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Old 05-26-2012, 12:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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When I love someone, one of the things I do is think of gifts all the time. I can't help it. I see something they would like and want to pick it for them. I start a new handmade project because I think they would like the gift I create.

I feel like the time I spend working on a gift for someone is like time spent with them, when we can't be together otherwise. It makes me feel much closer to them. I don't think it has anything to do with materialism.
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:35 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Anneintherain: can totally relate!

MrS is a phenomenal "picker-outer" of gifts (and other stuff). I will, very occasionally (like once every few YEARS) see something that someone I know would absolutely LOVE and get it for them. (I hate shopping and I hate spending money so these are most likely going to be awesome garage sale/flea market/used book store "finds.") I am not a very good "receiver" of gifts either - unless it is one of those "you know me so well - how did I survive all these years without owning this particular item" gifts.

So how did we handle this gift giving language discrepancy? Early in our marriage we decided that we wouldn't give each other "occasion" (birthday, xmas, etc) gifts. If he saw something that he thought I "had to have" he could get it for me as a random present (like my string of black pearls that I got years ago - he hands me a gift box, I ask "what's this for?", he said "Just for Tuesday"). On my end I put a certain amount of our budget in a savings account for him to spend on his "toys" without having to consult with me first (he actually doesn't like to receive his "toys" as presents - it will inevitably be the wrong model or not have a certain option or whatever, he puts a lot of research into his toys and is disappointed if it is the wrong one.)

This actually extends to our families as well - once all of our siblings had kids (we don't have any), I announced that we would no longer be buying presents for anyone over 18 - money not spent on the kids' gifts would be going to their college accounts. (MrS has an awesome time internet shopping for our nieces and nephews - and they get the COOLEST stuff!)

Jane("Acts of Service")Q

PS. I don't like cards either - so I don't send them. My best friend gets really upset if she doesn't get a card from someone for her birthday - she makes an exception for me...
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-26-2012 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 05-26-2012, 03:42 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 90

:::hanging head in shame::: LOL

I love both giving and receiving gifts. And I absolutely adore cards. I don't know why, I just do. And, I have every card I've ever been given. I imagine that several decades from now when I die there is going to be an AWESOME estate sale. Which is really sad, because I won't be able to go ; p

I love giving Bear gifts. I randomly give him things all the time. Generally it's something useful, like a really cool button-up shirt that I just thought he HAD to have (this has been especially nice lately since he's lost a lot of weight and needs a new wardrobe).

For our recent anniversary I gave him something that really touched his heart. I had always sworn up and down that I would NEVER tattoo someone's name (besides my own, mom, dad, or kid) on my body. Well, I got his name on me in an under-the-clothes location because it's for HIM to see, not everyone else. Because anniversary year 7 is cloth he bought me a purse that I would have never bought for myself because of the price.

Oh, and I'm a total cheap-skate. My favorite stores are all thrift stores, but that doesn't mean a girl can't find nice stuff. You just have to be willing to dig : )
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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Old 05-26-2012, 08:03 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Presents!!?? Did someone say PRESENTS???

Maybe it comes from that insane present-opening high from Christmases as a kid, but I freakin' LOVE prezzies. We grew up poor, and Christmas and birthdays were SO exciting, even though our presents were often wrapped in newspaper, and very inexpensive, or used. I just loved me some presents. I remember my mum wrapping ornaments up for me to open after dinner to hang on the tree - just the act of unwrapping was enough of a bribery to get me to do pretty much any chore you could think of without complaint (I grew up on a farm - there were a lot of chores, so smart moves, mom!)

As an adult I still love presents. It can be a chocolate bar, a beautiful bottle of wine, a single rose, a romantic card that a partner made themselves - even a playlist of songs tucked into my drop box is enough to get me all worked up. Objects that I can use are good - every time I wear a particular perfume it reminds me of the person that gave it to me, every time I eat popcorn out of the bowl that a friend gave me I think of him. I also LOVE experiences as presents - like a spa treatment, or a dinner out - to me those are also gifts. So are orgasms. That's a definite present!

As a result of my firm connection with presents (and acts of service), I love giving them, and pay painstaking attention to other people's secret desires. One of my friends had mentioned that she had always wanted to raise tadpoles - when it was the right season, I hiked out to a pond, caught some tadpoles, bought fish food and a used tank for her, and brought them to her house. To this day she says it is the coolest present that she ever got. I'll catch little pieces of conversations and hold onto them; saying "I never had a sock monkey when I was a kid... they are SO COOL!" will result in a sock monkey coming your way on your birthday. Sync is super into fancy Scotch, and so I bought her this gorgeous Godinger crystal decanter with a silver tray, tongs, and six matching crystal glasses. She loves the shit out of that thing, and I have filled it with gorgeous Scotch a number of times for her & E. It's pretty stunning and was a very, very fun gift to watch her unwrap. I get as much joy out of watching someone else open a present from me as I do opening a present from them.

Sync's language of love is time, and E's is affection. They don't mind the gift giver in me though, but I get hauled back from the edge of ridiculous gifts for them sometimes by one/both of them. It's easy to get carried away when you're in love.... they're happier if I cuddle with them on the couch and tell them that I love them than if I were to buy them a fancy present, any day of the week and I do my best to remember that!

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-26-2012 at 08:06 PM.
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:44 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Posts: 624

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Maybe it comes from that insane present-opening high from Christmases as a kid, but I freakin' LOVE prezzies. We grew up poor, and Christmas and birthdays were SO exciting, even though our presents were often wrapped in newspaper, and very inexpensive, or used. I just loved me some presents. I remember my mum wrapping ornaments up for me to open after dinner to hang on the tree - just the act of unwrapping was enough of a bribery to get me to do pretty much any chore you could think of without complaint (I grew up on a farm - there were a lot of chores, so smart moves, mom!)
I think this is why I don't care much about receiving presents. I remember how hard it was for my parents every year around birthdays and Christmas to make them seem "special enough" by getting us presents. I associate gifts with trying to make money stretch too far. When I know a person is well off or saved specifically for a gift, I love it! I think it's fantastic. But if it was a random whim that takes money away from where it was supposed to go - I feel a bit guilty even if I like the item.

My mom was also really sick when I as a kid (heart issues and all that comes with them) so that's probably why I'm "quality time" too. I always LOVED it when she was feeling well enough to go for a walk with us or take us to the park or, hell, even just to go out and get the eggs with us!

I never thought about the REASONS I rated particular love languages... Hmm..
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Old 05-27-2012, 03:45 PM
genebean genebean is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 37

oh m'gosh! I'm not alone! this made me smile so much. I am not really sure of the reasons behind the importance of gifts for me. It's just such a rush to see something and just know that it was meant for someone you love and to receive a gift that you know took some effort and thought. For my sister a few years ago I bought her the most ridiculous silver penguin statue because I knew it'd make her smile (her love langauge is gifts aswell) so now we have this tradition of getting eachother super silly statues and figurines when the mood strikes us, even though I don't much like the statues themselves I absolutely love the excitement of wondering how she topped my last gift. It has gave us a special relationship for sure. My boyfriend's (polypenguin) love langauge is touch and I try my damndest to make sure I give him plenty of hugs and kisses aswell as showing love in my own way.
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:51 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
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Location: PNW
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Originally Posted by genebean View Post
The love language that I most associate with is that of gifts and I feel this love language gets a bad rap. My feelings on this have nothing to do with materialism or possessions but of the thought that goes into the gift. I get just as (if not more) excited about giving a gift as receiving. Does anyone here associate themselves with this and what are your thoughts?
I am totally in alignment with this. My beloveds are both brilliant in the language of hauling interesting things home to the nest. Sometimes they cost very little, or nothing at all, but show that they were thinking of me, of us, of our mutual enjoyment, or of fun that those gifts will make possible. Sometimes the best gifts are something like a snip of a plant that is beautiful, but we don't recognize, and can spend a delicious hour looking up and learning about. Or a rock with such an interesting shape, we can spend hours making up stories about it.

Sometimes the gift is very practical but just right. For instance there is a certain kind of fabric band-aid that I love but is hard to find, being a gardener and tool user who always is dinging up her hands. When my husband brought home a box of 200 of these and presented them with a shy smile and murmuring, "Married people gift!", my heart melted.

I don't mind if they are more lavish--I'm fond of high-powered rifles, for instance (some of which can be gotten quite cheaply, particularly the historic ones). But really for me it's more like the information/experience hunting-and-gathering thing that gets me where I live. The three of us are very much oriented around learning and growing, so anything that supports that makes each and all of us happy.
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Old 06-08-2012, 05:35 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by PinkDragon View Post
I love both giving and receiving gifts. And I absolutely adore cards. I don't know why, I just do. And, I have every card I've ever been given.
When my mom passed, it took us several years to sift through all her stuff (in part due to emotions, more in part due to the distance, and a little because she was a bit of a pack rat. Though she preferred to call herself 'a well-stocked Cancer').
I discovered she had every card I had ever given her. Ever. Like, since I was a child. She died when I was 42. All the mailed ones still in their envelopes. It was kind of a hoot to go through them.

As a child, my parents had one friend who always gave me a fabulous gift. It was always something unique and that made me feel special, like he had picked it just for me. But it was a rare thing, and not the usual way of gifts among my family, so that may be why that wasn't high for me. Just wanted to note to you gift-givers that even if it's not someone's language, you could be creating lifetime memorable impressions.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 06-17-2012, 05:27 AM
Dreamy Dreamy is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: US
Posts: 17

I think it's my least favorite language to receive, but it's a significant way I give/express love. I'm glad to read this thread and understand more about it.
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Old 03-29-2013, 09:22 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

My DH is a gifter, but I am a Time-oriented person. He is a genius at finding things, and all our close friends know that if you really want something, just mention it around him and it will somehow be found or "show up" within a couple of weeks. He is constantly bringing little things home from garage sales, Salvation Army, or the like. He has found me cauldrons at the Salvation Army, which was one of the coolest ever! I finally did have to tell him that he didn't need to bring things home just so I could see them... LOL. But he has found me some amazing gifts that no one else probably would have given me. In our initial courtship, we worked at the same place, and his schedule was earlier than mine. I would come to work and find little things on my desk. Pack of gum, a book, stuff like that. Very romantic, no one had ever done little things like that for me.

I am time oriented, if you are important to me I will change my schedule, block out times on the calendar, and I feel most loved when I know people have done that for me. The gifts are nice, but not at all important. The fact that you have "Made room in your life for me" is most important.

We had a long time friend with whom we tried a few years back to see if we could form a relationship with her. One of the things I noticed about her was that she was not really into the gifting or the time. She was event oriented. So, in order to get her out with us, we needed to invite her to a specific event, dinner party, concert, etc. I took it personally for a while, because I couldnt just say to her, "lets get together Saturday! What do you want to do?". I felt slighted because it wasnt enough to just hang out with us, I needed to have a plan for her to consider it. We realized that wouldnt work for us in terms of a relationship, but are still friends, though we only see her about once a year.

Thanks for posting, it is good to talk about and remind myself of what I resonate with in terms of love. <3

OK, I am Editing here because I just took the time to go and take the actual quiz, and I came up as primarily Acts of Service, and secondarily as Words of Affirmation. Interesting, I always thought I was a Time person. But after reading the definitions, I think the quiz is pretty accurate. Which makes a lot of sense when it comes to my boyfriend, he is a giver of Acts of Service AND Words of Affirmation, over and over. Its one of the things I love about him.


Last edited by willowstar; 03-29-2013 at 10:54 PM.
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