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  #11  
Old 05-22-2017, 06:54 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Vinsanity, I didn't quite get where you got all this personal information about couple's privilege and unrealistic rules and so on about the nature of the relationship between OP's partner and metamor. Is there another thread with a backgrounder that I missed?

Only rule I spotted was telling the metamor when he was with OP. That sounds fairly normal for a lot of people who don't get called crazy here. OP describes the metamor as a long distance relationship. I don't undersand where the couples privilege thing came from either. Simply came across as her insisting that he follow their agreement or she was out - which sounds fairly normal also if agreements are broken between partners. Didn't realize metamor was the primary. Not mentioned in this thread.
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  #12  
Old 05-22-2017, 07:49 PM
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I think the meta sounds controlling, too. Maybe because I was on the receiving end of the controlling at the beginning of my poly experience? I do think the hinge and BWLee screwed up by lying to the meta...but I also thought it was weird that the meta had to be consulted before asking BWLee to the event? (Obviously we're missing the back story there.) And, going through someone's text messages, emails, etc, is not cool in my book. If you can't trust the person enough to not snoop, then maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship with them, jmho. The hinge needs to man up, be honest with meta, and stop jerking BWLee around. Sending her home in the middle of the night just to appease meta was a jerk move.

ETA: The more I think about it, the more I think hinge is the problem. Meta can only control what hinge allows her to control.
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  #13  
Old 05-22-2017, 08:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anamikanon View Post
Vinsanity, I didn't quite get where you got all this personal information about couple's privilege and unrealistic rules and so on about the nature of the relationship between OP's partner and metamor. Is there another thread with a backgrounder that I missed?

Only rule I spotted was telling the metamor when he was with OP. That sounds fairly normal for a lot of people who don't get called crazy here. OP describes the metamor as a long distance relationship. I don't undersand where the couples privilege thing came from either. Simply came across as her insisting that he follow their agreement or she was out - which sounds fairly normal also if agreements are broken between partners. Didn't realize metamor was the primary. Not mentioned in this thread.
I read the OP. Clearly meta and partner are an established couple. The fact that it is LDR is irrelevant there. The OP says there isn't a primary/secondary structure, but the meta sure isn't acting that way.

I think the requirement to discuss whether or not the partner is allowed to ask OP to an event amounts to way more than just letting the meta know if they are together. Same with the ultimatum. Why is it the meta's business to know every little single thing OP and partner do together? You really don't see any issue there?

For what it's worth, I don't see any indication that he is abusive. I do think he is handling the problems with the meta poorly. I'm not entirely convinced meta is totally on board with poly. I think the LDR adds to her insecurity and jealousy. The reason I call it couple's privilege is because she is expecting the partner to conform to her rules without regard for OP...and he let her.
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  #14  
Old 05-22-2017, 08:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BWLee View Post
- What are people's feels on snooping in poly? Because I'm a firm believer that snooping is not okay under any circumstances other than if someone goes missing or something like that. I'm still fairly new to poly and am concerned that maybe my expectations are off.
Snooping is a violation. Lying, especially conspiracy, is also a violation. So, probably at least two people's expectations have been disappointed here. Take a hard look at your firm beliefs, and figure out when and why you make exceptions to these values -- you seem to excuse your own lies, but not her snooping, when clearly (as others have pointed out) her snooping confirmed her reasonable suspicions. You kinda gotta hold everyone to the same standard.

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- We do not have a primary/secondary poly structure. What are people's experiences with ultimatums like the one I mentioned? On one hand, I'm deeply upset with him to have made that choice that ended up with me walking home alone in the middle of the night, but on the other hand I don't know what I would do if someone gave me that ultimatum. And I'm upset with her for having put him and then me in that situation. How am I supposed to feel about this?
You feel how you feel. No "supposed to" about it. You are supposed to be honest (especially with yourself!) about your feelings, and sort out the kinds of hurt and the needs that were violated, so you can ask for what you want and get it or leave the relationship.

Out of curiosity, Did you know about the rule as you were preparing to spend the night there, before their phone call? If so ... Has the rule been in place for the year-plus you've been in this relationship? Did *you* consider it reasonable for him to ignore a standing rule because they "hadn't spoken in a few days"? I mean, it wasn't like they were suddenly not in the relationship that had the rule. How would you feel if your rules went out the window when you and your partner were having a bit of a rough patch? Are you completely sure your upset isn't partly guilt at conspiring with him to break a rule he has with her?

Maybe you didn't know about the rule. Then shame on him for breaking it and making you suffer. Shame to the point of breaking up, if I were the person walking home that night. But you do you.

FWIW, I'm no fan of vetoes and rules that directly affect a metamour in that way. His sending you home was a shit move, her commanding him to send you home was a shit move, and her letting you stay would've been him putting her in a situation where she "had to say 'yes'." I'm having a little trouble understanding how the three of you stay together with all this lying and controlling going on, but I'm probably extrapolating too much. Back to how you feel.

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Originally Posted by BWLee View Post
- Despite feeling violated by her snooping, and then her wanting an apology from me for the part I played in the lying, and then giving him an ultimatum, I am still trying to be understanding to what she might be going through. Most of me thinks her reading those text messages only hurt her more. Would you have been as understanding or how do you react when a boundary is crossed?
No one crossed a boundary. She breached a limit. Your boundary is whether or not you stay in a relationship (or meta relationship) with someone who didn't respect that limit. Empathy is a great approach, but don't just use it to decide if you will forgive the snooping. Try to understand how your meta feels about everything else -- the lying, the conspiracy, the rule breaking. Would you be willing to quit doing the stuff that hurts her, regardless of the snooping?

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Originally Posted by BWLee View Post
- I enjoy seeing my partner happy and love knowing he's having a good time. Even if that means I'm not involved. Is it too much to ask that my metamour be happy for us when it comes to milestones and such that come up in our relationship?
Yeah. Her feelings are her feelings. What do you want from her in recognition of "milestones and such"? A card and flowers? Why do you think your relationship milestones should have any meaning in her life?
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  #15  
Old 05-22-2017, 09:01 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Totally resonate with this post. Particularly :

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowPoly View Post
Out of curiosity, Did you know about the rule as you were preparing to spend the night there, before their phone call? If so ...
and

Quote:
Your boundary is whether or not you stay in a relationship (or meta relationship) with someone who didn't respect that limit. Empathy is a great approach, but don't just use it to decide if you will forgive the snooping. Try to understand how your meta feels about everything else -- the lying, the conspiracy, the rule breaking. Would you be willing to quit doing the stuff that hurts her, regardless of the snooping?
I think a lot of reflection is called for.
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  #16  
Old 05-22-2017, 09:03 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I read the OP. Clearly meta and partner are an established couple. The fact that it is LDR is irrelevant there. The OP says there isn't a primary/secondary structure, but the meta sure isn't acting that way.

I think the requirement to discuss whether or not the partner is allowed to ask OP to an event amounts to way more than just letting the meta know if they are together. Same with the ultimatum. Why is it the meta's business to know every little single thing OP and partner do together? You really don't see any issue there?

For what it's worth, I don't see any indication that he is abusive. I do think he is handling the problems with the meta poorly. I'm not entirely convinced meta is totally on board with poly. I think the LDR adds to her insecurity and jealousy. The reason I call it couple's privilege is because she is expecting the partner to conform to her rules without regard for OP...and he let her.
I think you are projecting your life experiences onto this story. There is no actual indication for a lot of your assumptions here.
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  #17  
Old 05-22-2017, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anamikanon View Post
I think you are projecting your life experiences onto this story. There is no actual indication for a lot of your assumptions here.
That the meta and partner are an established couple is stated in the OP. Meta having the "tell me ahead or send her home" veto does suggest that meta claims some of what's often considered primary relationship privilege, despite LDR.

I don't see Vinsanity0 making any more specific assumptions than anyone else. None of his guesses sound too far off to me.
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  #18  
Old 05-22-2017, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anamikanon View Post
I think you are projecting your life experiences onto this story. There is no actual indication for a lot of your assumptions here.
I prefer to think that my life experiences allow me to recognize certain behaviors.
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