and do more investigation. In my area, there are about 25 women who are open to polyamory, on OKC, that I have found. (and I've searched a LOT of profiles) And none of them are a really good "match" for me. i.e. we get into different things, or I'm not attracted to them in any way shape or form. Just sayin.
 
And the good thing about OKC is that we can see whenever someone looks at our profiles (unless they have a paid acct and turn that off). So, winks are really not needed, because I look at my list of "visitors" for anyone promising. If I notice that someone has peeped my profile numerous times over a few weeks (or even months), and I've read his profile and get a good vibe, I will contact him and say something to the effect of, "You've checked me out a few times, let's have a conversation." And then I do pretty much what Tonberry suggests, in reference to his profile.
 
I took a week break from OKC. Sat and Sun I had some free time while my gf was at her bf's, so I went back on. 3 guys contacted me.

First one: no profile essays, but several cute pix, and he'd filled out his stats. 35, phd in engineering. He PMed me:

"Hi... how are you? Any exciting plans for tonight? "

Just a nice normal opening gambit. He got a response from me and we PMed back and forth a few times. He's originally from Quebec, seems nice and normal and can type using capital letters and punctuation properly. So, potential. Said he'd had a busy day, but wanted something exciting to do that night, and if we knew each other better, he'd ask me out for a movie or drinks. I still don't quite know why he contacted me, or what he is looking for relationship-wise.

Bachelor Number 2: yesterday, he IMed me, telling me he's in a 10 year sexless marriage and would like something "discreet" with me. Loved the pic of me in my black velvet dress, "So seductive." I replied, "I do not wish to be your cumdumpster, sir." He fell over himself apologizing and I chatted with him just to see how he could think I'd wanna fuck a married mono guy, who would cheat on the wife whom he claimed to love and respect. Bleh. Clueless. He also asked if my gf could join him and me in 3way sex. *puke*

This morning, Bachelor Number 3-- with no pix, no essays, no stats, and he lives 118 miles away.

"Hi there how are you. I came across your profile and I thought that at least it warranted a sweet hello. You seem very interesting and I would love to chat up with you. A bit about self I'm 25 athletic build hazel eyes dark hair 5,8". Sorry about the no pic thing but I have too. If you are Interested I am on facebook."

Misuse of capitalization, misuse of punctuation, misspellings, generic PM indicating it's something he sends to everyone. Will get no response.
 
Interesting Mags...You got more responses in 1 week than I did in 1 month! :rolleyes: I would love for a woman to send me a message....ANY message....out of the blue. Even if it's to tell me I'm totally Fugly and ask why the hell I was on OKC.


Why must men always be the aggressor, while women are ALWAYS the non-aggressor?
 
Interesting Mags...You got more responses in 1 week than I did in 1 month! :rolleyes: I would love for a woman to send me a message....ANY message....out of the blue. Even if it's to tell me I'm totally Fugly and ask why the hell I was on OKC.


Why must men always be the aggressor, while women are ALWAYS the non-aggressor?

You and your "always." I used to message guys all the time. I msged D, who I've now been with for 2+ years (altho *whine* now he's too busy to see me). I also have messaged about 3 dozen other men, at least. A few of them I ended up seeing for 1-7 months.

But, I am an assertive, feminist, not traditionally feminine woman. The last couple days, I went to OKC, looked at a few profiles, but didn't feel inspired to contact anyone first.

Most men I've dated seem to love the thrill of the hunt as much as, or more than, the actual dates. More than they are really interested in me as a person, they just seem to want a conquest, but bail when things actually progress. "There's no there there."
 
Yes, me and my "always". I have yet to be messaged by a woman....for anything.....where she is the initiator. Oh well. I am not usually attracted to women who are not "feminine", so I guess I have to simply be more assertive. ;)
 
And send more than a wink.

Maybe your profile needs some work too. Perhaps it's boring?
 
Yes, me and my "always". I have yet to be messaged by a woman....for anything.....where she is the initiator. Oh well. I am not usually attracted to women who are not "feminine", so I guess I have to simply be more assertive. ;)

Well there is probably one of your issues right there. The law of averages may be so, but you are a alternative thinking guy, in a alternative-type relationship. You need to *surprise* ! ....look at alternatives, in your 'usual' thought processes.
You will only live up to your own low expectations if you run with the law of averages. Equating f'eminine' with 'initiation' is a good way to eliminate people.

You have put 100% of people into one category. According to you, you have a 100% failure rate.

I`m not exactly hard on the eyes, (by 'feminine' standards) and I usually prefer to be the approacher in getting to know people. Rare ? Maybe.
Maybe not as rare as people who stick to averages may think ? I know at least 2 other women who are just like this.

*************

Reading this thread is very interesting. I really wonder if the cynical, tired-of-peoples-shit, attitudes draws exactly the wrong people ?

As long as someone tries to be polite to me in a message, I`ll respond. Even if it wasn`t what I was looking for, or someone obviously didnt read my profile.
Due to how some people respond from that, I have a bit more faith in humanity on dating sites :p

Here is a recent example :

Hi, I'm going to be in town next week. Are you interested in getting together?

B. Sent from the OkCupid app
Report this
Message from B*****
-----------------------------

May 13, 2011 – 1:50pm
Nope.
Take care, have fun. :)
-----------------------------


May 13, 2011 – 5:57pm
My appologies. I thought for sure your profile said you were into to casual sex. Clearly I was my mistaken. I also didn't notice that you were married. Wow, was I half asleep when I messaged you? Sorry about that. Thanks for replying and being politie about it. Happy fishing. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Cheers,

B.


-------------

So maybe he hoped being polite might make me feel bad,...maybe not. Maybe it was genuine. Either way,..does it matter ? I can choose to hold on to the negatives of any interactions, until they accumulate in my head, or I can choose to hold onto the positives, and run with that.

Here is one that is kinda funny, received today.......
-------------------------------------
No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting
here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided
I want to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown
you are. (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your legs look
like they were crafted by Aphrodites herself). So I invite you to
take a look at my profile and if I have a similar effect on you
message me back.
Report this
18% Enemy79% Friend81% Match Message from nor**********

---------------------------------------------


^^ I`ll probably answer in a cheeky way, and have fun with it. Be clear I`m not interested, but at least he had a response, and I got a laugh. He might be experimenting, hoping to start something based on shock value, but there is no law that says I have to respond after I have said no. Anyhow, thats my thoughts on the subject.
 
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Sourgirl, The second guy my wife would likely have responded to also. LOL The first guy, would have been an ignore for my wife. I am not so cras as to send a "hook up" message. I am, afterall, looking for more than just a casual hook up.


Now, I want you to do a search on what you are looking for, in your area. Go with a 50 mile radius of where you live. Post how many results you get.

I will do the same, and post MY results once you have. Then, we'll compare the results a bit....

I invite anyone else keeping up with this debate, to do the same thing. I DO have a point. ;)
 
And send more than a wink.

Maybe your profile needs some work too. Perhaps it's boring?
Magdlyn, I'll send you a link to my OKC profile in a while. I've had it turned off/on pause for the last month or so. The reason? I got frustrated with it, and with "poly". I was simply.....frustrated. And didn't want to date anyone, or see anyone in any way shape or form. Work was more than enough. LOL
 
Why must men always be the aggressor, while women are ALWAYS the non-aggressor?
Sometimes, TL, I think in your head, you live in the 1950s, with the things you say about women and men, really! Always non-aggressive? Ask the guy I met on the subway last night how long it took for me to strike up a conversation with him, give him my card, and ask him to call me. I mean, I grew up reading Cosmo, I could never sit back and "always" be non-aggressive!

If you're not getting contacted, I'd say there's some issue with your profile, or the fact that you're married, poly, etc., that just limits interest. If you start a journal there, it might generate some interest. I always get lots of views when I post to my journal.

I would say that 95% of the guys I have email exchanges with on OKC were ones that I contacted first. I send tons of emails to guys. I have had men write back and say they aren't interested, but most don't write back. I know my beauty can be intimidating to mere mortals, but...

I have read in the OKC journals several times that most men on there wait for women to contact them first, for some reason. I really wish more of the guys I am attracted to would reach out to me initially. Usually, the ones that do are duds. It's only a very small percentage of men who contact me first that are someone I'd be interested in.


That being said, something good has recently developed and has me very excited, so we'll see. And this one is actually someone who contacted me first, BUT he admits that it was an "accident" of sorts. He was perusing OKC on his iphone, and did not see my location, just my pic. So he clicked on it, started reading, and had to respond. Normally, he said, he wouldn't have considered me because I live in a different city, a few hours away from him and he wasn't looking for an LDR. But now, we're caught up in some giddily romantic pen-palling. [wheee!]

Let me state, he didn't send a lame wink, or some ridiculous one-liner. He first told me my profile was a "good read," and thoughtfully commented about some of it: "I love what you have to say about . . . ", which showed me not only that he actually read it but that he could relate to it. He concluded with ". . . who knows where a few notes can lead? At the very least, some good correspondence. From little acorns, etc." which I thought was charming. He had about five recent pictures of himself so I have a good idea about what he actually looks like, and a very well-written thoughtful profile. And now we're both giddy and gaga over our new correspondence with each other!

So maybe your approach might need some work, TL.
 
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Entirely possible cindie. Entirely possible.

Every time I think about a woman other than my wife, and actually contacting them, I hear that little phrase in my head that says "nice guys finish last".....but I'm always trying to be nice and not offend. LOL Maybe I should throw caution to the wind....when I find one that...piques my interest. ;)
 
Now, I want you to do a search on what you are looking for, in your area. Go with a 50 mile radius of where you live. Post how many results you get.

I will do the same, and post MY results once you have. Then, we'll compare the results a bit....

I invite anyone else keeping up with this debate, to do the same thing. I DO have a point. ;)

Okay,..but I think you missed my point, or I didn`t explain myself very well. :p

I get what you are saying. I get your point. I have experience with this. I have a husband who has looked too. When he initially pouted about the lack of response, or lack of initiation, I felt bad for him.

At some point though, you have to get real. Be inventive. You can choose to think one way 100%, and you will keep up a 100% failure rate. Or, you can choose to do things differently.

My husband chose to do things differently. He rotated pictures a lot. He changed the wording in profiles a lot. This type of thing, helped him make contact with quite a few different women.

He went to poly gatherings, and we DID all kind of laugh, because he is a 'car' guy, meat-loving, Tim-Hortons drinking, man`s man,..type. Stuck out like a sore thumb.

He ended up in a series of conversations about why he wasn`t a vegan, and lightly chastised for it. :p haha.

Still, he ventured.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right ? He did end up going to various gatherings with mutual friends who weren`t 'hippie',..and they all ended up being open-minded, and having lots of laughs about everyone`s differences.

He learned a lot from putting himself in various experiences.
 
This is not something I do when dating online (which I don't do), but it is how I run my life:

I approach any situation, especially something that is new to me, with the attitude that I will probably be bored at best, if not straight-up disappointed. Then, if anything at all goes right, or is interesting, I can say to myself, "at least it wasn't a TOTAL waste of time".

I realize that this attitude tends to annoy "optimists". I love to annoy optimists. It's sort-of a hobby of mine. Right now I am drafting an essay about "Bettering the Quality of One's Life Through Pessimism", and the paragraph above is the basis for one of the key points in that essay.
 
My husband chose to do things differently. He rotated pictures a lot. He changed the wording in profiles a lot. This type of thing, helped him make contact with quite a few different women.

Yes! Because, at least on OKC, every time you change a picture or some words in your profile, you show up in the activity feed on the main page and that gets people curious about you. Every time I add or switch a picture, I get a bunch of new visitors.
 
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