The dynamic is M/s, which makes this situation all the more difficult.
Ok, I know it was me who said you could leave Ms dynamics out of this (and I still believe that's not the point - Galagirl has the point), but since you DO struggle with it, I'll comment
The price of admission is I'm an all or nothing person.
I don't really understand, what do you mean by that? "Complete" submission, if there is such a thing? Who'se standard is this "all or nothing" - is that what you want? Or is this his rule, his price of admission?
I have discussed my boundaries with him and there hasn't been an issue. He knows he's free to choose all his relationships. The way I see it, what is the point of being in our relationship and half assing it. If I can't fully submit, why submit at all.
So here it seems, it's your standard. You want to be in a relationship where you can fully submit.
What does full submission include? Does that include deciding about your finances? Other partners? Health? Your freedom to leave the relationship?
I doubt that.
To me, there is nothing like full submission. You
choose the areas where you both are able and willing to play with power exchange.
The depth of submission, to me, is closely tied with the depth of the relationship, and should be really based on trust - trust in all the areas you want to include in the power exchange.
Do you trust him to watch your health and your enjoyment when he ties you up? Great, go. You don't? For heavens sake don't do it.
It's the same in other areas. Do you trust him to manage interaction between you and the other subs to the best of everyone? Ok, you could leave it up to him. You don't? Well, you can't submit there, you will have to evaluate the situation for yourself and say a "no" to him sometimes.
I certainly have areas where I don't trust my Dom. One of them, where he did want control, and I wanted to grant it to a certain degree, is to decide about me being intimate with someone else. Then, when a date came, I found out that I needed more freedom than I previously thought, but more importantly, that
he doesn't have a good grasp on his jealousy and a detached enough view for me to trust him to decide well for me.
(You can read about the conflict here
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=322131&postcount=10 )
So, full stop here. He doesn't get control about my other partners.
If he can get a handle on his jealousy, if he learns about my style and difficulties in dating, if he understands that getting to know someone is a slow process, if he can shows enough respect towards my potentials -- then I might consider asking him before intimacy. Maybe.
What I want to say is, you don't have to be submissive in everything on earth to be submissive.
You don't even have to
trust your partner in everything. You can trust him to support you emotionally but not trust him to handle his own jealousy, and that's ok.
But I think what you might be actually saying with that all-or-nothing statement is, that you do want to trust more. You want to trust your Master enough to submit in the important areas.
You often read that submission is a gift to the dominant (and the other way round) - and it is. But is is a gift that CAN be taken back.
Also, the more all-or-nothing person you are, the deeper you want to submit, the more carefully should you choose your masters.
Something I struggle with is holding him to his word. As the Master, he holds himself to his word and that keeps me safe. It's not my place to put rules or restrictions on him. I do take him at his word. If He says something and does the opposite, it's going to break is down. If I question him, it's going to be hurtful to our relationship.
You name it. Isn't this what happened? He cheated and lied to you, so he didn't hold his word as a Master?
He's supposed to keep you safe, yet he hurt you himself?
You say you cannot question his word. But then... the standard HE holds himself to should be really high. A Dominant, to me, should strive to be the best version of himself.
If you don't trust him after breaking his word? And it breaks down the Ms dynamics? You could choose not to submit. You could choose to break up or date him
without power exchange,
at least outside of sex.
Not everyone will agree, but generally, I think that putting DS dynamics asside when resolving major conflicts is best. But I don't want to submit in a "slave" sense.
If you don't want to break up, I won't tell you that you have to, that you should, that it's the right choice for you. Maybe this man indeed has some qualities. Maybe you need this learning experience a little longer. But I think you could shed any feelings of guilt you have around "not submitting enough". In my experience, submission tastes so much better if it is truly given freely.