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Old 06-16-2016, 01:57 PM
Giselle21 Giselle21 is offline
Join Date: May 2016
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Default Dating in the beginning

So my husband and I decided to be poly a while back.
Yesterday he decided he needed to tell me I cannot date first because it'll hurt his male ego mainly jealously and anger feelings (of course the day I wa gonna try and plan a date) and that I need to go through the emotions of him dating first.
Originally we had said we had to make sure the other was either on a date or had something to do but now it's an absolute "No" on me dating until
He does. Am I wrong in being mad and upset? I feel like he is trying to control his feelings by controlling my dating life.

How did married couples do when they first started dating others?
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Old 06-16-2016, 02:14 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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I would be upset, too. Honestly? In your position, I would tell him that you do not agree to this arrangement, that you want to continue with the arrangements you agreed upon previously. If he prefers to renegotiate agreements, you can do so; however, he does not have the right to unilaterally change agreements without your input or consent.
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Old 06-16-2016, 02:23 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Giselle21 View Post
I feel like he is trying to control his feelings by controlling my dating life.
Yes, this is exactly what's going on. The thing is trying to manage one's feelings by controlling others 1) does not work, and 2) is destructive to both the person being controlling and the person they want to control.

And the 'tit for tat' thing also never goes well because nothing in life is ever totally equal.

Just because he is your husband does not give him the right to control you in any area of your life, and in this too. Do not agree to this no matter how much pain he is in. Is he controlling in other areas of your life together?

He needs to learn to manage his own feelings. These feelings are not innate to being a 'male' or having a 'male ego'. They are learned social expectations about being a man and can be, and should be, unlearned.

If he is not ultimately willing to do this and instead wants to be control you, he should not attempt poly and really, should not be an relationship at all.

There are hundreds of threads here of couples working their way to opening up their relationship, some go well, some crash disastrously, most in-between. If you search for 'couples' 'opening up', etc. you will find them.

That said, listening to his concerns, being kind, generous and assuming the best about each other can go a long way to easing transitioning to an open or poly relationship.

Good luck.
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Old 06-16-2016, 02:36 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Hubby originally suggested opening our marriage because *I* expressed that I had sexual things I wanted to try, and he wasn't willing to try them. His solution was to suggest that I instead try them with other men.

Although he did have sex a couple of times with another woman (after I'd hooked up with three other guys, not at the same time), for the most part the openness, and the ensuing polyamory, has been entirely on my side. Hubby considers himself monogamous, and says maintaining our relationship in a healthy way is about all he can handle.

While he's expressed jealousy or insecurity a few times, he has also made it clear, as I do when I feel that way, that those emotions are *his* to handle, he just wants me to know about them. He has also said, in so many words, that no matter how insecure or jealous he felt, he would never try to stop me from having other partners, because that would constitute stopping me from being me, and he refuses to do that.

(Even on one occasion when he perceived another partner as being toxic and detrimental to me, he didn't tell me to stop seeing the guy; he just said "I'm kind of worried about how he's acting, are you sure he's a good person for you?" and then picked me up after I fell flat on my face because I denied there was a problem.)
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Old 06-16-2016, 04:36 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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I really think that a tremendous part of being polyamorous is challenging the assumptions that "mono-normative" culture has ingrained in us, exploring our own individual autonomy and freedom, respecting each other and ourselves, and being ready to work on our issues in healthy ways.

If one is not prepared to do these things, then one is not ready for prime time, so to speak.

Poly is no place to behave in manipulative, possessive, controlling ways. Feeling insecure is natural, and can be worked on. But doing bad behaviors and using one's insecurity to justify them, is no bueno.

I'd suggest you stand up to him and explain that you feel manipulated and that if you're going to proceed to polyamory at this time, it will not be under terms dictated by his fear. If he cannot handle that, then put opening on a shelf and do some marriage counseling. Do not jump into the "marriage broken, add more people" box. It's a mess, and it isn't fair to those you are seeking to date, either.
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Old 06-17-2016, 01:17 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Giselle21,

I'm actually somewhat suspicious of your husband's command to let him be the one to date first. What if you obey the command and he does date, will he just kick the can down the road and say you have to wait longer before you date? or, will he not bother trying to date so that you both end up de facto monogamous? I wonder if he has ulterior motives, even if he's not aware of them.

I don't blame you at all for being mad and upset.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 06-17-2016, 02:36 AM
Giselle21 Giselle21 is offline
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Default Hmmm

I hadn't thought of him having other motives.

I did talk to him about his emotions. There was a lot of you can't do this or that coming from him. I told him he needed to research some more go to meetings or something cause at the moment I feel he didn't realize what he got himself into. I've been working on my own self worth feelings since we decided this and excited when he talks to me about someone he's talking to. Have been extremely nice when any woman he's talking to want to talk to me. He's trying to push his emotions on me like I have been anything but willing here. Not sure how to show more that I want this more than anything right now.
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Old 06-17-2016, 03:07 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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You can't pull the whole train by itself. He has to help. Among other things, that means he needs to be willing to talk and listen. And negotiate. Not just order you around. Such is my opinion anyway.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 06-17-2016, 04:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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A lot of men see it as emasculating, or insulting to their manhood, if their wife has a lover. They think that means they are a loser. And yet, they see themselves as winners if they have a few women. This could all be subconscious on his part, or conscious, but he should be taking responsibility for his fears and insecurities and not laying them all on you.

And you need to FIRMLY tell him you DO NOT AGREE to those terms! It's called an agreement for a reason. It's called a partnership for a reason. Those things require two people coming at things together, side-by-side. You're not in a dictatorship and he is not your boss.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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Old 06-17-2016, 10:40 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I agree with the other posters. I also want to point out that, in general, women have an easier time getting dates than the guys do. It's just how it is. I use the dating site OK Cupid to meet people. I've talked to hundreds of men (dated about 30 over these last 7 years, some first dates only, a handful of longer lasting relationships) and almost everyone of them tells me hardly any women look at their profile, and they never, or almost never, get messages. Men are still the hunters, and women their prey (I mean this in a nice way, not a rapey way). This hasn't changed much in modern times.

But on the other hand, it is just as hard for a woman to find a really decent guy, as it is for a man to find a really decent woman, to form a satisfying long term relationship with.

So, the probable reality could be, your h wouldn't find anyone to really love for a year, or more... depending of course, on what area you live in. It takes progressive and feminist values to make poly work. Most women do not want to date a married man, whereas, because of testosterone, most men are not quite so picky.

His success also depends on his own attractiveness, his looks, his social skills, and the sheer amount of time and energy he has to put into making connections.

If he is trying to reduce your chances of dating, to let him "go first," he doesn't "get" poly. He needs to read up. The book Opening Up is good for education, as is the book More Than Two, and the website of the same name.

Jealousy is a big hurdle to overcome for many poly newbies. Heck, even if he found another woman to date, what if she had others, or was open to others? He might get jealous of her others! He wouldn't have a right to tell her to be mono. He doesn't have a right to tell you to be mono in practice until if and when he finds someone, either.

There are links about managing jealousy here https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since June 2018)

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-17-2016 at 10:48 AM.
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